I don't know, I just have had it really - im toxic

[TheoriginalLEM]

I don't know what i want to say. I don't know what i want anyone to say really.

All those posters posting about toxic parents, toxic partners, life sucking friends - well that is me. I am that person.

I am dragging everyone down with me. Even my dogs FFS.

My DD came home from school yesterday sobbing but wouldnt say why. I called the school and her teacher explained that she was feeling lonely because her little friend was playing with someone else. She is in year 6 and is friendless. Then the teacher dropped the bombshell and my heart broke - "your dd is very anxious"

I thought i had managed to sheild her from it, from my poison but no - i've damaged her. Just as i damaged DD1. She is 25 now and thinking about getting counselling for anger issues I tried so hard for DD2, i had PND but i managed to be a good mummy, or so i thought. Obviously not - because my little girl is anxious.

It can only be because of me - i am anxious, im on medication - every fucking single day of my life i battle with it - that feeling in the pit of my stomach when i know - everything isn't ok. There will be something. A letter through the door, a phone call. Something.

Ive tried to take control, ive got a little job - well its turned into a full on job but not full time and not good money and not regular, apart from cleaning. Im happy when im there, i love my job but today i am sat her crying because i don't have any work today. Because i don't want to be here, on my own, in my shit hole of a house that i am ashamed of.

My DD has no friends because people don't like me, i don;t know why, i try to be nice, i try to help people, i think im one of those irritating people who try too much and just make people uncomfortable. So of course the play dates don't happen - I have asked a little girl next week because her teacher said she was kind to DD, but once her parents see where we live they wont want her to come again.

I am tired, i am tired of worrying about money constantly and having no control over it. DP isn't bringing enough in and i have tried to compensate by asking for as many hours at work that i can spare but of course i can't take hours from people. Now DP has an offer of some steady work (he is self employed) but it means i'll probably have to give up my job due to the fact he will have to start early and finish late.

I have no control over my life - but i NEED to feel i have something. I just feel like i am lurching from one disaster to another.

But none of that matters - what matters is that i have infected my children.

No point in going to the Dr, fucking useless.

Thank you for the support everyone. I went with DP to work but i wasn't really much use to him so i got stressed about the washing up sitting at home contrary much???

DD has had a better day at school and I have confirmed the play date (crap phrase i know) so i feel a bit better about that.

Finances are up in the air so that is worrying me, we are late paying the mortgage but will be able to pay either tomorrow or next week so im sort of keeping a lid on that particular trigger (just).

I actually quite like the idea of the fung shui, although i couldn't even begin to do that in my house - it just has too much shite in it. A DD who is obsessed with keeping EVERYTHING and a DP who brings all his work stuff in and leaves it around the house as he doesn't have a van.

The guilt of us being in this situation is smothering me - it was all my fault, i was terrible when i had DD, kept calling DP and asking him to come home from work. Was supposed to go back to work after having DP but didn't so have screwed up my career. I must be the only cleaner with a Phd! I do love my job (when i get the extra hours it isn't cleaning! :) ) but its very much a safe option as in its something ive done for years although day to day its high pressure/busy/stressful - for some reason I do really well and my colleagues think im the one to keep the calm whenever the wheels fall off - if only they knew!! But that doesn't bring enough money in, however i can't even LOOK at a job advert as i can't face any more rejection or fuck ups. I did start teaching at college but couldn't cope and ended up having a 2nd breakdown.

I will try, one day at a time, but i am so tired. I nearly didn't get up for work this morning despite going to bed at 9 last night.

LEM you are not toxic!

Listen, nobody likes to think of their children being upset, but you know children fall out with each other all the time and this may be nothing more than a spat. My own DD fell out with her two besties yesterday, but I'm sure all will be forgiven by tomorrow (she hasn't seen them today as she's at home).

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're catastrophising - I do this a lot myself so it's not a criticism.

I hope your DD is ok today.

OP, would you try this website:

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

My doctor recommended it, it's based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and it's very, very good for depression and anxiety.

It changes negative thinking patterns. If you go through just the first few exercises you will see that it's aimed at people who have patterns of thinking just like you do. Honestly, you practically wrote the example that they use when you described how you think.

When something negative is happening to you, you are spiralling down into a cycle of blaming yourself, thinking that it confirms all your negative views of yourself, thinking that you and the situation are hopeless.

None of these things are true, and you need to get yourself into a situation where you can see that and believe that because at the moment you will almost be creating a self fulfilling prophecy because you feel hopeless and you're giving up. You need to learn to see yourself and the situations you are in more positively. Because believe me, none of the things you think are true.

Lem you have been so kind to me, a stranger, over the past few weeks when I've been at my lowest and posted on mumsnet for support I felt I couldn't get in real life.

I've been overwhelmed by the different people on here, including yourself, who have given me kind words and encouragement - you are most certainly not toxic.

I recommend moodgym, I've used it previously and it does help to focus the thoughts.

I did use moodgym, many years ago - i might give it another go. Everyone is so kind.

Everyone is kind because you are a lovely person - it shines through all your posts.

And the least toxic person on the planet.

Anxiety is so hard to live with. You sound like you are trying your hardest with everything. I hope things get better for you very soon.

I am on escitalopram, like citalopram but better (apparently) been on meds for years.

Right now i feel a bit like Jack Nicholson in that film - What if this is it? What if this is as good as it gets?

i was one of the first people to recommend this on here and like to think mnhq added it to their mental health pages because i banged on about it all the time

Maybe i should practice what i preach?

LEM as others have said you are far from toxic.

Really hope that tomorrow is brighter for you. Try to be kind to yourself.

LEM I don't know you but I know you the poster. You are not toxic.

You are kind and caring and it's so obvious from your concern over your DDs your a blinking good mum too.

But you have anxiety, it's a horrific consuming thing, and it's the anxiety making you doubt yourself.
I don't know what help/support you've received but I would suggest being open and honest with GP and asking for referral to some support.

LEM I too have seen your advice on lots of other threads, especially in the Doghouse where I like to lurk. You are one of the most helpful posters I have read. I couldn't not comment. I'm so sorry you feel like this and I really hope you feel better soon.