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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you still have to do your 12yr old DD's hair?

66 replies

Bladders73 · 06/11/2015 08:15

This is currently a bone of contention in our house. 12yr old DD has lovely mid back length hair which is very thick. It gets knotty very easily and needs brushing regularly throughout the day to avoid cobs and tangles etc.

She just doesn't take care of it at all. She needs to plait her hair in a loose braid at night to avoid waking up like a scarecrow and having knots all underneath at the back but she says she can't do it. Likewise if it needs to go up for PE I have to do it as she 'can't'.

I have told her that unless she starts brushing it regularly I'll ask the hairdresser to cut it but she will not hear of cutting it at all to make it easier to look after.

To be honest I think its laziness - she needs to be told to shower / wash / pick up after herself, everything.

This morning is the last straw as she didnt attempt to plait it last night and we were 10 minutes detangling with all the dramatics that goes with it - by the time I leave for work i'm a nervous wreck.

Am I asking too much of her at her age? Should I insist its cut? Anyone else in the same boat who can recommend products to help?

OP posts:
SusanIvanova · 06/11/2015 08:19

Get it cut. Genuinely. If she isn't able to look after it she isn't able to have it at that length.

73dexter · 06/11/2015 08:20

My dd can't plait her own hair so I do it for her and she is 18!

exexpat · 06/11/2015 08:21

DD has just turned 13 and has long, thick wavy hair. I haven't touched it (except for helping to apply hair dye Hmm ) for at least two years. She doesn't plait it, though I think could if she wanted to, but puts it up in a pony tail or bun every day for school.

If your DD doesn't otherwise have co-ordination problems, then she should be able to brush and plait her own hair (I certainly did at that age), and it probably comes down to laziness and being used to you doing it.

I don't have any suggestions for how to make her do it, except perhaps for going cold turkey on helping her, and making her deal with the consequences.

00100001 · 06/11/2015 08:23

Tell her that from now on she has to do it herself. SHe should be bale to do a pony tail or bun easily enough. Get her to brush it when it's wet with conditioner in.

If she can't cope, she'll have to get it cut shorter.

Stop babying her. and stop doing it for her - so what if she looks like a scarecrow?

Also if she is struggling to remember to shower etc, it sounds like there is something else going on. Has she always been like this? Or is it something new? It sounds like cutting her hair short will help her. Sell the shorter hair to her that way? Say we'll take off "a bit" and see.

CalleighDoodle · 06/11/2015 08:23

My 5 yr old insists on doing it herself. She cant plait though but her hair is bum length

laundryeverywhere · 06/11/2015 08:23

My dd, 11, has difficult hair that gets knotty easily, but she can do it herself. A detangling brush and spray might help.

Kevinthefruitbat · 06/11/2015 08:25

Oh don't make her cut it if she doesn't want you to. I'd continue to plait it for her a bit longer.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 06/11/2015 08:26

Mine can plait hers at 9 but detsngling is another matter, although she has got a lot better at it recently (she does it sat at the computer watching Youtube). I still help with knots once or twice a week, and sometimes plait it before bed. i don't insist in totally detangled before school, so long as it looks presentable and is in a bunch. I think brushing regularly throughout the day is a little OTT personally, surely it doesn't matter if it gets a bit untidy during the day, morning and night should be enough.

whois · 06/11/2015 08:26

Yes at 12 she should certainly my be brushing her hair and being able to tie it up.

Can you have a nice non-confrontational chat with her about it, explain as part of growing up is taking responsibility for things like your hair. If she finds looking afte elk g hair too difficult then you can go to the hairdressers and see what style they suggest would be easier to style. Buy her a tangle teaser and some nice products. Have a nice morning together in town or something. Don't make it a shouting match after another shitty morning tangle session...!

Kevinthefruitbat · 06/11/2015 08:28

Oh and if you haven't already got one, get a tangle teaser (original, not a copy) we swear by them here.

CocktailQueen · 06/11/2015 08:34

Haven't touched 12yo dd's hair for years! She plaits it, puts it up into a bun, ponytails it, plays with it, does her friends' hair - but it sounds as if your dd isn't that interested in hair?

YY to buying conditioner and nice products, but also I'd suggest going to the hairdresser and having it cut shorter so she can manage it by herself. Sounds like a PITA in the mornings!

(btw, dd leaves a trail of destruction round the house after baths, etc. too. You're not alone!)

Kim82 · 06/11/2015 08:36

I'd say a 12 year old should be able to do their own hair. I haven't touched my 11 year old's for around a year now. She has thick hair that is curly underneath at the back and she manages to de tangle it and put it in a pony tail or a bun for school.

I will do it for her if she wants a complicated hair style for a special occasion but generally I don't help.

fieldfare · 06/11/2015 08:37

I don't really have to do anything with dd's hair now, she's just 13, unless it's a particularly complicated YouTube type affair where you need to be an octopus to manage.

We went through trauma with it a few years ago and I took her to get it cut to the tops of her shoulders, since then she's taken care of it and it's now down to her lower back and she has just learnt to French plait it herself.

Give her the option of taking care of it properly, have a look together st what products might help with this, or having a good 6-8 inches cut off.

Junosmum · 06/11/2015 08:38

My mum was in hospital for4 days when I six (having my little sister) my dad was incapable with a hair brush. I learnt quickly and no one else did my hair from that day on! At 12 she should be totally independent, regardless of the length and thickness.

Jw35 · 06/11/2015 09:05

I can totally relate to this! From the age of 10 I kept threatening to cut her hair for the same reason! Finally persuaded her to have a hair cut just before starting secondary age nearly 12. Now it's shorter she does it herself. So much easier! Get it cut!

Original poster
Bladders73 · 06/11/2015 09:35

No, there's no learning or co-ordination problems at all, just pure laziness as is the soap dodging.

I've given her two weeks to prove that she can look after it herself, wash it and herself regularly and brush it, put it up etc or its being cut to her shoulders.

She already has a tangle teezer, argan oil spray etc - she just finds it easier to be 'helpless' and have me do it.

OP posts:
Schrodingersmum · 06/11/2015 09:37

Tangle teezer and argon oil really help here as we have frizzy fine knotty hair to cope with

Have threatened drastic hair cut as we also do the scarecrow look but she will at least brush it as I now refuse to at 13

Jw35 · 06/11/2015 15:34

After the battle I've had with my now 12 year old I've decided kids should have short hair until they're at least 14! Grin

steppemum · 06/11/2015 18:42

my nieces are mixed race and so have that amazing spiral curly hair which is a nightmare to brush and plait etc.

The two oldest are aged 14 and 11 and they are perfectly capable of doing their own hair.

They sometimes ask for help, especially for a special style, but the day to day is their responsibility.

My dd has long straight hair, I told her she had to brush it and I would help plait it, she has therefore decided to keep her plait in overnight so she can brush it.

I am not sure about insisting on it being cut, I would back off, tell her it is her responsibility from now on, and let her see what it is like. It may take her 3-4 months before she gives up and decides to cut it, or she may then start to sort it. At 14 I would hand that decision over to her. If she looks a mess, or gets in trouble over pe, let her deal with it.

DamnBamboo · 06/11/2015 18:46

It would be a real act of aggression to cut her hair because you want to!
She is 12 not 2 and clearly she should have a say in this.
If it get so knotty that it needs to be cut, that's a different story, but you should at least warn her that no longer intend to help her out with it and if she doesn't do it herself, it will end up needing to be cut.

Or, you could just keep doing her hair for a bit longer!

DamnBamboo · 06/11/2015 18:47

What are you going to do if she outright refuses to get it cut. You can't make her. Unless of course you plan to pin her down and tell the hairdresser to go for it!

Lurkedforever1 · 06/11/2015 18:52

I've not done Dds since she was about 9, and for a few years before then she would brush it and do ponytails herself. Now I only do it if she wants something fancy. Hers is poker straight but very thick and long.

I'd tell her you aren't doing anything but fancy stuff in future and if it ends up matted she'll have to have it cut.

NewLife4Me · 06/11/2015 18:56

OP, I took mine to the hairdressers as she couldn't manage the length at all.
There were huge matted lumps that drove me to distraction.

She didn't have to have much cut off, it's really modern and she loves it now.

Just take them all to the hairdressers, seriously we haven't looked back and dd is a real vain bugger with her hair now. She never used to bother at all.

My dd didn't want to go, but we made her go. She tried appealing to dh who agreed with me so she was snookered. Grin

trapdooragain · 06/11/2015 19:11

my dd was 9 when i cut her hair off as it grew she learned to take care of it better now she is 15 i intervene occasionally but not often only because she has thick curly hair and it gets a matted bit in the middle back or because it gets very oily and i intervene and scrub it to death the amount of gunk i get when i do that is amazing!

MariaV0nTrapp · 06/11/2015 19:30

I have 4 girls (one is a 4 month old fuzzy peach so doesn't count) and they can all do their hair by themselves. 2 older ones are on y8 and y9 one likes her hair down with her longe fringe plaited to the side and she plaits it all up for her hobby. The other puts it all up on her head in that 'trendy' messy bun style. My 7 year old has elbow length hair. She can plait it but left to her it would be down and unbrushed everyday or unbrushed and plaited everyday. I leave her alone at the weekend to do with it as she pleases but I make sure i do it for school or if we go out. but the others, nope, nope, nope.. unless they want me to plait it wet so it goes crimpy.

In short.. Make her do it herself, she will soon learn!