Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be upset that I don't seem to fit in at my workplace?

124 replies

CleanaholicSpendaholic · 04/11/2015 18:37

I have been in my current job for about 15 months. Everyone there is nice enough but I don't think they see me as part of the gang or particularly like me.

It is just small things such as being excluded from things like the Secret Santa planned for next month. Or not being asked to sign peoples' birthday cards. Or everyone just disappearing at lunch time to the cafe down the road and no one asking me if I want to go.

What is more hurtful too is a new member of staff started only a couple of weeks ago and she's been welcomed into the gang and is treated like an old friend.

About a month ago our boss rearranged our seating plan and put me in a small office with one other woman, who is also very much part of the gang. She's pleasant and polite enough but it's like she can't wait to get away from me. Today she was perched on the end of a desk in the main, larger office for a couple of hours. I feel isolated in the office just left on my own and hearing the others laughing loudly. Quite often if I've been to lunch I get back and she is back at her desk with 2 or 3 other colleagues in our office with her but they all exchange pleasantries with me once I'm back and go into their offices and she then follows shortly.

I have tried so hard to be friendly and to make an effort. I don't want to be best buddies with them all but I'd like to have 'work friends'. One of them is a similar age to me (the others are mostly younger) and said she wanted to take her kids to a place one weekend and I said mine would like to go there too and perhaps we could go together and she looked like she'd been sucking lemons and just said nothing.

I know the answer is to not care but how do I do this? How do I stop giving a shit about whether people at work like me or not?

OP posts:

TheBitchOfDestiny · 04/11/2015 20:18

what twats

another poster posted something similar the other week......what is with with grown adults acting like they are in the fucking playground

I literally have no idea what their problem is but I would say just smile do your job and fuck what they think. aww op am so angry on your behalf

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/11/2015 20:18

OP this sounds awful. They sound mean, immature and downright bullying to me. The lunch thing on its own I could maybe overlook but the cards and Secret Santa are completely unacceptable.

Hope you can find a lovely new job with kind inclusive colleagues.

shinynewusername · 04/11/2015 20:22

Italiangreyhound's advice is well-intended but, I'm afraid, terrible - sorry Italian - but you have admitted you wouldn't actually take it yourself

You cannot MAKE people include you socially. Doing any of the things that Italian suggests will just make you seem desperate & frankly a bit mad, which is hardly going to help.

I know it's really hurtful, OP, but I think this sort of situation just happens sometimes - you don't gel. I change workplaces every 6 months or so because of the nature of my job. 90% of the time, I get on really well with colleagues, but 10% of the time, we just don't click. I'm the same person, doing the same job, but somehow the dynamic is wrong.

You can tough it out if you want, but personally I'd go for a fresh start. There is simply no way - short of donating them a kidney or saving their firstborn's life - to make people like you if they have decided not to. Sorry.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/11/2015 20:24

I had one place I worked like that. It was odd because it hasn't happened before or since & I never really worked out why.

Can you enjoy your lunchtime alone (I do like being alone - it's a rare treat) & just do what you have to? Maybe someone else will join who you gel with? Otherwise change job. As soon as I switched jobs I was back into being part of the work gang.

TheBitchOfDestiny · 04/11/2015 20:26

op just a thought but are you very young and pretty?

i know this will get me flamed but this used to happen to me in every job i was in between 18 and 25 and more serious bullying / harassment....used to get me down, i ended up having a nervous breakdown. my friends and my dp at the time used to say it was because people were jealous of me but i never believed it and could never see why

however looking back i was a bit of a stunner when i was young, sorry if that's big headed but its true. WAS true, sadly :D

Original poster

CleanaholicSpendaholic · 04/11/2015 20:27

I feel as soon as someone new starts they are welcomed into the gang and they too ostracise me a little bit. They fall over themselves ingratiating themselves to the others but are dismissive towards me.

OP posts:

Tartyflette · 04/11/2015 20:29

They sound about 14. They're a clique, and they like being a clique. It makes them feel superior and excluding someone else reinforces this -- they're the 'in crowd', the popular girls, the fun people.
It's not about you, really, they exclude people to maintain their importance and exclusivity. You're better than they are, OP.

PurpleTreeFrog · 04/11/2015 20:37

*wizzywig

Maybe you are so gorgeous and they feel threatened by it*

and

*TheBitchOfDestiny

op just a thought but are you very young and pretty?*

Sadly this stereotype has often been true in my experience.

I usually get excluded at work as I'm younger than nearly everyone else. It's actually been a relief to join a "younger" team now as people do include me a bit more. Although it's not just about age but overall diversity of different cultures, aget, genders etc. that I've noticed creates a much nicer atmostphere as you don't end up with such a homogeneous group with one 'outsider'.

I used to have colleagues yakking away about what they watched on TV the night before, I'd try and politely join in and they would literally go silent, stop the conversation and turn back to their desks!

FortyFacedFuckers · 04/11/2015 20:38

Is there one that is nicer than the rest that you could start chatting to? I often find in these situations if you become friendly one person the rest of the group quickly accepts you.

TendonQueen · 04/11/2015 20:44

They sound really unpleasant. However, I do think some of Italian's advice is worth taking. They should not be able to get away with deliberately leaving you out of the secret Santa and I would call them on that and say 'what's going on with the secret Santa?' It's not about trying to make them like you now, it's about calling out bad behaviour while you find another job and go somewhere better. In the meantime, I would not do anything for any of them you didn't have to - I don't mean neglect your job, but I wouldn't do any of them any kind of favour or indeed anything unnecessary that they asked for at all. Shut them down. Look forward to leaving.

amarmai · 04/11/2015 20:46

cliques have to have an outsider for the rest to be insiders. As to why you- no real reason . Brainstorming comes up with jealousy, envy, you're younger, fitter, better looking, better dressed, have more style, upper class accent, etc BTW i think the Queen Bee is the one in the office with you as her behaviour is outrageous. The whole thing amounts to a harrassment suit IMO. Try that on your manager after you find a better job.

amarmai · 04/11/2015 20:49

I'd be calling the Heathers in my mind . Have you seen the movie ?

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2015 20:50

Shiny...

Italiangreyhound's advice is well-intended but, I'm afraid, terrible - sorry Italian - but you have admitted you wouldn't actually take it yourself I would like to take it but not sure I would have the gumption to.

Re *
You cannot MAKE people include you socially. Doing any of the things that Italian suggests will just make you seem desperate & frankly a bit mad, which is hardly going to help.*

Fair point. I suppose I am secretly hoping once they get to know you they would be nice, but maybe if they are shits, that is just it, and not worth knowing.... I just feel it is so unfair.... but as you were OP, if my advice stinks... so be it!

I take back my advice but I still think you should look for a new job.

TheBitchOfDestiny re op just a thought but are you very young and pretty? I was wondering this I worked at a place when i was young and pretty (a long time ago) the female bos mde friends with two women, one quite a lot older and one very overweight, she was pretty mean to everyone else. The boss was not especially older or overweight but I really felt she felt threatened by anyone younger, prettier, better educated etc. She also disliked all the men. It was a long time ago but I can remember her talking on the phone to a friend and telling them how I, her employee, had put on weight! Nowadays that would not be accepted.

Bitch I am sure you were a stunner, and I am sorry about the bullying ad breakdown.

whirlybird42 · 04/11/2015 20:50

They sound a right bunch of witches.

Move on, unless you're in the kind of specialist area where you can't. This wouldn't be tolerated where I am. It's classic bullying and I'm sorry you're on the receiving end. Sadly, if your boss is colluding, I'd get out for your sanity. Y

IonaNE · 04/11/2015 20:52

Being in an office with just one person who likes to be elsewhere for long periods would be right next to winning the lottery on my list! (Open plan here.) I would enjoy the opportunity to be alone, OP, and otherwise, as someoe else has said: work is work, you go there to get money to pay the bills - the rest does not matter.

Northernpowerhouse · 04/11/2015 20:54

We have a newish ( 4 months) lady in the small friendly office i work in. She has got peoples backs up because

She talks non-stop often asking personal intrusive questions

Wanted to re-organise the seating within 2 days of starting.

Constantly suggesting ways we could improve - although skilled in other areas (from which she was made redundant) she is actually in a training role.

Is always trying to organise big dramatic social events( again not her role) when we generally don't socialise much and even then it's low key.

I can see that she is trying really really hard but tbh she has misjudged her audience. If she had only kept a low profile and got to know us gradually it would have been fine.

She will probably be starting a thread here soon.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 04/11/2015 20:56

I've had this at work...and it's definitely not me because in previous jobs i got on really well with people. In my case the industry (retail) didn't suit me - too much bitching and I think a lot of it was caused by the management style of the organisation (i notice a previous poster mentioned m&s...interesting!)

Anyway..it's not you, fuck 'em and work on getting the hell out of there

whirlybird42 · 04/11/2015 21:00

M&s was horrific for bitchiness ime too. Worst place I've worked for that. I got away unscathed but some people had a rotten time.

tekeo · 04/11/2015 21:00

I've had this before and I would say leave. You're not a failure. I left my job and now I'm working with a team of lovely people. We get on well and I enjoy working with them. I think back at the bullies I used to work with and couldn't care less about them now.
Good luck

spankhurst · 04/11/2015 21:08

I was in a situation like you in my first job after uni. It's shit and a subtle form of bullying imo.

GigiB · 04/11/2015 21:09

I'm sorry you are in this situation as it sounds like a playground not a professional environment, i would have expected at least someone in the 'gang' would be sensitive enough to realise they are being unpleasant. As they haven't then they probably aren't really worth socialising with, as the friendship would always be complicated.
Sounds like you have 3 choices.

look for another job
ignore it, do your job then leave it behind at the end of the day
address it. Many ways to do this e.g. asking a few of them directly if the secret santa is open to all, or using this as an example for your boss.

Hope it improves for you.

Original poster

CleanaholicSpendaholic · 04/11/2015 21:09

Northernpowerhouse, I have done none of those things, definitely not like the lady in your office at all.

If I was, I could perhaps understand why I am treated like this.

OP posts:

Atenco · 04/11/2015 21:13

cliques have to have an outsider for the rest to be insiders. As to why you- no real reason

I hope you can find another job, OP. This has happened to a lot of us at different times in our lives and it is definitely not you.

I was a substitute teacher in a school once where the entire class of seven-year-old picked on this one boy, who was absolutely lovely. I realised afterwards that the head teacher was a bully and this had permeated all the way down through the school.

RoboticSealpup · 04/11/2015 21:16

I've had this. I decided not to care and was just polite to everyone but kept my distance. Three years later they all loved me and I got a fucking hero's farewell party when I left. No idea what happened. Time, I think. But I had it much easier because I worked in a satellite office for most of the week with just one other person who was also unpopular and we got on well.

My advice would be to keep your dignity and keep a low profile. No way would I try to get that bunch of cliquey sadcases to like me. It wouldn't work anyway and you would end up feeling like a fraud because you tried to be nice to people you don't even like. I would probably leave if I were you.

Wagglebees · 04/11/2015 21:17

They sound like a shitty clique.

I liked Italian's advice. but then I always do You don't have to do it in an in your face kind of way, just in a reminding them you're there way. Especially in regards to secret Santa and cards. I wouldn't have the balls to ask about lunch.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5