selfish PIL (rant)

[Nikitasol]

Both sets of our parents live equidistant to us, about 1.5 hours each way, yet my folks muck in and help out with DS in a weekly basis so I can go to work, take him for weekends every other month so we can have some time off and help with his nursery costs all without being asked. The PIL on the other hand come to visit every two months and it's like royalty have arrived. The planning of each visit is endless and involved loads of phone calls and emails, followed by us blitzing the house and spending too much money on stupid pre dinner snacks for them. They arrive and it feels like we wait on them whilst parenting and still fitting in work whilst they sit around drinking wine. They're loaded and we're on the breadline but they never bring anything with them or contribute and if we go out more often than not we'll pay even though we end up struggling through to the end of the month afterwards. My folks on the other hand, havent got a pot to piss in aren't well off, but take us out and generally pop the odd bit of shopping in. I asked my MIl earlier (having just arranged for them to come and stay again which will wipe us out for November) if she could maybe have DS on a specific date in December due to an extra day's work, but she's got a choir rehearsal the next day and doesnt want to risk missing it. It's actually starting to make me boil with rage. I know there's absolutely no reason why they should help but it would be nice if they actually wanted to. I feel drained when they're here and shattered when they go.

The thing is, they're actually really nice people. I just think they're so well off that they're actually totally clueless about how tough things are for us at the mo and a lot of the population in general. FIL also has a I made my way in this world, so everyone else should too attitude. Can I turn this round so I don't get all embittered about it? DP doesn't see anything wrong with how things are so I can't discuss it with him.

[Nikitasol]

Well that's quite a varied response! Thanks all. I realise we are really lucky with my folks who go above and beyond, so probably it does skew things somewhat for the PILs in that aspect. DP has a stressy relationship with FIL about not being good enough so there's a lot of that in the mix too. I see how lovely DS relationship is with my folks though and that he quite often cries when we visit PIL as he doesn't recognise them initially, but I guess that's not something I can do anything about. Maybe I am being a bit entitled too. I guess my upbringing was we're in it together so it's a lets all help each other out attitude, whereas DPs folks just have a different approach to things which I just have to accept.

[NoSquirrels]

Well, I'm not sure you're being entirely unreasonable, but you're certainly not being entirely reasonable either.

Like it or not, there is a difference in the way ILs behave as opposed to your own parents. I think this is amplified in the PILS/DIL relationship as a lot of people think it would be rude and stepping on your toes to make a cup of tea in someone else's house/offer to buy in food/help out in the kitchen etc. My MIL (who is wonderful, and very helpful) does help out in my house, but certainly not to the extent that she does in my SILs house. I don't resent that, I understand it, tbh. My DM, however, will make herself right at home with organising a cupboard or whatever.

You say "more often that not" you pay when you go out - so they do pay sometimes. Just stop the paying in turns and say you will cover your share, OR don't go out to eat if you can't afford it. What your DPs do, with paying for childcare costs, helping out once a week and for weekends is sort of irrelevant to what your PIL do - sure it would be nice, but it's in no way obligatory to financially assist your grown children.

What happens when they host (as a PP asked)? Do they provide wine and nibbles, and not expect you to clear up? Do you go to them as frequently as they come to you?

If your DP can't see anything wrong with it, perhaps there IS nothing wrong with it, but your expectations are different because your family/parents' way of doing things is more natural to you.

Definitely don't make yourselves skint though to host them. It's up to you to cut your cloth, and up to them to be gracious about what you give them when you host.

[EnaSharplesHairnet]

I just spotted the nursery fees!
Your parents do make them look bad. (Not blaming either set of GPs there.)

If your husband knows that your parents have to help with nursery fees he should realise it's silly to splash out on expensive food for his parents or take them out to eat.

They may have no idea of your financial situation.

[Strangertides1]

I have to agree with the above. Stop treating them like royalty and start looking out for number one. Cheap food and one bottle of wine, if they suggest they want more then suggest next time they brill more. Pil like this annoy me so much. X

[OVienna]

So, I can see where you coming from for most of this, although I agree with the others about the childcare. Anyone who has this is very lucky, it's not a cert, and some gp's don't feel comfortable or don't want this commitment.

That said, I think they sound like common or garden demanding house guests in other respects. It seems like they want the benefits of coming as often as they like because they're family/the GPs but none of the 'responsibility' for things it would be normal for family members to help out with - meal prep, chipping in with costs of a meal out etc which a 'normal' house guest, that maybe came once a year, wouldn't be expected to do. If that makes any sense. It feels like they want it both ways and I think it would also get very much on my nerves.

[OVienna]

Good question - are they good hosts themselves?

[alicemalice]

You get so much help from one set of grandparents. I think it makes you look churlish to complain about any of this.

A lot of people don't have anyone to help at all.

[Pooseyfrumpture]

So your parents are subsidising your inlaws visits, effectively? How does your DP see it if you point that out?

[diddl]

"Pil like this annoy me so much"

PIL like what?

How are they to know that Op & her husband overspend when they visit?

How long do they stay for?

Is it really necessary when they are only 1.5hrs away?

Would it be better if they came more frequently for less time?

[MammaTJ]

Stop spending money you cannot afford when your ILs visit. You are maybe giving them a false impression of how well off you are. If you just stuck to basics, them they would realise that you are not as well off as you have perhaps lead them to believe by your spending on their visits in the past. THEN and only then, they may or may not offer to help out.

[TheOriginalMerylStrop]

YABU about the babysitting day.

YABU about the rest because they don't know you are struggling, and how much an extra day's pay would help you out

If you are on the breadline you MUST tell them - or rather you DP needs to swallow his pride and stop putting on a show.

He needs to grow up

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

it's like royalty have arrived. The planning of each visit is endless and involved loads of phone calls and emails, followed by us blitzing the house and spending too much money on stupid pre dinner snacks for them. They arrive and it feels like we wait on them whilst parenting and still fitting in work whilst they sit around drinking wine. They're loaded and we're on the breadline but they never bring anything with them or contribute and if we go out more often than not we'll pay

You don't actually have to do any of that. Definitely stop paying for meals out for a start. Maybe keep the visits much shorter if they are so tiring or go and visit them instead. You could always breezily give them jobs to do "Oh just set the table will you FIL?" etc

It's not entirely dissimilar to my parents and my inlaws, tbh. When we had our first baby my parents turned up with food, cleaned, shopped and cooked for us, did the washing and the garden and just generally looked after us. They kept telling me to go to bed if I wanted, were happy to help with the baby but didn't interfere. My PILs, on the other hand, turned up expecting to be waited on hand and foot, stayed for hours on end and were huffy about the baby being asleep or if I took him away to feed him.

At the end of their day it's their loss - both us and the kids have a much better relationship with my family. The big difference is dh's attitude though. But if this is your dh's family culture then I guess it's what he's grown up with and it's normal to him?

[ShamefulPlaceMarker]

Stop comparing them to you dp. They're
Completely different people with completely different lives.
They don't have to help out with childcare of they don'twant to

[ShamefulPlaceMarker]

Posted too soon!
Just don't see them as much and don't indulge them as much. If they come to staybwith you then they should expect to live like you.

[ciele]

Doing your parents a disservice as they are effectively paying for rich PILS. I think you need to stand on your own two feet and also stop people pleasing.

[reni2]

Just tell them you have no money and host accordingly. Make a large pot of Chilli and don't buy pre-dinner snacks or anything else you wouldn't normally buy. It really shouldn't wipe you out for November and if they are rich enough not to notice, let them know, they might have no idea and might be quite happy to do a big shop when there.

[Hobbes8]

I have a similar situation but the other way round - my in laws come and visit whenever they can. They pitch in - take the kids out, make us all lunch, offer babysitting whenever we want. My kids love them and get excited about seeing them.

My own parents are much more "guests" when they come. They sit on the sofa and expect cups of tea. They do pay their own way, or will buy lunch if they want to go out (although I'd rather cook something at home rather than persuade my children to sit nicely at a table) so it's not a financial issue, but I know my mum in particular feels second best in terms of her relationship with my children. However she doesn't see that it's her behaviour that my children are responding to.

You can't make your in laws behave like your parents, obviously. But you can stop giving them stuff you can't afford, and you can accept that you're lucky to have one set of parents that behave as they do.

[Nikitasol]

Thanks for all the advice. I do feel quite conflicted about it but realise that there are times when I'm probably being entitled and times when I'm just being tired and grumpy and unfairly comparing. Suggestions about letting them muck in more are right and I'm shouldn't let DP's stress suck me into a cleaning frenzy before they come. I spose in the early days I wanted them to 'like me' so probably have also unrealistically made a rod for my own back. I guess they are being protective of their own retirement and putting themselves first, and there's no law against that, plus it was our choice to have DS. I have mentioned before that things are tight though too. Not in a give us money way, but in a pragmatic, things are tough in both our work sectors so we're having to strip things back Raiding the piggy bank .I just don't think that they really would understand it though as they've never been in that position. I also think if they came more often but for shorter time as suggested above , that would be loads better. My folks pop in once or twice a week but never for longer than two hours which is perfect, whereas a 50 hour visit does feel epic cos we're already knackered. Maybe if it were less I wouldn't be feeling so disgruntled. Or maybe I'm just a terrible DIL for even thinking a this. I haven't really articulated it properly to DP cos I know he'd mind hence wonderful MN!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

shouldn't let DP's stress suck me into a cleaning frenzy before they come

Excuse me? He's stressed about his parents' visit but you do the mega clean. Fuck off DH.

Who does the hours of phone calls and emails?

Who offers to take them out to dinner when you can't afford it?

Who demands and buys the special snacks and wine you don't normally have and can't afford?

Who waits on them hand and foot?

Is it both of you that are exhausted after they leave, or just one of you?

[MammaTJ]

You are not a terrible DIL for thinking this at all! I struggle with my lovely and totally non judgemental BIL visiting for a weekend and he spoils us all. He brings food with him, the DC only have to mention they might like something for him to be ordering it from amazon or argos I have told him to stop, but he won't listen, but that is the worst of his faults, he contributes while here. Perfect guest, but I STILL heave a sigh of relief when he goes!

[Jux]

Those are very good questions, RunRabbit.

You really do need to stop making a special effort. If your dh wants the house cleaned before they come, then you could help him, if you aren't too knackered.

Don't waste money on special stuff for them.

Can you send an email explaining that things are very tight atm, so you won't be able to buy wine and snacks and suggest that they bring them.

[curiousc88t]

You are lucky to have 2 x grand parents who live fairly close

I agree that it is entirely GPs choice if they wish to offer child care. It is not compulsory. It is your child.

I believe house hold bills should be paid first before "entertainment" eg meals out
I assume child care comes under house hold bills

Suggest shop Lidl or Aldi they sell good wine & food for entertaining or buy reduced food that you can store in freezer

Do you pay for meals out & wine for the GPs who provide child care ?

[Namechangenell]

Interesting one! My DM and DSD are the ones who can't be arsed in our case, DPIL would drop everything to help if I needed them to. DC are now 4 and 2 and guess who they have the better relationship with? You reap what you sow and all that. I wish my DM would take more interest, and it's not for want of trying, but she's the one who misses out in the end.

[candykane25]

Some people are flexible and adaptable and some people aren't.
Some people are get on with it and muck in and wing it and it will be fine people and some people need to know every detail to the ninth degree (whatever that actually means!) and are quite contained about what their roles are and can't step out of them.
Some people are all about family and joint effort/team work/ it takes a village to raise a child and some people just aren't .
When you marry, two different families merge with two different styles of doing things. Your parents are normal to you. Your PILs are normal to your DH. Your DH therefore does not see an issue and as he has been raised in their style, probably won't rock the boat or try to change anything.
I am honest and direct with my in laws. I love them to bits but we have different ideas about things. If I wait for my DH to discuss issues that crop up, well, I'll be waiting a long time! In turn they are honest with me too, and there is mutual trust and respect.
Tell them with love and respect that finances are tight, especially with the festive season upon us - if they want to arrange anything specifically they are free to do so but at the moment you can't do this yourself. When they visit, ask for their help directly. My PILs are happy to help but they need to be asked - and when asking let them know it's fine if they say no. Don't have wine in the house, or nibbles. If they ask for some, tell them nicely where the nearest shop is, and if they fancy anything else like nibbles, to get those as well if they like? Make some new patterns of behaviour.
Best wishes OP.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Definitely stop making such an expensive effort for PILs visit. If your not very well off parents have to help you pay nursery fees there is no way you can afford it.

You can still have them to visit but on your terms. Yes, clean the house (BOTH of you, not just you!), whoever does the cooking in your house can come up with economical but tasty meals to make (things you would normally make when you have the time) and they can be offered whatever drinks you would usually have in your home. You still make them feel welcome & be polite but you mustn't let yourselves be out of pocket for it.

In regard to your other points - PILs being unwilling to provide childcare or financial help - YABU I'm afraid. I think it's a case of your own parents really putting themselves out for you (a 3 hour return journey to babysit every week for example), which is lovely assuming they do it because they want to, not because they feel obligated. It does sound like they are extra helpful though, which will make your PILs seem worse.