To be upset by finding out my parents have more money than I thought

[JaceLancs]

Expecting to be flamed here.....
I recently found out my elderly parents have a fair bit of money in savings, well at least an awful lot more than I thought anyway, as they always say and act like they don't
They are getting more absent minded and managed to lock themselves out of their online banking plus other similar issues and asked me to help them sort it out, so it was hard not to see the details of their various accounts and investments
It's not that I expect them to give me any of it, just to be more aware that I am not in such a fortunate position and sometimes really struggle
Examples of things fairly recently - my very ancient car was off the road and I couldn't afford to get it repaired quickly, so had to hire a car for a few days, as transport is essential to my job, I kept the hire car for an extra couple of days to do a favour for them, as my DF couldn't drive due to a recent op - they never offered me anything toward cost and I assumed they couldn't afford it
They asked myself and also DD to take time off work recently to take them to health appointments (even a taxi would have been less than £10)
The worst however was that not very long ago they were very stressed about some pressing financial matters which needed dealing with in another country (DF country of birth) and couldn't fly due to health issues. I took over a week off work and drove 1000s of miles, being nursemaid, carer, general facilitator, marriage guidance counsellor on more than one occasion, and obviously chauffeur. On our return they presented me with a bill for £900 for my share of the costs, which I had to pay back in instalments - they obviously thought it was some kind of holiday for me!
I also recently asked to borrow a small sum of money from them for an urgent house repair, which they agreed somewhat begrudgingly, then withdrew the offer when the estimate was for more than I thought it might be - eventually I got a friend to 'bodge' temporarily as couldn't afford the proper repair and parents were nagging about when it would be fixed as it was holding up an arrangement for something else I had promised to do which was a favour to them (as although rather rundown I do have more space in my house than they do)
I've kept it vague - as I don't name change, and someone may recognise this

YANBU.

My parents - my df in particular - are incredibly mean. Dm less so. Df is in his late 80s; mum dm in her early 70s. They were well off as it was when my gm died and dm inherited close to seven figures five years ago.

Df doesn't know that dm gifts me a couple of grand every year - something to do with tax that if she does that she doesn't pay something? It's allowed us to redo our bathroom (sounds extravagant but it was falling Apart). She also helps towards paying for dd's expensive hobby.

At one stage she wanted to help with nursery fees which I refused but she said she wanted to help her grandchildren, not me!

Don't get me wrong, I don't want handouts, and they've every right to enjoy their later years free from financial worry. But if I hear them enthusing about their latest cruise upgrade while I get excited in staying in a one up from basic static in Devon I may scream.

Whilst I didn't imagine I would be alone in this one, am saddened for those who have had similar family situations
I treat my own children equally and always will
Some of it is cultural as well as generational - I am the only daughter, whilst my brothers are not given more, less is expected of them, and it feels like they are valued and respected more
Although I do know that at least one of my SIL has a massive problem with them and feels DB does too much for them at expense of her and their family
I will say something to siblings just not the actual amount, as that feels like I would break their confidentiality, as it was only me they gave access and passwords to their finance
The charitable giving is part of their religious belief system, and many years ago when they genuinely had little money themselves, they often went without to keep up with this

badders - yes twas ever thus with my mum, but it doesnt stop the hurt. Unless the will has been changed (wouldn't put it past DM and DB although she says not) my brother and I are joint executors and beneficiaries but I know I will do the bulk of work (work is a nasty word to DB!!).

I am just glad I found out about house deposit last year, as I am sure the shock would have been so much worse when she had died. I at least had opportunity to ask about secrecy, alhough more or less got told it was none of my business. Mmmm...but taking her out now she is house bound is?!!

Three - you've nailed it - it's the fact that their wish is not to help me - even when I've been in need - that's what hurts the most

I've never felt unloved or unwanted by them, just not their main priority, this showed in small things, and I resolved I would treat my own children differently

It didn't need to be a conscious decision for me, once I had children their needs came first.
Now they are adults themselves, and I help when and where I can, but this is often reciprocated in other ways

Yanbu, they seem egoistic and perhaps blind :o

Im Assuming that those saying "it's their money to do with what they wish" would be OK with giving one of their DC £££££ and the other nothing, then?
Because that is often what's happening in these situations.
I call it "golden child syndrome". Oddly it's often the child that lives furthsest away/visits the least/helps the least.
My Dh thinks I'm mad but my kids get the same, down to the last £.
I have a tricky relationship with my mother, not helps since my dad died. It's weird, really. I'm the one she does to with all her problems, yet I'm the last in the queue for help.
She has made me her POA which obv means she trusts me, just not enough to think I ever need support.
Sadly in our family the "golden child syndrome" is carrying on to the next generation....mum so obv favours my brothers child. Its quite fascinating in a way!

Kath...in your case I would be very hurt with my cousins too. How on earth did they come to know about it?
After dad died mum told me she wasn't going to tell my brother the extent of dads insurance policy.
So deep down she knows he is unreliable and only around foe the £.
Sad.

My FIL is very well off. When DH was made redundant and we were struggling a bit financially he never offered any assistance. DH asked for some help to pay for his DGCs extra curricular stuff as the fees for both DDs are quite steep and we didn't want them to stop the things they enjoy and work hard at. He sent a cheque for £50 in the post and asked if we could pay it back when possible.

badders - in the case of one cousin, mum told her he had asked again for money to buy a house (I was aware he had asked before and been turned down), then a couple of months later mum told her she had given it but I was never to know. The cousin did tell her this was a mistake and I would be so hurt if I did find out. My cousin did say 'I told you so' to mum when I found out and went NC for a while. Another male cousin (who has since died) was with this cousin when mum first discussed it.

The 2nd cousin was at mums when she was sorting out some paperwork (presumably bank statement) and saying 'I must hide this away so Kath never sees it'.

I dont blame my cousins, it was not their place to tell me and had been asked to keep a secret, they are both lovely ladies and so good to mum, and felt for me when I did find out. I also dont think they knew the full extent of the money given.

And yes "golden child syndrome" is carrying on to the next generation too ...but in our case it is my DS (the only grandson) who mum seems to favour, although not with money. She has been quite critical of my DD at times, but never DS, and some of the things she said about DN are beyond comprehension. My brother is always right snd his horrible daughter always wrong!

My cousin (who said I told you so to her) is a good few years older than me and said she could see the favouritism to my brother at a very early age and felt I never stood a chance with mum (although I never felt unloved etc). She is sure my mum finds other females hard to deal with, almost to the point of jealousy (she had 4 sisters which might explain this) hence her favouritism to my DB and DS.

But interestingly she does have a close relationship with the 2 female cousins who knew about the money. Perhaps as they are nieces rather than DD/DGD?

blimey.
It's all sorts of fucked up isn't it?

I was all ready to turn on my flamethrower until I got to the bit about the £900 bill! They are massive tightwads and tightwads are hard work. Now you know they have the resources to cover things like taxis etc I would withdraw your generosity with your time a bit. Firm but fair.

Badders
FWIW There is a golden child in my family and it ain't me.
When I was doing parental tax returns it was ultra ultra clear
HOWEVER
I cannot change the parent
so I had a chilled natter with the relevant sibling - who genuinely was unaware that they were the only one so favoured
they and I are now utterly in cahoots evening up where possible and it means there is no bitterness at all

it might be worth Jane chatting to her siblings as there may be a lot more to the story than she has been allowed to realise

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I think that there is a tendency for some older people to hoard all their money whether they need it or not. I suppose it makes them feel more secure. My MIL always implied she had no money, expected us to give her money to pay for this and that and never repaid us for thing that she had requested us to buy her from the shops. She had plenty of money in the bank but didn't seem to think she should spend it as it was her security. My grandmother was the same towards the end of her life.

I completely agree that people have a right to spend their resources as they wish and that no adult is entitled to anything from other adults. However, the way we spend our time, money, etc tells you a lot about what's important to them and it's fair enough to draw conclusions from that.

I was gojng to say YABU but after reading the financial contribution expectations they had of you for helping them out and offering to defray the costs or pay for them outright... i think YANBU. I would refuse to help if it's going to have significant cost to yourself.

I didn't find out how much money my parents had until after they had died and my siblings and I were left money in their will. It was a surprise that they had so much and a part of me felt quite resentful that during some really, really hard times - when £500 would have made a MASSIVE difference in my life - that they 200 times that amount in the bank. But I understand their history - both of them from very, very poor families, both of them living in situations where their parents were reckless with the small amounts of money they did have, both of them scared to death that they would be poor and destitute in their old age and have to go into a 'home' with no way to pay for any extras.

I meant not offering to defray or pay costs to you outright...

My mil is a bit like this, she can be very generous but it's totally arbitrary, mostly she's tighter than two coats of paint. It doesn't bother me so much but DH's brother really struggles financially and she could help him but chooses not to, he does a lot for her too, as does dh. I know for a fact she's sitting on about £150k in the bank but quibbles over 70p for a newspaper. Her own father was exactly the same so she's not going to change.