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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect that my home is not considered to be a hotel.....

81 replies

mammasmadhouse · 14/11/2015 09:41

I have a 20 year old DD, who is at Uni, but lives at home, she works weekends during the day. We are not a high earning family but do not expect DD1 to contribute financially in anyway (and despite spending her way through £10k last year).
My main beef is that my home just feels like a hotel, where I am expected to wash, clean and feed DD. She does very little around the house, for example this week I hadn't had chance to wash her work clothes, so got a text last night asking to make sure her stuff is dry for work today, this was after she had gone back to BF's house as they had popped in with her car for her dad to look at... She has a long-term boyfriend and they don't go out a great deal but 2 nights a week he comes to ours for tea. The pair of them walk through the door and sit down and wait to be fed, then they sit in front of the TV for the rest of the night. (Saturday night is the only night, myself and hubbie (who works nights) have where we are not preparing stuff for the next day) but this is one of the nights we spend wedged on the settee with DD1 and her BF.Three nights a week they go to his house and do pretty much the same, on the nights where my DD is here she is in her room working through her Uni work so that she can go to BF's the next day, her younger sister barely gets to see her let alone spend any time with her. If I ask her to help more with cleaning or don't do her ironing for example I get the cold shoulder and it gets very atmospheric, sometimes there is barely any conversation. Am I really being unreasonable....

OP posts:
confuseddazed · 14/11/2015 10:37

OP my nan used to tell us our mum was making a rod for her own back with my brother.

My nan is no longer alive, but her words have come true.

My 39 (nearly 40) year old brother still lives at home (well actually he lives in our former 3 bed family home, whilst my parents live in the extension they built next door).

He pays the princely sum of £100 per month, pays NO bills, has mum cooking for him, doing his washing, buying his lottery & food etc.

He also owes my parents and the back money, despite his laughably minimal expenses, and the fact he has a well paid job.

The other week my dad got locked out of his car at my house. He phoned mum, and she said she would get my brother to come over with the spare key (both my parents are disabled, so walking not an option).

I had to go to work, so assumed things would be fine. An hour later mum phoned me to tell me my DB refused to get out of bed, as he was agnry with my dad for not going to view a car for him (DB already has a car). So I had to leave, get a lift to my parents, get the key, then come home to give it to dad.

Despite this my parents still got my brother drinks and lottery the next day!

Don't make a rod for your own back OP!

confuseddazed · 14/11/2015 10:38

Bank - not back!

maras2 · 14/11/2015 10:41

Our DD lived at home during her Uni years but we hardly saw her as she worked 2 jobs - early morning cleaning and evening / night bar work.Her 2 days off were used to do coursework catch up.When she was in we got used to hearing her shout " I'm putting a wash on does anyone need stuff doing "? or " Who fancies toast/cuppa/spag bol etc"? Your little snowflake is doing herself no favours with her attitude.Have a word with her and her boyfriend before WW3 errupts.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 10:41

Did you give her chores as a junior/secondary aged child?

I would just inform her that of you're cooking for them, they are washing up and putting away.

Don't do her clothes washing at all

specialsubject · 14/11/2015 10:42

as others say, sounds like you raised this monster and it is now biting you.

time for a firm announcement that the rules have changed. From now on you are showing her the skills she needs (and should have picked up years ago) and then it is her job to use them. No need for a screaming match, just a statement of house rules.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/11/2015 10:42

Stop doing it all!

I moved out for university and moved back in for two years afterwards to save money. I did everything myself - laundry, cooking, cleaning, housework. Mum did the food shop but I contributed, and I paid a nominal amount in rent as well.

Hell, I was doing most of the above during sixth form with the exception of paying rent (I didn't have a job as I had Saturday school and so studied 6 days a week).

I don't think she should be expected to spend time with her sister, though. She's an adult who does get to choose how she spends her time (ie. studying alone, or with her BF), but she should be contributing to the running of the house in general, and giving some financial contribution, even if you don't need it and keep it in a savings account for her.

Stand your ground and stop letting her take the piss.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2015 10:44

You are enabling her. What did you expect? Start charging her rent and stop skivvying for her.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/11/2015 10:45

When the sit for tea, leave them there.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 10:45

My parents did everything for my brothers too. They have never pulled their weight. As a result it's been a nightmare for my poor SIL's.

Scoobydoo8 · 14/11/2015 10:50

I wouldn't ask for rent as then she can demand a service - but no washing of clothes, tidying of things, meals when they visit can be pizza, I certainly wouldn't make an effort for them. The prob with making her do stuff is that the kitchen etc will be left a mess so you have to decide if you can face dealing with that.
Get a tv for her room and insist she and bf watch tv there. Ill mannered, selfish, lazy, thankless prats. Treat them as they deserve.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2015 10:54

'I wouldn't ask for rent as then she can demand a service '

Haahaahaa! For real? So I can demand my landlord skivvy for me because I paid my rent? She doesn't clean the kitchen after she makes something she moves the fuck out in the real world. You really think enabling a person like this by rewarding htem with a telly is 'treating them as they deserve'?

People get like this because parents mollycoddle them and dance round them.

It does them no favours because eventually, we all have to live in the real world where you pay the LL rent to live there and if you trash the property, you get thrown out of it.

Notoedike · 14/11/2015 10:55

Omg my 12 year old has to pull his weight more than this - you need to expect more.

spanieleyes · 14/11/2015 10:56

My 23 year old son is living at home whilst completing his post graduate qualifications ( although he lived away whilst completing his undergraduate degree) and, whilst he doesn't pay rent etc he pays for the food shopping every second week, does his own washing and ironing, cleans and tidies ( when asked, he never seems to see the mess himself!) and cooks for himself (and his girlfriend when she stops over) . I don't really do anything for him other than provide a roof over his head!

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2015 10:57

'Demand a service'??

Chipping in with a bit of rent, or as lots of people call it 'Paying your keep', does not entitle you to demand a service.

It's about living in the family home when you are no longer considered a dependant.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2015 10:58

The washing I wouldn't mind as everyone's go in together. My DC ironed their own clothes from the age of 14, helped with the cleaning and household stuff.

She'd have to do everything if she lived away, so she needs to start looking after her own things, cook occasionally (and shop) and clean the house she lives in on a regular basis,

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/11/2015 10:59

I wouldn't ask for rent as then she can demand a service

Are you for real? I rent, should I get my landlord to come over and do my laundry and cook me meals then? I pay rent so I have a secure roof over my head, not so I can "demand a service".

OP's DD is an adult who apparently has enough money to run a car. If she can afford a car (and petrol, insurance, MOT etc.) then she can afford to give a nominal amount in rent every month. And she certainly has the time to do housework if she can go to her bf's three nights a week! She's just being an entitled madam.

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 11:04

OP make a list of all the jobs that you all do in the house. Sit down with everyone and ask them which chores they want to be put on rota for. On the days they are with you they should do 40 minutes of chores

Jftbo74 · 14/11/2015 11:05

Ask her to cook the meal. Tell her you have the ingredients waiting

Dinglethdragon · 14/11/2015 11:05

One of my dds lives at home and goes to uni, I don't charge her rent either - but she does most of the shopping, a lot of the cooking, has been doing her own washing since she was about 14. When my other dd went off to uni she was completely shocked to find that her flat mates didn't know how to cook a meal. She used to do a full cooked Sunday lunch for them all - they'd buy the food, she'd do the cooking.

You need to show her how to use the washing machine as a first step!

Bimblywibble · 14/11/2015 11:06

Sit her down and start a new regime. What can she and younger DD cook? Does she know how to use the washing machine?

She probably won't start contributing until you make it clear things will change. But in the longer term, it's better for her and much better for your relationship if you can both start thinking of her, and treating her, like an adult.

MediumBox · 14/11/2015 11:11

What can she and younger DD cook? Does she know how to use the washing machine?

irrelevant. at her age she can look it up on the internet or ask.

Mintyy · 14/11/2015 11:16

Yanbu, but do take some of the blame for the way she has turned out yourself, won't you?

I'm always amazed by parents complaining that their children are a certain way or do certain things but not seeing that it has anything to do with them!

ImperialBlether · 14/11/2015 11:25

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her you want some time on your own with your husband on a Saturday night. If they're there you can't watch what you want on tv and you can't lie on the sofa if they're on it.

What you have to remember is she does exactly what she wants. It's time you took a leaf out of her book.

HappenstanceMarmite · 14/11/2015 11:28

Stop wallowing in your chosen role of chief martyr and start enabling your daughter to become a successful independent woman. This is codependent behaviour.

Notoedike · 14/11/2015 11:41

If I ask her to help more with cleaning or don't do her ironing for example I get the cold shoulder and it gets very atmospheric, sometimes there is barely any conversation - at this point I wouldn't be cooking for her either, she is ungrateful and spoilt, and you you so easily manipulated - I won't tolerate huffing from my dcs - they know that huffing will make things worse for them as I will never yield in the face of a sulk.