"You're a big heavy girl"

[0utForAWalkBitch]

My mum says this to my two year old all the time when lifting her. I absolutely know it's not meant maliciously, but I remember her saying the same thing to me as a child and developing a terrible complex about my weight as a result (other factors probably at play with me though, my dad was very vocal about weight, whereas me and my husband never mention it). She only sees my mum every few months due to distance but has started talking about being a "heavy girl" to me when I lift her, even when my mum isn't there.

AIBU to ask my mum not to say this? I don't want to make a big deal of it if I'm projecting my own emotions a bit too much maybe. What do you think? I think mentioning it will upset my mum which I don't want to do, but likewise I don't want my daughter growing up being told she's heavy when she is not!

You're missing the point, dear!

It's good to get a wee bit of perspective, which is why I posted here before talking to my mum. I'm glad I did, because I do think I've obviously been projecting my own dislike of the comment (in conjunction with my dad's continuous and rather more searing comments about me), creating a situation that, for my daughter in absence of my dad's comments, is not a reality. I would agree that, in isolation, calling someone heavy is not an insult.

To the PP who described sitting on someone's knee with feet on floor to seem less heavy, YES, I totally did this, and would have been upset if I'd been told I was heavy.

brood I don't think I am, dear!

I would be tempted to mention it to your mum TBH. It obviously had an impact on you.

How about responding to your DD with "well you ARE 2 and a half! Aren't you getting grown up!" I remember when you were a tiny baby and now you can even dress yourself / eat your dinner with a fork / etc etc

See I think "heavy" is used negatively.

It's not a good thing for a girl to be heavy, is it? If some describes a female as "heavy", it's not a compliment.

facepalm

Context, people. Context.

Who goes around regularly lifting up size 24 22 year olds? Anyone?

goodnight

I do think it's rude to call anyone heavy really. It's like pointing out and commenting on size or weight. Rude on every level.

If course we all say things like this without thinking but to keep saying this phrase to a child could possibly plant a little rootlet of being overweight.

I wouldn't have thought this either with my sons until I had 2 dds. They are teens and have always been very body aware. Definatly bring called 'heavy' would have been seen as a negative thing.

I'm offended by "little rootlet". That's upsetting for big roots.

She's very young.
The context is in the context of being picked up.
Yes, to call a teen "heavy" can certainly be taken as offensive, because it's not in the context of growing / picking up / becoming a "big (adult) girl".

I say again: context.

Only on mn can heavy be made into a problem!!

When I was about 9 my family were playing by a pool. An older relative was picking up the children and throwing them into the pool, me, an 8 year old cousin, my 7 year old sister, and a few younger ones.

I got thrown once, and then refused for being too heavy. I had to watch everyone else play and have fun.

That was in the context of picking up. I was still devastated, and took it as a very negative comment on my size. As pp said, from then I wouldn't sit on laps, join in any physical games, because I felt like an elephant.

One comment can be forgotten. When something is said repeatedly, you start to think it's true. Especially as a child when adults are god.

So you, as the oldest and therefore likely largest, were told you were heavier than the other younger / smaller siblings? Do you not see why that might be?

I'm sorry that was hurtful for you, but again, it was in the context of being picked up and you were at an age where you were getting "old" / "big" to be picked up, even by an adult.

I too think it is the context and your memories that are the issue.

It is really interesting about perceptions of the the sexes of children and words like heavy and concepts of size. I work with small babies and when we talk about them I have noticed that parents use words like 'heavy, big' for baby boys all the time and view them as positive but avoid using words like that for girls. They use words like 'tiny' for girls and use them positively. It starts that early and it is alarming...so I always remark on a gorgeous chunky thigh or a tiny little pixie-like face regardless of sex of the baby.

It is stupid anyway as the amount of 6ft rugby-type dads I have met who were tiny 5lbs babies is huge as is the 5ft mums who were 10lbs.

OP- are you being just a bit well, dim here?
Your mum is saying she is heavy to lift. Not that she is overweight. Your child is a baby almost- just a toddler. How the heck do you think a 2 yr old is going to interpret her gran's comment? I can assure you that she will not think about it in any other way other than gran is a weakling who complains when she lifts her up. If you are so obsessed with the possible inferences around this then seriously you need help through counselling or whatever, because yes, you are projecting a whole load of crap you feel onto a child.

I would ask you mum to stop saying it - and I would stop talking about it myself

Pollyperky, perhaps abusing the OP might be counterproductive? I'd say you also have a lot of baggage in this and other area.

polly what a mean comment.

goodnight are you a big heavy root though?

Always that's a bit silly though isn't it. Aibu is about discussion and just because it's not a negative comment to you doesn't mean you are right and the op wrong. only on mumsnet done to death.

2 year old children are like sponges for information. She may not be upset about it at that age, but she may well (especially if repeated) remember the phrase or implication of the phrase that, "YOU - ARE - a - BIG - HEAVY - girl".

It's hardly a compliment is it! And it's complete bollocks! It's transference of blame from the person doing the lifting, to the person being lifted. It's hideous!

And while it may not affect her in the slightest, short term or long term, it just might have a serious detrimental effect.

This kind of thought, implanted from an early age, nearly killed my sister and my dp.

Why risk it?

Please tell her to stop doing it!

Why do you attribute "blame" to a statement of fact? The gran isn't saying "I'm really strong but YOU'RE SO HEAVY". She's saying the child is heavy for her to lift. It's no one's fault and no fault is implied. You're projecting.

Honestly, would you all be feeling this way if she were saying "You're so light", or is this just something that people are sensitive about in regards to being overweight?

The gran is making an innocent remark that some people are choosing to read into. As long as the OP's child doesn't have people around her saying she's fat, I really do fail to see how this situation can spiral into a lifelong eating disorder.

Adults comment on all aspects of children's growth and behaviour from an early age. Are they supposed to say nothing in case one repeated comment results in them growing up with a complex about their cheekbones, hair colour, height, shoe size, favourite colour etc etc?

What about praising a child for using the potty "like a big boy"? Is that going to make the child feel fat? Will he associate urination with being fat and therefore develop a UTI by holding it in, in case the act of urination makes him fatter?

It IS a compliment. It was a compliment for mine. Who are made of lead. They were the sort of babies that friends picked up and said 'Jesus Christ!' and everyone else wandered over to have a go, and compare them to their own.
Heavy in a baby and toddler is a grand thing. It means they are healthy, growing appropriately, and will soon be too heavy for grandparents to lift. They are growing up. It's fabulous to be heavy as a baby and toddler!

My three are now strapping teenagers. Still made of lead. (Well, two are, the third, is a bit wimpy ). They are all powerful, definite human beings who use their strong healthy bodies for sport, and have capable well nourished minds.

Two year olds are heavy for people to pick up. They absolutely should be. It's a thing to celebrate. Grinning from ear to ear and saying 'I should think so! You are two now!' is absolutely comment enough.

I look forward to exclaiming how heavy my grandchildren are getting, and celebrating their growth.

I wouldn't make an issue of it at all.

You barely see her, it's not as if your daughter is hearing it all the time.

blueshoes so just because I disagree with someone you think I have baggage. What an odd presumption.

The OP has been told many times here and it is AIBU!!- that she is projecting. if she persists in not 'getting' it then it begs the question I asked.

Now go away with your silly presumptions please. And don't use strike outs because they don't actually negate the comment.

Polly have you read any of my follow up posts? Maybe try that before accusing me of being dim. There's no need to be a cow about it but if it makes you feel superior then go on ahead but I'd suggest it might be you needs the counselling in that case.

ANYWAY.

The thread has become a bit of a bun fight so, having come to the conclusion pretty early on in the thread that I was being a bit unreasonable (yet still being accused of being "dim" four pages in), I am bowing out!

Thank you to those who posted helpful comments.

If you post in AIBU you need to be prepared for some comments. This is not usually a fluffy forum and I only asked if you understood the comments as you see to be ignoring rather a lot of them.

Why do you attribute "blame" to a statement of fact? The gran isn't saying "I'm really strong but YOU'RE SO HEAVY". She's saying the child is heavy for her to lift. It's no one's fault and no fault is implied. You're projecting.

It's the way it was worded. And it's the way my in-laws (MIL and GMIL to be precise) say it.

I can't of course know the precise tone in which OP's mum spoke so perhaps I am projecting a little. But OP's mum didn't say "you're really heavy" she said "YOU are a really heavy girl" - the same as my MIL and GMIL do, (but with a definite negative tone on their part).

This implies a negative comparison to other girls.

Had she been a less heavy girl, the problem would not have existed.

She's (my MIL and GMIL certainly sound as though they are) blaming the child for the difficulty they're having.

I've spent much of my teens and all of my adult life, very close to people very sensitive about weight related comments, which started out with innocuous seeming things just like this.

Ah, Polly I see you are one of the AIBU-ers that just come on here to give your inner bitch a bit of an airing, never mind, as you were! I responded to the helpful posts, I've been busy with my life this afternoon and have chosen not to get into the bun fight posts as I've reached my conclusion and see no reason to argue about it, other posters are arguing with each other, not me specifically. I posted in AIBU for honest opinion, got it, took it on board and politely ceded my position. I fail to see what you've taken objection to.

Anyway, REALLY bowing out now, adieu!