Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by finding out my parents have more money than I thought

119 replies

JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 21:57

Expecting to be flamed here.....
I recently found out my elderly parents have a fair bit of money in savings, well at least an awful lot more than I thought anyway, as they always say and act like they don't
They are getting more absent minded and managed to lock themselves out of their online banking plus other similar issues and asked me to help them sort it out, so it was hard not to see the details of their various accounts and investments
It's not that I expect them to give me any of it, just to be more aware that I am not in such a fortunate position and sometimes really struggle
Examples of things fairly recently - my very ancient car was off the road and I couldn't afford to get it repaired quickly, so had to hire a car for a few days, as transport is essential to my job, I kept the hire car for an extra couple of days to do a favour for them, as my DF couldn't drive due to a recent op - they never offered me anything toward cost and I assumed they couldn't afford it
They asked myself and also DD to take time off work recently to take them to health appointments (even a taxi would have been less than £10)
The worst however was that not very long ago they were very stressed about some pressing financial matters which needed dealing with in another country (DF country of birth) and couldn't fly due to health issues. I took over a week off work and drove 1000s of miles, being nursemaid, carer, general facilitator, marriage guidance counsellor on more than one occasion, and obviously chauffeur. On our return they presented me with a bill for £900 for my share of the costs, which I had to pay back in instalments - they obviously thought it was some kind of holiday for me!
I also recently asked to borrow a small sum of money from them for an urgent house repair, which they agreed somewhat begrudgingly, then withdrew the offer when the estimate was for more than I thought it might be - eventually I got a friend to 'bodge' temporarily as couldn't afford the proper repair and parents were nagging about when it would be fixed as it was holding up an arrangement for something else I had promised to do which was a favour to them (as although rather rundown I do have more space in my house than they do)
I've kept it vague - as I don't name change, and someone may recognise this

OP posts:
Original poster
JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 22:45

Firstly they are quite elderly - late 70's and late 80's
The £900 was because I insisted on own hotel room, and for my meals, drinks, coffees and a share of fuel, ferry etc
Whilst I was not happy I assumed they couldn't afford it and needed me to contribute
I have been a single parent for most of last 18 years, and am not that well paid as I work for a very worthwhile charity
It will not stop me helping them at all, I will just ensure that I protect myself financially, and ask them for money if what I am doing to help costs me money
I did recently suggest to them that an occasional taxi was probably not beyond their means (before I knew their financial position) they just asked one of my siblings instead
I am not expecting to be left anything - it is their money and hope it will help them buy care as and when they need it
I am just sad as I treat my own children very differently, and always will
Not sure whether I should tell my siblings even, as I only found out by accident

OP posts:
scarlets · 07/11/2015 22:45

I concur with what's been said. Don't do any more favours that involve losing money or annual leave. Your kindness is not being reciprocated, so stop being so charitable.

Youarentkiddingme · 07/11/2015 22:46

Another who thoughtnyounwere being harsh until you took time off work to do them a favour and they charged you for the 'privilege' Hmm

drspouse · 07/11/2015 22:47

My DM is not really aware of how much money she has/what things cost (well, she kind of is but she still thinks she hasn't got any money) and she tends to ask friends (we don't live close) to take her to early airport buses etc. rather than pay for a taxi. She's asked me to take odd things in suitcases that would fill up the case, to friends/family overseas who can order said thing online, ditto me bringing stuff back from overseas that costs exactly the same here. That's kind of what I mean by her not really understanding what things cost.

So I would definitely see her asking me to take her to hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi because she doesn't think she has £10 for a taxi.

However, she would never ask me to pay towards something I did as a favour to her. She has for example paid for my DB to bring the DNs to come and visit her (they are also overseas so costing a lot more than £10!) but has asked if she can pay a similar amount towards us travelling as a family.

She is a bit loopy in other ways but stingy with her own money, generous to others, I think it's fair to say.

insameboattoo · 07/11/2015 22:52

Perhaps you do need to mention it to your siblings. They are being mean imo. They don't appreciate you.

is it because you are single they take advantage., are your siblings less available?

Bambambini · 07/11/2015 22:56

I can't imagine ever treating my children like that. I have a very tight Father where his money is his God. It's very unattractive. Don't lose out financially in future now you know the score.

Original poster
JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 22:57

I also think part of the problem is they see me as the 'strong one' the one who always copes
I am not very good at asking for help myself - and think they are used to me managing
Which is why I was so upset when I asked for the house repair loan and it was withdrawn as it was the first time for at least 15 years I'd asked for anything - the amount was £500 - I also had £500 saved by selling stuff on eBay, but turned out the repairs needed were nearer £1500
My siblings are much better off than me, but aren't in a position to help out our parents as much for all sorts of reasons

OP posts:
Corygal · 07/11/2015 22:58

"It's their money to do as they like" - the MN mantra for all financial foul behaviour.

Where do the people who say this come from? I privately think if anything like this happened to them, we'd all hear the shrieks for months. Oh, and that they've probably got subsidised housing and banker husbands.

Back away, OP, and reduce the helping out from your time and pocket.

CFSsucks · 07/11/2015 23:00

YANBU. If I am in a position to when I am older, I would help my DCs.

Don't take any more time off work and if they charge you for anything, tell them no as you have done ore than enough helping out. They are tight as hell.

My MIL is a bit like this. She pleads poverty etc and she has 30k stashed away. We have struggled previously with things and she has never ever offered to help and it baffles me. I'd hate to think of my adult DCs struggling when I knew I could help.

Original poster
JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 23:00

I did tell my own children as was rather upset and had to offload on someone
DS 22 gave me a huge hug and said 'I'm so glad you are my Mum'
Which meant a lot

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/11/2015 23:06

YA so NBU op.

Personally, I don't understand why parents with loads of savings/investments etc don't help out/gift to their dc more. It seems mad to me, and I'm planning to help my dc out with first cars/first homes/general gifts as much as I can.

I know not everyone is like this - but even so, to bill the £900 is outrageous. As is not helping you out with the house repair just because it would be more than the estimate. Tightfisted would be my word too.

imwithspud · 07/11/2015 23:07

YANBU. The charging you £900 for doing them a favour is beyond ridiculous and they must have known full well that you were taking advantage of you.

Even my dn, who's in her 70's is very generous with money sometimes to generous. I take her shopping at least twice a week as she can't drive, she buys us lunch and I usually end up coming home with an item of clothing for the dc's/myself, bits of shopping paid for or money for petrol. I don't expect it and often try to refuse offers of money, but she insists. I do it because me and the dc's enjoy spending time with her but if she started charging me I think I would be offended. It's like your parents expect you to pay for the 'privilege' (in their eyes) of doing things for them? Very strange.

I mean of course it's their money to do as they wish with but it sounds like they're being greedy imo. Withdrawing the offer to lend you money was also mean, my dc's are only little but I could never treat them like that.

GoboTheGoat · 07/11/2015 23:09

My parents are similar OP.

I have struggled a lot in the past, and they sat back and let it happen, while they bought my brother new cars and paid his bills (and he still lives at home rent free, he is only a year younger than me).

The difference in my situation is that I have always known what they are like, even from my early teens, and while I do help them out in various ways, I never let myself get taken advantage of by them.

It must hurt very much to realise this now, after you have put yourself out for them in so many ways.

Essentially it isn't about the actual money, and more about their attitude towards you.

greenfolder · 07/11/2015 23:14

Yanbu. I was run ragged by my poor pensioner grandparents. When they died At age 93 and 89, they had £100000 in current account. Yes folks that one hundred thousand pounds. Yet they couldn't afford taxis.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/11/2015 23:19

You know, this has just reminded of my step-dad's parents - they were sweet, kind people - but very strange about money.

They lived a very, very unextravagant lifestyle, in a very run down house, would never accept help, but had amassed savings of £60K+. My stepdad asked them for a loan to buy a new car - literally to avoid paying extortionate interest on a car loan - he would pay them back. They got all jittery and refused. When they died, some years later, that 60K was still there - they would never spend it even though they lived in almost poverty stricken circumstances, in their final years. My stepdad got the £60K in inheritance.

It's just strange, to me. Like no situation was ever serious enough to dip into the savings.

ouryve · 07/11/2015 23:20

I can see how they have amassed so much in savings. They don't pay for anything!

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 07/11/2015 23:39

I just knew someone would roll out the word 'entitled' before too long! Well done that poster!

Ridiculous to argue that they worked for it so it's there's to do with as they please, as if that makes it ok. What it actually makes them is pretty mean considering the case in point where they expected their child to fork out £900 when in fact she was doing them a favour.

If I was well off in my old age I would love to share that with my children and grandchildren whilst I was still alive to see them benefit. If I was a selfish old bastard who sat on my bags of money then I wouldn't blame my family for thinking of me as a miserable and mean old Scrooge. Wouldn't make them entitled!!

Original poster
JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 23:41

Thank you for your nearly all supportive comments, glad you don't think IABU - surprisingly nearly unanimous
As I said I'm not expecting any handouts, just upset that things are not as I thought
It's hard to call them selfish, as it's more subtle, they just don't see things as from anywhere other than their own very narrow perspective, or maybe choose not to
They can be generous on occasions, especially in terms of charitable causes that they hold dear, and believe in giving a percentage of their income to those 'less fortunate' which obviously doesn't include me
I need to get better at shouting louder when I'm the one who needs help, but was brought up feeling my needs were not that valid

OP posts:
Original poster
JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 23:48

Strangely enough my grandparents were exact opposite, my lovely Grandpa actually used to say, ' I would much rather give you things now - whilst I can see you enjoying it, than leave you it when I'm gone'
They also helped out my parents financially quite a lot
When they died there was very little in savings, as they spent their income on comfortable living and by being generous to those around them, they did leave property to my parents though, which helped them in turn move up the property ladder considerably

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 07/11/2015 23:54

YANBU - they sound very selfish.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 08/11/2015 00:06

Bloody hell....theirs. I blame the Bacardi.

Corygal · 08/11/2015 00:14

OP, start practicing asking for help. I mean, really practice if nec in front of the mirror etc if it helps.

"they just don't see things as from anywhere other than their own very narrow perspective" = selfish. They might not change (too old) but that still doesn't mean they're ok.

ChilliAndBint · 08/11/2015 00:15

YANBU and charity begins at home.

Had to laugh at a previous comment about you having to " grow up" and take responsibility for your own finances. What do they think you have been doing for the last several decades?? As for you getting a second job, pmsl.

Obviously someone who have never been financially responsible for themselves.

Stop being available to taxi them and don't ask them for a single penny, go to CAB if you need advice about repairs etc.

A decent parent would willingly help their grown up child if they had the means to do so.

If they made you feel as if your needs don't count ,I if you haven't already repaid the £900, I would refuse to give them any money.

Original poster
JaceLancs · 08/11/2015 00:32

The £900 was repaid some while ago - it's just an illustration of how they have been/still are about money
If I'd have known about the tens of thousands in savings I might have said 'hang on a minute' but I genuinely believed they were in similar financial circumstances to myself - having to watch every penny, and whilst wishing they could've not asked me for as much because I was doing them a massive favour, felt maybe there wasn't an alternative
DM did suggest family rooms to save money, but my privacy is important to me and tbh I needed a break from them - believe me it was no holiday......

OP posts:
BlueJug · 08/11/2015 00:36

YANBU - similar situation here. I don't think it is done on purpose though - they just don't see it.