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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this odd regarding christening?

63 replies

fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 20:37

Hello all. Hope you're well. Willing to be flamed here so apologies in advance lol.
My friend has a dd who is nearly 1. Dd is he first child and a lovely baby. My friend is getting dd christened soon and told her close friends today that they are having the christening but only close family will be able to have the post christening buffet but no one else. That leaves close friends and further afield relatives to attend the christening with no post christening gathering. Friend reports that it's due to finance but her partner is a chef and from last experiences they don't appear to struggle with money (things she's told me not things I've imagined or assumed). Of course we're going to the christening to support friend and her dd but am IBU to find this odd?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 12/11/2015 20:40

Not odd at all.

Fluffy24 · 12/11/2015 20:41

Is it about using a blanket policy to deal with not having to have certain friends or further afield relatives attending?

MammaTJ · 12/11/2015 20:42

I would rather do a cheaper spread for more people personally, but it is not my DD being Christened. Each to their own, I guess.

It is a little odd though.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/11/2015 20:42

If I couldn't feed someone, I wouldn't invite them. A bit divisive I think.

diddl · 12/11/2015 20:43

Odd to me.

Come to the Christening & then piss off because we can't afford a couple of sarnies & a drink for you?

Or stand around & watch the chosen ones eat?

I mean if you can't afford to do food, don't!

But don't choose who can & can't have it!

Can't they just do tea & cake for everyone?

ShamelessBreadAddict · 12/11/2015 20:44

That does sound a bit odd; I know lots of people who only had close friends / family at their DCs' baptisms due to finance, so they just didn't invite anyone they couldn't afford to host. If you're part of her church that's different I think.

Her OH being a chef doesn't really make a difference though and I don't think you can assume they can afford a big party based on the state of their finances in the past. If she says they can't afford it she probably can't.

Fluffy24 · 12/11/2015 20:44

Of course they may not want a huge gathering and close family only is the most simple easy to cut the numbers (eg how else do you pick between cousin Fred versus school mate Linda, etc).

putcustardonit · 12/11/2015 20:45

Maybe it's during a normal sunday service and only close family and god parents are invited for lunch. That would be quite normal.

If you've received an invitation though I would expect something to eat and drink.

Notagainmun · 12/11/2015 20:46

If you invite people to function you lay on refreshments for them, basic manners in my opinion. Your friend should haveonly invited close family.

gamerchick · 12/11/2015 20:47

I wouldn't be going, best friend or not. 'Yes come to the insanely boring church thing and please bring gifts but you can piss off afterwards because we ain't feeding you'.

No thank you.

iamanintrovert · 12/11/2015 20:48

Sounds rude to me. Are you expected to leave before the buffet, or expected to stay but not eat?

iamanintrovert · 12/11/2015 20:49

Oh yes, I suggest no gift if no buffet.

diddl · 12/11/2015 20:50

So people have actually been invited to the Christening at the church, but not for any food afterwards?

"Maybe it's during a normal sunday service and only close family and god parents are invited for lunch."

Well you wouldn't expect to cater for any of the congregation that fancied it!

But surely as with a wedding, you invite to the ceremony & for some food after?

Original poster
fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 20:50

Thanks I'm not criticising them I was just curious as to views. Personally I would do a smaller affair so I could cater for people rather than feel awkward turning people away after ceremony!

OP posts:
ShamelessBreadAddict · 12/11/2015 20:51

no gift if no buffet

Grin I agree with you iam but for some reason this made me chortle. "These are my terms; no buffet? No gift".

Original poster
fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 20:55

We are expected to leave post ceremony so not watch other people eat but also just leave !

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 12/11/2015 20:56

Very crass. If you can't afford to offer the traditional hospitality, don't expect them to come with gift in hand to the church.

White cake and tea and perhaps a punch are all that etiquette demands of a post-christening reception and surely they can afford that for any number of guests. So they are choosing to make some people second-tier.

They can do as they wish but I would not give up a large chunk of of a free day to be an "audience member" at the church. If anything etiquette would approve the other way around -- you have a small or private ceremony and then the larger reception to celebrate with friends.

pudcat · 12/11/2015 20:56

Do close friends and further afield relatives actually go to Christenings? If they have been invited - yes they should be asked to the celebration afterwards. It only needs to be some cake and a drink to toast the baby. If only invited for the church ceremony, is that to get gifts?

Original poster
fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 20:59

Thanks for your views. I will give dd a voucher as I wouldn't want her to miss out and they're lovely people , would feel bad just giving a card!

OP posts:
putcustardonit · 12/11/2015 21:00

But diddl I'm imaging the scenario; DPs decide to have their DD baptised. They elect to have it done during a normal church service with their immediate family and God Parents.
The DM mentions in passing to friends what's happening and they decide to go & watch. They then should expect lunch because they are just part of the congregation.

If an invitation was sent to the Op then she should expect to be fed. IYKWIM.

Original poster
fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 21:04

Custard it's not being done during a service but as an individual ceremony x

OP posts:
putcustardonit · 12/11/2015 21:06

In which case it's very rude not to offer even a cup of tea and piece of cake.

BackforGood · 12/11/2015 21:06

I'm not 100% clear that she is inviting people to come but not feeding them though. From your OP it sounds as if she's just chatting about it, and then suddenly thought she'd better clarify they are having a small 'do', not a big party, in case you all thought you might be invited or something.

As others have said, it becomes public knowledge at our Church if a member is having their LO christened, and, as it is part of the normal service, obviously everyone and anyone could come, but you wouldn't feed the whole congregation, and nor would that be expected, but if they sent a card/letter inviting someone, then I'd expect them to be invited to lunch afterwards.

Or has she honestly invited someone to travel to be there at the service and then not feeding them?

BackforGood · 12/11/2015 21:07

x-posted.
Well that's rude then.
They could just do a cuppa / glass of something and a cake - needn't cost much - but you don't invite people to a special service and then tell them to clear off whilst others are fed. That is rude.

Original poster
fluffyfox1 · 12/11/2015 21:09

Hi back for good. My friend told me as her and dp have already made decision and are bending invites. They appear to be inviting many people but only asking close family to stay post ceremony for food and everyone else to go home!

OP posts:
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