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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad about DC's godparents?

64 replies

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 16:43

We chose godparents for DD based on some of our closest friendships (also taking into account which of our friends were/n't religious). Of the three, one godparent is great. She is always keen to meet up every few months and to spend time with DD. One is to be honest a bit flaky - he has never remembered DD's birthday or anything and hasn't seen her since the day she was christened, 2 years ago.

The third godparent is the one I feel saddest about. She was one of my very closest friends and was a genuinely lovely person - we have been friends for almost 20 years, lived together, worked together later in life, etc. She has got me through some tough times. My friend was promoted at work (for a role I didn't apply for) and things instantly became extremely difficult between us both personally and professionally. In the end, I found it so difficult that I have now resigned. Perhaps it couldn't have been any other way once she had been promoted, but either way, the situation wasn't something over which I had any control or choice. This friend, to be fair to her, still sends DD a birthday present etc and has seen her once since DD was christened but doesn't generally try to arrange to meet up to spend time with DD or anything. I can only assume that she felt it wasn't possible to maintain a friendship once she had been promoted above me at work. I am very upset about the whole thing but ultimately I have to accept that I may have been a bit daft and over-invested in this friendship and that clearly I thought we were better friends than she did.

AIBU to wish that I have foreseen this? DD is the most precious thing in the world to me and I wanted to put in place a team to protect her through life, who would always have her back in a confusing world. Instead, I feel I have asked people to play a role in her life who don't know her and don't look likely to be spending a great deal of time with her in the foreseeable future to get to know her. I genuinely did put a lot of thought into it at the time but now I feel like a spectacularly crap parent for having messed it up so soon off the starting blocks.

I will admit that of my and DH's godchildren, we spend varying amounts of time with them, but we would definitely try to see them at least a couple of times a year. I don't know if I'm over-romanticising this idea of godparents and whether my hopes of a longer term relationship are unreasonable?

OP posts:

imwithspud · 07/11/2015 21:16

Our dc's don't have god parents, but I think this sort of thing is quite common. I don't even know who my god parents are!

I understand it can be upsetting when people you rely on let you down but these days especially I don't think the god parent role is really as prevalent or taken as seriously as it once was which is a shame in a way.

murmuration · 07/11/2015 21:25

I think the thing is just to make sure your kids know who your friends are. If the first two are still friends, I don't see a problem.

I had a godmother and godfather, and knew who they were. We maybe saw my godmother once every few years in my childhood (mostly because they lived somewhat near my grandmother and could be a side-trip on a visit there) and I might have seen my godfather twice. I don't remember birthday presents at all from them. But, because I knew they were trusted friends of my parents, when I had was hospitalised for depression in my 20s and couldn't face my parents, I contacted my godfather (physician, so I figured he would know about such things) to act as a go-between for us. More recently when my mother was having a psychotic episode and wasn't making sense, and it seemed possibly that my father had died (he hadn't), and I couldn't reach my Dad, yet they live across the ocean so I couldn't do much. I was able to get my godmother on phone and she was able to check up on them and get back to me the next day.

GloriaHotcakes · 07/11/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HirplesWithHaggis · 07/11/2015 21:31

My godmother fucked off to Australia within months of the ceremony. I next saw her 50 + years later, at my uncle's funeral. Mum was surprised our chat was somewhat stilted...

llhj · 07/11/2015 21:38

Well it is sad. My children's godparents are devoted. I adore my godchildren too and always remember their Christmas and birthday pressies. I don't always see one of them a huge amount as they're abroad but feel that the responsibility lies with me to maintain the connection. He's a top lad of 12 now and I am enormously fond of him. It's a huge honour to be asked and can be a wonderfully special relationship. I hope it doesn't disappear.

IonaNE · 07/11/2015 21:46

The role of godparents is to give support specifically in growing into the Christian faith. This is promised publicly by the godparent(s) at the christening. This duty is for life. Anything else (e.g. presents) are irrelevant.

llhj · 07/11/2015 21:58

I don't think it is irrelevant actually. In the same way, giving presents to all the people we love and have created a relationship with, is not necessary. It is a symbol of affection etc. I think it's pretty poor form to forget a god child's birthday. It's not a Christian way to behave at all.

Me624 · 07/11/2015 22:04

My own godparents were friends of my parents. Two of them (a couple) moved to Scotland when I was about 3 and did not stay in touch beyond sending Christmas cards to my parents. I would not recognise them if I passed them in the street. The other I did see periodically and she sent me birthday cards and presents when I was younger. Although we are not close she came to my wedding and other significant occasions in my life.

I am now expecting dc1 and we have begun to think about godparents. DH is godfather to his niece and nephew and thinks we should choose family. Despite my own experience with two of mine being non-existent, I think we should choose friends. Yes it might not work out and friendships change and drift apart. But I think choosing siblings makes the role more or less redundant. DH is his niece and nephew's uncle - he has no separate godparent relationship with them. So I think why not have friends, if they do not end up being a significant figure in the DC's life then no great loss, if they do then great.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 07/11/2015 22:28

I don't have godparents.

WiIdfire · 07/11/2015 22:50

I've never understood why people have siblings as godparents. Surely they are involved as aunt or uncle anyway, with input/advice/presents whether they are godparents or not.
I have three godparents, and although I dont see them often, my parents keep me up to date with their lives and I know I could approach them (except the one with dementia!) in times of dire need - fortunately not needed to.

However, I could also do the same with my parents other friends, so is the godparent title really necessary?
Im not religious, so havent picked any for my son, I would hope my friends will be involved in his life if they wish to be.

OneMillionScovilles · 07/11/2015 22:54

...one day she will presumably ask me who her godparents are

Seriously OP? I don't really understand this (but then again I don't come from any sort of religious background, was never christened etc., so of course ymmv if you're raising your DC in a devout household.)

Just seems like a non-issue to me - not something you have to prepare a script for a la "who's my dad?"

PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2015 23:01

OP, you might have had it in your mind that you were putting a top team together to be there every step of the way for your DD, but I don't think most people see the role as anything other than a bit of an honorary title that means - well - bugger all.

ConsciousPilot · 07/11/2015 23:02

Since when is forgetfulness unChristian?

OP, I would be more concerned that I engineered the downfall of a very special friendship than the flakiness of said GPS. What kind of message does that send to your daughter?

Original poster

Probablyunreasonable · 07/11/2015 23:38

Apologies, Conscious Pilot, if my posts caused any confusion, but I'm been the one who wanted the friendship to continue as before. After a while, you can't carry on and on suggesting girls' weekends away to catch up etc if the other person just doesn't want to go. I am very sad that she doesn't want to but I can't force her...

OP posts:

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 07/11/2015 23:40

I have no siblings (my brother died) and DH's sister lives abroad and has no interest in us or our children so we chose friends as godparents. So far we still see them regularly as they're our closest friends and therefore we socialise with them. I hope this will continue going forward (DD1's godmother has been my best friend for 30 years and we're 31 now!), but you never know. YANBU to be sad about it, but I guess it's pretty common.

ConsciousPilot · 08/11/2015 00:24

But why did you resign?

AnUtterIdiot · 08/11/2015 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyHonoriaDedlock · 08/11/2015 00:54

I agree it's sad. My dh was made godfather to a distant relative's child when he was 18 and has had very little involvement. We have no godparents for our dc but have appointed legal guardians in our wills.

MintChocAddict · 08/11/2015 00:57

Most of my social circle who chose to christen their children chose a combination of siblings and close friends as godparents. These were people who would probably have played a role in their children's lives whether they had been christened or not.

I'm not remotely religious so didn't christen mine. And I'm not christened either. I don't have any concerns about not having a 'team' of people around my DCS at all. It really hasn't had any impact on my life growing up and it wouldn't have occurred to me to query godparent involvement. I see it as more a symbolic thing TBH as many of the christening I've attended have involved people who wanted the christening but don't regularly attend church. Maybe it means more if you're very religious. Are you particularly religious?

Would be interested to know what percentage of godparents spend extra time/ have a particularly strong relationship with their godchildren outside of the normal extended family/friends relationships that they have with any children in their circle.

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/11/2015 01:14

To be honest I think godparents who remain close to parents and their godchildren are rare.

I have 3 godparents. I haven't seen one of them since my christening as she moved abroad shortly afterwards and I haven't seen another since I was about 12 (prior to that I saw him maybe once a year at most). The only godparent I'm still in touch with is my parent's sister and I don't think our relationship is any closer than my sibling's relationship with her.

My parents have also lost touch with several of my sibling's godparents and many more have moved to opposite ends of the country so that contact is very rare.

I haven't even given my DC godparents. Some of my friends are very close to my DC and I hope will remain to be into their futures but I don't know that a label would have made anyone any more or less so than they already are.

I am godmother to one of my friend's DD but I make just as much effort to remember birthdays and Christmas of all the DC in my friend group regardless of whether I have that label to be honest.

PegsPigs · 08/11/2015 01:34

Leelu6 yes you'd think family would be less flaky. Nope. My DB is DD1's godfather. Has never made the effort to see her apart from the semi regular family get togethers we have (parents and us siblings all live within an hour of each other) And in fact when asked to look after her for 90 minutes when DD2 was born so we could have a medical condition diagnosis without DD1 running around (2.5 at the time) he said no. He said he didn't know how to look after her on his own (he has a 2 year old himself so he knows how to look after kids generally) because he didn't know her that well Seriously. His own niece and god daughter. And he didn't have her as his flower girl when he got married and she was 18 months old.

My best friend is DD1s godmother and comes round once a month to see her/me. DD1 loves her and is always excited to see her and invites her to join in whatever activity she's doing when she arrives (a big sign she welcomes her).

So turns out family can be a shite choice too. I wasn't asked to be his DCs godmother. OP hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don't beat yourself up.

chrome100 · 08/11/2015 07:09

Whilst I agree that the more adults involved in a child's life the better, I don't necessarily see the need to select them and formalise them at birth.

Surely as the child grows, he/she will naturally develop closer relationships with some of the adults in their lives than others, due to who they get on with, who lives close, who sees them often etc.

I think it's far better to encourage these natural relationships than to bestow an honour on someone who may or may not be around in later years.

Original poster

Probablyunreasonable · 08/11/2015 07:27

Conscious Pilot, I'm not sure why that's relevant to the OP? If it's really essential to know, things were brought to a head when my friend did something which she felt was consistent with her new role but was, I felt, inconsistent with our friendship continuing as it had before. It would have been upsetting if it had come from anyone at work but it really hurt from a close friend. I'm not going into the rights or wrongs of it - it just became clear to me that this might be an ongoing problem and it wasn't a nice environment, just waiting for it to happen again. Perhaps inevitably, her job now took precedence over our friendship and it was possible that she would have to do things from time to time which were personally hurtful. My own view was that I would much rather take this from a stranger rather than someone I considered to be a close friend. I'm not saying whether her stance was right or wrong. It was just that those competing demands made things very difficult between us and I chose to take myself out of what had become a rather tense situation.

OP posts:

Natkingcole9 · 08/11/2015 07:33

YANU
People are busy, have lives and jobs etc. People also like to be invited to meet up instead of announcing it on someone with a young child. I don't understand why you quit your job? Seems like there is more to this.

Natkingcole9 · 08/11/2015 07:33

Sorry stupid iPhone YABU **

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