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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I don't seem to fit in at my workplace?

124 replies

CleanaholicSpendaholic · 04/11/2015 18:37

I have been in my current job for about 15 months. Everyone there is nice enough but I don't think they see me as part of the gang or particularly like me.

It is just small things such as being excluded from things like the Secret Santa planned for next month. Or not being asked to sign peoples' birthday cards. Or everyone just disappearing at lunch time to the cafe down the road and no one asking me if I want to go.

What is more hurtful too is a new member of staff started only a couple of weeks ago and she's been welcomed into the gang and is treated like an old friend.

About a month ago our boss rearranged our seating plan and put me in a small office with one other woman, who is also very much part of the gang. She's pleasant and polite enough but it's like she can't wait to get away from me. Today she was perched on the end of a desk in the main, larger office for a couple of hours. I feel isolated in the office just left on my own and hearing the others laughing loudly. Quite often if I've been to lunch I get back and she is back at her desk with 2 or 3 other colleagues in our office with her but they all exchange pleasantries with me once I'm back and go into their offices and she then follows shortly.

I have tried so hard to be friendly and to make an effort. I don't want to be best buddies with them all but I'd like to have 'work friends'. One of them is a similar age to me (the others are mostly younger) and said she wanted to take her kids to a place one weekend and I said mine would like to go there too and perhaps we could go together and she looked like she'd been sucking lemons and just said nothing.

I know the answer is to not care but how do I do this? How do I stop giving a shit about whether people at work like me or not?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/11/2015 19:25

It's horrible feeling left out like this. I'd start looking round for another job. They don't sound very nice people at all.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 04/11/2015 19:25

You know what, I think eddie and library are right. I'd like to think that your colleagues aren't actually avoiding you, but being thoughtless. But whatever the reason the result is that you're being made miserable. And we spend too many hours st work to feel that way.

Is your job the type that you could switch organisations without too much difficulty? You might find that somewhere else has a culture that suits you better. (I worked for 3 pharma companies and in the first the culture was awful to bordering on bullying. The others were fine).

amazonqueen · 04/11/2015 19:27

Ive had similar in a temporary position and it was just horrible.

I know we dont go to work to meet friends but it does make the day go smoother if you can have a laugh and a joke every so often.Its a long old day if its all slog.

I wouldnt suggest approaching anyone with a view to them making it all better and you for you to start being in with the in crowd. I would either make one friend -go very slowly and just chat in the toilets or kitchen about work first-and then make that person your focus for friendly work chat.

Or leave

I left and it was a great feeling. A PP said that if the queen Bee has decided you are not to be included then it will be so and until she leaves it will never be so. Perhaps you made a huge faux pas on your first day ( I did ) but were so stupid you didnt even realise or apologise - thus making you persona non grata ( great mixture of languages there eh?). You may never know what it was or is that excludes you but unless it happens everywhere you go its them not you.

QueenLaBeefah · 04/11/2015 19:28

They sound like a bunch of arseholes.

That being said there is a lot to be said for not getting too friendly with work colleagues as it always seems to end in tears.

ExtraBlessings · 04/11/2015 19:32

YANBU. I think most people would find this really upsetting.

Is there anyone at all that seems kind of approachable? Could you have a little chat and say you'd like to be a bit more included. If they are just being thoughtless it might make them reflect and pull their socks up a bit.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. All the best.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/11/2015 19:33

In all honesty, I think the only thing you can do now is to laugh at the situation. I mean, really, they're a bit pathetic, aren't they?

Be breezy, smile, say a cheery good morning, and just genuinely do not give a hoot about them.

Have an ever so slightly obvious chuckle to yourself and bemused head shake when they do something unkind.

Glide past them all, and look as if you're in on some kind of secret.

Honestly, they're the sad cases, not you. Have a laugh - at least privately to yourself about them.

And keep a close eye on the job listings so that you can get out of here as soon as possible.

redexpat · 04/11/2015 19:34

Ugh yes that is demoralising and puzzling. It sounds as if you just dont fit, which is annoying as theres nothing really anyone can do about it. Id update your cv and start seeing whats available elsewhere.

Dualta · 04/11/2015 19:40

The problem is not you, it sounds like a classic clique/playground behaviour. Very disappointing that the group are quite happy to noticeably exclude someone else.
Everyone needs a friend at work and to feel excluded is a horrible sensation that nobody should have to endure.
It sounds like there is a very unhealthy culture in the place.
Is there anyone else on the fringe or who doesnt buy into it all? Anyone sound at all?
If not i second previous posters, just leave.
Its not your job to make people like you, its everyones job to behave like adults.

justmyview · 04/11/2015 19:40

It is just small things such as being excluded from things like the Secret Santa planned for next month. Or not being asked to sign peoples' birthday cards. That's not small things, that's mean

In my previous office, a new colleague asked if we disliked her because she felt excluded. We were mortified and felt really guilty. Honest answer was-

(1) she came from an environment where there was a far more laid back / chatty relaxed atmosphere, whereas we were accustomed to a stricter / you're here to work atmosphere

(2) we chatted to our friends at lunch time and expected to get to know the new girl gradually, which is how it had been for us.

We were really upset to feel that she felt unwelcome. It certainly wasn't our intention

TheCraicDealer · 04/11/2015 19:42

I understand why this is so upsetting, it must be hard to have these little things crop up so regularly and which would seem really petty if you complained about it. But it's the cumulative effect where you just don't feel they've made room for you, aside from a fucking desk which no one sits on.

It's not a failure to look for something else. You don't like the culture of the workplace and that's fine. Life is too short to spend eight or nine hours a day with people who can't be bothered to extend common courtesy towards you.

wizzywig · 04/11/2015 19:48

You dont work at m&s do you? Thats what they are like over there

ivykaty44 · 04/11/2015 19:49

Tbh I don't think I would want to be friends with a group of people that particularly leave someone out. They are mean spirited ehy would you want to be liked by that sort

Aeroflotgirl · 04/11/2015 19:50

Op they sound nasty, it's a form of bullying, being excluded, or treated less favourably than your other colleagues. They are the problem, not you. You might find others in the company feel the same way. I woukd look for another job, keep this once meanwhile, but keep your options open.

wizzywig · 04/11/2015 19:51

Maybe you are so gorgeous and they feel threatened by it

clippityclop · 04/11/2015 19:51

You sound lovely, they sound nasty and you deserve to be treated better. Would it be tricky to find other work, what profession are you in?

juneau · 04/11/2015 19:52

I would leave. Life is too short to work somewhere like this. Your colleagues sound spiteful and mean. At work you should be impartial and try to get along with everyone. Excluding one person is not only unprofessional, its mean-spirited. Don't feel like a failure. They're the failures.

jemimavintage · 04/11/2015 19:53

Ohhh, this is also the story of my life... You're right, the answer is to try to 'care less'....and know that, it's not just you. After decades spent trying to 'fit in'..for my own sake and for my daughters sake... it really didn't happen for me, so I stopped trying, and concentrated on the things I liked and I wanted to do. It DOES make one appear to be a bit of a 'billynomates' but for me, that's way better than being a sheep.

People can be so horrible.. One example from YEARS back: I worked for a company who paid for a group of girls to go to Ladies Day at Ascot. I was only.......22 at the time (I'm now 47). I was SO excited to go and to be invited along with the group. When we got there, they all disappeared and left me literally all alone, at the racecourse with no-one to hang out with. I had to attempt to join in with the women from another company who were sharing our hospitality tent - one of whom must have sensed the situation and felt sorry for me.. At the end of the day, the car came to collect us.....my companies group of girls didn't even ask whether I'd had a good day or not... I had to travel all the way back with them laughing and joking about what they'd been doing. Soon as I got out of the cab, I cried my heart out. I've never ever forgotten that day - but I do now kinda laugh about it....and just think to myself 'ah well, I'm just not meant to be part of the girl gang.....so what...'. There's just something a teeny weeny special about me and my vibe...that people can't seem relate to properly? That makes me special..

J

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/11/2015 19:53

There isnt like an alpha worker is there? Some strong personality, who's taken a dislike to you for some reason and has swayed the rest.

JeepersMcoy · 04/11/2015 19:57

It's not a failure to change jobs because the one you have just doesn't fit. I recently left a job for a similar reason and they weren't nearly as mean as your lot.

Fitting into a workplace is important, I think it is often not something you have done but just a different personality.

All the people in my last job were very nice I just didn't fit in. It wasn't anyone's fault and there was no fixing it, it was just how it was. You can't always get on with everyone.

TheCraicDealer · 04/11/2015 19:59

Yy to jemima. You can either try to "care less" (which few people can really manage, in all honesty), or you can find a better job, on more money with less arseholes and skip off in the knowledge you've left a packet of opened prawns taped under the back of several of their desks. What's it to be?

jemimavintage · 04/11/2015 20:07

Agreed craicdealer, it is very difficult to care-less.. For me it's taken many many years and a fair bit of soul searching about the meaning of life and such. Lol....bit heavy for a wednesday. But we simply cannot let those clique-y types get the better of us.

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2015 20:15

CleanaholicSpendaholic I am really sorry this sounds crap.

I would start looking for another job and I would most DEFINITELY NOT think that it was any kind of failure! I would make sure my boss knew exactly why I was leaving too.

But before it gets to that I would (I am afraid I would want to because I am a bit bolshy!) try inserting myself into their shenanigams and see where it got me. Please only do this if you feel strong enough for rejection but if you were looking for another job it may not be so hard to bear knowing you are leaving, and if it gets better before you leave you could always stay! Grin

Examples would be....

As people are heading out to lunch just ask if you can join them. The may say no which is really rude and unpleasant and I would note that down to tell the boss. YES people can eat with whomever they want, of course, and if it were just a small group of two or three I would respect their privacy and they may be discussing someone's operation or baby or private matter, but a whole gang of them they should welcome you. Because work is work and a lunch break is just that, not some major social exploit, IMHO!

I would ask the Secret Santa organiser who you were getting for Secret Santa, but do be aware if they are super determined to be mean they might get you to buy for someone else and not buy for you (note that to tell boss when you leave). If they are going to be shitty they should be called out on it!

Lastly, if someone is leaving, stride into the office and ask where 'Gillian/Ben/Toby/Beatrice's card has got to as you have not signed it yet.

All these things do require a degree of gumption and in your shoes I may well not have the gumption to do it! But this is what I would like to do!

If this all seems too much, pick the nicest, pleasantest of the office gang and speak to her/him privately about these issues in a friendly manor - not 'why aren't I invited - but I'd like to join you all for lunch next time you go, and just see what they say.

Also, if there are other members of the office who are not in the gang, why not befriend them.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck.

jemimavintage hugs to your, those work colleagues from 25 years ago sound crap.

waitingforsomething · 04/11/2015 20:16

Op it sounds like playground bullying - pathetic. I would also be hurt by this behaviour and it sounds like they are deliberately excluding you for no good reason.
I would also look for a new job; life's too short and it will get to you more and more.

Italiangreyhound · 04/11/2015 20:17

manner not manor!

Ivegotnothing · 04/11/2015 20:17

Most definitely not your fault. In my first workplace (many, many years ago), I tried overly hard to join in. It was a big place and I put in all the small group birthday collections (some I couldn't afford), signed every card, etc. and actually thought I was 'in' those groups. When it came to my 18th I realised no one had even asked when my birthday was and I was only saved from utter mortification by a distant relative who worked there who had put out a general card and collection (the kind where you put pennies in because you couldn't remember who they were). That lesson stuck with me (after some tears at home)...sometimes you just have to go to work for the money. Hang in there if you need to, but don't let it get you down. And Jemima I have been in that sort of situation - at least it makes us 'rescue' others when we see it happening, it's not all bad.