crap grandparents

[Whenwillwe3meetagain]

I had disinterested grandparents when I was a child and only realised when I saw friends having a great time with theirs. I have an almost 1 year old and my (divorced) parents are doing what theirs did... I asked my mum if she'd like to spend Xmas w us and she said no as they've ordered a turkey (wtf?) and wanted a quiet time as so tired from work. It was assumed we'd be going there.

DH and I will both work right up to Xmas and have room for everyone whereas it's a squash at hers and in the middle of the countryside. She said we'll see you in January for presents then. She's also not coming for my sons birthday at the weekend. She's come to stay a few times and I thought things were going well but after this I just feel really sad for my son that he will also have distant grandparents.

Interested to hear how people cope with this type of relationship. dHs parents adore our son so that is good. My dad is married to someone who hates kids so don't see much of him either and he makes a lot of excuses why he can't stay even when he works in London.
AIBU to expect a bit more?

My IL's haven't even met DS. That's crap grandparenting for you.

Oh. Only surpassed by them saying they weren't going to bother sending DD a card even for her birthday because they didn't see the point.

Suffice to say, I can't stand either of them and consider not seeing them a blessing!

I have a dis-interested DF who is now a dis-interested DGF.

Parent split up and are in the final stages of divorce (awaiting decree absolute but my DF not applied for it yet due to financial settlement not agreed upon).

When I was growing up, DF was always working or outside doing stuff on his car. Quality time with DF never happened. Even on holidays he sat and drank beer, watched TV or snoozed in the caravan.

As an adult and visiting my parents, he always went to work and on his night off, he would retreat to a different room to watch TV. He also has no hobbies or interests whatsoever. He never ventured out with us at all; not even when the grandchildren came along!

Last time I saw him was June 2015. Since then he has forgotten my wedding anniversary, DH's birthday, never ever phoned, emailed or text to ask how me or the children are/were. I told him that I was in hospital unexpectedly in September and I am still receiving treatment. Not once, in nearly 10 weeks, has he asked how I am.

My DD was 3 1/2 months old when he last saw her. She is now nearly 9 months old. My DS aged 3 has stopped asking about his grandad and now looks confused when I mention him.

I have invited him for Christmas, which he has accepted but I haven't heard a peep out of him.

So you're not alone OP.

Am I the only one who thinks the DGM is completely reasonable?

She's stayed 5 times in 10 mos, ie about every 8 weeks - some people would see that as too much!

She invited OP and family for Christmas and got in a turkey. She expected to spend Xmas with you, as your post indicates you have done in the past. You changed the usual plans and she wasn't arsey, just said okay, fair enough, but I've ordered Xmas dinner already and quite fancy it at home.

Presumably she had expected to spend Xmas rather than bday with you?

I must be missing something here, I don't think your mum sounds like a crap grandparent at all! She has visited a good couple of times, bearing in mind she works full time at her own business.

Why is it a crime to want to spend a Christmas at home?! My mum adores her grandchildren but has never spent a Christmas Day with them. It's her day as well and she likes to spend it with her husband.

I grew up with 3 out of 4 rubbish gps, and unfortunately the 4th died before I was born, but was a great gd to his other grandkids by all acounts. I can honestly say it hasn't bothered me, maybe I've missed out on something, but not so much that I know I'm missing it.

My dps are excellent gps. My pils on the other hand, in 12 yrs of me and dh being together they have not once visited our house, or spoken to either of our dd's on the phone, and have been known to forget birthdays. In fact when dd1 mentioned 'other grandma' recently dd2 (5 yrs old), said what other grandma, we only have one. It was quite tricky trying to explain 'you remember those people you last saw over a year and a half ago'?

If I had the IT skills I'd link to the thread lamenting the over enthusiastic GP's asking to come and see the kids!

To be honest I agree with you OP. I think it's sad when GPs/families in general don't make any effort to see each other. I write this as the adult product of families on both sides of my parents whom I barely ever saw as a child (all extended family members live 2.5-3 hours drive away). I have no relationship or real connection to any of my aunts, uncles, cousins (GPs all dead now) and honestly I barely see my own parents. I wish I hadn't made it into adulthood being so disconnected from my extended family but my parents didn't really bother trying to keep in touch with them. I feel a little robbed of feeling what having an extended family is like (my Dh's family are lovely and always in touch which honestly makes me feel my own situation more keenly). It's ironic that my parents complain that I don't see them much since they never travel to see me or my sibling and barely ever traveled to visit their own parents. I have vowed that I will not be this way as a parent myself, even if I only have my inlaws to maintain bonds with.

I had one set of grandparents (maternal) that I was very close to growing up, my grandad sadly passed away nearly 8 years ago but I still see my gran at least once a week and we ring each other regularly too. I have a nan and a 'step grandad' (paternal) whom I don't see very much but then I'm
not particularly close to them, they've always favourited my cousins and if I'm honest, it really doesn't bother me, just the way it's worked out. I never tend to hear for them but I will make the effort to ring every once in a while.

I have my own DD (2) and DSD (5) my dad doesn't bother with either because my step mum doesn't like me (always had a problem with me since she met my dad, probably because I was born). My mum in the other hand is awesome with them both, if she's introducing them to friend she always says 'these are my granddaughters' which is so lovely especially for DSD.

Revolting she hasn't invited us, when I invited her she said no. last year DS was 4 weeks old so we stayed at home. That was unpopular despite the fact DS had to have minor surgery on Xmas eve so we had to be in London.

It's the fact that she has been a relatively regular visitor then suddenly no interest for birthday or Xmas which are generally seen as times a family gets together.

Grandparents can never do the right thing on MN. They are either demanding or not interested. People have the right to spend Chrostmas day how they wish. I find some parents over sensitive on here. If grandparents don't want to spend Christmas Day with you it's their decision. We've chosen not to spend Christmas Day with any of my DC as we've chosen to go abroad this year. I'm looking forward to lying in the sun and having no stress. DC aren't happy but for the first time in 27 years we are spending Christmas how WE want to spend it. YABVU expecting grandparents to spend the day how you want it OP.

So Rose did you not see your first grandchild aged 1 at all over Xmas? That is my situation and I'm sad about it.
Good for you going on holiday. If my mum was doing this too I'd feel better than the reality of her having her xmas without us because she doesn't want to.

I get you, OP.

It's really hard when you have an idea of what you'd like your family life to be, and having the reality be...well, harsh.

It's a shame, but at least you've got your ILs?

And really, spending the holidays with people who want to be together is the main thing. I hope your Christmas is a good one [santa]

It sounds disappointing re Xmas and birthday OP, but your DM doesn't sound like a crap grand parent if she"s come to stay regularly since your DS was born.

There are lots of raised expectations around birthdays and Xmas, and it"s easy to feel hurt, slighted and disappointed when things don't go according to how you think they should.

My grandparents were all dead before I was born so I don't have a model of involved GPS, but my children"s disinterested grandparents stillakee sad. Less so now than when I was on my knees with exhaustion when my children were younger, but I still feel envious of friends onwith functional extended families.

You cant change how they are, so why not find others who love kids?

FIL couldn't give two hoots about our kids or DP, his own son.
That's fine. He lives his life, we live ours. As passion says, you can't change them. That's the way FIL chooses and he is missing out at the end of the day.

We surround ourselves with friends and other family who love and support us as we do them.

What are you going to do OP?
I'd be inclined to say something.

"DM, I'm upset about not seeing you over Christmas and you not seeing you DGD. Can we arrange for you to come over here between Xmas and New Year as id love you to spend some time with DGD on her first Christmas as last years was so pants"

Could you not say that? Or am I over simplifying the situation?

I have the relationship with my DM to say this (and have had similar chats in the past about her lacks effort). Sometimes she needs it spelling out in neon lights how her actions have made me feel.

Not saying anything will only worsen your relationship to the point of it not being a relationship any more

My parents love the kids, buy them treats, roll on the the floor with them, kiss cuddle and tickle. DHP shake hands with the kids .... There is a W/C M/C divide ....

I agree it hurts, but I suppose we have to accept they just aren't that interested. My grandparents were all very involved, we had frequent sleepovers and saw them a few times a week. As a result we still have a close relationship.

Now I have 3 children. My dad is lost to alcoholism, my mum died when I was a teenager. In laws, well, they talk the talk but they don't walk the walk. We always have to go and visit them, they decline any invitation to visit us. They live 20 minutes away. They buy thoughtful presents on birthday and Christmas. But they don't want to give our children their time, I understand, they still work full time and they want to enjoy their free time. It still makes me sad that my children aren't experiencing that special time with them though.

My paternal grandfather is very ill so my grandmother is very busy looking after him, although she enjoys seeing our children. My maternal grandmother is the only one who makes any effort at all and she is 82! She will look after them if I need her to (very infrequently) and at least once a year she takes them one at a time out for the day. She will phone and ask us for tea and come here too. I really appreciate that.

A grandchild aged 1. You might as well not bother with Christmas, it is pretty meaningless to them. But then I have never understood the religious fervour with which many celebrate Christmas, especially when it is for them almost purely a feast of conspicuous consumption.

Why don't you go to her?

Yabu. Your pissed because you wanted to spend Christmas at theirs but they want to see you after. That's totally reasonable! It's their Christmas also, why should they be obliged to spend it with you, just because your child is the centre of your world?

Why the 'wtf?!' about the turkey?

So Rose did you not see your first grandchild aged 1 at all over Xmas? That is my situation and I'm sad about it

No, we didn't as were in Australia that Christmas visiting other relatives. DD had her MIL over for dinner and we Skyped. DGC didn't know it was Christmas as they were only 13 months old. I do think you should respect your mums decision to have Christmas at home. By the time Christmas comes I'm knackered with the run up to it due to work.

Sometimes people can have unrealistic expectations of others, or not see their part in the situation.

The poster who complained about her DM who is terminally ill and never visits them, although admits she rarely leaves the house. If she is terminally ill she is unlikely to be well enough to visit you and your GC. She has bigger issues to deal with, and your role is surely to visit and support her?

A one year old does not even know it is Christmas. So no, i would not see it as a priority to visit a one year old child over Christmas. Your mum OP has said clearly that she gets very tired from full time work and needs a break. Maybe you should consider her for a change as well?

"I've done my bit" ah the bitter last words of selfish grandparents who are most likely bitter from missing out when they raised their own children. Well this is how it is for my parents anyway, they had me and my brothers young (their choice, no one forced them too) they were OK parents but preferred to shower me and my brothers with things and going ott at Xmas and birthdays instead of showing us any real love.

Now that that me and my dh have children my parents visit but it's on their terms. My eldest is 15 next month, youngest is 5 and my parents have babysat a grand total of two times in all that time. They again prefer to shower my kids with crap rather than spend any real time with them and instead of me coming to terms with how things are I've simply started to distance myself from them. It's like they enjoy seeing us struggle (our 5 year old is autistic) and just because they had no life when they CHOSE to have kids young they don't want us to have a life either, my dh agrees and finds things awkward when they visit.

Your expectations are not remotely unreasonable and I'm surprised anyone's suggesting otherwise. Enjoy the enthusiastic gps on the other side and try to just let it go. She sounds selfish and disinterested. I would be very hurt.