To pull my elderly Nan up on her racism?

[BlueBananas]

My Nan is 86, shes quite naive and has led a fairly sheltered life
I've just spent a few painful hours with her over lunch where she made a few very uninformed racist comments

I pulled her up and corrected her each time but was told by others at the table to leave it alone
She isn't nasty about it and I don't think she even realises some of the things she says are offensive, but they are and most things are just totally not true
But everybody seems to just nod and smile and roll their eyes at her while I just can't

Obviously she's old and set in her ways and doesn't even listen to me most of the time so there isn't much point which is why people tell me not to bother, but AIBU to carry on banging my head against a brick wall regardless?

older members of my family can be racist and I just tell them we're not supposed to talk like that nowerdays but generally leave them to it. I worked with older pole for a long time and a lot of the really staunchly racist people were that way because of their involvement in a war. I worked with several men who detested the Japanese, for example. Who am I to try and change their opinion?

It really depends on what she's saying IMO.

I couldn't sit passively and listen to anyone spouting really racist, abusive rubbish, no matter their age.

However, there's an elderly lady living next door to us. A couple of times a week i'll see her and ask how she's doing and she'll always tell me which carers she's had in but can't remember their names. Sometimes it's 'Oh I've had that young man in today, he's ever so handsome' or 'A new blonde woman' but more often than not she's had the 'little coloured girl' in again.

Not an acceptable term anymore, but what would be the point in 'pulling her up' and lecturing her on it? She's deaf as a post and 90 if she's a day. I've never said anything. If that's the sort of thing you mean I think YABU op.

Hmm opinions are pretty mixed which has surprised me a little bit tbh
Just like to clarify that I wasn't rude atall, I didn't attempt to tell her off or anything, just corrected some words she used, told her one thing she'd "been told" was nonsense and things like that
My children weren't there, well DC3 was but he's only 2 weeks old

Some of the things she said were -
When telling me about a man she'd been chatting to in the hospital - "he looked like a Pakistan, but I don't know they all look the same to me" - his race was irrelevant to the story I might add

She also was talking about a neighbour of hers who wears a niqab and saying that she was pregnant and hasn't been seen for a while so my Nan says she isn't allowed out of the house as other men weren't allowed to see her pregnant I told her she was probably just tired and ill and that's why her husband was doing the school runs, nothing to do with her religion or what she wears
She also added and seemed very surprised that this woman was very polite and would always say hello, even though she wore "all the stuff" to which my response was - well why wouldn't she be?!

And the worst things she said was when we were talking about what's happening in Paris, she thinks that "the rest of the world should get together and bomb all the 'Islams' off the face of the planet" - I was less friendly in my response to this gem!

My nan made some comments like this at her 90th, about when immigrants first moved to Birmingham. About how they smelt of curry. I didn't say anything but struggled to maintain conversation. My dad reminded me she lived in a very different time and it was all new to her. We have not experienced that same change really.

On the other hand my grandfather was a rascit git and abused a black nurse when he had dementia. Unforgiving about that.

The thing is, for people who wouldn't say something just because someone is elderly - where do you draw your line? How old does someone have to be for you to let them off?

My uncle, for instance, comes out with racist remarks from time to time. He's late 40s/early 50s. Throws around the P word. Said recently that his niece's new baby "didn't look like he was half p*". We rightly call him out on it. Would it be different if he was 60? 70? I really don't think it would, or should be.

I think you have to judge the circumstances.
My gran is 94 and can make comments that leave me cringing. She is pleasant and polite to anyone and everyone, but she does then make comments about the number of immigrants, or comment on the fact that none of her doctors in her surgery are white, which seems to bother her.

I do sometimes gently challenge her but she won't change. However, she's just been widowed after 68 years of marriage, one of her best friends is dying, and although she is still pretty much capable of living alone, in her own house, she does still forget to eat as she adjusts to life without my grandad. Frankly, as long as she is not directly rude to anyone, she can say what she wants at this stage. My kids are unlikely to be influenced - we have lots of conversations about how difficult she's finding life at the moment and we have to be a bit gentle, even when she says and does things we don't agree with.

I'm aware that I won't have her around much longer. Her views will go when she does. I would rather enjoy the time I have left with her than have arguments or pointed discussions all the time. I am unlikely to change her attitude now and I love her too much to want to make her feel like I am always on her case.

It depends on what is said surely regardless of being a senior or junior, these are just excuses. Its not disrespectful if said in a polite tactful way. If it is disrespectful what of the disrespect of the speaker why is that excused oh shes old there there how patronising!!!

I think the first two comments are a product of her past. Not acceptable by today's standards, but I can see where she got them from. I don't think you'd change her way of thinking there.

Last one, not so much and I do think she needed pulling up on it.

Un pc but not totally racist I'd say. Apart from bomb all Islam! No I probably wouldn't comment on any of that tbh. A lot of old people ramble a load of rubbish. Things were a lot different in her day. Ynbu though. It's just I wouldn't bother x

I have a very racist father. But he is only in his sixties.

He comes out with some bullshite.

Most recent being that Hitler had the right idea because there wasn't enough room.

I told him it was Jewish successful people hitler targetted.

I asked him how would he feel if hitler had decided all the irish should be taken out. Hitler would have room then.

He has now shut up.

But it's hard to get through to him.

My dd is mixed race however her black father wanted nothing to do with us. That said I had to pull an uncle up for saying 'that's a fine looking mama' when seeing a black woman.

Actually yesterday my father saw a black woman in our small town (white irish small village) and goes 'there's a refugee'.

The past couple of months have opened my eyes to the kind of man my father is.

He absolutely despises paying tax to 'fund these cunts'

He is beyond reform.

That said. I would never say that you can't say this now. I try to bring it back to terms he understands ie relating it to himself.

It is like teaching a child.

YANBU. Age is not an excuse (in the third example). The first two are more ignorance than nastiness but you were right to gently correct.

My now exmil used the n word at my first proper family dinner with them and our new baby I got up, got him up and left she never really liked me after that.

My grandparents are both over 85 and say/do some things that are definitely racist and I find it really hard to be witness to it. It only comes out during conversation with each other, they aren't racially abusing people in the street or anything, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I honestly don't think they realise just how offensive they are being.

On a few occasions I have told them they'd gone too far. My mom has been known to just walk out their house whilst telling them she doesn't want to listen to it any more.

Your grandmother was born in 1931, so will not have led a very sheltered life, having lived through the Depression and World War Two. Discuss your opinions with her, but show some respect for, and understanding of, the many changes she has undergone in her lifetime. It will happen to you.

YABU, your poor Nan. Fight your battles where it will make a difference, and not just be pointlessly hurtful. I'm mixed race and I certainly don't need anyone berating their elderly Nan in my name! Her views are of her time, let it go.

She was born in 1929 Goblin - have I got her age wrong? I know the year is definitely right

TassleTits (brilliant name!) I didn't 'berate' her and never said I did

It depends on what is said surely regardless of being a senior or junior, these are just excuses
Not the case. As people age, their ideas go back to those of their earlier years. You might notice their regional accents becoming more pronounced - its a similar thing, to do with how the brain copes with aging.
Show some kindness, concern and respect. And, if younger, you are junior. Find a way to live with it. Ha! I wonder if I think that because there are now generations (plural) younger than me...

I don't think ywbu I would have said something .

What actual harm is she doing or capable of doing? Serious question.

And what does: 'I was less friendly in my response to this gem!' mean?

My lovely MIL is 96. She wouldn't hurt a fly and would be mortified at offending anyone, nor would she be rude to anyone.

But she also comes out with such gems as 'that darkie' lady, or "well coloured people can all run fast" .

When my boys were younger I used to just tell her that if they repeated those things after hearing her say them, they would get into trouble so she made a real effort to change. But, she forgets the new terminology the same as she forgets everything else these days. I just carry on the convo as if I hadn't heard her using the correct terminology.

• sorry terrible grammar....

I talk to her using the right terminology and ignore the fact that she got it wrong afain

I think it depends on cognitive faculties, not specifically their age.

If their thinking and memory are still fine and if you'd challenge a younger person in the same situation, then yes. But if they'll have forgotten the conversation half an hour later, then no I wouldn't.

As I have said before, My Grandmothers, one born in 1896 and the other in 1912 were not racist. As a child my maternal grandmother would have torn me off a strip if I'd used any of the words associated at the time with racism. She explained about Robertsons Marmalade and would not have it.
I was born in 1958 so I'm getting toward 60. It's unacceptable at my age too.

I know a woman who ran an orphanage in the 1950s, in a country where most black children were referred to by the 'n' word. She was the kindest woman who actually made a difference to real lives. She used the word 'coloured' because she believed it to be the most respectful term, and in those days it was.

She now even self-corrects if she accidentally use the cringe-making term "coloured"

What a sanctimonious piece of patronising, pious bollocks. I hope very much when you are that old, that you get the Language Police round kicking your door in every day.