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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

crap grandparents

58 replies

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/11/2015 19:03

I had disinterested grandparents when I was a child and only realised when I saw friends having a great time with theirs. I have an almost 1 year old and my (divorced) parents are doing what theirs did... I asked my mum if she'd like to spend Xmas w us and she said no as they've ordered a turkey (wtf?) and wanted a quiet time as so tired from work. It was assumed we'd be going there.

DH and I will both work right up to Xmas and have room for everyone whereas it's a squash at hers and in the middle of the countryside. She said we'll see you in January for presents then. She's also not coming for my sons birthday at the weekend. She's come to stay a few times and I thought things were going well but after this I just feel really sad for my son that he will also have distant grandparents.

Interested to hear how people cope with this type of relationship. dHs parents adore our son so that is good. My dad is married to someone who hates kids so don't see much of him either and he makes a lot of excuses why he can't stay even when he works in London.
AIBU to expect a bit more?

OP posts:
MumOnTheRunAgain · 14/11/2015 19:06

I think yes, yabu. We are all different and enjoy our lives in different ways. A quiet Christmas is not a crime!

BackforGood · 14/11/2015 19:08

No, YANBU, but it's unlikely you'll change them.
What you need to do is accept that now, and involve other people in your dc's life - whether it's through something like Church, or neighbours, or a hobby. There are lots of people out there who do love to be around children, and can form loving bonds with them.

spanieleyes · 14/11/2015 19:08

On here we have complaints about grandparents who are over-involved and grandparents who are not involved enough! I'm not sure I would know where the happy medium was!

KeepOnMoving1 · 14/11/2015 19:09

How was she as a mother to you? I would think a disinterested mother would make a disinterested gp as well. It's a shame that both your parents are choosing to miss your ds birthday, it's their loss.
The Xmas thing though I can understand not wanting a big, noisy day and it's not for everyone.

lexigrey · 14/11/2015 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 19:11

Yabu and Yanbu.

Just because they are a grandparent doesn't obligate them to do anything.

But it hurts.

My parents are great. Dhs aren't interested. They keep moving further and further away. They are now 2.5 hours away. We can only visit for the day. Despite having a four bed house, non of the rooms 'can be turned into guest rooms'.

They haven't been over here once this year. We have been to them 5 times. Spending 5 hours in the car and only being there for 3 hours. The kids hate going over.

It pisses dh off. I feel bad for the kids but then I realise that if they wanted to be as hands on as my mum and dad it would be a nightmare.

They don't impact me and I prefer it that way. They are not bad people, just uninterested.

I only had one set of gps growing up and they were enough so I think the kids will be fine.

Higge · 14/11/2015 19:11

Neither sets of Grandparents are very interested - it's nothing personal they aren't interested in any of the grandkids. Our dcs don't like my parents very much, they are more fond of dh's mum but it's still not a warm loving relationship.
Such is life - they are loved by us, they have a very nice life...and you can't have everything.

Bonywasawarriorwayayix · 14/11/2015 19:13

YANBU to expect a bit more but there's nothing you can do about it. Accept it and ignore it. Concentrate on the grandparents who are interested.
We see my DM about once a year as she cancels visits for spurious reasons. Luckily his other grandparents are nothing like that.

Original poster
Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/11/2015 19:14

I was at boarding school from 10 so that probably rather telling!

It wouldn't be a noisy Xmas as it's just DS DH and me here.

Yes it just really hurts especially as DS is first grandson. But I can create happy memories without my parents for sure. Just a big shame!

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 14/11/2015 19:21

PIL nagged us for years to have babies. (The family live 260 miles away.) When eventually we did they went back on an agreement re visiting and have had minimal contact with DD since (we have to make all the effort and they still can't guarantee to be around for an hour when we do go up there). They care for the 5 grandchildren that came along afterwards pretty much full time. DD got a colouring book for her 5th birthday. I'm done trying now and see it as their loss. DH will try to make excuses for them but is starting to see the reality.

Eva50 · 14/11/2015 19:23

How was she as a mother to you? I would think a disinterested mother would make a disinterested gp as well

I disagree with that. Firstly, the baby is only 1 and she has "stayed a few times", she works and has her own life to lead. That's not disinterested. Secondly, I have been a very involved, hands on, Step Mum and Mum. I am not disinterested in dgs but I don't want to go there for Christmas and whilst it's lovely to see him for a couple of hours I don't want to spend my time looking after him. I've done my bit, spent many years looking after children and a bit of peace and quiet is very welcome.

Original poster
Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/11/2015 19:55

Eva I would never ask for or expect childcare. Yes she works but it's her own business and takes at least a day off per week.
I think that she was willing to stay (4/5 times over 10 months) when I was on mat leave suggested she'd like to be involved and that would include Xmas and birthdays.

OP posts:
SeasonalVag · 14/11/2015 19:59

Well I have three out four craps GPS on fact my mum is coming to visit for two days in January but insists on staying in a hotel....however she picked one over a wetherspoons in the Xmas season hahahahaha. I've not told her.

Squiff85 · 14/11/2015 20:01

YANBU.

It is not unreasonable to expect your parents to be interested and proactive with seeing your child!

My parents are wonderful, but DH parents have always been lousy. Unless its handed to them on a plate (SIL lives near them so she goes over with her kids) they won't make effort. They've seen our kids once this year. They live 40 mins away!!

SeasonalVag · 14/11/2015 20:07

Btw you only need to have one set of interested relatives....My dhs aunt and uncle are like grandparents to them....they dont notice the lack of visits

Optimist1 · 14/11/2015 20:41

In my experience there are some people who, once their children are independent, consider their involvement to be no longer required. It's sad for the adult child and any grandchildren but at least in your case your ILs are behaving as you want.

Original poster
Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/11/2015 20:56

Yes I'm lucky with the IL's but my mum gets very jealous when we spend any time with them. She didn't even ask how are holiday was with them a few months ago.
Seems a strange way to act.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 14/11/2015 21:02

Silly woman is probably "punishing" you for not putting her above your ILs. (Pure conjecture on my part, and coloured by my own mother's behaviour!!). People like that can't see that warm relationships are a two-way street.

twinkletoedelephant · 14/11/2015 21:06

My mum and dad were awesome grandparents... Them mum died dad remarried and neither me or the children see him much at all anymore :-(

He has the time to take his wife's grandson to school twice a week though....

Fugghetaboutit · 14/11/2015 21:10

Yanbu at all.

So she doesn't want to see you or her grandson over Christmas or on his birthday? That's shit and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

I would bollock my mother for that and she's pretty uninterested but would always see us chrsitmas and birthdays.

LumelaMme · 14/11/2015 21:16

Ah, it's shit when your parents don't give a stuff for your DC.

Been there, with my late father.

It's not you, it's them. Flowers

CookieDoughKid · 14/11/2015 21:21

I've seen my MIL 4 times this year and she lives 45 mins away. They are not fussed about spending Xmas day on their own. They prefer it. It's taken me a while to accept but my PIL have absolutely no interest in my dc's lives day to day. Christmas and Birthdays is more than enough and just a few hours at a time. That's fine with me. They are who they are.

sandy30 · 14/11/2015 21:24

Interested in the responses.

My DF has completely refused to acknowledge my son's first birthday - not even a text. My sister reminded him about it so he knew. He does birthdays for himself (will happily list off the presents he wants) and has no money worries (owns several properties and has 2 expensive cars). He also did not get my son even a card for his first Christmas. When we visit him (6 hours away), he goes out to visit girlfriends after about 30 minutes and leaves us in his house!. I have to accept he does not care about my son. I've long known he doesn't like me!

Strangertides1 · 14/11/2015 21:27

Along time ago I came to terms with the fact that some parents are simply done with raising children and at not bothered by other children. My own mil (fil deceased) isn't bothered at all about missing first Christmas or birthdays or subsequent dates, I've stopped the invites and leave it all dh now, gifts often turn up late, unwrapped and smelling of smoke. She was the same with my niece, who is now 9 and knowns the score. My own father lives 600 miles away and my mum 5 mins away but due to terminal cancer can't drive, I can't really take the kids to her and her house is a hazard (long story), but she makes little effort to get out the house and come to us. Anyway my point is expect nothing! Stop making the effort and simply remember not to be like them in future. X

VulcanWoman · 14/11/2015 21:29

Totally understand what you're saying, leave them to it, it's their loss. My parents were great Grandparents but can't say the same for the ex's, they're fools.