crap grandparents

[Whenwillwe3meetagain]

I had disinterested grandparents when I was a child and only realised when I saw friends having a great time with theirs. I have an almost 1 year old and my (divorced) parents are doing what theirs did... I asked my mum if she'd like to spend Xmas w us and she said no as they've ordered a turkey (wtf?) and wanted a quiet time as so tired from work. It was assumed we'd be going there.

DH and I will both work right up to Xmas and have room for everyone whereas it's a squash at hers and in the middle of the countryside. She said we'll see you in January for presents then. She's also not coming for my sons birthday at the weekend. She's come to stay a few times and I thought things were going well but after this I just feel really sad for my son that he will also have distant grandparents.

Interested to hear how people cope with this type of relationship. dHs parents adore our son so that is good. My dad is married to someone who hates kids so don't see much of him either and he makes a lot of excuses why he can't stay even when he works in London.
AIBU to expect a bit more?

I have a MIL and dad like this. My dad was a complete nightmare growing up - mental health problems that he refused to seek help for, instead preferring the endless depressions, bitterness and bile, and refusing to speak to us for days on end. DM died almost 4 years ago, and I've seen him precisely twice since then for a few hours at most - and the latest is that he's just sent DC1 a card for his 18th and nothing else.

MIL doesn't lift the phone, doesn't know what's going on in our lives, but is happy enough to see her when we make the journey 1.5 hours each way to see her.

I will never, ever understand how people can be so disinterested in their families - families who are actually nice, genuine, kind and hard working people - and hope that neither DH nor I ever become that way. It bloody hurts actually.

I hear you. 3 out of 4 gp's crap here too.
My dad nagged us to move closer, as soon as we did, pissed off & left my mum & moved abroad.
inlaws live 3 hours away & literally obsessed with their other grandchildren. They talk about them all the time. If the kids are sick, they go & help BIL family. My kid was in hospital last week, despite telling them about it, still haven't bothered to ring to see how they are.
My mum is awesome, the kids are very close to her & VV. Their bond is amazing. So I am grateful for quality here not quantity.

Ils live overseas but back in england from now until jan. They have suggested we meet for a lunch in early jan. Turned down our christmas invitation and not invited us to theirs. So that's 2 hours out of 2.5 months to see their granddaughters. They are in good health with no other commitments.

I can't tell if you are or not

They want to stay at home because they're tired from work and want to rest. You are both working up to xmas eve and want to stay at home. Neither of you seem unreasonable.

The first birthday and christmas are important for the parents, the child doesn't care much. My parents have never seen mine on their birthdays but have still remained involved and interested. Your mum has visited regularly to date. Are you reading to much into this because of your own grandparents?

Last year they expected you to travel to theirs despite your baby having very recent surgery? Then this yesr they hadn't invited you but had kinda assumed you would be travelling to them? Got a bit confused about that bit. Is there more going on that wories you?

Some other posters have mentioned other threads where grandparents try to be too involved, they are not relevant. One person can have a problem friend who never calls, somone else can have a problem friend who calls 4 times a day. Wjilst the majority of friends dont find it complicated to strike a balance. People are allowed to to have issues at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Yes Krampus I'm Prob reading too much into it but mum said yesterday they'd always stay at home over Xmas which is exactly what my grandmother used to do and actually would ask mum not to bring us when she went to stay...

I suppose it is an impasse as neither of us wants to go to each other's for Xmas so I'll just live with it and we can enjoy the company of the other grandparents.

My mum has moved to the country and has very few friends and I can see her having a lonely old age. So I feel that I should try to stay on good terms but tricky when always on her terms which it currently is.

Have appreciated hearing what others deal with and also those who think I'm being unreasonable as I know I am a bit but less than others!

Your grandmother sounds interesting that and taking into account how terms tend to be one sided, I can see why you're concerned.

I suppose all you can do is fake smile through it and sound excited when you make plans with them for Jan.

I'm in the same boat. My parents were largely disinterested parents, my father spent all his time in work to avoid my mother who had mental health problems and alcoholism. We never went without too much materially despite my parents never having two pennies to rub together (always money for drink and fags) but were mostly expected to sort our selves out.

After years of my mother nagging us to have Dcs she was delighted with them when they were babies and she play dollies feeding and nursing them but lost interest as soon as they were toddlers and 'into everything'
Fast forward years and my two are now 15 and 12. DM died of her alcoholism last year and my kids hadn't had anything to do with her for about the past 6 years. DF has never been very interested in the children but after my DM died last year within weeks he was seeing another woman. He's not seen his own GC's since May but I hear that he spends hours on end with this new woman's GC's
Cuts like a knife.