selfish PIL (rant)

[Nikitasol]

Both sets of our parents live equidistant to us, about 1.5 hours each way, yet my folks muck in and help out with DS in a weekly basis so I can go to work, take him for weekends every other month so we can have some time off and help with his nursery costs all without being asked. The PIL on the other hand come to visit every two months and it's like royalty have arrived. The planning of each visit is endless and involved loads of phone calls and emails, followed by us blitzing the house and spending too much money on stupid pre dinner snacks for them. They arrive and it feels like we wait on them whilst parenting and still fitting in work whilst they sit around drinking wine. They're loaded and we're on the breadline but they never bring anything with them or contribute and if we go out more often than not we'll pay even though we end up struggling through to the end of the month afterwards. My folks on the other hand, havent got a pot to piss in aren't well off, but take us out and generally pop the odd bit of shopping in. I asked my MIl earlier (having just arranged for them to come and stay again which will wipe us out for November) if she could maybe have DS on a specific date in December due to an extra day's work, but she's got a choir rehearsal the next day and doesnt want to risk missing it. It's actually starting to make me boil with rage. I know there's absolutely no reason why they should help but it would be nice if they actually wanted to. I feel drained when they're here and shattered when they go.

The thing is, they're actually really nice people. I just think they're so well off that they're actually totally clueless about how tough things are for us at the mo and a lot of the population in general. FIL also has a I made my way in this world, so everyone else should too attitude. Can I turn this round so I don't get all embittered about it? DP doesn't see anything wrong with how things are so I can't discuss it with him.

[Nikitasol]

I guess everyone's boundaries are different. The thing is I grew up with fuck all not much whereas my partners family were always comfortable so I guess don't have to think about things like that and because things are tight for us currently, my DP is embarrassed about it and doesn't want it discussed with PIL. Also I don't think they think it seemly to discuss money whereas I don't have an issue with it on the whole. It did come up earlier in the year when MIL was visiting not long after we'd found out DP was being unexpectedly made redundant. I was Pg at the time and when MIL was here I had mc and found out I hadn't got a job I'd been interviewed for in the same day. I got really upset and told her what had been happening, so I guess she does know. I think she's mostly been a well-kept SAHM though and never had to worry about stuff like that herself so maybe it's harder to comprehend. I'm feeling a bit ungenerous for being so grumpy about them though as they are nice, just different. And yes I guess it is hard to incorporate another families way of being into your own.

We already shop at Aldi and poundstretcher but thanks for the tip.

[chillycurtains]

This is an odd situation you have created over time. Why are you spending money you can't afford entertaining people who only live 1.5 hrs away? Why do they come to you rather than you visit them? Why do you go to the shops and buy the pre-dinner snacks? If you are feeding them dinner then you don't need to feed them before you feed them again. Just stop. They are adults, you are adults. You don't have to do what they say. They don't have to babysit (and I guess they don't) but you don't have to do everything they want either.

[FreckledLeopard]

YANBU - however, I am learning that people and families are all very different and with totally different norms and expectations.

My parents always helped me out financially (I had DD as a teenager) and my mother was very hands on with childcare. I would expect to do the same when DD is grown up and has children. I would assume that I would help her with a deposit towards a house (if I could), help with childcare and generally be as supportive as possible.

My partner is totally different and it's been causing no end of issues in the household. DP comes from a family where no-one seems to rely on others, where there is no expectation of family assistance and where everyone is expected to stand on their own two feet at all times. It's totally alien to me. I find it really cold and not at all how I think families should be. But I guess I have to accept that each family is different and has different dynamics.

Quite how one overcomes these differences, though, I really don't know. Your DP won't understand your perspective and vice versa.

Sorry for rant. Issues are particularly raw for me at the moment, so it's really reassuring in a way to see that others are trying to navigate all this.

No advice but good luck!

[diddl]

I don't think that you should rely on your parents though.

Nice if they help, but don't rely on it.

[NerrSnerr]

The thing that jumps out at me is why are you accepting money from your parents who 'don't have a pot to piss in' for nursery costs? If you can't afford it then maybe you need to have a rethink about jobs/ childcare/ spending a ridiculous amount of money on your inlaws. It's unfair for them to suffer because you can't afford your childcare!

[diddl]

I also thought that that was odd Nerr.

PLus a repeating pattern if OP & her parents are spending more than they have.

[BestZebbie]

YABU -

1. to spend money you can't afford on your inlaws, especially if your basic household necessities are being subsidised by someone else
   
2. to take money from your parents at all (unless as a short term measure while you find a way to cover your own bills), given that they are poor themselves
   
3. to not treat your own parents to at least the same standard (even if overall that standard actually has to be lower that what you are currently providing) as your inlaws, given that they do so much for your family - they deserve meals out etc too (and if they would be horrified at that because they are subsidising you, then you cant afford to treat your inlaws either)
   
4. to expect your inlaws to provide you with money and childcare

[Nikitasol]

My folks are paying for three months of nursery for one day a week to help out since DP was made redundant and do I can bring in some funds. I start new better paid job in January so will pay then. I realise they're amazing and that I'm lucky they're so involved.

[Crabbitface]

If every time your PIL come to stay you buy in expensive snacks, and take them out to dinner, it is fairly likely that they are assuming that you can afford it. They are probably completely unaware of your financial situation and that's not really their fault.

I, too, think that you should cut back when they come over. Invite them to stay and behave completely normally - give them a real insight into how your family lives. They are family too, and I think this is a more honest way to conduct a relationship with them.

The snacks and eating out etc are things I would do when a friend I hadn't seen for years came to stay, but for close friends and family it's a big pot of tomato pasta, garlic bread, a couple of bottles of plonk, jammies on and strictly on in the background while we shoot the breeze.

I would like to think that by establishing a more 'real' and honest relationship with your IL you might all become a bit closer naturally and as a result they would be more inclined to muck in.

Good luck with it all. It sounds like you're a bit frazzled at the moment.

[rageagainsttheBIL]

You still haven't said what happens when you visit PIL or if you visit at all...? Am curious now!

Your parents drive 3 hours twice a week for a 2 hour visit?

Wow.

You really are extremely fortunate and need to focus on what's good in your life tbh.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

You really are extremely fortunate and need to focus on what's good in your life tbh.

^^This really. I do find it strange that you needed to have a rant about GPs not helping you out OP when you really appear to be very lucky on that front.

The imbalance in terms of how you entertain your PILs and not your own DPs is a problem but really not of your PIL's making. Also think your DPs do a lot for you but that doesn't mean you should expect the same from your PILs. To me that's a but like winning the lottery and then complaining that the postcode lottery is shit because you didn't win that too .

[Nikitasol]

We have extended family on the other side of the borough of where we live and my mum still works part time near there so my folks would be going past us a couple times each week anyway. We do go and stay at PIL about 4 times a year but we muck in when we are there and cook, clean up, wash up etc too. They are nice to us when we're there but it's fairly simple.

[SeaCabbage]

Please please say you are taking on board all the posts about not waiting on them hand and foot and buying special stuff.

It really is madness to be putting yourself in financial difficulty to entertain your PIL. Really.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Ywbu to expect them to help but yanbu to expect them to behave like decent human beings when they do visit. Stop treating them like royalty, give them whatever you would have had to eat anyway, and ask them to bring their cups to the kitchen etc