To think there is some weird school gate culture I am just learning about?

[Sweetpotatocurry]

I have a ds in nursery, and we just moved to Scotland in the summer. Ever since he started nursery I have noticed some kind of weirdness with some mums. I always do my best to be friendly and say hello, smile etc, even if my baby is screaming at drop-off etc, I am pretty friendly by nature anyhow, but am also conscious I might be seeing these ladies for many years to come, so of course I make an effort. A couple of mums are friendly and quite 'normal' but others blow really hot and cold...one day they are all chat, the next they don't even say hello. Some are very cliquey and ignore me if I say hi, and I know they see me, and very few will bother introducing me to others. I know everyone is busy and might be under pressure, but I asked an old friend and she said that this is typical of the nursery/school gate mums. My ds has been behaving well as far as I know, so don't think it is that. I haven't had the chance to offend anyone! I lived in London before this and most mums at nursery were fairly consistent (friendly or otherwise!) So is my friend right?

I've been invited to my first ever night out after 12 months in this school. It's a "party" where you have to "buy things" at a vastly inflated price so that the school mum friend sorry, I mean hostess gets her commission.

I used to live in Hull oh, so outing myself but I'm beyond caring and the people there were wonderful. I've made very very good friends as they don't stand for airs and graces and they've all got a wicked sense of humour.

I think the thing to also remember is that people lead busy lives and half the school gate experiences happen in the morning. A lot of people are not very good in the morning. Sometimes you have good mornings, sometimes very bad ones. Usually things have calmed down by the afternoon so if you are getting weirdness then fine but how often is it just in the morning? I'm sure I've blanked someone accidentally in an I-need-caffiene kind of way without realising it

Tatty

I used to be more stressed in the afternoon- both my DSs would come out of school in a foul mood (hunger/tiredness) and one of them had tantrums well into Y2.

Did not blank anyone though

I try to be friendly to everyone but I'm thankful I know people at the school gate (dsis and sil both have kids at the school attached to DS's nursery)

It can be very intimidating and I just don't get why people are so fucking mean.

Oh just thought of something else. If by some miracle I can remember the mum, I generally can't remember the name of their DC. So when they start asking or talking about DS I feel i should reciprocate, but can't so it gets a bit awkward.

Kate - have you throught about organising a night out yourself? I can see why you're annoyed by a sales party, but if you're keen for a social event - well it's just an email really to get it arranged.

Oh yes this is very common...no idea what it is about. I was blanked a few times by one particular woman in the first week of our new school (I normally smile or say hi to people we are walking with etc - refused to even look at me) and since then I ignore her, and she ignores me. She's clearly made her mind up about me and that's up to her.

There's also a little group of women who seem to have their own sort of quiche, and recently have started to stare very obviously at me and even point and laugh from time to time.

It's slightly unnerving but I genuinely feel that my life is none of their business so am normally able to ignore them, too.

It's so very childish and so peculiar...I have never even spoken to any of them, and their children are in different classes to mine, so God knows what it is all about.

Most people though are just normal, say hi, smile etc. I had some very good friends at our old school but perhaps that was unusual.

In short, OP, it happens everywhere, but often what you describe is accidental and once you find real connections with these people they will become much nicer to you.

Sorry Anastasie but I laughed at the women setting up their own quiche - do they do different flavours each week?

Sorry, it's just Mumsnet vernacular for clique

There's a lot of hot and cold ime, but maybe it's just where I live but there seem to be a lot of parents with a lot on their mind!

I don't take it personally at all. I know I am not always super smiley myself if I am stressed out.

I think you just have to brazen it out and not take it personally. Sometimes in the playground at drop off I feel sociable, other days I feel overwhelmed by all the people and noise and just get out as quick as I can.

Oh yes!!!! Welcome to the school gate , the stranges of social settings. I know that many mumsnetters have made friends for life though their dc's school and I have met some individuals who are nice and who I talk to about stuff.

However, since dc1's pre-school pick up and drop off, the school gate has both baffled and bewildered me. Antropsophist should study this group, there are such wonderful, intricate hierarchies. Our tiny school is run by mums la coda Nostra who have only the interest of their darlings at heart and will talk badly about any parent and any child who they disapprove of for whatever imagined reason.

It is very, very odd but I am not bothered anymore, I don't want to be part of something like that. It's a shame as I would like to fulfil my civic duty and help the school but I do it now I my own, less visible ways. Thank goodness I have some very good friends in my life so I don't rely on the school gate to socialise.

Crikey Anastasie that's a bit harsh, are you perhaps not wearing the correct 'school run dress'?

Yes I had wondered if it's my appearance or my parenting they have the biggest problem with...

haven't figured it out yet...

Well I think you sound very nice, and I would smile at you every morning. Well I would try, i might actually just roll my eyes at you and then leg it for the train, but I would mean it nicely.

LOL

Thank you for that. It's been one of those days, tbh, and you've cheered me up!

rookie - Yes, I have thought about it and even half-actioned it, but my procrastination has got the better of me.

I wish mumsnetHQ would develop an emocion for "blank" - the biscuit doesn't really do it for me. [glares] oooh look, Christmas has started: there's the santa emocion [santa]

Depends on the place you've moved into. If it's a place with high movement of people, they are more likely to be in fluid friendship groups. With more established villages after the initial hellos it takes ages be belong.

It took several years to feel that I would be acknowledged when I went to school.

Don't forget some mums will be on their second third or more child. Friendships take time. They perhaps have walked up from mums and tots to school etc.

Just develop a very cheery and loud Morning!!! When you see the clique I dint even look at them when I say it and I don't really care if they answer me but I imagine that some of them find it irritating and I don't it all the more.

Thankfully I am very rarely at the school gates now so don't have to deal with this weirdness

I'm feeling left out with all these discussions about playground politics. I get to school about 1 minute before the bell goes, just in time to drop kids off and run away to work. Most of the time I don't even get to make eye contact with other parents. I only ever talk to a couple of mums I meet when picking up from after school club - we actually get on well. I bet the other mums think I'm rude, unfriendly or standoffish.

I used to get really upset by exactly the behaviour you describe op. It took me a few years to learn not to give a shit. I can't wait for this school year to be over so my youngest can walk home from junior school with my eldest, and I don't have to bother with the playground ever again. BRING IT ON!

Order yourself Playground Mafia off amazon. It'll make you laugh and help you steel yourself for the future! It's fun. Also Status Anxiety by Alain de Boutain. Just be friendly but don't expect too much back.

Try being the older Dad at the school gates who drops off two mornings and picks up two. I've become very thick skinned, it's great character building stuff. Ex DP and I sometimes both go to stuff at DDs school and she makes a big show of how pally she is with everyone (despite the fact that unlike me, she never invites another parent or child over the threshold of her house). Best to just let it wash over you really. (We aren't in Scotland but I doubt it's to do with location anyway).

I've never understood this obsession with 'school gate' culture. Why should women with children be anything other that a representative sample of society as a whole? It's like talking about a supermarket queue culture or a bus stop culture - it's such a broad set of people that it's completely meaningless to talk about a culture. And frankly if you've chatted with someone once whether at the school gate or otherwise it's perfectly normal and not weird for them not to chat to you or even say hi everytime. I think people gettig worked up about this need to lower their expectations of random strangers.