selfish PIL (rant)

[Nikitasol]

Both sets of our parents live equidistant to us, about 1.5 hours each way, yet my folks muck in and help out with DS in a weekly basis so I can go to work, take him for weekends every other month so we can have some time off and help with his nursery costs all without being asked. The PIL on the other hand come to visit every two months and it's like royalty have arrived. The planning of each visit is endless and involved loads of phone calls and emails, followed by us blitzing the house and spending too much money on stupid pre dinner snacks for them. They arrive and it feels like we wait on them whilst parenting and still fitting in work whilst they sit around drinking wine. They're loaded and we're on the breadline but they never bring anything with them or contribute and if we go out more often than not we'll pay even though we end up struggling through to the end of the month afterwards. My folks on the other hand, havent got a pot to piss in aren't well off, but take us out and generally pop the odd bit of shopping in. I asked my MIl earlier (having just arranged for them to come and stay again which will wipe us out for November) if she could maybe have DS on a specific date in December due to an extra day's work, but she's got a choir rehearsal the next day and doesnt want to risk missing it. It's actually starting to make me boil with rage. I know there's absolutely no reason why they should help but it would be nice if they actually wanted to. I feel drained when they're here and shattered when they go.

The thing is, they're actually really nice people. I just think they're so well off that they're actually totally clueless about how tough things are for us at the mo and a lot of the population in general. FIL also has a I made my way in this world, so everyone else should too attitude. Can I turn this round so I don't get all embittered about it? DP doesn't see anything wrong with how things are so I can't discuss it with him.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Ywbu to expect them to help but yanbu to expect them to behave like decent human beings when they do visit. Stop treating them like royalty, give them whatever you would have had to eat anyway, and ask them to bring their cups to the kitchen etc

[SeaCabbage]

Please please say you are taking on board all the posts about not waiting on them hand and foot and buying special stuff.

It really is madness to be putting yourself in financial difficulty to entertain your PIL. Really.

[Nikitasol]

We have extended family on the other side of the borough of where we live and my mum still works part time near there so my folks would be going past us a couple times each week anyway. We do go and stay at PIL about 4 times a year but we muck in when we are there and cook, clean up, wash up etc too. They are nice to us when we're there but it's fairly simple.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

You really are extremely fortunate and need to focus on what's good in your life tbh.

^^This really. I do find it strange that you needed to have a rant about GPs not helping you out OP when you really appear to be very lucky on that front.

The imbalance in terms of how you entertain your PILs and not your own DPs is a problem but really not of your PIL's making. Also think your DPs do a lot for you but that doesn't mean you should expect the same from your PILs. To me that's a but like winning the lottery and then complaining that the postcode lottery is shit because you didn't win that too .

[rageagainsttheBIL]

You still haven't said what happens when you visit PIL or if you visit at all...? Am curious now!

Your parents drive 3 hours twice a week for a 2 hour visit?

Wow.

You really are extremely fortunate and need to focus on what's good in your life tbh.

[Crabbitface]

If every time your PIL come to stay you buy in expensive snacks, and take them out to dinner, it is fairly likely that they are assuming that you can afford it. They are probably completely unaware of your financial situation and that's not really their fault.

I, too, think that you should cut back when they come over. Invite them to stay and behave completely normally - give them a real insight into how your family lives. They are family too, and I think this is a more honest way to conduct a relationship with them.

The snacks and eating out etc are things I would do when a friend I hadn't seen for years came to stay, but for close friends and family it's a big pot of tomato pasta, garlic bread, a couple of bottles of plonk, jammies on and strictly on in the background while we shoot the breeze.

I would like to think that by establishing a more 'real' and honest relationship with your IL you might all become a bit closer naturally and as a result they would be more inclined to muck in.

Good luck with it all. It sounds like you're a bit frazzled at the moment.

[Nikitasol]

My folks are paying for three months of nursery for one day a week to help out since DP was made redundant and do I can bring in some funds. I start new better paid job in January so will pay then. I realise they're amazing and that I'm lucky they're so involved.

[BestZebbie]

YABU -

1. to spend money you can't afford on your inlaws, especially if your basic household necessities are being subsidised by someone else
   
2. to take money from your parents at all (unless as a short term measure while you find a way to cover your own bills), given that they are poor themselves
   
3. to not treat your own parents to at least the same standard (even if overall that standard actually has to be lower that what you are currently providing) as your inlaws, given that they do so much for your family - they deserve meals out etc too (and if they would be horrified at that because they are subsidising you, then you cant afford to treat your inlaws either)
   
4. to expect your inlaws to provide you with money and childcare

[diddl]

I also thought that that was odd Nerr.

PLus a repeating pattern if OP & her parents are spending more than they have.

[NerrSnerr]

The thing that jumps out at me is why are you accepting money from your parents who 'don't have a pot to piss in' for nursery costs? If you can't afford it then maybe you need to have a rethink about jobs/ childcare/ spending a ridiculous amount of money on your inlaws. It's unfair for them to suffer because you can't afford your childcare!

[diddl]

I don't think that you should rely on your parents though.

Nice if they help, but don't rely on it.

[FreckledLeopard]

YANBU - however, I am learning that people and families are all very different and with totally different norms and expectations.

My parents always helped me out financially (I had DD as a teenager) and my mother was very hands on with childcare. I would expect to do the same when DD is grown up and has children. I would assume that I would help her with a deposit towards a house (if I could), help with childcare and generally be as supportive as possible.

My partner is totally different and it's been causing no end of issues in the household. DP comes from a family where no-one seems to rely on others, where there is no expectation of family assistance and where everyone is expected to stand on their own two feet at all times. It's totally alien to me. I find it really cold and not at all how I think families should be. But I guess I have to accept that each family is different and has different dynamics.

Quite how one overcomes these differences, though, I really don't know. Your DP won't understand your perspective and vice versa.

Sorry for rant. Issues are particularly raw for me at the moment, so it's really reassuring in a way to see that others are trying to navigate all this.

No advice but good luck!

[chillycurtains]

This is an odd situation you have created over time. Why are you spending money you can't afford entertaining people who only live 1.5 hrs away? Why do they come to you rather than you visit them? Why do you go to the shops and buy the pre-dinner snacks? If you are feeding them dinner then you don't need to feed them before you feed them again. Just stop. They are adults, you are adults. You don't have to do what they say. They don't have to babysit (and I guess they don't) but you don't have to do everything they want either.

[Nikitasol]

I guess everyone's boundaries are different. The thing is I grew up with fuck all not much whereas my partners family were always comfortable so I guess don't have to think about things like that and because things are tight for us currently, my DP is embarrassed about it and doesn't want it discussed with PIL. Also I don't think they think it seemly to discuss money whereas I don't have an issue with it on the whole. It did come up earlier in the year when MIL was visiting not long after we'd found out DP was being unexpectedly made redundant. I was Pg at the time and when MIL was here I had mc and found out I hadn't got a job I'd been interviewed for in the same day. I got really upset and told her what had been happening, so I guess she does know. I think she's mostly been a well-kept SAHM though and never had to worry about stuff like that herself so maybe it's harder to comprehend. I'm feeling a bit ungenerous for being so grumpy about them though as they are nice, just different. And yes I guess it is hard to incorporate another families way of being into your own.

We already shop at Aldi and poundstretcher but thanks for the tip.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Definitely stop making such an expensive effort for PILs visit. If your not very well off parents have to help you pay nursery fees there is no way you can afford it.

You can still have them to visit but on your terms. Yes, clean the house (BOTH of you, not just you!), whoever does the cooking in your house can come up with economical but tasty meals to make (things you would normally make when you have the time) and they can be offered whatever drinks you would usually have in your home. You still make them feel welcome & be polite but you mustn't let yourselves be out of pocket for it.

In regard to your other points - PILs being unwilling to provide childcare or financial help - YABU I'm afraid. I think it's a case of your own parents really putting themselves out for you (a 3 hour return journey to babysit every week for example), which is lovely assuming they do it because they want to, not because they feel obligated. It does sound like they are extra helpful though, which will make your PILs seem worse.

[candykane25]

Some people are flexible and adaptable and some people aren't.
Some people are get on with it and muck in and wing it and it will be fine people and some people need to know every detail to the ninth degree (whatever that actually means!) and are quite contained about what their roles are and can't step out of them.
Some people are all about family and joint effort/team work/ it takes a village to raise a child and some people just aren't .
When you marry, two different families merge with two different styles of doing things. Your parents are normal to you. Your PILs are normal to your DH. Your DH therefore does not see an issue and as he has been raised in their style, probably won't rock the boat or try to change anything.
I am honest and direct with my in laws. I love them to bits but we have different ideas about things. If I wait for my DH to discuss issues that crop up, well, I'll be waiting a long time! In turn they are honest with me too, and there is mutual trust and respect.
Tell them with love and respect that finances are tight, especially with the festive season upon us - if they want to arrange anything specifically they are free to do so but at the moment you can't do this yourself. When they visit, ask for their help directly. My PILs are happy to help but they need to be asked - and when asking let them know it's fine if they say no. Don't have wine in the house, or nibbles. If they ask for some, tell them nicely where the nearest shop is, and if they fancy anything else like nibbles, to get those as well if they like? Make some new patterns of behaviour.
Best wishes OP.

[Namechangenell]

Interesting one! My DM and DSD are the ones who can't be arsed in our case, DPIL would drop everything to help if I needed them to. DC are now 4 and 2 and guess who they have the better relationship with? You reap what you sow and all that. I wish my DM would take more interest, and it's not for want of trying, but she's the one who misses out in the end.

[curiousc88t]

You are lucky to have 2 x grand parents who live fairly close

I agree that it is entirely GPs choice if they wish to offer child care. It is not compulsory. It is your child.

I believe house hold bills should be paid first before "entertainment" eg meals out
I assume child care comes under house hold bills

Suggest shop Lidl or Aldi they sell good wine & food for entertaining or buy reduced food that you can store in freezer

Do you pay for meals out & wine for the GPs who provide child care ?

[Jux]

Those are very good questions, RunRabbit.

You really do need to stop making a special effort. If your dh wants the house cleaned before they come, then you could help him, if you aren't too knackered.

Don't waste money on special stuff for them.

Can you send an email explaining that things are very tight atm, so you won't be able to buy wine and snacks and suggest that they bring them.

[MammaTJ]

You are not a terrible DIL for thinking this at all! I struggle with my lovely and totally non judgemental BIL visiting for a weekend and he spoils us all. He brings food with him, the DC only have to mention they might like something for him to be ordering it from amazon or argos I have told him to stop, but he won't listen, but that is the worst of his faults, he contributes while here. Perfect guest, but I STILL heave a sigh of relief when he goes!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

shouldn't let DP's stress suck me into a cleaning frenzy before they come

Excuse me? He's stressed about his parents' visit but you do the mega clean. Fuck off DH.

Who does the hours of phone calls and emails?

Who offers to take them out to dinner when you can't afford it?

Who demands and buys the special snacks and wine you don't normally have and can't afford?

Who waits on them hand and foot?

Is it both of you that are exhausted after they leave, or just one of you?

[Nikitasol]

Thanks for all the advice. I do feel quite conflicted about it but realise that there are times when I'm probably being entitled and times when I'm just being tired and grumpy and unfairly comparing. Suggestions about letting them muck in more are right and I'm shouldn't let DP's stress suck me into a cleaning frenzy before they come. I spose in the early days I wanted them to 'like me' so probably have also unrealistically made a rod for my own back. I guess they are being protective of their own retirement and putting themselves first, and there's no law against that, plus it was our choice to have DS. I have mentioned before that things are tight though too. Not in a give us money way, but in a pragmatic, things are tough in both our work sectors so we're having to strip things back Raiding the piggy bank .I just don't think that they really would understand it though as they've never been in that position. I also think if they came more often but for shorter time as suggested above , that would be loads better. My folks pop in once or twice a week but never for longer than two hours which is perfect, whereas a 50 hour visit does feel epic cos we're already knackered. Maybe if it were less I wouldn't be feeling so disgruntled. Or maybe I'm just a terrible DIL for even thinking a this. I haven't really articulated it properly to DP cos I know he'd mind hence wonderful MN!

[Hobbes8]

I have a similar situation but the other way round - my in laws come and visit whenever they can. They pitch in - take the kids out, make us all lunch, offer babysitting whenever we want. My kids love them and get excited about seeing them.

My own parents are much more "guests" when they come. They sit on the sofa and expect cups of tea. They do pay their own way, or will buy lunch if they want to go out (although I'd rather cook something at home rather than persuade my children to sit nicely at a table) so it's not a financial issue, but I know my mum in particular feels second best in terms of her relationship with my children. However she doesn't see that it's her behaviour that my children are responding to.

You can't make your in laws behave like your parents, obviously. But you can stop giving them stuff you can't afford, and you can accept that you're lucky to have one set of parents that behave as they do.

[reni2]

Just tell them you have no money and host accordingly. Make a large pot of Chilli and don't buy pre-dinner snacks or anything else you wouldn't normally buy. It really shouldn't wipe you out for November and if they are rich enough not to notice, let them know, they might have no idea and might be quite happy to do a big shop when there.

[ciele]

Doing your parents a disservice as they are effectively paying for rich PILS. I think you need to stand on your own two feet and also stop people pleasing.