Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

"You're a big heavy girl"

109 replies

0utForAWalkBitch · 04/11/2015 08:25

My mum says this to my two year old all the time when lifting her. I absolutely know it's not meant maliciously, but I remember her saying the same thing to me as a child and developing a terrible complex about my weight as a result (other factors probably at play with me though, my dad was very vocal about weight, whereas me and my husband never mention it). She only sees my mum every few months due to distance but has started talking about being a "heavy girl" to me when I lift her, even when my mum isn't there.

AIBU to ask my mum not to say this? I don't want to make a big deal of it if I'm projecting my own emotions a bit too much maybe. What do you think? I think mentioning it will upset my mum which I don't want to do, but likewise I don't want my daughter growing up being told she's heavy when she is not!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 04/11/2015 09:41

I don't see any need for your mother to comment on weight at all when lifting your dd. I am sure she can either not comment or think of something else to say. Doesn't it get old?

I put weight in the same category as looks or ethnicity. Why go there at all, if there is no need to?

trollkonor · 04/11/2015 09:42

I would respond to your daughter something like "Yes, you are growing so fast." and not make any reference to weight.

MusicMum18 · 04/11/2015 09:43

Tell your mum but in a nice way. Maybe say you are concerned about girls growing up nowadays with media showing skinny celebrities, young girls growing up seeing skinny as what they should be. Then maybe tell her that youre being careful of what language you're using in this respect and mention that you're dd is picking up on being called heavy and ask her to stop.

When I was growing up my dad sometimes called me 'fat podge'. It was intended to be endearing, but when I look back I did feel overweight when I was younger even though I wasn't and was perfectly healthy. The fact that I remember being called this so long ago shows how it stuck in my head. I'd hate this for your daughter. My mum also sees skinny as being best. She hardly eats anything yet loves baking and served up puddings all the time when were little and still does! Even though she doesn't eat it.

I have a dd and am very conscious of how she sees her own image.

Get it all nipped in the bud now. Xxxx

GreenPotato · 04/11/2015 09:43

Kids do get bigger and heavier and harder to lift (especially for an older person). I have said "Phew time to get down now, you're heavy!" to a child having a shoulder ride etc. But if I find myself saying it I do worry they might get a complex so I put a positive spin on it – "because you're getting so big and tall these days, probably because you eat your broccoli!" etc.

My DD isn't remotely fat, but she is heavy! I'm the same – tall and athletic build. I think it depends on how you say it and the message the child gets – getting heavier is good if it means you're getting bigger/growing up/eating well. If you don't want to talk to your mum about it, you could just say that to DD as a follow-on to what your mum says.

LittleCandle · 04/11/2015 09:45

I don't think you are over thinking this. My mother was exceptionally tall for her age (at the time) and hated when people said 'aren't you a big girl?' or something similar. They simply meant she was tall, but she said it made her feel like the side of a house. I never mentioned weight to my daughters when they were young and had XH warn his mad as a box of frogs DM not to say anything either. It didn't always work.

It is one thing to say something like that to an adult (but even then, I wouldn't) but children pick up on things and blow them out of proportion. I once had a school nurse tell DD2 that she was fat - when her BMI was perfect for her height (5ft 10 1/2) and she was as slim as a wand. She wasn't super skinny - just normal. You do have to be careful what you say, as words do stick in your mind and memory.

GreenPotato · 04/11/2015 09:50

(I also have a mum who has made negative personal remarks about my body, including my weight, my whole life and is obsessed with being slim. I've been lucky to escape without any major food issues but I am very aware of not wanting to do that to mine, so I do know where you're coming from.)

bigmouthstrikesagain · 04/11/2015 09:56

That is interesting littlecandle as when I was growing up I loved being called a big girl, I idolized my big sister who is 6'3" and desperately wanted to be as tall as her, never made it. I have always enjoyed being tall and strong. I have married someone shorter than me so I know that he doesn't have an issue with tall women. So the same words can have a very different impact on different people.

JoffreyBaratheon · 04/11/2015 09:57

I'd sit your mum down and tell her straight how it used to make you feel and that you don't want your daughter to feel the same way. Do it as nicely as you can but at the same time, give her it right between the eyes. My mum died when I was a kid so I have no experience of talking to mothers! But I think she needs to know before she does more damage. Tell her you know she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but... she did.

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2015 09:57

Getting bigger and heavier is a 100% normal everyday fact of life, for a healthy child.

I'm glad you realise you're projecting, OP.

Please don't assume your child will get the same complex as you, because there are literally millions of people who have had this said to them, and have had no problem whatsoever.

Pooshy · 04/11/2015 10:05

I would tell my mum not to say that if she did it to my LO. It probably doesn't matter when she's so young but as she gets older it could become an issue

DustingOffTheDynastySuit · 04/11/2015 10:06

I have boy-girl twins, just 4, and DD is much slighter than DS. She used to drum on her tummy proudly after a big meal, and currently wants to be taller like her brother, and heavier so she goes faster on the slides. We talk about food giving you muscles to run fast and vitamins to make you grow tall and crusts to make your hair curly. I don't know how much longer I'll have this body confidence with her, so am trying to drum what I can in now.

GinAndSonic · 04/11/2015 10:07

If you make heavy into a bad thing, aren't you just telling her she must be light?

MrsJorahMormont · 04/11/2015 10:09

Tell her to say a big, strong girl if she has to say anything at all!

grumpysquash · 04/11/2015 10:14

I can see that saying she's perfect is responding from my own point of view and isn't the best thing to say!

Why not? It gives the message that there's nothing about her that isn't good enough. That everything is fine. I often said that to my DD when she was little (now 12, tall and therefore quite heavy, and no apparent issues)

Original poster

0utForAWalkBitch · 04/11/2015 10:14

Yes exactly, as lots of posters have said, what I want to ensure is that being called "heavy" is not seen as bad, and is normal etc, I don't want her to think being heavy is undesirable or that she shouldn't be heavy. I like the idea a PP had of heavy equalling being "present" or making an impression. But my reaction will shape her view of what "heavy" means and there are some great suggestions here.

OP posts:

AlwaysHope1 · 04/11/2015 10:22

I think if anything , any issues for your dd might come from you as you are clearly projecting. Your mum is saying something completely normal and you are taking it in the wrong way. It will become an issue if you make it one.

drspouse · 04/11/2015 10:23

Honestly, when your dd says "I'm heavy" I'd just say "that's because you're a growing girl!" and leave it at that.

YY to this. Our 3yo DC says "I getting heavy" and "I getting big" to mean the same thing, we do say "oof you're getting heavy" when lifting e.g. to turn out the light, DC replies "I big now I drink coffee" which seems to be the ultimate thing that adults can do! It has also been however "I big now, my hat's getting smaller, I play the trumpet?" because I said maybe we could do trumpet lessons when DC was bigger!

I do have to say no I can't carry DC in my arms/on my back and I have to say "you're too big/heavy now". It isn't a bad thing, but there's no real other way to explain, is there?

We have a boy and a girl and will say the same about both.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2015 10:25

Heavy is not an insult - the attitude that it is and that girls should be feathery ethereal beings, always focusing inwards, with no weight in the world, is the problem.

I tell dd she's heavy to pick up and carry because she is, because she's growing. It's factual and relevant - I can't carry her far because she's heavy. It's also part of a celebratory attitude to growing bigger, something she is very positive about - being a big girl, not a little girl.

I'll be delighted if she continues to be a big, strong, active girl. I will keep her away from people who promote insecurities to girls by creating discomfort and self-doubt around perfectly ordinary words and ways of being. So it's the context and attitude that count.

PollyPerky · 04/11/2015 10:28

What she means is not that your DD is fat, but that's she is a tonne weight to lift! This is quite different.

I also think you are projecting and assuming that a 2 year old will take on board those comments. That's ridiculous TBH. A child of 2 has no association of weight with fatness, anxiety about weight or anything. It's you who has those issues.

YOU are in danger of f.......g up your DD if you carry on drawing attention to a perfectly ordinary comment.

minipie · 04/11/2015 10:28

Gosh. I often tell DD she is heavy when I lift her. It has never occurred to me this could be a bad thing. My mum used to call me "ten ton tessie" when I was little and it never bothered me at all.

I think the best response to "I'm heavy" is "yes, you've grown a lot" or "yes, you're such a big girl now" (at age 2 "big" means grown up rather than fat, thank goodness!).

In all honesty I think the best way to ensure she never has weight issues is to encourage healthy attitudes to food and exercise rather than focusing on particular words used - since your mum is not saying it unkindly.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 04/11/2015 10:28

This worries me because I call my DS (20 months) heavy all the time. He is a tonne of bricks, and I call him a tonne of bricks.

He is not big, but both of my children are made of lead (it seems). DD (7) is long and thin but she weights a lot to lift. Similarly, DS is slim overall but big shouldered, and his bones seem to be made of the heaviest thing imaginable.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2015 10:29

I'd be a bit careful about the 'you're perfect' line, just in terms of tone. You're heavy but I think you're perfect (implication of despite being heavy). Or you are heavy and that is perfect, you are perfect?

BarbarianMum · 04/11/2015 10:44

It's fine for children to get heavier as they grow - yes, even girls. And explaining that they are is normal when you are moving out of the 'pick me up and carry me' phase. I told mine they were so heavy that only daddy could carry them from age 3 onwards.

Ifiwasabadger · 04/11/2015 10:45

I tell my two year old she's heavy when I pick her up, I had never thought it could be a negative. She was 4 pounds at birth and still only just 10 kg sat two, for us getting heavier is a good sign, she is such a tiny little thing......

gamerchick · 04/11/2015 10:47

A good enough answer to the 'am I heavy mam' is to say 'yes you're getting a big girl, shall we see where you're up too on mammy' and stand side by side and measure. My teen still likes doing that as he's taller than me now.

Don't make a big deal out of it and it won't be and never hook it up to weight.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5