AIBU to be tired of paying for other people's parties

[WorkingBling]

I don't mind forking out for dinner or a few drinks at a birthday celebration. Not everyone can afford a huge party laid on for all their friends. But, I am so tired of having to fork out a lot of money for things I'd never normally do to spend time with people I'd never normally spend time with. Simply because it's a "big" birthday.

I'm currently being asked to spend over £50 on something I'd never do usually. It's for a friend's birthday. I like her a lot, but she's a "couple" friend if you know what I mean - her DH and mine are old friends and we do couple stuff together rather than her and I meeting up one on one. But for her birthday she's just having women.

AIBU to say politely that no, I won't be attending? I don't understand why she doesn't choose something cheaper if she's going to make everyone pay. Or at least pay a piece of it for her guests. And believe me, her and her DH can afford it...

YANBU - DH and I once had to fork out £120 for an excruciatingly awful and terrible meal for a friend's birthday. I don't drink and DH doesn't drink much and the other 4 adults got through 5 bottles of wine. And the meal was terrible - even DD whispered "daddy makes better paella than this" at one point.
Our plan is next time, to say we won't go to the restaurant as we don't enjoy the food (the restaurant is a mad favourite with our friends but we don't rate it at all). Hopefully they are close enough friends to take this on the chin.

You misunderstood me, the 'bring a plate' was just for yourself as in there was no food on offer so if you were going to be hungry, bring yourself a plate.

My good friend invited myself and my dh to her 40th (and many other friends) at a nice restaurant and said it's £X amount per person (to cover the meal drinks room etc., however she had contributed towards her party too) I had to be honest with her and tell her we couldn't afford to come and were v sorry.
She knew it was a tough year for us anyway and said if that was the case she'd pay for us as she wanted us there. I felt awful, being so poor, but touched by her gesture.

We were invited to a big birthday party in a fancy restaurant - about 24 of us at the table, told in advance we would be ordering whatever we wanted from the a-la-carte. DH and I very surprised by generoisity but bought an extravagant gift and we wre then duly presented with our bill at the end of dinner. Everyone was flabbergasted yet not one person quibbled. We were just all rather embarrassed. I wouldn't have minded at all if we knew in advance that we were paying but I wouldn't have forked out $100 on a gift.

As long as people aren't a PITA about arrangements/are transparent about costs/ are generally understanding if you can't come, it's fine generally. We are having a lot of 40ths the past few years and celebrations have ranged from different types/ costs of events and all enjoyable in their own way. And most people have had their birthday's before/after 40 low-key, so that the current 40th's can have the limelight.

However, I have a friend who complains endlessly about how much she is expected to shell out for people's weddings/ christenings and the like and that it's unfair on single childless people. Completely forgets that these are usually one-off events, most of the parents involved take a bit of a backseat on their own birthdays once they've had children, and that she insists having a MASSIVE and expensive do for her own birthday every single year (to make up for the fact she doesn't have a husband or children). She doesn't seem to get the irony...and her guest list gets smaller every year as people increasingly CBA about the annual excitement of her birthday in the same way she is.

Yab a tiny bit u. Its nice to be invited to things. If you don't fancy/can't afford it just politely decline. If its a close friend who wants an explation just explain you don't have the funds and will catch up another time.
I missed a couple of big events fucking stoopid spa day last year for this reason and nobody fell out with me. that I noticed
That said, it annoys me when people go all moany that nobody wants to go to their ridiculous and expensive hen/stag weekends.

We'll often go out with friends for their birthday and fully expect to pay for it - usually splitting the Bill equally. Quite often nice restaurants too.

I don't think I have the kind of friends who book out posh restaurants and foot the Bill for everyone...I probably need to work on that.

Our friends 'invited' us - we're all a lot older and they're quite wealthy.

I think it needs to be made clear in advance what the situation is.

If a friend says 'it's my 40th birthday in a few weeks. Anyone fancy going out for a meal?' followed by a bit of discussion re the restaurant I would assume everyone paying for themselves.

If a friend emailed 'I will be 40 on 2nd December and am having a celebratory dinner in x restaurant at 8pm. I would love if you could come' I would assume she was probably hosting.

Restaurants, and I'd expect to pay unless otherwise stated (unless it was a wedding or a christening or some such event, where I'd never expect to).

Party at a venue, and I would never, ever expect to pay.

Hester- I don't have "friends" either. My friends are not offended by everything.

I not host events I cannot afford. If I invite I pay, a host who gets the guests to pay is an event organiser who wishes to be in the spotlight, not a generous friend.

OP's acquaintance is the wife of her husband's friend. It is a little precious to expect somebody this far removed to spend that sort of money after your 12th birthday.

It's getting to be quite a trend to host and expect others to pay even for weddings when the couple request cash.

I was always taught if you host you paid so you invited the number you could afford.

Agree with wellies and sleep above. Being upfront about costs is the main thing. That and not getting snotty with people who don't want to pay for whatever activity has been decided on, provided they decline politely and in good time. A bit of consideration when planning is nice, assuming you know and understand your friends' financial situations. When DH and me were better off than many of our friends, we went to expensive fancy restaurants as a couple and went for a curry with our mates. It's not rocket science, and both are nice to do.

If someone said 'fancy going out for a meal for my birthday?' I'd assume I was paying for myself at the restaurant. At a party I would expect to be provided with food, but probably to bring a bottle at a house party, and to buy drinks at a cash bar if at a social club. For anything else I'd expect to be told about costs up front.

At least if you're going to say "bring a plate" then say "bring a plate of food". Otherwise some of us who aren't in the know will bring... just a plate.

reni2 you're right.

fly Yes but the idea is that everyone brings a different dish and shares. You don't just bring your own plate of food to these sort of parties.

reni2 ah ok then. Thanks for letting me know my social shortcomings!

I guess it also depends on your definition of a "host". In my eyes and on those of the people I know, a "host" is someone who, for example, plans a party at their house or some kind of venue. If it's someone's birthday and you're going out for a meal with them, then they are simply the person whose birthday it is not a "host". You might give them a card and buy them a drink, then after the meal you might all go to the pub where you'll all buy each other a few more drinks and have a good time, rather going home and dissecting the evening for offence taking possibilities.

God, sometimes I am SO glad I live at the arse end of nowhere amongst people who are generally too busy and too friendly to care about this kind of utter bollocks. I think the women of MN must inhabit a different universe sometimes. The unfortunate thing is that so many of them have no kind of conception of any kind of existence outside their own social/economic bubble.

I accept obviously that this has nothing to do with the OP now. I already said earlier that I thought expecting someone to come to a spa to celebrate the birthday of someone she hardly knows is a touch OTT, but that the simple solution is simply to say "I'm sorry, I have other commitments that day."

I make a point of not doing something socially unless I really want and Its with a close friend who I value. A casual acquaintance plus shelling out for something I don't want to do is just not going to happen, life's too short. You can easily make a good excuse.

I've gone to a lot of birthdays in restaurants. I don't think I have ever, ever seen the host pay all the bill, except when the birthday is for a child. And I don't solely move in exactly impoverished circles, either.

I suppose I see it as similar to overseas weddings or hen/stag parties: welcome to have one, welcome to ask, and nobody would expect the host to pay all flights and accommodation... but if you want something pricey, that others will have to shell out for to attend, you have zero right to complain if they decline.

We got invited to an engagement party the other week and were asked to supply a plate of food!!

Yeah, normal here too. A lot of big parties or picnics ask you to bring something to share.