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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know, I just have had it really - im toxic

65 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:05

I don't know what i want to say. I don't know what i want anyone to say really.

All those posters posting about toxic parents, toxic partners, life sucking friends - well that is me. I am that person.

I am dragging everyone down with me. Even my dogs FFS.

My DD came home from school yesterday sobbing but wouldnt say why. I called the school and her teacher explained that she was feeling lonely because her little friend was playing with someone else. She is in year 6 and is friendless. Then the teacher dropped the bombshell and my heart broke - "your dd is very anxious"

I thought i had managed to sheild her from it, from my poison but no - i've damaged her. Just as i damaged DD1. She is 25 now and thinking about getting counselling for anger issues I tried so hard for DD2, i had PND but i managed to be a good mummy, or so i thought. Obviously not - because my little girl is anxious.

It can only be because of me - i am anxious, im on medication - every fucking single day of my life i battle with it - that feeling in the pit of my stomach when i know - everything isn't ok. There will be something. A letter through the door, a phone call. Something.

Ive tried to take control, ive got a little job - well its turned into a full on job but not full time and not good money and not regular, apart from cleaning. Im happy when im there, i love my job but today i am sat her crying because i don't have any work today. Because i don't want to be here, on my own, in my shit hole of a house that i am ashamed of.

My DD has no friends because people don't like me, i don;t know why, i try to be nice, i try to help people, i think im one of those irritating people who try too much and just make people uncomfortable. So of course the play dates don't happen - I have asked a little girl next week because her teacher said she was kind to DD, but once her parents see where we live they wont want her to come again.

I am tired, i am tired of worrying about money constantly and having no control over it. DP isn't bringing enough in and i have tried to compensate by asking for as many hours at work that i can spare but of course i can't take hours from people. Now DP has an offer of some steady work (he is self employed) but it means i'll probably have to give up my job due to the fact he will have to start early and finish late.

I have no control over my life - but i NEED to feel i have something. I just feel like i am lurching from one disaster to another.

But none of that matters - what matters is that i have infected my children.

No point in going to the Dr, fucking useless.

OP posts:

Bupbupbup · 05/11/2015 10:13

Someone with a better answer than me will be along shortly.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and though she never went to the doctor my mom was 100% an anxious person.
It sounds like you are trying your best to overcome this and it's very obvious from your post that you love your daughter.

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice but it sounds like you're doing a better job than you let yourself believe and I bet your daughter is secure that she's loved

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/11/2015 10:17

Toxic people don't feel as bad as you feel. Therefore you're not toxic.

I'm sorry your DD fell out with her friend but that is because theyre preteen girls, and that's what they do. Her friends don't decide to be her friend or not based on you.

Is it possible that she is also an anxious little soul and finding it hard to make friends? If she is, it doesn't mean it's your fault. These things often run in families just like other illnesses do. Because anxiety is an illness like any other.

I don't have any practical advice even though I struggle with many of the same feelings that you do. But you are not toxic

alteredimages · 05/11/2015 10:17

You are not toxic, and I think you know that.

I have a horribly anxious DD too who struggles to make friends. I struggle with anxiety and whilst I can grit my teeth and make it through when it is just me, my heart breaks whenever I see DD upset and pushed out and I feel like I have made her that way.

It isn't true though. All we can do is try and help them to be as confident as they can be and offer them the tools to make their own choices. It is so hard to let them get on with it but we have to.

I know for my DD the biggest thing that makes her doubt herself is seeing me uneasy or worried. I send her the message that I don't trust her and that she is doing something wrong.

Is it possible that you are reading more into the teacher's comment than she intended?

You definitely haven't infected anyone, from your post it looks like you are doing a good job.

I would try going to the doctor, especially if someone can go with you to advocate for you. In the past when I have gone I couldn't get the words out and ended up saying that everything was fine. Or are you saying that the doctor is useless?

Seriouslyffs · 05/11/2015 10:21

You're not toxic.
My Mums anxious, I'm anxious, my DDs are sometimes anxious but have loads of tools for dealing with it and someone close who relates to it!

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:24

My DP used to go to the DR with me but he has had enough now. He is crossed with me today because i am fretting over paying the mortgage. I just want to stop being.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:26

Im back at work tomorrow for an epically long and busy day, i just want to go to bed now and wake up tomorrow so i can go to work. How sad is that.

OP posts:

space0bongo · 05/11/2015 10:28

You aren't toxic. You sound overworked and stressed - do you have family who could take your daughter for the odd weekend? Or maybe you could enroll her into something like brownies or dance class or karate so she makes more friends? I really feel for you though.

ScarlettDarling · 05/11/2015 10:30

LEM... I've read many of your posts and believe me, you absolutely aren't toxic. You are a caring, kind, intelligent person who just so happens to suffer from a horrible, horrible condition. Anxiety is awful. I struggle with it myself, I do understand.

You need to think of what you would reply to someone else who had posted what you have. Would you feel that person was toxic or would you see a mother who was torn apart with feelings of guilt that her anxiety might be affecting her daughter? Would you feel that she was a bad person or would your heart go out to her?

Your daughter may be anxious. She may struggle with making friends. I'm a primary teacher and I'd say that in every class there is a handful of children who struggle in these ways. Its normal. Try to find ways to help her but don't blame yourself. Inviting the friend for a play date is a great idea. If you're anxious about the parents seeing your house, then offer to drop her back home afterwards. Just tell them it's on your way somewhere.

Big hugs LEM xxx

Ohfourfoxache · 05/11/2015 10:31

Oh sweetheart you're not toxic

If you were toxic you wouldn't give a shit. The love you have for your family shines through in your post.

Sometimes things are a bit genetic - I've got depression (only one on ADs) but my mum, her sister, their mother, her mother (in and out of institutions for years) and very likely her mother also show(ed) clear signs. But do you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. It can be managed and I promise you that it can be better than this.

You're such a lovely poster, I hate to think of you going through this torment xx

greenhill · 05/11/2015 10:32

If you were toxic, you wouldn't care about other people. You are a loving and concerned parent

Leigh1980 · 05/11/2015 10:33

Generalised anxiety disorder get her to ask a psychiatrist regarding a medication called Pregabalin. Your daughter is me to the tee! I've been on this medication now for nearly a year and boy oh boy I feel alive again and my anxiety is now very minimal. I haven't experienced any side effects at all.

maybebabybee · 05/11/2015 10:33

OP I suffer from terrible anxiety and I have a lovely, lovely mum. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Some people are unfortunately just anxious. There's not always a concrete reason for it.

Sending to yourself and your DD.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 05/11/2015 10:34

oh LEM .... you are so clearly doing the best you can. It sounds like you're not doing so badly, but that everything has come crashing in on you today.

this isn't going to get you through the awful feelings, but can you concentrate on the practical things just for now? Have you eaten / drunk enough? Is there any chance at all of going for a walk?

Is it possible to arrange to speak to the teacher and see what suggestions they have for helping your daughter learn strategies for coping? You can't magic anxiety away but if she can learn some ways of handling it, that will really help.

It may sound too much to take on today but perhaps tomorrow or next week?

when you're in the swamp of despair, you put one foot in front of the other to get out.

Take care of yourself

wheelsonabus · 05/11/2015 10:35

You're living with anxiety and that is hard and bloody draining. You are now going through a depressed patch as a result. I know you said you are skint, but can you afford it to have weekly therapy. I see it as an investment in yourself and your children. It really works with the right therapist. Mine has been life changing.

I worried I was bringing my family down with me. Everything felt like it was a mountain to climb and it was, with anxiety on back all day and night. I'd had issues since childhood and had no idea how much it permeated my life. Now it is going, slowly but surely and I have not (touch wood) had a depressive patch since. I feel more in control of my life and my environment.

You mention where you live is an issue for your dd to bring friends home - what do you mean? Is it the neighbourhood or your home?

Sansoora · 05/11/2015 10:37

I have no advice. I just wanted to acknowledge your upset and your heartbreaking post.

Im so sorry you feel as bad as you do.

Kitsmummy · 05/11/2015 10:38

Oh LEM I've read loads of your posts before and you're so not toxic, you're just in a bad place. Remember that school girls (and this is in my experience only) are more highly strung than boys...there's always the drama and fallings out that you really don't get so much of with boys. You're not a bad person, just a person with struggles x

DawnOfTheDoggers · 05/11/2015 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheelsonabus · 05/11/2015 10:41

I just want to add that if your dd is anxious there might be another reason. Ask the teacher to get her to talk to the school mentor and see what she says to another person in confidence. My therapist tells me the following advice:

Talk to your dd and ask her open ended questions so she can just discuss what is bothering her or anything else that pops into her mind without you doing much else than listening
Allow her to talk to someone else. She might not want to upset you and will be more open with a neutral person and the school mentor is ideal.

Leelu6 · 05/11/2015 10:41

I grew up in a house like the one you describe. I always felt different to other kids. But I truly believe I am better for it in many ways.

Can you explain why you think your house is a shithole? Is it something that can be improved with a bit of effort or is it more difficult?

Whilst I think that the most important thing for kids is to be loved rather than living in a lovely home, I think if it's affecting your DD to the extent that she can't have playdates there then some effort to make it presentable would help. It could also help you with your anxiety?

Is your DP's new job permanent? Will you be able to manage on his salary? If yes, could you work less or fit your work around your DD's school hours?

wheelsonabus · 05/11/2015 10:45

And ditto you are not 'toxic' as you are looking to yourself for blame and that is not what toxic people do.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:46

I know im just having a bad day really. I DO enjoy my job, but i feel guilty because its easy. So the money is poor and i don't have enough hours. But when i worked over half term DD was really upset about it. I just want a break from the constant worry. I feel sorry for my DD because she worries for me, even though i try not to show my anxiety in front of her. DP is running out of patience. He has gone to work today, i could have gone with him to help but he didn't want me to because im stressed. He doesn't want to be around me when im like this.

So im just sitting here doing nothing when the kitchen needs cleaned,as does the bathroom. Im working tomorrow all day. 14 hour shift, its all or nothing - why don't i just get off my arse and get a proper job. ARggghhhhhhhh

OP posts:

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:48

My DD is dyslexic and very obsessive, i am asking the senco about ASD because her level of obsession is too much, but DP its just me fretting about stuff i shouldnt be

OP posts:

0verNow · 05/11/2015 10:49

I like you. I always have. You're kind, and funny, and witty, and wise.

Be kind to yourself, today.

BeanGirls · 05/11/2015 10:52

You are not toxic. You care and are far too thoughtful to be toxic.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 05/11/2015 10:52

Just need a kick up the bum really, your kind words are helping though.

Fucking anxiety, its just such hard work sometimes.

OP posts:

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