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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect that my home is not considered to be a hotel.....

81 replies

mammasmadhouse · 14/11/2015 09:41

I have a 20 year old DD, who is at Uni, but lives at home, she works weekends during the day. We are not a high earning family but do not expect DD1 to contribute financially in anyway (and despite spending her way through £10k last year).
My main beef is that my home just feels like a hotel, where I am expected to wash, clean and feed DD. She does very little around the house, for example this week I hadn't had chance to wash her work clothes, so got a text last night asking to make sure her stuff is dry for work today, this was after she had gone back to BF's house as they had popped in with her car for her dad to look at... She has a long-term boyfriend and they don't go out a great deal but 2 nights a week he comes to ours for tea. The pair of them walk through the door and sit down and wait to be fed, then they sit in front of the TV for the rest of the night. (Saturday night is the only night, myself and hubbie (who works nights) have where we are not preparing stuff for the next day) but this is one of the nights we spend wedged on the settee with DD1 and her BF.Three nights a week they go to his house and do pretty much the same, on the nights where my DD is here she is in her room working through her Uni work so that she can go to BF's the next day, her younger sister barely gets to see her let alone spend any time with her. If I ask her to help more with cleaning or don't do her ironing for example I get the cold shoulder and it gets very atmospheric, sometimes there is barely any conversation. Am I really being unreasonable....

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/11/2015 11:51

Be assertive, be prepared for her to be a stroppy arse then tell her to get stuck in or look for somewhere else to live if she's not happy.

She can sort out her own laundry and feed herself and the bf.

Sorry to say it but you are a pushover and you need to remind her that your home isn't her hotel.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 11:51

Yes I wouldn't be cooking for an adult or secondary school aged child who didn't pull their weight.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 11:52

She needs to fall flat on her face to be motivated to change. So stop washing her clothes and let her reap the repercussions of her actions

Scoobydoo8 · 14/11/2015 13:15

You are talking as if the DD is a senible reasonable adult - if she pays rent she will argue more/ be nastier/ make a worse job of any jobs set her imo.

You can take a horse to water etc.

You can insist she does her washing - the upshot will be a wm constantly filled with wet clothes and a drier constantly full of half dried clothes, insist she cooks a meal the kitchen will be a disaster area, she will also prob nick your fridge foods.

If the OP is willing to battle through all this, which imo is not likely as she has laid down no rules thus far, then go for it.

But some rules and requirements must be met - for the DD's benefit if nothing else. Leaving home, eventually, unable to lift a finger to help yourself is a bad start, so at least set her on the path of some self care.

And sticking the tv in the bedroom wasn't a reward as stated above but a reprieve for the adults who otherwise had the idle pair hogging the sofa.

KatieLatie · 14/11/2015 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/11/2015 13:30

She has a long-term boyfriend and they don't go out a great deal but 2 nights a week he comes to ours for tea. The pair of them walk through the door and sit down and wait to be fed, then they sit in front of the TV for the rest of the night.

I hope they at least wash up?

PennyHasNoSurname · 14/11/2015 15:12

More fool you OP

shutupanddance · 14/11/2015 15:16

Speak to her, she needs to know shes welcome but there are terms.

BumWad · 14/11/2015 15:17

You are enabling her

GruntledOne · 14/11/2015 15:19

Nearly six hours on and OP hasn't come back to the thread. What on earth is the point of starting a thread if you're not sufficiently interested to come back and engage with people a bit?

Original poster
mammasmadhouse · 14/11/2015 15:31

Sorry for not replying earlier, my youngest dd had a league match today, so have been supporting her and her team in the glorious rain.Thank you all for your input and comments, they are appreciated and have been taken on board

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/11/2015 15:32

I hope she does come back and sees that it would be entirely reasonable for her to start getting tough with her spoiled and entitled dd.

scarlets · 14/11/2015 22:43

I think that having her boyfriend over twice per week is fine. However, the rest is bonkers. I was spoilt like this and it did me no favours.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 23:49

So OP, did your DD do chores as a junior/secondary aged child?

amarmai · 15/11/2015 06:14

as you have brought her up to expect your services, how will she react if you withdraw them? If for her your behaviour=love then you may precipitate a disastrous reaction . Perhaps it's better to wait until she is finished at uni and then have the talk about adult responsibilities.

HicDraconis · 15/11/2015 06:55

My 7 & 10 year olds empty and restack the dishwasher, sort laundry, move a load from the washing machine to the dryer & put the next wash on, clear the table if they've not helped cook or prep dinner and will quite happily cook themselves a basic breakfast (poached eggs on toast, eggybread, etc) if they're hungry and I'm having a lie in. They bring us tea and coffee in bed too!

Your DD needs to start some basic family chores, contribute to the food she eats if nothing else and learn some manners. 20 is not too late to start!

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2015 07:35

Yabu as you choose to do these chores for her, your choice is do her chores or get the cold shoulder...I know which I would choose

maybebabybee · 15/11/2015 07:40

In the nicest possible way OP you are being way too soft. It is ridiculous that she is twenty and you are doing her washing Confused. My DBro is only 14 and does his own washing and ironing.

The problem is if you haven't brought them up to help its hard to start instigating effectively. You are going to have to be very firm.

VocationalGoat · 15/11/2015 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PresidentUnderwood · 15/11/2015 07:56

OP - Your latest post effectively shuts us all down "thank you for your input" is the MN equivalent of "fuck off I don't agree with you".

Change doesn't have to be dramatic, it can be incremental - but one things for sure, change is going to have to come in your house if you want your daughters to be independent, capable adults

timelytess · 15/11/2015 08:04

You are not this woman's slave.
Tell her to shape up or ship out.

Damselindestress · 15/11/2015 08:38

I don't think OP was saying fuck off, she has other things going on in her life and just left a quick comment! Also, it is hard to change ingrained patterns of behaviour, it's obvious from the outside that she needs to stand up to her daughter but if that hasn't already happened at this age, it may take some time. It would be nice if everything could be neatly concluded in an update but real life doesn't always work that way.

mommy2ash · 15/11/2015 08:49

Surely this situation is entirely of your own making. Either you stop treating her like a child and expect more of her or accept this is how you raised her. I too am interested in what your text back said when she reminded you to have her clothes ready

Archer26 · 15/11/2015 08:51

At 16 my mum said to me 'here you are in charge of your own washing now'. She showed me how to use the washing machine and off I went. She also said if I was in, she'd do me dinner but if I was out I would sort my own out when I got back. We also took turns to cook whilst at home. I left home at 22 and like your daughter I was at local uni and worked weekends. I may have grumbled at the time but I'm bloody glad she did because when I moved in with dp straight from home, he had no idea so it's a good job I did!

I think you're well within your rights to ask her to do her own washing! Also a little board doesn't hurt, my parents took a meagre sum each month but as I was earning I expected it.

Savagebeauty · 15/11/2015 08:58

My dd will be back from unicfor a month at Xmas.
She will contribute financially ..not much but that makes her realise that food has to be bought and electricity paid for. She will put the washer on as and when , and be expected to clean up/ empty dishwasher etc.
I am not a hotel and she is doing all of that at uni herself.
I can't believe you are letting your daughter get away with that sort of behaviour.

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