To be sad about DC's godparents?

[Probablyunreasonable]

We chose godparents for DD based on some of our closest friendships (also taking into account which of our friends were/n't religious). Of the three, one godparent is great. She is always keen to meet up every few months and to spend time with DD. One is to be honest a bit flaky - he has never remembered DD's birthday or anything and hasn't seen her since the day she was christened, 2 years ago.

The third godparent is the one I feel saddest about. She was one of my very closest friends and was a genuinely lovely person - we have been friends for almost 20 years, lived together, worked together later in life, etc. She has got me through some tough times. My friend was promoted at work (for a role I didn't apply for) and things instantly became extremely difficult between us both personally and professionally. In the end, I found it so difficult that I have now resigned. Perhaps it couldn't have been any other way once she had been promoted, but either way, the situation wasn't something over which I had any control or choice. This friend, to be fair to her, still sends DD a birthday present etc and has seen her once since DD was christened but doesn't generally try to arrange to meet up to spend time with DD or anything. I can only assume that she felt it wasn't possible to maintain a friendship once she had been promoted above me at work. I am very upset about the whole thing but ultimately I have to accept that I may have been a bit daft and over-invested in this friendship and that clearly I thought we were better friends than she did.

AIBU to wish that I have foreseen this? DD is the most precious thing in the world to me and I wanted to put in place a team to protect her through life, who would always have her back in a confusing world. Instead, I feel I have asked people to play a role in her life who don't know her and don't look likely to be spending a great deal of time with her in the foreseeable future to get to know her. I genuinely did put a lot of thought into it at the time but now I feel like a spectacularly crap parent for having messed it up so soon off the starting blocks.

I will admit that of my and DH's godchildren, we spend varying amounts of time with them, but we would definitely try to see them at least a couple of times a year. I don't know if I'm over-romanticising this idea of godparents and whether my hopes of a longer term relationship are unreasonable?

I find the concept of godparents rather strange. DH is godparent to our eldest nephew (my brother's son; they have another son who is a bit younger).

DH wanted to get a small gift for his godson - a kind of "saw this and I thought of you" type thing a few years ago. However, he struggled with the idea of getting something for his godson and not his other nephew.

I remember asking on mn what to do and the consensus was that being an uncle trumps being a godparent and he shouldn't treat one nephew differently to the other.

Kind of made me think, what is the point of him being godparent then.

Adult friends/family with godparents tend to have a very loose (if any) relationship with them.

If a friend or family member strikes up a special relationship with your child then that is lovely, but it's the sort of thing that can't be forced imo.

Well, of course it is true that there are more details but I would prefer not to go into them if that's ok. I am trying very hard to describe what happened in as neutral a way as I can and if I start on the details, I am afraid I might end up a snivelling mess. I also don't think it's relevant to the original AIBU. Thank you very much everyone who has commented - I feel much less uncomfortable about the whole thing now.

I think yanbu to be sad about losing friendships - but quite U about the rest. People move on, unfortunately. It may have been less of an 'honor' for them ans more of an obligation to a friend. You are being a bit PFB to think your daughter needs a 'team' around her, or will be worried about lack of gp - most people manage fine without them. She will develope relationships naturally through her life, there's no need to place expectations on people just because they hold a title that really doesn't mean anything these days.

It sounds like a similar situation I had at work. Me and my friend both at the same level. I went for a promotion that she didn't want but when I got it she took everything I did in my new role personally. She became off with me and she struggled to see me as 'above' her even though I tried to be as sensitive as possible.

Maybe I've missed it but are you religious/a regular church goer? If not then I would find it hard to take the godparent role seriously and instead just see it as an honour at the time.

As far as I can see she's doing the right thing as a godmother, sending presents and maintaining an albeit distant relationship. It's hard to expect more when your DD is that young, and anyway I think that as the parent it is for you to facilitate the relationship between her and your DD - she can't exactly call your DD up and ask her to do something. And have you made clear what you hoped the godmother/goddaughter relationship would look like?

However, even if she is a disappointing godmother, why you think this means that she doesn't want a friendship with you? Your friendship with her is a totally separate question. It's hard to tell which one of you let that slide. I don't understand why the promotion should make a difference but it clearly weighs heavily on your mind (are you sure she attaches the same significance to your job titles?). I think that if you want to rekindle the friendship you should just call her up, tell her you miss her company, and ask her to do something with you. Try not to dwell on the godmother thing if it's driving a wedge between you - the answers on this thread show that people do godparenting in vastly different ways.

Yanbu to be sad at the shift in friendships which you'd hoped would last a lifetime - of course not. But you'll find as your dd gets older she'll start forging her own relationships with your friends etc.

I was never christened and so obviously don't have godparents, but there is still a team of 'adults' (I'm mid 20s but you know what i mean!) around me who have my back! They don't need an official role, but they took my side and persuaded my parents to lighten up in my teen years, occasionally sent me bottles of vodka at uni, supported me during my mother's cancer treatment, insist on meeting boyfriends etc etc. Those relationships are all the more special because they developed organically.

You haven't screwed up, you made choices appropriate to a specific time in your life, and now things have moved on. Of course that's sad, but leave some room and things might turn out even better than you hoped :).

Sorry I missed your post about why you left work. So more or less your friend felt she had to tell you off or discipline you in some way at work and you left work because of it? To be honest, that is something that both of you would have had to work very hard to maintain the friendship over. Have you made an effort to patch things up? She probably felt awful in that situation and your leaving will have come across as distancing yourself in the friendship as well as work if it hasn't been fully discussed. In those circumstances it's not surprising that she's not over at your house playing with DD every weekend. Again, I think that if you want to maintain the friendship, you'll have to reach out and be prepared to admit that some of the fault for letting the friendship slide lies with you as well as her.

Not all people find their friends children interesting even if they are meant too

It's not about not caring it's just they are not theirs new parents have very little else to talk about and it sound a little over indulgent what you expect from them

Theycallme, that's an interesting perspective which I maybe need to acknowledge and take on board. If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I am pretty weary of being the one solely required to "suck it up" when the change wasn't something over which I had any choice. (Although it wasn't a disciplinary incident, I should point out - thank goodness! :) ) That said, I should probably also acknowledge to myself that when DD was born, I may also have (inadvertently, obviously) unilaterally changed the terms of a number of my friendships. It's true that since DD's arrival, I haven't been to bars or plays or festivals with my female friends in the way that we used to. When DH is away and I have no babysitter, I have to ask if they'll come to me. I guess I can't mentally berate someone for behaviour which when I think about it, I may be guilty of myself. Just because your behaviour can be justified, doesn't mean you're not responsible for it, I guess. Thanks for the perspective. I will try again to build some bridges.

I think it worked in days gone by where there were closer communities and a lot more involvement of the the church and the community - nowadays with more transient friendships and more distance in families let alone friendships and people generally move away a lot more I think it is less likely to be a lifelong relationship.

We chose family as god parents for this reason, they are much more likely NOT to drift away. I'm lucky to have a very large extended family so chose people like my aunts and cousins who are a step removed from the DC's aunts and uncles but still tied by blood!

I did this because of an experience my parents had with my godparents, they drifted apart from very close friends due to fertility issues and my mum wished she had chosen family.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. I last saw my godparent when I was 4 years old and haven't heard from her since and don't know if she's even alive. People move away or friendships fade.
Having said that I would love to be a godparent and know I would be a good one but even though there are loads of children amongst my friends, siblings and in laws, I've never been asked although severla of them are godparents to each others dc

I think this is extremely normal for god-parents, in all honesty: I had one bloody awful one and one good one (who later vanished) and my father's cousin, who thinks she is my god-mother but in fact stood in for the bloody awful one who didn't come to the christening. My brothers each have an aunt and an uncle, plus other god-parents: the elder one has one who is now dead and the other turned out to be a barmy fantasist; the younger had a woman in the village who ended up feuding with my mother after a few years, so probably has had nothing to do with him for 25 years or so. His other god-mother is excellent though - so apiece, we ended up more or less with one good one. That's common from friends' experience as well. (NB as we are all adult now, it doesn't matter: though none of them would have been our legal guardians had our parents both died)

I have one god-daughter - who became a Christian as an adult - and I see her two or three times a year for a long weekend: we both have busy jobs, and live far apart. I have two god-sons, both of whom are overseas, and I see them when I'm in their countries (they both live in places that it's not easy for citizens to get visas to the UK): I send letters, gifts and things like that, but they are both still quite young. I am certain their mothers chose me mainly to have options for their children if they die - I would do what I could to bring them to live with me in the UK, of course, if that was what the boys wanted - but also so that they have someone outside of their own culture "on their side". I think if you discussed this with the god-parents beforehand, then it's right that you are feeling let down: if you didn't, though, YABU.

Oh, just as an addition: my parents deliberately didn't chose family as my god-parents, because family are more likely always to be around - they wanted an additional layer of adult support. For this reason, though my youngest brother is considerably younger than me, I am also not his god-mother - because I would always be there anyway. My brothers got the uncle and aunt because the aunt kicked up a fuss and my GP guilted my DM into it... (Then her husband had to have the other one, to "be fair")

FWIW though, we are all, even now, church-going Anglicans (family members) as were (at the time) all our non-family god-parents, except youngest brother, whose excellent god-mother is Church Army. It was a religious commitment, as is my relationship with my own god-children, as much as an emotional one.