Is this odd regarding christening?

[fluffyfox1]

Hello all. Hope you're well. Willing to be flamed here so apologies in advance lol.
My friend has a dd who is nearly 1. Dd is he first child and a lovely baby. My friend is getting dd christened soon and told her close friends today that they are having the christening but only close family will be able to have the post christening buffet but no one else. That leaves close friends and further afield relatives to attend the christening with no post christening gathering. Friend reports that it's due to finance but her partner is a chef and from last experiences they don't appear to struggle with money (things she's told me not things I've imagined or assumed). Of course we're going to the christening to support friend and her dd but am IBU to find this odd?

Sounds as if it is for the gifts then. I don't think I would go especially if I had to travel.

They are not lovely. That's not a lovely thing to do.

If I was local I would go.. However I can't imagine travelling a long distance to not be offered at least a cup of tea.. no...She will be on here complaining people didn't turn up

Odd yes, and pretty rude too.

If they can only cater for family then they should only invite family.

Inviting people, then telling them to bugger off after the ceremony smacks of poor manners and greed. It sounds like they just want gifts but can't be bothered with entertaining their guests.

I also would add a card is plenty if just attending the service.. No way would I send a voucher which would save them more money... If I bought anything it would be very religious...

Very odd and bloody tightfisted indeed. And no, they are not in the least bit lovely, op. A lovely person would know you just don't do that.

It sounds like little more than a gift-generating exercise, which is a bloody rude. I'd personally decline the summons.

Yes I might question their alleged loveliness too testing, but then I don't know them.

Also wouldn't buy a voucher for a christening where I was only going to the church really. Maybe a prayer book for DD as star suggested.

Thanks guys. I would feel awful not getting a voucher but I agree that it is a bit much. I may get a smaller present as suggested

And for the record, technically it is impossible for the couple to "invite" anyone to the church as the church is open to all anyway. You can "inform" people that a ceremony such as a wedding, christening, funeral, etc., is taking place in a church but you can't really "invite" them or portray yourselves as the host.

So for her to be "inviting" people to the ceremony and then expecting them to depart with no hospitality offered is an even more egregious etiquette error. Unbelievable.

the reason people get away with things like this, and why the rude behavior is perpetuated, though, is because they get rewarded for it. OP, you say you can't bring yourself to NOT give a gift even though you are not being invited to a gift-giving occasion. Once enough people start feeling righteous in shirking their duties as host while still cashing in on the perks of the occasion, it becomes difficult to make a case for traditional give-and-take of social behavior. I understand how you would feel stingy to give only a card but if enough people fail to make a stand, we all will be doormats to the gift grabbers. Couldn't you give the child a welcome gift separately unrelated to the christening? And after a time lapse long enoug to give the couple pause to think?

Usually the gifts are given to the baby/parents at the celebration after the ceremony. So when would you give it?

That's plain shitty behaviour. I wouldn't attend or give a gift, it's not much different to getting a wedding invitation to the church service then being told to piss off while the chosen few go eating and drinking and dancing. They just want gifts, they're not interested in your company.

Pudcat i hadn't thought of that ! It's all a bit confusing!

Rude. I wouldn't go and certainly wouldn't give a gift.

Get a gift if you wish but don't get one so their DD won't miss out. Thier DD is a baby and won't care at all.

I wouldn't go unless I was religious.

We had both ours christened as part of the normal Sunday service. I personally don't agree with private baptisms; part of the baptism service is about welcoming the candidate to the family of the church and you can't do that if the church family (ie the normal congregation) aren't there. We also invited a whole host of family and friends to both, some travelling quite a way to attend.

With DC1 we had a hot buffet in the church hall afterwards and invited the whole congregation, probably around 20 came, plus our invited family and friends. With DC2 we had a lot less money and were members of a different church, which we had only recently started attending due to relocations so felt that we didn't know people so well. We had sandwiches and cake back at our house for invited guests and a few members of the congregation that we felt we knew personally. We also asked for no presents for both, although a number of people ignored this, as our friends and family had been so generous when both DCs were born.

Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying that expecting presents and offering nothing afterwards by way of hospitality is pretty rude.

If you do want to get a gift, then this www.amazon.co.uk/Gods-Dream-Desmond-Tutu/dp/076364742X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1447368140&sr=8-3&keywords=Children%27s+bible+Desmond+tutu is a beautiful book. He also wrote a lovely children's bible, the best I have seen.

Does it specify on the invitation that there will be no post service refreshments to anyone who isn't immediate family? Is your friend so unversed in social etiquette that she doesn't realise that this is not on?

If she has made it clear to guests who are expected to travel for the ceremony won't be getting any refreshment then she has no right to be disappointed that some people can't or won't attend.

Oh it's odd, yeah. And rude to boot.
Am also curious as to whether this info will be on the invites?

Hello as far as I'm aware she is not sending invites but sending a Facebook message so not sure how it will be expressed!

I think you need to tell her that if she doesn't want to seriously piss a lot of people off that she should either offer at least some tea and cake afterwards or not word it as an invitation. This could backfire for her if guests turn up in the expectation of something afterwards.

Really odd.

They should only invite the number they can be hospitable towards.

I wouldn't mind not being invited, but I would very much mind being treated as a second rate guest. Is it in order to get gifts?

I think that's rude. If you invite people, you should include everyone in the whole event.

I do know a couple who had their child christened, invited lots of people and said that they were welcome to join them in the pub afterwards, but would have to pay for their own food and drinks. I thought that was a bit cheeky.