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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be tired of paying for other people's parties

96 replies

WorkingBling · 03/11/2015 11:24

I don't mind forking out for dinner or a few drinks at a birthday celebration. Not everyone can afford a huge party laid on for all their friends. But, I am so tired of having to fork out a lot of money for things I'd never normally do to spend time with people I'd never normally spend time with. Simply because it's a "big" birthday.

I'm currently being asked to spend over £50 on something I'd never do usually. It's for a friend's birthday. I like her a lot, but she's a "couple" friend if you know what I mean - her DH and mine are old friends and we do couple stuff together rather than her and I meeting up one on one. But for her birthday she's just having women.

AIBU to say politely that no, I won't be attending? I don't understand why she doesn't choose something cheaper if she's going to make everyone pay. Or at least pay a piece of it for her guests. And believe me, her and her DH can afford it...

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2015 12:25

I think if what you want to do for your birthday/hen/stag is spend the day in a spa/horse riding/ hot air ballooning/surfing with your friends then that's fine. I also think it is totally fine for your friends to say 'sorry, can't make it.' As other posters have said - an invite is not a summons.

Taking a plate of food/bottle of drink to a party is totally normal in my world. One of the nicest weddings I've been to was catered by every guest bringing a dish.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 12:26

But for your friend to invite you to something - invite as pp said not issue a summons -

No it's not a summons, but I think it's fair to say that if you formally invite people to a birthday celebration the expectation is created that they should attend. (Unlike a casual night out in town for example.) OP now has to justify why she doesn't want to spend £50 on an activity she doesn't even like, and possibly comes across as stingy/not being much of a friend in the process.

cleaty · 03/11/2015 12:26

It is her birthday, so up to her. But just say it is too much.

Although it sounds as if her DP is very controlling. Poor woman.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2015 12:26

"We got invited to an engagement party the other week and were asked to supply a plate of food!!"

Oh, I love that sort of party!

My niece had a wonderful wedding that way and was able to invite everyone she wanted to even though they are still students so pretty broke. She hired the church hall and we all decorated it the evening before. She made her own cake and asked her aunts and uncles for some wine as wedding presents. Her parents supplied some champagne and everyone brought some food. It was lovely!

HesterShaw · 03/11/2015 12:29

Don't go then. As someone said, it's an invitation not a summons!

We fairly frequently go for meals for friends' birthdays and we all expect to pay for ourselves, but I would think "I'm going for a birthday spa and I want you to come but you have to pay for yourself" is a bit much, if that's the kind of thing you mean?

And I would think NOTHING of bringing a plate of food along to an engagement party, and none of my friends would either. How is that cheeky? It's a very MN thing this "I only expect to celebrate something if I can pay for everyone". So only the well off can have celebrate birthdays with friends now, is that it? Same mentality as those who moan about cash bars at weddings.

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2015 12:34

See I don't agree with this. I think if you ask your friends to do something unusual/expensive on your birthday then you do so in the full knowledge that some will say 'thanks, no thanks'. I might be hurt if a good friend didn't want to join me for a drink to celebrate my birthday but for a day's bungee jumping? It'd be really entitled to just expect people to turn up regardless.

laffymeal · 03/11/2015 12:34

Lol at least you've been told about the cost upfront, see my thread on similar situation. I would never ask anyone to fork out for my birthday celebration, I think you should just decline.

Bimblywibble · 03/11/2015 12:37

Bringing a plate of food to the party is totally fine in my book.

But OP i'm competely with you on the expensive days out thing. I have a couple of friends who did this every year, and I ended up forking out for things like facials and paintballing to "treat myself" when I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. I think the wedge was driven in further when I got married and had kids and they didn't - they wanted to celebrate with their friends understandably, and they had the disposable income, I was more focussed on my family.

I don't see what's wong with a nice meal out. Most people like food.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 12:43

BarbarianMum see my feeling is that people who request their friends to fork out for their birthday celebration are likely to be entitled, and expect people to oblige and just go along with it. After all, if they weren't so entitled wouldn't they have thought of organising something else, something that doesn't put a strain on their friends' budgets??

Apart from that point it's also very lazy hosting. Well, 'hosting'.

welliesandleaves · 03/11/2015 12:54

I have the same issue with weddings; people who have a big elaborate reception that they can't afford and who then demand cash gifts from guests to cover the cost.

sherbetpips · 03/11/2015 12:55

you will probably find you are not the only one to decline on that basis and that plan may change anyway.

I would go with what Sits on Fence said.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 03/11/2015 12:57

I'd be fine with the "bring a plate of food" (especially as that is usually clear at the time of being invited, not after accepting, and there is a lot of scope to define your own budget when deciding what to make) but decline the "join me for a pretty expensive spa day which you can pay for yourself even though we aren't really properly friends and you don't like spa days" type invite.

TBH the people who expect others to fork out rather large amounts of money for the pleasure of celebrating with them and buy them a present on top are always people who could have afforded to pay for a birthday event themselves - it doesn't even cross their minds that 50 or 100 pounds is anything but small change... I was invited to an event that usually costs around €12 to attend a while ago, accepted (expecting to pay the €12 plus needing to buy a train ticket and a drink or two) then it was casually mentioned in an email that the cost would be €120 per head because the host had managed to get us the VIP package... When I said that was ten times the cost I had been expecting so I would now not be able to go she was properly offended and kept repeating "but its much nicer than the basic package..."

Its pure self involved careless thoughtlessness to expect people to shell out very substantial amounts of money to celebrate your birthday with you, unless all parties are genuinely close and plan together, knowing all involved can afford the amount in question and will really enjoy it.

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2015 12:58

The problem with that Awake is that something 'everyone' can afford pretty much boils down to a drink, or a picnic in the park, or you cook dinner for everyone (I love hosting but not on my birthday). Anything more than that and someone won't be able to come for financial reasons. No-one I know invites people to a restaurant and pays for them all - maybe your friends are richer? But if you accept that it is OK to invite people to join you for dinner (and pay their own way) then it is OK to ask them to join you for other things - and OK for your friends to say "no".

It is a pretty grim look out for the less than wealthy if they are never allowed to celebrate anything with their friends in a way they can't fully fund themselves. Personally, I'll take the alternative even if I have to miss some things.

OldGreyCat · 03/11/2015 12:59

I remember the brother of a 'sleb' who did this, 25 years ago.
Threw himself a 40th, formal invites, and then we had to pay for ourselves (food and wine). Glad I declined, then and now.

reni2 · 03/11/2015 13:13

YANBU. A friend who's my friend because she's my dh's friend's wife would warrant a pint in a pub or a cup of tea and cake.

£50 for something I don't want to do and never usually do is reserved for my dh, dsiblings, dparents and dcs.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 13:14

BarbarianMum I agree, just because you can't pay for 10 people to go bungee jumping on your birthday doesn't mean you shouldn't go bungee jumping at all. But it would never occur to me to make this my only birthday celebration. I'd celebrate either at home or in a pub (buying everyone a drink), and then organise a fun event like bungee jumping for those who are inclined and can afford it. I wouldn't however send out formal invites to my friends for a bungee birthday celebration costing £xxx.

My friends aren't rich btw. But they wouldn't hold their birthday celebration in a restaurant if they couldn't afford to pay. They'd either cater at home or meet in a pub (or, for my arty friends, organise a guided tour of a museum or gallery for example). My (better off) family occasionally invite us (meaning family) to a restaurant which is always considered a special treat.

TrueBlueYorkshire · 03/11/2015 13:20

I've seen the opposite of this too, where friends cover the expenses of people attending only to have them change plans last minute without notification.

It is nice she has told you the costs. You could easily spend £50 on an expensive dinner, you are being unreasonable to get worked up over this and complain as she sounds as if she has been transparent. Your allusion to her being able to afford to subsidise the party reeks of jealousy.

cleaty · 03/11/2015 13:21

Is this something middle class people do then - pay for everyone in a restaurant? I have never come across friends doing this, family yes. So I am wondering if this is a class thing?

And if we go to the pub on a friends birthday, the friends take turns buying drinks for the birthday person.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 13:25

cleaty class isn't a 'thing' in my home country. I think it's cultural. Where I am from, if you ask people to attend your celebration you are hosting it, and that means that you look after your guests. You plan your party accordingly. No-one is expected to fork out a lot of money on a restaurant meal.

TeddTess · 03/11/2015 13:26

just say you can't make it. really not a big deal! if this is what she wants to do and is normal amongst her friends then fine, you don't have to go.

it's an invite not a summons, what a great phrase

YABU

reni2 · 03/11/2015 13:31

I think people who do this overestimate what their birthday is "worth" to others. A friend of someone's dh's friend does not get £50 thrown at them for their birthday by many people.

expatinscotland · 03/11/2015 13:35

Decline. YANBU. I think potlucks are fine, but don't get people expecting others to spend big bucks on their event.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 03/11/2015 13:35

Lots of my friends are 50 this year. Celebrations have run the whole gamut from luxurious catering and champagne flowing freely to buying our own meal in a nice pub. Most people are as generous as they can afford to be. But you tend not to count the cost anyway when they are really good friends.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 03/11/2015 13:37

The "invitation not a summons" line always gets trotted out on MN - in many contexts it can be very true, but its a bit flippant and not always really the case. The OP has already pointed out that in some circles "0" birthdays are "the kind people feel obliged to turn up for". The same can apply to weddings that end up costing the invitees their annual holiday budget/ leave allowance - its not always as simple as "just don't go if you don't fancy it"; not going, though the rational choice, is sometimes very clearly resented, or changes the dynamic of a relationship, or properly drives a wedge between people (happens in families too) - sometimes an invite sort of is an implied summons...

lorelei9 · 03/11/2015 13:50

I have, habitually had a "big" birthday - not sure what that means though.

But I pay for it. When I say "big" it's always a smart place with drinks and food, and my closest friends. There's no "obligation" to come along, but I always treat.

if it isn't something you are happy to spend the money on, don't go.

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