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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off my parents have given my brother a flat deposit?

96 replies

itsthecircleoflife · 17/11/2015 23:44

Back story: Moved out a week after turning 18. Worked every hour under the sun so I could afford to live and save up a deposit. Ten years later- and ive been in my flat for nearly a year. I literally worked every hour I could to save up and at one point I was managing two jobs and studying. Never had a great relationship with my parents. They are OK I guess but very controlling and favourtise my brother so blantantly a blind duck could see it.

Hes 26. He did the whole uni, alevels etc where as I dropped out at 16 and worked. He has a very good job that will pay him very well in a few years. I can only dream of his graduate starting salary- ill be lucky if I ever make half. Parents dislike the fact I dropped out etc and that I was in a working class job and will be again in the future (made redundant last week)

Anyway- they have given him a very sizeable sum towards a deposit. Yes, he lives in London. Yes, it would take him years of saving (as it did me) and yes he wont be in the same position as me that I had a 25% deposit to put down and have low mortgage costs.

But they have given him the money. We are talking a substansial amount here. It isnt "early inheritence"

Aibu to be a bit pissed off?

OP posts:

diddl · 18/11/2015 07:24

I suppose it would have been nice to have had the money offered even if you would have said no.

Maybe they knew that you would say no?

theycallmemellojello · 18/11/2015 07:27

I think you need to just ask your parents about it calmly. There's no point stewing over it.

cleaty · 18/11/2015 07:41

That is very very unfair OP. But they would probably deny any favouritism if confronted.

Kacie123 · 18/11/2015 07:49

I take it you're not close with your brother then? Because I'd get mine to talk to them about it too and buy me iPhones secretly but that's because I love them

Truth is there's nothing you can really do about fixed family dynamics except accept them, challenge them and prepare for a big argument, or walk away. Which would you prefer? What's it worth to you?

ssd · 18/11/2015 07:57

dh had this too, he was often told he cant do anything right

we got a £20 gift voucher when we got married, SIL got £1000

TheFairyCaravan · 18/11/2015 08:07

This happens in my family. My parents give my brother and sister money and I've never been given a penny. I asked why once and my mother said "you're on DLA and your DH is in the RAF it's not like you're short of money. We all know how much DLA is!"

Both my siblings and their DP's work. That's just one of the reasons I've not seen my parents for 4 years.

Some people are nasty shits. Just because they are your parents it doesn't change that unfortunately.

SettlinginNicely · 18/11/2015 08:17

YANBU. It is favouritism, and it isn't fair.

allwornout0 · 18/11/2015 08:34

My inlaws have done similar, they don't know that we know as it was kept hush hush from us.
I have since found out that they are planning to do something similar again but on a much larger scale, all I can do is be there for my dh when it does happen as it will destroy him. He knows nothing about it and if I were to tell him he probably won't believe me as he thinks he has a good relationship with his parents.

Jux · 18/11/2015 09:02

Hmmm, have you read any Balzac? His books are full of old people who favour one selfish child over another kind child. They realise in the end how unfair they've been, usually.

KitZacJak · 18/11/2015 09:31

Sounds very unfair. It is a bit like they are rewarding him for following the path they approve of.

Could they feel that property is a lot more expensive now so he needs more help?

Could they be expecting the deposit back at all?? ie could it be a way for him to get the mortgage but he has agreed to pay them back monthly?

wowfudge · 18/11/2015 09:35

Well OP I think this demonstrates you were absolutely right to strike out on your own when you did and all your hard work means you have something to show for it and owe nothing to anyone else.

Next time your parents comment you are "always asking for money" you should answer, "I have occasionally asked for a loan and I have always paid you back".

Good luck with getting your next job.

StrictlyMumDancing · 18/11/2015 09:39

An xf of mine had something similar happen except she was loaned an amount and her sibling given it. Despite it being explained to her several times that the reason it was given to the sibling for something that was a decent investment whereas she was loaned it because it was just going to pay off debts and be peed up a wall she kept (and still does) demanding 'her money' from them - they wanted to keep money aside to help her for a real investment when she sorted herself out. As a result the sibling is always viewed as being massively favoured except in reality the parents view the sibling as being financially capable so give more in that way. Xf fails to see how often she has been bailed out non loan wise though, which probably means overall she has had the same amount given to her.

Not that you seem to be demanding money but I wonder if your parents see you in the same way, whether that's a fair view or not.

vickibee · 18/11/2015 09:44

all siblings should be treated the same YANBU

winewolfhowls · 18/11/2015 09:48

Perhaps you should view it as another way of controlling him, and that you are free (which is worth more than money)

More fool on your parents for thinking they can buy love.

wizzywig · 18/11/2015 09:57

Honestly just forget about it. It'll give you an ulcer if you think about it too much. Just accept that he will always be treated better. And if he is a great brother then he'll be helping you out whenever he can. The giving of the deposit isnt fair but i guess its their money

caitlinohara · 18/11/2015 10:06

You sound very bitter. Perhaps it is a loan as they know he will be in a position to pay it back in a few years? Or maybe he asked, and you never have. If you had asked and they refused, that would be a different matter, but it doesn't sound like you have.

It also sounds as though you are one of those lucky people who was able to buy a few years ago, and your brother doesn't have that advantage, so they may see it as a way of levelling the gap. Either way, there's not much you can do about it.

User4347876788 · 18/11/2015 10:08

I wonder if there is a 'prodigal son' thing going on. There's a dynamic like this in my family, the son does sweet FA for his parents, poor life choices, only in touch when he needs help or money. He's put on a pedestal. Hard working daughter who doggedly supports her parents is treated like a second class citizen. It's bizzare but I've seen it plenty of times.

caitlinohara · 18/11/2015 10:10

confused like Monica and Ross in Friends!!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/11/2015 10:44

With debt comes obligation. Just make sure that you never give your parents the impression that anyone other than your successful brother will be funding the care home costs should the need arise. Karma.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/11/2015 11:27

My parents have given my sister a house deposit, cars and large wodges of cash. In our case it is because she is a bit of a hopeless case and I am quite sorted financially. It did rankle a bit when we were younger but nowadays we are comfortably off so I just let it go over my head.

And yes, my sister is quite obligated to my parents while I go my own way.

fiftyval · 18/11/2015 11:50

Agree with tread's post - make sure you nip in the bud any future hints that they expect any help from you in the future. If your brother has only been in touch with them when he wants something, I wonder how helpful he will be when they are in need

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/11/2015 12:09

They favour him because they can [or believe they can] control and influence him more easily.

To be clear - it's not about funding them per se. It's about either calling them out on their unfair treatment of you both, or recognising that they are shit parents and washing their hands of them mentally.

Calling them out on it can be aggressive or light hearted in a passive aggressive manner. It doesn't have to turn into a bun fight about fair treatment and inheritance. You will lose in any case. You will be the grasping entitled child whereas your brother simply had more need at present. Which to be fair appears to be true. It simply has to be clear to them that you feel that your brother gets preferential treatment and that you are aware of it and taking note.

In my view you have to let it wash over you and most importantly not let yourself turn into one of those people who constantly run around after unappreciative parents who totally take them for granted to the point of abuse and only recognise the sporadic and ineffectual efforts of the favoured child.

heavens2betsy · 18/11/2015 12:17

My parents are the opposite. My sister is a finanical nightmare, she is useless with money and they have bailed her out of debt lots of times. Every time they do they write me a cheque for the same amount because we must be treated equally. I've told them not to - I'm older (and wiser ) and know they are there if I need them but they say if I won't accept it they won't give it to her either!!!

Zorion · 18/11/2015 12:25

YANBU. My sister and parents are like this, right down to the "You're always asking for money" when I never have. They like to rewrite history so they don't have to admit to themselves that they are a) treating us totally differently and b) buying my sister's affection.

I feel immense pride in that everything I have, whilst not much, came from my own hard work. And I don't begrudge my sister the money because she is unhappy in her life, and whilst it won't make her happier or give her what I have (money can't buy these things) it will hopefully make her life a little easier.

But I resent that my parents kid themselves that they give us the same.

Strangehappenings · 18/11/2015 12:37

Well OP you sound fiercely independent and I think good on you! You are your own person, standing on your own two feet (and all this other wonderful clichés ).

I don't get what you're pissed off about though if you are happy with the road you chose, don't want any money from your parents etc. Do you just dislike or disapprove of the path your brother has chosen maybe? You seem to be doing well on your own so what's the problem?

It is really quite weird to me that your parents didn't offer to help you when you were made unemployed tbh but then maybe they were scared to offer or thought you would have asked them if you needed help. I'm not saying this is you OP but I see in RL sometimes, young adults fighting so hard for their independence, don't want to be "controlled" by parents etc and then aren't happy when they get exactly what they wanted.

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