To be upset that I don't seem to fit in at my workplace?

[CleanaholicSpendaholic]

I have been in my current job for about 15 months. Everyone there is nice enough but I don't think they see me as part of the gang or particularly like me.

It is just small things such as being excluded from things like the Secret Santa planned for next month. Or not being asked to sign peoples' birthday cards. Or everyone just disappearing at lunch time to the cafe down the road and no one asking me if I want to go.

What is more hurtful too is a new member of staff started only a couple of weeks ago and she's been welcomed into the gang and is treated like an old friend.

About a month ago our boss rearranged our seating plan and put me in a small office with one other woman, who is also very much part of the gang. She's pleasant and polite enough but it's like she can't wait to get away from me. Today she was perched on the end of a desk in the main, larger office for a couple of hours. I feel isolated in the office just left on my own and hearing the others laughing loudly. Quite often if I've been to lunch I get back and she is back at her desk with 2 or 3 other colleagues in our office with her but they all exchange pleasantries with me once I'm back and go into their offices and she then follows shortly.

I have tried so hard to be friendly and to make an effort. I don't want to be best buddies with them all but I'd like to have 'work friends'. One of them is a similar age to me (the others are mostly younger) and said she wanted to take her kids to a place one weekend and I said mine would like to go there too and perhaps we could go together and she looked like she'd been sucking lemons and just said nothing.

I know the answer is to not care but how do I do this? How do I stop giving a shit about whether people at work like me or not?

I would look for a job somewhere else. You don't want to feel like you're hack in the school playground.

I just feel like I've failed if I leave :( Like there's something wrong with me that makes people dislike me even though logically I know it's not that.

They sound awful. People can eat lunch with whom they like, but what the hell is with the Secret Santa and birthday cards thing? Dreadful.

Did you perhaps replace a popular employee who'd been sacked? Not that it excuses this behaviour!

Why is someone being paid to perch on a desk for hours? Sounds bonkers.

I have that too. My face doesn't fit. They can go fuck themselves.

I know they can eat lunch with who they like but it's pretty hurtful when all the others go off together and don't invite me. There are loads of them, surely one more wouldn't hurt.

It's tricky. Work is work and it sounds like everyone is working with you but just not making friends with you. It would be different if they were making trouble and you couldn't perform your job. I suppose I'm unusual in that I always think of the people I work with as colleagues and not friends as it can lead to conflicts of interest.

(I must admit I'd be a bit shocked if a colleague tried to invite herself and DC along on an outing with me and my DC.)

So my advice would be so separate your work and home lives. Work is your job, your friends are for socialising and having fun with.

I didn't try and invite myself along, I just suggested meeting there. It was only a play place, not a holiday or silver service meal

Sorry cleanaholic I misinterpreted.

i think they sound quite mean. but really the only way to get on is to treat them like colleagues / professionally. they clearly don't want to be friends so don't even try.

and i would start looking around for something else. life is too short to be miserable most of the time.

i agree, ask your line manager quietly what it is.

My line manager would probably just laugh. He's not particularly supportive about things like that and is actually quite friendly with them all so not sure what he'd do.

No, not socially or culturally different at all.

I've been in a similar situation in the past, I worked in a place where everyone seemed like such good friends, used to socialise together etc. I used to have a laugh and get along with everyone but there was just something about me that obviously didn't 'fit' and I knew I was seen as an outsider. I left when I had my DS and now I'm in a workplace where everyone is lovely and we are all good friends, so I know it wasn't anything hideously wrong with my personality or anything.

I also recently worked with a lady who also used to work for my previous employer, in a different section, and said that the same thing happened to her. She hated it and thought everyone was awful, so please don't think it's anything you're doing wrong.

And yes the leaving someone out of things like secret Santa isn't on. If that's the 'thing' in the office then everyone should be included. And a word with your line manager might well help.

But I've observed the dangers of office 'best buddies' when people get promoted or even end up managing a 'friend'. It can make things very awkward. Best keep things separate IMO, really.

Yes I do try to treat them like colleagues but it's quite upsetting just sitting there on your own for hours knowing people have gone off elsewhere to avoid you.

I was bullied at school and I feel like that bullied 14 year old again. Excluded and no idea why.

Fuck them OP, they are obviously missing out.

I'd look for something else.

I've been in this situation and for some odd, bizarre reason, your face doesn't fit. And it never will. The Queen Bee has determined it so.

Move on. I know work friends don't have to be your best bosom buddies but you spend a lot of time at work, excluding you from Secret Santa and birthday card signing is just mean and quite cruel IMO.

Once you find a new job I'd confront them and say DIRECTLY 'Why don't you like me?".

Just to make them squirm.

Bloody people!

They actually all are quite horrible. It's one thing to go off for lunch, but another to leave you out of the secret Santa. How awful when they're exchanging gifts to be passed over that way.
I see your manager is useless, not sure what else you could do except try look for another job. However just not to carry the problem to another job, could you try find out from one team member if there is an issue?

Oh, that sounds rubbish.
Do you make friends easily outside of work? They do sound pretty mean

Yes, I find making friends outside of work really easy. Never really had any problems there, apart from at school of course.

Leaving you out of the secret Santa, and swerving the farewell cards away from you seems incredibly hurtful.

I don't have any advice (other than leave), but couldn't read and not post. It's not about you, I know you know that, and it doesn't really help any, but it's them and this particular dynamic. Please don't take it personally.

i dont fit in at work really....i feel im tolerated......but my motto is 'im there to work, not to be popular'.....they are work people, not friends.....i got enough friends thanks....i didnt pick them to work with me, and they didnt pick me.....they sound awful, but remember you are at work....if it was me and they asked me to lunch now i would say 'no thanks'...cant understand why someones sat chatting on someone elses desk when they should be working!

Please understand that i am asking the following question for the purpose of ruling it out. Do you smell?

No I don't smell. I shower twice a day, wear deodorant, clean clothes every day, clean hair every day. Just no....

They sound vile. In the nicest possible way I'd ask you to come for lunch regardless of whether or not I liked you.

I hate that kind of behaviour.
Just really bad form to leave one person out of a secret santa.

And I like it when colleagues suggest meeting up with kids etc

Hope it gets better