To think there is some weird school gate culture I am just learning about?

[Sweetpotatocurry]

I have a ds in nursery, and we just moved to Scotland in the summer. Ever since he started nursery I have noticed some kind of weirdness with some mums. I always do my best to be friendly and say hello, smile etc, even if my baby is screaming at drop-off etc, I am pretty friendly by nature anyhow, but am also conscious I might be seeing these ladies for many years to come, so of course I make an effort. A couple of mums are friendly and quite 'normal' but others blow really hot and cold...one day they are all chat, the next they don't even say hello. Some are very cliquey and ignore me if I say hi, and I know they see me, and very few will bother introducing me to others. I know everyone is busy and might be under pressure, but I asked an old friend and she said that this is typical of the nursery/school gate mums. My ds has been behaving well as far as I know, so don't think it is that. I haven't had the chance to offend anyone! I lived in London before this and most mums at nursery were fairly consistent (friendly or otherwise!) So is my friend right?

Yes I used to find it an ordeal.

It gets easier over time. Once your dc get older and make firmer friends, their parents have to arrange things with you, so can't ignore you any more.

I am really looking forward to not having to go there twice a day for what seems like forever. The end is in sight for us. I have two or three people I'd actually like to see again and will do but the others I've stood next to for the past ten years day in day out, no still nothing there.

It shouldn't matter, should it? You walk in, drop off/pick up, and leg it. The thing is, if you're a stranger in a small town with young children, these might be the only adults you have a chance to talk to all day. It can be hugely dispiriting to find your efforts at being friendly being met with blank stares.

Oddly, now that my youngest is at secondary school, I find many of the ex-blankers greet me like a long-lost friend if I see them out and about.

Lock pretty much nailed it. I'd also add the type who appear socially adept, all cheery and sparkly when you've both got there early and exchange a few pleasantries, then literally turn their back on you as members of their gang turn up. I'm the last person to try and infiltrate an established gang, so would naturally back off anyway when my spider sense tells me I'm not welcome. But to be left awkwardly on the edge, looking like you're just there to try and butt in, is pretty humiliating.
< probably overthinking but just glad it's all in the past >

I am like this though. Some days I feel confident and happily chat others feel terrible, stressed, anxious and just want to get away and not catch anyone's eye!

I would just think you're not in it to make lifelong buds. Get in, get out and chat if you get chance.

And yes to the person who said 'not blanking, struggling'. I have bad bouts of anxiety and at those times the school run killed me!

My first experience was a small Midlands town where, from what I could work out all the mums had been at school together and saw no reason to ever speak to anyone they didn't know. I swear if I had dropped dead in the playground they would have stepped over me and carried on.

Faired a bit better at the next school. Though with dd3 I have concluded that even if I didn't work I would find the £6 a day for breakfast and after school club to avoid the whole thing!

to all you who say they're not blanking - just stressed, busy, anxious, got the shits - no, these are mums who are quite happily chatting, laughing and carrying on like normal people but in the next breath will look straight through you. every. day. i said hello with a smile to someone who completely blanked me, so rudely that the mum next to me audibly gasped! i kid you not! then we all had to stand there like lemons for another 5 mins waiting.

unless of course you've got something they want, or they want to find out what marks your kid is getting then you're their best friend.

i know it's hard to believe that adults would act that way, but they do unfortunately.

Why do people think others are "blanking" them? I think that's highly unlikely. Often I will say hello to someone on the school run and they completely ignore me, I usually assume they had something else on their mind or just didn't see me. They will often say hello and character another time. I don't think that's being hot and cold, I think it's just normal.
Sometimes people have had stressful mornings or something is on their mind and they don't want to stop and chat.

I'm an introvert and find it really hard to make friends, I just have fairly poor social skills and don't know how to move beyond just saying hi and a quick chat. There have been times I've been trying to keep track of two kids and have had very little sleep, sometimes someone says hi and I don't register it until they've already gone past then I feel guilty and hope they don't think I was "blanking" them.

I meant chat instead of character!

Trouble is for some of us it can be pretty much the only social interaction we have and it is a good place to make friends if you're lucky.

As a SAHM with older kids it's really hard to meet new people so the friends I made during the school pickup days are important, even it's just for a quick coffee at least it's socialising. I have younger DC at school now and finding it hard to break in to established social groups but I'm persevering.

It's dispiriting when you know that half a dozen mums have gone straight into town for a coffee but no ones asked you even if they know you're also going straight into town after drop off.

Every day I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to do the school gate any more. My children are 21 and 25

Most of my closest friends were those I met at the school gate. I'm pretty sure I didn't blank anyone but tended to gravitate towards those who were like me. I didn't really think of it as being cliquey but now I think about it DH used to talk about apartheid at the school gate when he dropped off!

Its pretty simple as far as I can see. Talk to the 2 that are friendly and seem straightforward and ignore the others. I really think trying too hard is counterproductive.

I used to think like this when my eldest started school. Now I'm on my 2nd I just stand next to whoever is nearest and chat to them whether they like it or not

We relocated 2 years ago, I HATE doing the school run at the new school (close knit village) they're so so soooooo cliquey, huge groups of Mums all huddled together gossiping and staring. They thrive on drama and gossip. (I know the area well, and this is what people seem to be like in general) They hang round for ages after the school bell goes.
I keep myself to myself.
The old school (large town) was a dream compared to this school, there were loads of chilled out Mums just dropping off and picking up with brief hello's etc. There were a few groups of Mums who knew each other from out side the school, but atmosphere was friendly.

I see no more need to make friends at the school gate than in the queue at Tesco. Of course I smile if I meet someone's eye, and if someone speaks to me, I am friendly. But I really don't care about the other parents and pretty much just ignore everyone.

I'd rather avoid those sorts of friendships where the only thing we have in common is the school.

I don't think this behaviour even limits itself to the school gate (I'm not a mum) I think that's just people in life generally TBH which is pretty sad.

Work colleagues, acquaintances etc. One day people are really chatty, the next ignore you if you say hello, I find it very bizarre behaviour!

I'm confused! When I'm in the playground I smile at people I know by sight, might chat to people I know a bit better but I don't acknowledge each and every individual if I don't know them. Am I meant to?