To be furious that exh wouldn't lend me money? (Long)

[agapimou]

Me and exh separated over 2 years ago but due to financial reasons stayed living together for another 5 months, all very civilized thankfully. I eventually moved into my own flat but we stayed in regular contact went for coffee etc. After about 2 months i met a new man totally out of the blue. I wasn't looking for anyone and was actually enjoying the thought of being single for a few years. I told exh immediately, he freaked out and made several tearful attempts to win me back but I gently told him no each time.

After that he became cold and all communication stopped between us until 6 months later I received an email from him saying he had a problem with his visa (he is from non-EU country) and could I come to help. I said of course, explained everything to new partner who was really cool about it. I got on a train (9 hour journey) and stayed 10 days in his town until visa was sorted. He reimbursed me for train ticket and hotel while I was there. 1 month later he called and asked if I could come back again for 1 small detail with his paperwork, but I said no as I had just found out I was pregnant. Since then we have had occasional contact but all very friendly and nice.

Anyway, dd is 1 year old now and a few days ago I had a huge financial problem. I'm a freelance writer and a customer didn't buy leaving us without any money at all for two s until next payment was expected. We literally had no food, pampers, gas for heating, nothing. We also don't live in UK so no food banks or anything of the sort here. I emailed exh asking if he could lend me 200 euros to pass the 2 weeks (I'm supporting me, Dp, dd and MIL with just my salary). He wrote back that he was on holiday and was sorry about my situation but couldn't do anything.

First of all, being on holiday does not stop him lending me the money, he could transfer it or send through western union. He also has plenty of money so that wasn't the problem.

Aibu to be so mad at him? I understand that he still holds a grudge against me for new relationship but he conveniently put that to one side when he needed my. Financial situation has resolved itself now thank god, but I'm still seething with exh. Am I being U?

Yabu. Whether he has oodles of cash or not, he is under no obligation at all to lend you a penny.

YABU. I can't see why he should pay for his Ex, her new partner, her new MIL and their child. You could appeal to his charity, but charity is voluntary.

Yabu, why on earth would be fund your baby and husband as well as your mil???
He doesn't owe you anything!

Does he pay any kind of child maintenance for your child? If not, then that's unreasonable , because he ought to be supporting his child as she needs to provided for by both parents.

Why are you supporting your partner and his mother though? Are they both covering childcare arrangements for you?

Oh sorry, just re-read properly- the baby is your new partner's child- apologies!

The dd is with the new partner, it reads to me.

YABU.

He is actually nothing to do with you anymore. You don't have children together and you have turned him down and met someone else. But when you need something from him you ask him for money and then get arsey when he won't help you.

That's not very nice.

And by the way, it's a bit of a ropey existence supporting four people on one freelance salary. You can't go on like that. Sort out something more robust so that you're not so vulnerable in future.

Inertia She doesn't have a child with the ExH - not that I've understood it anyway.

The DD is her new partners child.

It was nice of you to help him with his Visa, but he reimbursed your costs, so it feels like you're square with that.

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to lend you money.

Sorry X Post

YAB so U.

I don't even know where to start!

Unless there's more information you haven't shared, I think YABU. I can't see why he should be expected to step in.

Did assisting him with his visa involve saying you were still together?

I think it would have been very kind if he had helped you out, considering you've already proved you still see him a friend and you've put yourself out to help him before.

However, he's under no obligation at all to lend you money as nobody you're supporting is anything to do with him.

Is this a reverse? Yes, yabvu. You don't have children together, you are divorced, and you met someone and got pregnant within 14 months of separating. Your financial problems are yours alone. And he reimbursed you for what you did to help him with his visa.

I think you should focus more on some of those free loaders around you getting jobs and contributing.

Why is your dp not working?

Is your ex paying child support?

YAB massively U.

Visa application was almost 2 years ago and presumably you were still (officially) his wife then? Anyway, he paid your expenses so you're square with that.

If you are so tight that one job is the difference between eating or not, then DP or MIL need to get jobs,"or you need to get a less precarious (even if more boring), salaried job

Oh, just seen its not your exes kid. Yep, unreasonable. Get the others in to work.

I hear you Walter
But I will start... WTF are you supporting your partner and his MIL?
This just makes no sense to me at all.
Have you got yourself in with a cocklodger type!???
If so, then back away fast.
You would be far better off financially without someone else draining your finances along with his mother.
Honestly, this is odd!

YABU. He is your ex and owes you nothing.

It's shitty he couldn't bother to help you after you helped him, but unless you made stipulations to that help, then it was freely given and you suddenly put strings on it.

It's not his fault everyone in your new family is mooching off you. MIL might get a pass depending on her age and if she's helping with childcare. DP needs to get his ass to work, even if it's a temp job. DH got temp jobs in construction when my job wasn't pulling in enough, yours can step up as an adult and do the same to make sure his (not your exh's) family is taken care of.

No he has absolutely no responsibility to you at all anymore. You are his ex he has no need to support you or your new child and new partner and his mil. I'd of said beat it too.

Yes YABU!

I'd also like to know why your DP doesn't work & why your MIL is your financial responsibility? Fair enough you all live together, but does she have no personal income at all? No savings to buy food & gas?

When you describe your ex, you seem to be describing a very decent bloke. Why don't you believe him when he says he can't help you out?

Of course YABU. If you are freelance, surely you know to put money aside for exactly this situation.

You appear to have a very unhalthy relationship with your ex.

You also appear to have lumbered yourself with a useless DP and extended family.

YABU.

Is this for real?

You're supporting your current partner, dd and current partner's mother? And you expect your ex to lend you money for this?

YAB so U I don't even know where to start with this.

reverse?
(is it bad manners to ask if it's a reverse? Like troll hunting?)