I don't know, I just have had it really - im toxic

[TheoriginalLEM]

I don't know what i want to say. I don't know what i want anyone to say really.

All those posters posting about toxic parents, toxic partners, life sucking friends - well that is me. I am that person.

I am dragging everyone down with me. Even my dogs FFS.

My DD came home from school yesterday sobbing but wouldnt say why. I called the school and her teacher explained that she was feeling lonely because her little friend was playing with someone else. She is in year 6 and is friendless. Then the teacher dropped the bombshell and my heart broke - "your dd is very anxious"

I thought i had managed to sheild her from it, from my poison but no - i've damaged her. Just as i damaged DD1. She is 25 now and thinking about getting counselling for anger issues I tried so hard for DD2, i had PND but i managed to be a good mummy, or so i thought. Obviously not - because my little girl is anxious.

It can only be because of me - i am anxious, im on medication - every fucking single day of my life i battle with it - that feeling in the pit of my stomach when i know - everything isn't ok. There will be something. A letter through the door, a phone call. Something.

Ive tried to take control, ive got a little job - well its turned into a full on job but not full time and not good money and not regular, apart from cleaning. Im happy when im there, i love my job but today i am sat her crying because i don't have any work today. Because i don't want to be here, on my own, in my shit hole of a house that i am ashamed of.

My DD has no friends because people don't like me, i don;t know why, i try to be nice, i try to help people, i think im one of those irritating people who try too much and just make people uncomfortable. So of course the play dates don't happen - I have asked a little girl next week because her teacher said she was kind to DD, but once her parents see where we live they wont want her to come again.

I am tired, i am tired of worrying about money constantly and having no control over it. DP isn't bringing enough in and i have tried to compensate by asking for as many hours at work that i can spare but of course i can't take hours from people. Now DP has an offer of some steady work (he is self employed) but it means i'll probably have to give up my job due to the fact he will have to start early and finish late.

I have no control over my life - but i NEED to feel i have something. I just feel like i am lurching from one disaster to another.

But none of that matters - what matters is that i have infected my children.

No point in going to the Dr, fucking useless.

Just need a kick up the bum really, your kind words are helping though.

Fucking anxiety, its just such hard work sometimes.

LEM, you are not toxic. Though I don't know you in RL, I have been on MN since 2006 and you've been here for ages giving great advice and support to people.

It's a bad day because your kid is sad and that is so painful. You're feeling for her. It will be better. I am sure if she had lovely friends and was happy, but felt anxious about some things you would feel better, but it is because she is sad right now. And when you are sad and bleak everything looks so awful. I know that feeling so well. But it is a feeling, not reality.

If you have some anxious genes, your kids probably do too, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. We can't protect them from everything, only teach to accept and not judge themselves in the way we can judge ourselves.

The only thing you can control is your actions. Sometimes feelings follow actions. Though it is overwhelming, can you do one thing in the house and I think you will feel better. This could be cleaning the front doorstep or washing the door down (I have been looking at my white PVC door and thinking it needs a good scrub, but not done it!), tidying up one room (front room?), not sorting, but just putting things into boxes/ piles to be sorted another day, just so it feels tidier for the time being...

My ds1 has friendship issues and they always affect me so deeply. Us, with the soft hearts, are pierced so deeply when our kids are in pain. I hope you can get through today and encourage yourself with a bit of productivity (she says, sitting in MN, need to preach to myself too!).

LEM, you are not toxic. Toxic is when you try to make out someone is mentally ill and lie and bully to get control of them and make yourself look/feel good.

Do not allow the old lie that having children with MH problems = a toxic parent. Ok, so no parents are perfect, and sometimes people have to get counselling to move forward with some aspect of growing up, or the parenting they (we) received. Forgiving ourselves and our parents is a part of that.. Truly toxic people try to prevent the people they hurt from getting counselling or other effective help.

Time and again you've posted things that have been encouraging and have kept me going, LEM.

LEM LEM LEM

I couldn't believe this was you writing this.

I don't know what to say except you have never sounded toxic on here.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

My DD is 16 and has had friendship issues all her life which have a hideous effect on me, but I think it has actually made her more resilient in that she does not rely on others so heavily but on her own strengths.

As I always say to myself, you come in to this world alone, and go out of it alone, so you just have to make the best of it along the way.

Actually, that sounds a bit depressing. Sorry!

Big hugs

Cleaning the front doorstep reminds me of those old pictures with the women in curlers and a headscarf making their doorsteps the shiniest on the street That made me smile.

House needs more than a doorstep polish. Feeling lazy today so i think doing the washing up and making a start on dinner is going to be my limit. Although i just text DP and asked him if i could help him at work, he hasn't answered (but this is most likely because he hasn't received the text due to him being in a bad area - i know my phone has no service there).

He replied and is coming to get me :) now i feel like a big wuss for not being able to be at home, but i need to be doing something. (the washing up will have to wait).

Of course the washing up can wait!
You are loved on here LEM. You are loved by your DP... Give him a cwtch from us all! :-)

Aww LEM my lovely, you've been around as long as I have, and I can hand on heart say that you are one of the nicest posters on here. I away read your posts, because I know they will be kind and thoughtful, and usually spot on.

You have NOT 'infected' your children. Y6 is a difficult year, they're coming up to transitioning to new schools, friendships can be very fluid, and frankly they are bags of raging hormones. Both of mine were exactly the same. And nobody worth knowing would judge you on your house/where you live/a job etc. Promise.

Take a deep breath, and look at how many of us have come on here to tell you we love you; they'll be plenty more too. Have you tried CBT at all? Anxiety meds? A different GP, lovely? There's help out there, don't give up

Glad your DP is coming to pick you up. The washing up can definitely wait.

Hope you are able to go out and do something fun.

Oh Lem you sound so very down

you aren't toxic lovely x

Oh LEM. I can sympathise wholeheartedly. I am in exactly the same place. I worry everyday that that I have 'infected' my DC. They are all very 'shy' and find it hard to keep friends, over and above general socialising at school. They don't have friends over and don't see any out of school no matter how much I try to encourage it and try to get them to engage in extra curricular activities. It is shit and makes me feel that my family is abnormal so I obsess about it. You are not alone.

You are NOT toxic to your DC, simply because you are care about them so stop telling yourself that you are! The very fact that you worry you are toxic shows you are not, toxic people don't care.

You are just struggling with awful mental distress. Anxiety is an absolute bastard as I know only too well.

As for finances, I can't even work at the moment at all, so you should be very proud of yourself that you can.

You have to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself. Do your best, that's all you can do.

Where do you think your self blame stems from?

I'm the most laid back person but my DS is an anxiety monster!

Don't beat yourself up - all children feel sad and insecure at times and friendships are always going to be up and down.

At the start of this year I made an effort to get my DS involved in sport outside school and other hobbies - his confidence has really grown and I'm glad I did it. You don't have to interact much with other parents, even an oddball like me can manage it :)

You are not toxic.

I will say this though (and I was an especially anxious teen/young adult - on beta blockers, Valium, and other meds as well as counselling), from the age of about 21 I decided I didn't want anxiety (which was hormone related too i think) to control me... And I made steps to deal with or cope with panic attacks etc. it was not easy and I did have set backs but I persevered and I rarely get anxious now, although I do do sometimes - more in the form of crying attacks after stress.

What I'm saying is your life doesn't need to be dictated to by anxiety. You have a job, family etc. do you have supportive friends, interests outside the home?

Re: your DD... maybe ask the school if they can offer counselling. My DS (also in Yr 6) is also a very anxious child, obsessive over his collections, and very picky about who he's going to trust enough to play with at break times. His school have an assigned counsellor for those children who need to talk - about anything. I know my DS utilises this frequently, whenever he feels it's all getting too much for him. Perhaps your DD's school does, too? If it doesn't... then maybe talk to your GP.

You haven't made her anxious, though.

You are not toxic.

As PP's have said, already, anxiety and depression can and does run in families. I was diagnosed as bipolar with severe GAD when I was 16, following two suicide attempts at 10 and 14. My 19 year old DD is currently awaiting diagnosis after years of being just like I was at her age, and me trying desperately to get our GP to help her (she threatened to kill herself a few weeks ago, but is merely "anxious" according to the GP). My 11 year old DS is, as I said above, very anxious (but I'm hoping that he's going to figure out coping mechanisms a lot quicker than his sister has... because we're still waiting for her to do so!). My father is also bipolar, his mother - in hindsight - probably was, too. My uncles are also chronically anxious, one had a nervous breakdown a few years ago, his daughter is also bipolar, one of his grandchildren is obsessively anxious, and my older brother has also recently been diagnosed as having depression and GAD.

It's a chemical imbalance in the brain which is not... I repeat not... your fault.

I'm also on Pregabalin - for neuropathy. I'm also on an old tricyclical AD. I still have days where, like you, I feel like I've destroyed my children's lives and they'd be better off without me. But, rationally, I know that's not true. Just as I know it's not true for you. Your DD needs you and, even when she's 60... she'll still need you, because you're her Mum and you love her.

That you love her and want what is best for her is very clear from your post. That, in itself, shows that you're not toxic. Please make sure that you have the support that you need, right now - not just from MN.

If you want to talk, then feel free to PM me. But please believe me - you are not toxic and you haven't made your DD feel or be anxious!

With regards to your dragging down your dog!, that reminds me of when we had a kitten. We all adored him and he was treated like a prince of cats. Then one day when he was 6 months old, he disappeared after he was let out accidentally by DD (who then blamed herself!). My crazy mind decided that he had run away because I wouldn't let him sleep on the beds (anxiety about germs) and that he must have hated living with us so it was all my fault. DC were devastated which just made it worse. I had already decided that I was a terrible mother, now I was a terrible cat owner too! I spent days leaflet dropping and nights prowling the neighbourhood with an open can of tuna calling him - neighbours must have thought I was bonkers (was pregnant too in my defence). Took me ages to get over it. I can laugh about it now at how much I blamed myself. Bloody anxiety!

Un- mumsnetty hug ...

You're not toxic. You're knackered and stressed and worried and upset. I tied myself in horrible knots identifying with my DSs' social ups and downs but it's important to keep telling your self that THEY AREN'T YOU and their experiences will be different to yours. I thought I'd hexed my eldest by being untidy/anti-social/slightly odd but he's 17 now and cheerful and popular with self confidence you could bend an iron bar round ...

All kids have friendship disasters - it's how they learn about negotiating relationships - it doesn't mean they won't ever have any mates! Please be kind to yourself and give yourself some room to breath. I know it's not for everyone but I found CBT got on top of my anxiety and has made a huge difference to how I see life - Your doctor can refer you - I wish I'd done it years ago!

Best of luck ...

As the others have said you cannot be toxic as you obviously care too much about your DD and you are doing a better job than you think. Preteen girls worry about everything and it could be nothing to do with you at all. Keep communications open with her and keep showing her love and understanding, this will help boost her confidence in herself. Perhaps you could try another GP as the right medication will help you see things in a more positive light. Be kind to yourself

I was that little girl in year 6. I had no friends whatsoever, was consistently bullied (up till year 10 actually) and was very anxious and depressed for a long time.

What I want to make very clear is, none of it was my mum's fault

I had a wonderful, loving upbringing from both parents who loved each other very much and who provided a safe and secure environment without overly mollycoddling me. Sometimes people are just the way they are... I guess it all comes down to the nature vs. nurture argument, but please don't think that you are toxic and affecting your daughter, because sometimes people just have a more anxious personality type and it's nobody's fault xxx

I have found this thread very interesting and there is lots of good advice on here, especially the medical stuff, which I have a feeling will be very helpful and would urge you to think about.

However I am going to take a different point of view to that, which I hope will be complementary rather than contradictory. There will be sniggering from people, there will no doubt be the odd sarcastic jibe, but I am going in. Bear with me.

To me it sounds like you have so many worries on the go that you almost don't know where to start tackling them. You sound like you struggle with a constant sense of unease and foreboding and would like to reduce that feeling.

A lot of people feel like that. Life is complex and difficult sometimes and nobody is without anxiety. So the question is how to balance life up so you feel better more of the time and anxious less of the time. Gaining a degree of control over your environment is one way to do this.

My different point of view, and I am fully expecting many MNetters to scoff at this as stated above, is to get a well-written book on Feng Shui and work through it. This is not because I have been overtaken by the spirit of woo and fairy dust and abandoned any scientific training I ever had. I am recommending this course of action for the following reasons:

1. It is basically applied psychology as applied to wellbeing.
2. It is structured and there is a certain comfort to be derived from applying the structure.
3. Working through the different steps means you are forced to think about what you really want in life, and act on it to some degree, so it can be a form of self-therapy.
4. It is actually quite fun once you get a handle on the main aspects of it.
5. It is an excuse to look at house porn.
6. You can ignore anything that seems too woo or difficult and your house will still look and feel better at the end, and your life will feel that bit easier.

Now to the scoffers, I know a leading astrophysicist (not Brian Cox, higher up the pecking order than The Brian) who has trained as a Feng Shui counsellor for exactly the reasons above (only he does it in a very mathematical way). He did my house for me and it was really interesting what changes were encouraged and how they actually worked. Things like swapping the kids' bedrooms around, using slightly different colours to maximise light, parking the cars in different places, and so on.

A good book to start with is Lilian Too's A Complete Illustrated Guide to Feng Shui and an easier one, if slightly less technical and accurate, is Sarah Surety's Feng Shui for your Home.

Now all the sceptical MNetters can scoff away.

From one anxious person to another - I understand the horrible, stomach dropping, dark, out of control sensation. The beating yourself up, and the awful concoction of sadness/fear/guilt. I actually think it is way, way more common than people realise.

But as everyone else has said, you're not toxic LEM. Toxic, is not caring enough. Anxious, is caring a lot. I wish I could shut it off. A 'fuck off anxiety' button would be awesome.

Anyway, no real advice from me, just understanding. I just try to do things like colouring, walking, reading, etc that I know help me to de-stress a bit. I hope today is a better day for you.

Just a quick message, haven't got time to read everything through. I also have an anxious daughter, currently year 8, tendency to have no friends. She has always been, as my mother put it chatting on the phone the other day, "highly strung".

By her own wish she has been at boarding school since she was 10 (long story, never part of our original plan!), and this has worked very well for her - but it hasn't changed her tendency to anxiety. Therefore it is NOT me that it causing it!! And similarly in your family, it is NOT YOU.

Look after yourself and keep doing your best for your children - that attempt is good enough, honestly.

Not scoffing Boffinmum sounds an interesting concept.

In a similar way I tackle my anxieties about life (of which they are many) by exercising control over what I can influence - in my case housework. Having a clean and tidy house, being on top of washing up/washing is of paramount importance to me. Knowing what is in my fridge and meals I am going to cook for the week etc. I feel as if controllable part of my life is okay then I can cope with the rest. Maybe odd but works for me.

You clearly are not toxic. You sounds like a kind and loving mother. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. Being strong isn't about never getting knocked down and knocked back, but about being able to pull yourself up and try again, it's about muddling through sometimes.

You've done a lot already. You got a job (that takes some doing). You've been good enough for them to want you more and give your more hours. You are caring for your family and giving them your love and attention as well.

Finally, some people are sensitive souls. I have one DD who never slept well from the start, easily cried, I often take her to the Dr for one complaint or another that the Dr just shrugs off, this DD worries a lot, gets over stimulated easily, had just one good friend all through primary school, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with her at all. I think it is just the way she is. She is super sensitive and feels everything a bit more than most of us. I love her just the way she is. She is creative and kind. I don't try to fix her. I don't think she is the way she is because I failed as a mother. The world needs all kinds of people and her personality has a lot of upsides. The older she gets and the more she understands and accepts herself the more content she is.