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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by finding out my parents have more money than I thought

119 replies

JaceLancs · 07/11/2015 21:57

Expecting to be flamed here.....
I recently found out my elderly parents have a fair bit of money in savings, well at least an awful lot more than I thought anyway, as they always say and act like they don't
They are getting more absent minded and managed to lock themselves out of their online banking plus other similar issues and asked me to help them sort it out, so it was hard not to see the details of their various accounts and investments
It's not that I expect them to give me any of it, just to be more aware that I am not in such a fortunate position and sometimes really struggle
Examples of things fairly recently - my very ancient car was off the road and I couldn't afford to get it repaired quickly, so had to hire a car for a few days, as transport is essential to my job, I kept the hire car for an extra couple of days to do a favour for them, as my DF couldn't drive due to a recent op - they never offered me anything toward cost and I assumed they couldn't afford it
They asked myself and also DD to take time off work recently to take them to health appointments (even a taxi would have been less than £10)
The worst however was that not very long ago they were very stressed about some pressing financial matters which needed dealing with in another country (DF country of birth) and couldn't fly due to health issues. I took over a week off work and drove 1000s of miles, being nursemaid, carer, general facilitator, marriage guidance counsellor on more than one occasion, and obviously chauffeur. On our return they presented me with a bill for £900 for my share of the costs, which I had to pay back in instalments - they obviously thought it was some kind of holiday for me!
I also recently asked to borrow a small sum of money from them for an urgent house repair, which they agreed somewhat begrudgingly, then withdrew the offer when the estimate was for more than I thought it might be - eventually I got a friend to 'bodge' temporarily as couldn't afford the proper repair and parents were nagging about when it would be fixed as it was holding up an arrangement for something else I had promised to do which was a favour to them (as although rather rundown I do have more space in my house than they do)
I've kept it vague - as I don't name change, and someone may recognise this

OP posts:

llhj · 07/11/2015 22:12

How much have they got stashed? Are we talking £10 k or £100k?

SirChenjin · 07/11/2015 22:13

Harsh sounds like a bored goady harpie.

ShelaghTurner · 07/11/2015 22:13

Oh look, here comes the voice of reason... Oh no sorry, it's just someone who's read a different OP to the rest of us. False alarm.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 07/11/2015 22:14

I think YANBU either. Just stop being so available to them and make them use some of their cash for taxis etc. Say you can't afford it sorry, least you can say that without any guilt now.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/11/2015 22:14

Next time they ask you to take a day off work to take them somewhere present them with a bill for lost wages and travel costs to be paid in advance. If they don't pay, don't do it.

They're cheeky buggers and need a taste of their own medicine.

HesSpartacus · 07/11/2015 22:15

Harsh - did you just read the title and then whip yourself into a tizzy, or did you actually read the whole post, where the parents are fully taking advantage of the OP and making her literally pay for her good nature and willingness to help them out?

ZoeTurtle · 07/11/2015 22:15

harshbuttrue1980 They need it for their retirement!!!

Not if they keep sponging off the OP, they don't. It's really not her who's being greedy and entitled.

AshleyWilkes · 07/11/2015 22:17

YANBU
Call me dopey but I don't get what the £900 was for exactly? Flights etc? But if you're taking time off work to do them a massive favour then how can they possibly expect you to pay for it all?!

They sound unbelievably mean and a little bit selfish, tbh.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 07/11/2015 22:18

Next time say 'oh go on, get a taxi, you can afford it and it will save me using my holiday up'

If asked to spend a week driving them to another country 'Its not a holiday for me but I'm happy to help if you foot all the costs of petrol/accommodation'

prettywhiteguitar · 07/11/2015 22:19

I had this when buying our last house, kept losing houses and it took so long we kept being priced out by 1-2k on each purchase, nothing we could do because we were moving for work. Dh's parents ended up lending us the money, they are comfortable but only cause they are frugal like crazy.
My mum spent 50k on a kitchen and bits on the house, my brother found out a couple years after, she kept it quiet at the time cause she didn't want to help, it really upset me that she would see us stressed for a year struggling, I was pregnant and she wouldn't help when it would have meant very little to her to do so.

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/11/2015 22:20

When ever they ask for you to sort things out for them let them know your going rate. Otherwise just state unfortunately you can't afford to do it.

MrsGradyOldLady · 07/11/2015 22:21

They sound really mean. I wouldn't be taking any more time of work for their appointments to be honest.

TalkinPeas · 07/11/2015 22:23

YANBU
It is their money to do with as they wish
but you should not subsidise them any more ....
in time or money

ValiantMouse · 07/11/2015 22:23

Its their money, and they presumably worked hard for it. If you want money, follow their example and work hard for it. They need it for their retirement!!! You are presumably young enough to get off your backside and make enough money to fix your own car - get a second job if need be, as many of us do. They probably hid the fact that they have money from you knowing of your greedy and entitled nature. Even if they have a million in the bank, they don't owe you a penny. You are a grown-up ffs!!!
Don't worry though, I'm sure they'll do you a favour and pop their clogs soon, and then you'll get what you think they owe you - although if they knew you were moaning on here, hopefully they'll leave it to charity instead.

Fuck off already.

Charging the OP money when she'd been helping them is tight-fisted, as is backing out of helping with repairs. Yes, it's their money but they sound very grabby!

Twinklestein · 07/11/2015 22:25

I'm gobsmacked that you didn't express your astonishment at being asked to pay for doing them an enormous favour.

Have they charged you for other favours?

You need to set some boundaries pronto.

grimbletart · 07/11/2015 22:25

Well, I'm elderly and I think YANBU. They sound horrifying. I couldn't imagine treating my adult children like that.

BrideOfWankenstein · 07/11/2015 22:26

I'd start billing them for every missed day at work, every ride, every shopping trip etc. Upfront. And if they won't pay, leave them to find another way.

ohtheholidays · 07/11/2015 22:31

Oh OP YANBU but they are.

I've had similar with my Dad,we lost my Mum just over a year ago and my Father kept on repeatedly about the cost of the funeral.They had life insurance which covered nearly all of the cost and my Mum had savings which paid nearly all that was left.

Yet my Father still goes on at me and my DH about what it cost,my parents have 3 children and myself and my DH were the only one's that helped out.We paid for the hall,all the food and drinks for the wake and paid for flowers from not only our family but from my brothers children as well as he couldn't afford to.

There's 7 of us and 3 of us are disabled so my DH has had to leave work to become my carer,my father knows all this yet were still always the one's that are expected to pay for anything that my Father doesn't want to pay for.

This year my Dad was really ill and in hospital and for him to be able to come home we had to buy some things for the house.We spent nearly £800 and once again we were the only one's that would step up and help out.My Dad has some money saved up but doesn't want to spend it.He has no dependants and we have 5DC.I don't know what the solution is but I do feel for you.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/11/2015 22:33

Can't believe they billed you £900 for helping them out. They sound like gits. YANBU

catfordbetty · 07/11/2015 22:33

You found out about their financial situation accidentally but you can't now 'unknow' it. I think I would be upfront in future about reminding them about that when they plead poverty. Whether they give you helping hand when times are tight will be up to their consciences. Personally, I would never stand by if a family member was struggling financially and I could help.

Allalonenow · 07/11/2015 22:34

YANBU
Now you know how they have managed to gather together so much in savings, it's by making you others pay out wherever possible. They sound quite manipulative, and are using emotional blackmail on you to get what they want.

I think it's dreadful that they charged you for your journey abroad which actually was to help them!

They are taking advantage of your kind nature, and to protect yourself you need to step back a little from them.
Don't be too available, be too busy to visit them. If they ask you for specific help, find out what the cost to you will be before you undertake it.

Most importantly, learn to say "No" to them.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 07/11/2015 22:36

At first I thought maybe they're worried about paying for care in later life, which might explain savings they wouldn't touch for anything else. But the more you said the more I think they're being tight. I can't believe they billed you for helping them out!

Ywbu to expect them to help you but yanbu to not put yourself out at your own expense for them anymore

Topseyt · 07/11/2015 22:37

Sod off Harsh.

There is all the difference in the world between working hard for something and being tightwads for the sake of it.

If someone took some of their precious annual leave and drove me around, even abroad, I wouldn't be billing them £900 for the privilege.

gasman · 07/11/2015 22:37

How old are they? My affluent elderly relatives can be really tight and like you we weren't really aware of the true extent of their assets until recently.

Now we do know my siblings and I (we share care) make them pay for stuff. They can't take the money with them and it is onky going to get taxed to buggery when they die.....even they now concede that at 93 they aren't going to live forever.

Rather cynically I niw have a credit card on the elderly person's account so I can spend their money directly as I'm worried that the old system of me buying stuff and getting reimbursed made it look like they were giving me a lot of cash gifts....and I'm buggered if I'm paying inheritance tax on their new curtains or computer.

Old habits die hard though - the person concerned still puts their full ISA allowance away each year despite our protestations that they should just spend the money on things that would enhance their life - a new TV, and cook ready meals spring to mind!

Inertia · 07/11/2015 22:40

I don't think you're being harsh at all. You've been happy to help out your parents at your own expense, but with each example you give it sounds more and more as though they view you as some kind of unpaid skivvy.

Did you actually pay back the £900?

Next time they ask a favour, just tell them that you can't afford to take unpaid leave from work, or that you can't afford the house repairs so can't do the storage favour for them, or that you can't afford to hire a car. I think they are failing to see that everything you do as a willing and free favour to them actually costs you time and money that you can't actually afford.

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