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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is struggling to look after SIL's toddler?

16 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 02:00

My MIL has my sister in law's 2 year old for 2 days a week while SIL works. The little one is a handful and MIL is almost 70 with a bad leg.

Basically what's been happening is that dnephew has a nap at about midday for around 45 mins, but when he wakes up, MIL has been making him go back to sleep for another 2 hours or more.

He's crying for around half an hour after initially waking but MIL is struggling and making him nap again...which he does after a while.

SIL has been complaining that he won't sleep at night...well of course he won't!

He's basically in a dark room from midday to about 3.00pm or even later.

I've not said a word about this but feel that it's not good for nephew...I can't look after him as I have my own work and DC.

OP posts:
Happyminimalist · 04/11/2015 02:09

How do you know about it? What are you going to do about it?

It is normal for 2 year olds to sleep for 1 or 2 hours (even 2 1/2 hours at lunchtime. However if it's not normal to your nephew, then it's not right. He should be picked up after 45 mins.

Happyminimalist · 04/11/2015 02:11

Has your mil said anything about why she's doing it? Can a local childminder collect the child at 1pm

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 02:45

Happy I've seen her when I've been visiting. She's told me. Why? What's that got to do with anything?

Also the childminder suggestion won't work as the reason MIL is doing it is because SIL can't afford childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 02:46

It's not normal for my nephew. He usually sleeps for 45 mins tops.

OP posts:
OccamsRaiser · 04/11/2015 02:53

I'd be inclined to talk to SIL about what her plans are for care longer-term. Is it intended that your DN will take a nursery place when funding starts?
I suspect you'll get shouted down on here though and told it's up to your MIL/SIL to sort it out.
Sucks when you're just concerned for all involved.

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 02:59

Occams thank you....I know that SIL isn't planning anything but the way it is now...in the country we live in children don't go to nursery until they are 4. So it could be another 2 years.

I am concerned, MIL looks knackered but would NEVER admit that and never ask SIL to arrange something else. There's nothing I can do I suppose but I do think SIL is selfish really. She could get a funded place for DN at a daycare as she's single but she won't.

It's up to them....but I feel resentful as MIL has stopped offering to have my DC who adore her even for the odd hour...so SIL has ALL the Granny attention.

I'm being selfish there but it's only because my own DC keep asking when they can have another sleepover at gran's and I can't tell them that they can't because Gran is too tired owing to the fact that she also has a part time job!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 03:04

I would like to add that when I've been visiting I have offered to take DN out for a stroll to the park but he is a bit attatched to Gran and won't even allow her to nip to the shop without him...he does like me and plays with me etc but won't let her go and the one time she did (she snuck) he was in tears for the whole time.

OP posts:
westcoastnortherneragain · 04/11/2015 03:08

Well if she is entitled to a fully funded place at day care that's a bit different.

Perhaps have a chat to your DM and see if she's feeling over whelmed, if she is then you'll need to speak to your sister.

Want2bSupermum · 04/11/2015 03:26

I don't understand why, if you are concerned, you can't organize your week so you are at your MILs while your DN is there. That way all the kids get time together and your DN is properly looked after. It's a win win win for all parties involved by what you are saying.

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 04/11/2015 03:34

Want Hmm Erm....because as I said I have my own work and my own life and my own children and home to run.

Why would I organise my week for the benefit of SIL?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 04/11/2015 04:09

Because you care about your DN? I understand you have other commitments but is there a way you could help your SIL so your DN is ok?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/11/2015 05:55

It beats me why anyone would expect a 70 year old to manage all day child care for a preschooler anyway. It's exhausting enough when you are thirty but seventy? No way. It's just not right. My mother is 70 and she has slowed right down in the last few years, her reactions are not lightening sharp and she tires easily and dozes in the armchair a lot. Same with my PILs at this sort of age. My MIL has always been very energetic but even she has her limits.

You really need to just tell your SIL that you are concerned.

GreenRug · 04/11/2015 06:02

I would stay right out of it! I presume your SIL is your MIL's daughter? The link between mother and daughter is not one to meddle in IMO. My own DM helps alot with childcare here, although had also slowed down over the years, and she often does things that annoy me (late naps for kids, copious amounts of sweets etc.) but I wouldn't dream of saying anything too direct to her, she's helping me out massively and has saved me literally thousands of pounds in childcare over the years, for me, that's the trade off.

Enjolrass · 04/11/2015 06:09

I agree with green . Assuming your mil is your sils mum, stay out of it.

If she is finding it so tiring, she is unlikely to be able to cope having your kids over anyway.

If you do say something, make sure you have your facts right. My Sil was under the impression mum looked after my kids quite a bit. In reality she has them for 2 hours, one afternoon a week.

No idea why sil (dbros wife) thought this. She also thought mum couldn't cope having them. She could, she actually asked to have them, it was a pain for me.

Also don't let it come across how it has here. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are worried about dnephew. It sounds like you are jealous and having a bit of a strop.

Fwiw I don't agree that you should have to schedule your kids, work and week so you can help mil out. I find that suggestion really really odd.

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 06:11

DPs mother looks after his 3yo nephew and 9mo niece While his SIL works full time Hmm granted she isn't 70 but IMO (which I keep to myself) she takes the piss. The MIL is always complaining to DP how tired she is. SIL is constantly complaining to me aboit things the MIL does but none of them actually speak to each other Hmm. I just keep out of it, they're all adults so presumably they have the ability to sort it out themselves. It definitely negatively reduces the amount of time MIL now sees my SC but I still don't get involved.

I'd just leave it if I was you. Let them sort it out themselves. If you say anything you will most likely be looked on as stirring. I'd worry tgst nothing will change except they're opinion of you, as unfair as that is.

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 06:21

Yep I would keep out of it too as if this blows up trust me you will get the Blame for shit stirring.

Could your dh have a word? After all he's the son and brother here.

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