Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To organise a surprise wedding vow renewal?

23 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 12/11/2015 12:35

Some of you may remember a thread I started recently about how my parents' wedding was under quite sad circumstances and how my DM has always wanted to renew her vows to DF.

My sister and I have decided that we would really like to arrange a surprise vow renewal for their upcoming 35th wedding anniversary at the beginning of March but there are a few things I'm considering and trying to decide whether or not it's a good idea.

Dm is due to have surgery in December, a fairly serious op but nothing that would impaire mobility etc - we aren't sure if Dm will have recovered enough by their anniversary to have a nice do.

Dm and Df might like to have some input in their day and a surprise will deny them that chance.

It's quite a short time scale but next year would be 36th anniversary which doesn't seem quite the same!

Aibu to organise it as a surprise? Should I give them a heads up so they can help plan/anticipate?

OP posts:

MrsBojingles · 12/11/2015 12:40

To be honest I don't think I could do that - do you know for certain if they both want to renew their vows? It's a pretty personal thing to be arranging. Not like throwing a surprise party. I understand the sentiment behind what you are trying to do though.

Pootles2010 · 12/11/2015 12:40

What a lovely idea, i remember your thread. I must say if i was your mum, i would want input, sorry.

Wineandrosesagain · 12/11/2015 12:40

Blimey, I wouldn't risk arranging that as a surprise. If its something they really want to do then they will have their own ideas about what would make it very special, so I do think you need to involve them. Also, for such an occasion, they will want to make sure that they look their best, feel up to it post-operation etc, have some input to guest list. It really is too personal for them as a couple for you and your sister to arrange everything.

Gruntfuttock · 12/11/2015 12:43

No, not as a surprise. Discuss it with them both.

celtictoast · 12/11/2015 12:56

Not as a surprise.

mummymeister · 12/11/2015 12:59

sorry but this would be my idea of hell. I got married once, made the vows then and would never want to renew them. also arranging something like this as a surprise does have the potential to go horribly wrong. don't do it unless you speak to them first. wedding vows are terribly personal and how ever difficult the first time they did them, its not really your role now to organise this.

why not arrange a lovely party instead and if as part of the discussions on it with your parents they say they would like to do this then you can. there are some lovely celebrants around that could help with this but please make it be their decision and not yours.

scribblegirl · 12/11/2015 13:01

There was a thread on here a while back where a MNer wanted to organise a surprise vow renewal for her DH and it was universally agreed that it shouldn't be done as a surprise - sorry OP.

I would go with a specially printed up card for their anniversary which says 'we would like to club together to pay for you to renew your vows'

PurpleTreeFrog · 12/11/2015 13:02

It's like an arranged marriage..!

nameschangerer · 12/11/2015 13:04

I think it's a lovely idea.

Can you maybe find out by Internet searches average recovery times for her operation? So you can be reassured if 2/3 months is long enough.

I don't think it's too personal a thing to do as a surprise I think it's a lovely gesture, but....could you maybe tell one of them, like your dad? Then he could help plan and it would surprise your mum?

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 12/11/2015 13:05

Hmm, ok thanks for the input!

I know 100% that DM wants to renew their vows. I don't think Df minds either way, I'm sure they would both be thrilled if it was a surprise but given the choice I do wonder if they would like some say in what happens, write their own vows etc.

Would it work if we just told them we were organising one? That way they could decided what they want on their day but leave all the stress of organising everything to me & dsis?

OP posts:

nameschangerer · 12/11/2015 13:05

I know a couple of people who've had a surprise marriage and wedding vow renewal. Groom picked dress and all. Doesn't have to be a disaster x

worldgonecrazy · 12/11/2015 13:06

We had something similar at a handfasting ceremony I did a couple of years ago. In that case the father and the daughter cooked up the ceremony between them and arranged it as a surprise for the mum. It was lovely - they told her that they were going somewhere posh for dinner, and organised for her to have her hair done, then when she arrived home, all her friends and family were waiting for her in the garden. It was a lovely moment.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 12/11/2015 13:06

No! Not as a surprise! Absolutely not!

I didn't see your previous thread but if the wedding was under difficult circumstances then there may be elements that had to be abandoned or that your mother wasn't able to do & it could be that she has had ideas in her head for many years about incorporating those missed elements into their vow renewal. This may be the last chance she has to make the ceremony the one that she wanted (they are unlikely to renew their vows a second time) & if its a surprise you will be robbing her of the chance to have her wedding day again.

Its a lovely idea & would be a wonderful, thoughtful gift but perhaps you & Dsis can pay for it & your mum plans it? Having had a mum very ill also, its important that she has something to look forward to & the planning may distract her whilst she recovers & give her a fixed point in the future to aim at.

I hope the op goes well :)

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 12/11/2015 13:06

That's a good idea names, will run that by dsis!

DM had a similar operation a few years ago and recovered really well but I will do some research.

OP posts:

Thesearegoodtimes · 12/11/2015 13:07

I wouldn't do it as a surprise. I'd also wait to see how she is after the operation. It's something really personal, it's not like a 40th birthday or something like that and I wouldn't want it done for me.

Didiusfalco · 12/11/2015 13:07

I think a lovely anniversary party would be great, and could include cake, nice flowers, outfits etc, but a vow renewal is too personal to be sprung upon them.

ClaraLane · 12/11/2015 13:08

Why don't you discuss it with your parents but not mention it to the guests so your parents know it's a vow renewal but it's a surprise for the guests?

pinkdelight · 12/11/2015 13:25

"Dm and Df might like to have some input in their day and a surprise will deny them that chance."

Definitely. Don't do it as a surprise. Surprise is an irrelevant factor. It's a lovely idea, let them know and involve them in it. It's still a nice surprise that you've thought of it but beyond that, surprise will just create problems.

Fratelli · 12/11/2015 13:48

No surprise! Ask them. Personally I would hate it as nothing screams "we've got problems in our marriage" like a vow renewal in most cases!

MaxPepsi · 12/11/2015 13:51

Why not discuss the vow renewal with your parents but leave that element of surprise for the guests?

Personally, I would hate it if anyone organised any type of surprise let alone something so personal as my wedding vow renewal.

Although I would appreciate the gesture.

Magpie18 · 12/11/2015 13:53

I would honestly hate this to happen for me. I know three couples who have arranged their own vow renewals - two had "recovered" from affairs, the others split within a year.
Don't do it without speaking to your parents first

Mishaps · 12/11/2015 13:56

It's a lovely idea, but I think the surprise element is a bit OTT.

MissBattleaxe · 12/11/2015 14:32

Nice idea, but only if its not a surprise. Otherwise it defeats the object of having a wedding style day the way they wanted. Offer to arrange a lovely anniversary party and ask them if they would like to renew their vows as you could help book things for them.

If their wedding didn't quite go the way they wanted it, then it is especially important to have autonomy over the attempt to put that right.

And don't let anyone choose your Mum's outfit except your Mum!

Flip