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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being u? Friend's dp tagging along

80 replies

MeMyMine · 16/11/2015 20:58

I live far away from lots of friends and family. Came back to my area for a week and tried to arrange seeing people. Obviously it's hard because they have their own lives but if they can fit me in I really appreciate it!

Had long-standing brunch plans with good friend who I knew in her single days and was v close to until I moved away, and a mutual (girl) friend. Plan was for a long gossipy catchup. Ex colleague then turns up with dp in tow - he had plans with his friends but these fell through so wanted to join at the last min.

Aib precious to feel a bit annoyed? I like him but wanted a catchup without him there really. I'm single so had my fair share of boy gossip to report and I haven't seen her in months! They live together so see each other all the time. I obv won't say anything but I feel quite sad about it

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/11/2015 10:52

YANBU. Your friend would have to be really really thick to not get that you wanted a catch up!

If he'd turned up with her but then went off and did his own thing then fine - hanging round with you is just weird.

Whathaveilost · 17/11/2015 11:11

memine
I've more or less dumped my friend who does this. Can you imagine a room full of between 6 and 11 women, all of which have their own DPs and DHs, at my house at different gatherings and bust one bloke everytime. My other friends have got fed up with how the dynamic has changed. Even my own DH and sons don't stay in. As soon as I mention that I'm having a night with mates round DH looks to see if there are any gigs on so he can get out the way. He describes us as painful, the more we drink!

My mate is totally in love and it's not like she is in her teens, she is 54 and he is 61. The rest of the group that I mate round with are aged between 26- 53. The conversation is always 'me and Ste think...... Don't we love' and he nods! I do like him and they are great fun when it's couples but I don't always want couples nights.

Rachel0Greep · 17/11/2015 11:24

YANBU.
I've seen that scenario sometimes though, where the couple just seem to be unable to function, without one another. I worked with a girl, whose husband had to be included into everything. It was very strange, as if they couldn't function apart. She mentioned him, and his opinions, in every other sentence.
He died a few years ago, and by all accounts, she has gone from strength to strength, since then.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/11/2015 11:28

YNBU. They get right on my last nerves couples that can't do anything. Independently. Me and DP have never been like that.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 17/11/2015 11:40

Yanbu.
On the one hand I find it weird when women never socialise with their men. For example, I am friends with some female neighbours, and will socialise with them over Xmas, but their husbands will also be there. That's nice, to have mixed gatherings.

But if it was just me and a female friend I hadn't seen for ages, then I would be really miffed to have her fella turn up uninvited!
I have stopped seeing a friend because of this. We know each other from the baby days, and so spent a lot of time together drinking tea in each others kitchens etc. I know her husband, obviously, but my relationship isn't with him. In fact I don't like him much.
The last few times we have arranged for her and kids to come over to hang out (which means kids off playing and us catching up) she has brought him. It doesn't even occur to her to call and ask "Bill's at a loose end, is it ok if he comes" it's just assumed it is fine with me.
Neither of them work long hours, so I don't see why they have to do everything together. I did once tentatively broach the subject and she said "we'll it wouldn't be fair to leave him at home all on his own on a Sunday afternon"!
I may have suggested he might appreciate the opportunity to have a wank have some peace and quiet and she was affronted at the very idea so I gave up.
I would probably mind less if I didn't think he was such a knob though.

Littleoddfeet · 17/11/2015 11:47

YANBU. How annoying. why do some people need to drag their OH everywhere with them? I had a friend that did this - we'd plan a lunch or few drinks and she'd turn up with him in tow. Our conversations ended up being so banal and dull to accommodate us all that after 3 or 4 outings it really wasn't worth getting together

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 17/11/2015 11:58

YANBU!!

I wouldn't dream of taking DH along. He wouldn't dream of wanting/expecting to. I'd be pissed off if my friend brought her DH.

Ridiculous.

lavenderhoney · 17/11/2015 12:12

I expect you could have talked about anything you liked- she's probably passed on loads of info about you to him.

I had a friend like this, and unfortunately when I suggested it be just her for a catch up she took great offence I didn't think her dp was as fabulous as she did, and said their came as a couple. Alrightly.

Then she dropped me.

Judydreamsofhorses · 17/11/2015 12:14

Definitely not unreasonable. My DP would rather carve off his own arm than come to lunch with me and a female friend.

Last weekend I'd invited a friend round to watch Strictly/X Factor when he was due to be out for the evening. His night out was cancelled because of illness, and other than saying hello/goodbye to my friend he spent most of the evening in the spare room doing stuff on the computer and watching a DVD. I'd do exactly the same if it was the other way round.

PrimalLass · 17/11/2015 12:17

YADNBU.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 17/11/2015 12:57

See, I do actually like the company of men, and like mixed company. I don't want to live in a world where the menfolk have to scuttle out of the way in case the women start talking about lady things. I like that my boyfriend is in touch with his feminine side and also enjoys the company of women ; BUT there are certain times, for example when catching up with a close female friend after a long period of not seeing them when I wouldn't dream of having him there. It does change the dynamic. Plus I can't talk about him if he's there

ILiveAtTheBeach · 17/11/2015 13:22

One of my friends, who was one of my bridesmaids, actually brought her DP to our bridesmaid dress shopping day! WTAF?! If that's not a girly day, I don't know what is. It was meant to be trying on dresses, followed by a champagne lunch. With him in tow, the dynamic was fucked. Awful.

RaspberryOverload · 17/11/2015 13:33

ILiveAtTheBeach I think I'd have put my foot down at coming along to the dress shopping.

I just don't get couples who insist on being joined at the hip for everything. DP and I do stuff together but also stuff apart, and certainly I wouldn't be bringing him along for any event that was clearly a "girls only" thing.

Fratelli · 17/11/2015 13:38

Yanbu at all! I would never take dp to a catch up with a friend unless it was specifically something everyone else was bringing partners to. Why on earth people feel the need to constantly be with their dps is beyond me. It's unhealthy!

Pippioddstocking · 17/11/2015 13:40

Yanbu

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 17/11/2015 14:19

YANBU! I had a friend that did this and it was well annoying. You don't just invite anyone to a catch up with an old friend. It doesn't really matter whether it is a DP or another female friend. If I make arrangements to go for lunch with X, I expect it to be me and X, not X + 1.

coconutpie · 17/11/2015 14:35

YANBU.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/11/2015 15:17

I confess I'm pleasantly surprised at how this thread is going!

Usually there's a shed load of posters who won't go anywhere without OH for God nor man!

whois · 17/11/2015 15:19

YABU. It's not just about you.

Well, it kind of it about the OP if she lives away and came back and organised the catch up.

People who bring DP/sister/random other uninvited friend along are annoying.

LotsOfShoes · 17/11/2015 16:13

I think it depends to be honest.in my social circle it's very normal for partners to come along. And we each get along very very well with each others' friends (i sometimes go out with 'his' friends without him if he's away). A girls only night is something that I've only done once or twice and it was specifically organised to be that way. Then again, i'm not British but from a continental European country. Back home you exclusively meet up with same sex friends only if you're 18 and under. The whole women/men divide is a bit odd (and my friends think the same way and I include my British friends here too). And no, I don't really feel some overwhelming need to be away from DH. I'm away from him 60-80 hours a week when I'm at work. There's nothing wrong with actually enjoying your partner's company.
If you were so desperate for a girls' night out you should have made it explicit.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 17/11/2015 16:13

Yanbu. I hate it when people do this.
I had a friend who wanted to bring her dh to a 'girls night out' luckily she asked if it would be ok and we all said no.
When we were in our 20's, we organised a long weekend away in New York for a 'girls weekend' and one of the friends wanted to bring her boyfriend.
When we said no, she decided not to come. He wasn't controlling either btw. She just didn't want to go without him.

Roussette · 17/11/2015 16:23

YADNBU.

There is a group of us (all female) with a shared interest and we meet to do this interest regularly. One of the group asked us round in the summer for lunch. That's 8 women.

When I arrived her DH was there directing us where to park our cars. He then plonked himself on the swinging hammock in the garden right next to us and there he stayed. 8 of us females chatting. And him. And he wouldn't shut up. I so much wanted to tell him to do one.

My DH would rather poke his eyes out than sit with 8 women chatting. I found it really really odd

Hillfarmer · 17/11/2015 16:28

YANBU. She is being very rude, and she didn't ask you because she didn't want to give you the opportunity to refuse. I hate it when people do this. And it is really hard to explain that it's not that you don't like their partner but that it - as you say - completely changes the dynamic and is not what you arranged.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/11/2015 18:36

There's nothing wrong with actually enjoying your partner's company.

The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know. You can enjoy your dh's company AND be able to remove yourself from him from time to time.

If you were so desperate for a girls' night out you should have made it explicit.

Most people would have assumed since it was a catch up of now distant old friends, it would just be the old friends, wouldn't they?

I can't think of any reasonable person who would want to intrude on that anyway.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/11/2015 18:38

God YANBU, not what you wanted or planned at all.

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