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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad about DC's godparents?

64 replies

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 16:43

We chose godparents for DD based on some of our closest friendships (also taking into account which of our friends were/n't religious). Of the three, one godparent is great. She is always keen to meet up every few months and to spend time with DD. One is to be honest a bit flaky - he has never remembered DD's birthday or anything and hasn't seen her since the day she was christened, 2 years ago.

The third godparent is the one I feel saddest about. She was one of my very closest friends and was a genuinely lovely person - we have been friends for almost 20 years, lived together, worked together later in life, etc. She has got me through some tough times. My friend was promoted at work (for a role I didn't apply for) and things instantly became extremely difficult between us both personally and professionally. In the end, I found it so difficult that I have now resigned. Perhaps it couldn't have been any other way once she had been promoted, but either way, the situation wasn't something over which I had any control or choice. This friend, to be fair to her, still sends DD a birthday present etc and has seen her once since DD was christened but doesn't generally try to arrange to meet up to spend time with DD or anything. I can only assume that she felt it wasn't possible to maintain a friendship once she had been promoted above me at work. I am very upset about the whole thing but ultimately I have to accept that I may have been a bit daft and over-invested in this friendship and that clearly I thought we were better friends than she did.

AIBU to wish that I have foreseen this? DD is the most precious thing in the world to me and I wanted to put in place a team to protect her through life, who would always have her back in a confusing world. Instead, I feel I have asked people to play a role in her life who don't know her and don't look likely to be spending a great deal of time with her in the foreseeable future to get to know her. I genuinely did put a lot of thought into it at the time but now I feel like a spectacularly crap parent for having messed it up so soon off the starting blocks.

I will admit that of my and DH's godchildren, we spend varying amounts of time with them, but we would definitely try to see them at least a couple of times a year. I don't know if I'm over-romanticising this idea of godparents and whether my hopes of a longer term relationship are unreasonable?

OP posts:

Groovee · 07/11/2015 16:44

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

We didn't see DS's godparents for 6 years.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/11/2015 16:53

YANBU to be sad, but I think this is often the way it works out, unfortunately. One set of DD's Godparents chose the Christmas after XH had left (after a lot of very bad behaviour on his part) to cut contact/presents etc. Seemed very bad timing, as they knew when he had left, and it was within about 6 weeks. Less saddened by what they did, more that they chose that time, which was particularly difficult for her. So yes, I do get what you're saying.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 07/11/2015 16:55

I was made godparent in my early 20s by a person who chose godparents in quite a flaky way. We drifted apart (cemented by the fact that she was an hour and a half late to my wedding when her 4 yo daughter was walking me down the aisle - she had a history of being late everywhere and I told her to turn up an hour early, she ignored me) and I regret that the children are now lacking a godparent. However I have no doubt that she's now picked someone else to take my place (as I was picked to take someone else's place).

Things happen, people aren't always friends forever. Sadly your kids will never be as important to them as their own - that sounds harsh, but it's usually true.

Leelu6 · 07/11/2015 16:57

As Groovee says, hindsight is wonderful. Don't beat yourself up about it. They should not have accepted the honour if they weren't going to take it seriously.

I would have thought family would be the best choice for godparents (but I'm not Christian).

I have friends that I love but I just can't feel that same attachment to their kids that I do for my own nieces/nephews. And they have their own aunties.

Is it too late to choose new godparents?

Unescorted · 07/11/2015 17:02

I have no idea who my god patents are. I don't feel as if I have missed out on a protective team.

As we aren't religious we haven't got god patents for our dc. They do have non related adults in their lives but they are of their own choosing and change as their support needs change.

Original poster

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 20:00

That makes me feel a bit better - thank you all. DD does have plenty of involved and loving adults around her. It just makes me sad that one day she will presumably ask me who her godparents are and it seems increasingly likely that at least some of them will be people who have had no active involvement in her life. The completely irrational, pfb part of me wants to huff in indignation at their failure to appreciate what an honour it was to be asked in the first place but obviously I wouldn't say that in RL :)

OP posts:

Notagainmun · 07/11/2015 20:21

My DC's grandparents are mine and DH siblings. More chance of them sticking around.

PedantPending · 07/11/2015 20:24

What exactly are you expecting from a godparent?

Supermanspants · 07/11/2015 20:24

YABU
The whole concept of godparents is a bit ridiculous.
Some people agree to be GodP's because they do not want to cause offence by refusing.

Original poster

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 20:28

I suppose, another involved adult, to offer another pair of adult ears apart from those of DH and I. A bit of guidance/experience. Just someone else looking out for her in the world. I don't expect them to come and read bedtime stories once a week or anything, honestly.

OP posts:

PastaLaFeasta · 07/11/2015 20:30

One of DD2's godparents hasn't seen her since the baptism two and a half years ago, I've seen her once since and had to write a letter to get any response as texts and emails went ignored. We had met up regularly before that.

One of DD1's we fell out with as his wife was a bloody nightmare, DH was a godparent for their kids too.

The other is so good I made her godparent to both. The others are both relatives so a safer bet for keeping in touch regardless of fallouts or changes in life. So yes it's normal sadly.

ClaireSW32 · 07/11/2015 20:32

I honestly don't think most people these days see being a godparent as an ongoing role. I think most see it as an honour at the christening with very little follow up responsibility. Certainly that's my experience of it, watching friends and family. The only exception being my evangelical, Christian Church going friends who take it more seriously.

I understand why you're disappointed, did you discuss your expectations and hopes of a godparent with them before you asked them?

xalyssx · 07/11/2015 20:34

DS1's godparents that were chosen by his dad are not in contact any more, but we're lucky that his other ones, and DS2's godparents, at least do something.

HackerFucker22 · 07/11/2015 20:37

Why has this promotion has such a detrimental effect on your friendship? Why have you had to resign?

Am I missing something here?

Sounds to me like the problem is actually you? Are you jealous of your friend's promotion? Is she now your direct manager?

Lightbulbon · 07/11/2015 20:49

I think you're taking the whole thing far too literally.

It'd be like thinking bridesmaids are actual maids!!

Livvylongpants · 07/11/2015 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 07/11/2015 20:56

YANBU to be a bit sad, but remember your DD has one good godparent and lots of other involved and loving adults.

Two of my own godparents didn't show up to my Christening! Luckily my third godparent has been a supportive and loving person in my life.

llhj · 07/11/2015 20:56

What's the deal with you having to resign? Don't get it?

wigglesrock · 07/11/2015 20:57

I think you're overthinking it too. Most people I know don't see their godparents that regularly unless they are family members. Both of my godparents were dead by the time I was 25. My youngest daughters godfather died when she was a toddler. My eldest daughters godfather emigrated - she sees him every few years. I certainly don't feel that I or my kids are lacking a team protecting them or having their back. That's what they pick their own friends for.

I understand you feeling sad that you've lost your own friendship but Id separate that from the romanticised idea of a godparent.

Original poster

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 21:02

No, Hacker, she's not and no, I'm genuinely not - I deliberately didn't apply for it because when it was advertised, I was in the middle of requesting that I be allowed to work part time and it was a full time role. God only knows, I was barely holding things together with childcare and was desperately trying to downscale - the last thing I wanted was more responsibility at that point.

I genuinely have no idea why things unravelled the way they did - that's part of the problem - but it became clear that we had different views on our friendship going forward. After so many years, it was very upsetting and I thought it was best I looked for a new job to get out of that environment.

OP posts:

DrasticAction · 07/11/2015 21:06

Op this is sooo common dont worry about it.

I have no idea who my godmother is! I barely knew her, she was mums work friends, I know my sister saw her godmother a few times before she moved to portugal...and never saw her again, my godfather is useless never see him....

and my dc the two women were utterly useless for dd1, the man has been great, and the other one the godparents are lovley so far.

lower your expectations. its life unfortunalty. your dc will have family and other friends as their little team!

Willow33 · 07/11/2015 21:07

Yanbu. I always send Christmas and birthday presents to my godson but he lives 3 hrs away and I don't get to see him much as I have two small dc myself. I keep in touch with his dad who is my friend and he lets me know how my godson is doing.
As for my own dc' s godparents, I invite them over a lot but they don't live top far away.

BusShelter · 07/11/2015 21:08

I think you are overthinking it too. Your DD doesn't need anyone else to support her through life unless something happens to you and your DH and even then I expect parents or siblings would step in.

I think the godparent role should be just about the religious stuff. Is it really expected that godparents send birthday presents? That seems a bit tacky to me.

I don't have godparents and my DC don't either.

TeddTess · 07/11/2015 21:10

how old is she? it is hard for adults to form a relationship with children below the age of about 7 i think.

i have one adult friend who talks about their godmother. not one other. it isn't that common so don't feel bad. mine are one of my aunties and an uncle. i am not sure the uncle even knows he is my godfather. i mentioned it at my wedding and he looked at me a bit blankly.

thegiddylimit · 07/11/2015 21:14

You seem to have a very romanticised idea of a godparent. I've not got Godparents (in Scotland they aren't common) and never felt the loss of one. Do you have Godparents? What have they done for you?

I can see you are upset about your friendship ending but that's the way of life. I don't live anywhere near any of my childhood or university friends and rarely if ever see them. We see family or people in the town we live now. Friendships change as people change, it can sometimes be a shame but is it really better to hold onto old friends that you no longer have much in common with?

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