Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to be tired of paying for other people's parties

96 replies

WorkingBling · 03/11/2015 11:24

I don't mind forking out for dinner or a few drinks at a birthday celebration. Not everyone can afford a huge party laid on for all their friends. But, I am so tired of having to fork out a lot of money for things I'd never normally do to spend time with people I'd never normally spend time with. Simply because it's a "big" birthday.

I'm currently being asked to spend over £50 on something I'd never do usually. It's for a friend's birthday. I like her a lot, but she's a "couple" friend if you know what I mean - her DH and mine are old friends and we do couple stuff together rather than her and I meeting up one on one. But for her birthday she's just having women.

AIBU to say politely that no, I won't be attending? I don't understand why she doesn't choose something cheaper if she's going to make everyone pay. Or at least pay a piece of it for her guests. And believe me, her and her DH can afford it...

OP posts:

mmgirish · 03/11/2015 13:54

I completely agree with you OP. My Dh and I always have quiet birthday celebrations with our children somewhere nice instead of putting pressure on friends to join us somewhere more expensive than usual.

welliesandleaves · 03/11/2015 13:59

I agree that 'just don't go' is not always as simple as it sounds. Sometimes it will cause hurt feelings, offence, or embarrassment for parents if it's a family party or wedding. A lot of the time you do have to grit your teeth and go to something. People organising events should be aware of that.

CherriBlossim · 03/11/2015 14:02

40/50 years ago (when people didn't have so much money) there was lots of entertaining done at home. It was done very cheaply and the hosts would make sandwiches and finger food.

If you can't afford to entertain people - then don't invite them. You don't need to spend a lot of money to have people round and enjoy their company!

lorelei9 · 03/11/2015 14:03

wellies - I agree that people get offended but I'm starting to find that the sorts of people who will be offended are useless friends anyway so it can be quite a good filter!

cleaty · 03/11/2015 14:08

Having people round though is work. It means cleaning and tidying up before hand, making food, then cleaning after everyone has left. Not all of us want to do that on our birthday.

celtictoast · 03/11/2015 14:09

Agree with CherriBlossim. You invite people, you provide the food and don't ask them to pay. Then you can supply the kind of party you can afford, whether that's finger food at home and your favourite music on the stereo, or a 3-course dinner in a hotel with entertainment laid on.

Then when you go to someone else's party, they are the hosts and host the part their way, and without asking for payment!

welliesandleaves · 03/11/2015 14:13

Fair enough Cleaty, but if you feel like that then maybe the alternative is to just celebrate quietly. Not want all the fuss and enjoyment of a party with none of the attendant expense or work.

BertrandRussell · 03/11/2015 14:15

I described my niece's wedding at 12.26- are there really people who would be miffed and refuse to accept an invitation like that?

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 03/11/2015 14:19

Its funny isn't it - hosting at home is work, cleaning and tidying up before a kids party is a reason for booking a venue - but nobody would ever think of making the attendees' parents pay for entry to the venue if inviting kids to a party.

Why then if the host is avoiding hassle by having the party at a venue must the adult guests pay?

Just pondering as actually if invited to a meal by friends I expect to pay for myself/ my family, which is fine - if it is a restaurant within the budget we'd usually choose. If invited to a very expensive restaurant I would be back in the camp of wanting to decline, which is some circumstances causes offence... At least at a restaurant you can choose the cheapest thing on the menu/ drink tap water/ not have desert if counting the pennies but wanting to show willing to celebrate... though then there is the whole minefield of the "money is no object" types who order multiple courses of the most expensive things on the menu (often not finishing any of them as they just want a taste but are watching their weight...) and lots of expensive drinks, then declare authoritatively that the bill might as well just be split, and obviously guests will cover the birthday person... and their partner... and your deliberately frugal 25 pound menu choice for one course at an expensive place ends up costing you 60 or 70 pounds while you subsidise people who "just don't count the cost for friends"... or make a spectacle of yourself insisting on only paying for what you've eaten...

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2015 14:23

Yes poorer people, know your place! A quiet celebration or ham rolls for 40 and a game of charades were good enough for your grandparents so no clubbing together your money and trying something new, or different, or special for you. So presumptuous of you to think that any of your friends would ever consider spending more than the price of a bus fair to get together. Save your money for something useful - like a funeral plan - instead.

Enjolrass · 03/11/2015 14:30

There's absolutely no obligation for you to go. It's an invitation not a summons as the saying goes.

That's all great. Until you decline an invitation and offend people. Because that does happen. Some people just can't accept that people have declined and get offended by it.

And people do expect an explanation. There are threads on here every so often saying 'my friend isn't coming to my party, I feel so let down etc' often bemoaning that there hasn't even been an explanation

reni2 · 03/11/2015 14:33

Equally you could say poorer people, know your place and it's not at my £50/ head party, BarbarianMum.

TeddTess · 03/11/2015 14:39

yes yes but this is not a very close friend to the OP and i doubt she will be offended if she declines. she probably was just being nice/friendly/extending a welcome to the OP.

it IS different to a big birthday celebration, wedding, christening where you are expected to come and the host should pay/be very mindful of costs.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 03/11/2015 14:40

Exactly reni2 - surely its even more divisive to celebrate in a way that costs the attendees an amount that will either be prohibitive to less flush guests or mean they have to cut back significantly on other things, perhaps for their entire family, for the rest of the month in order to accept the invitation to celebrate with you (especially once they've bought a present too).

In my experience hosts counting the pennies themselves are more sensitive to guests also possibly not being able to easily splash out 50 or 60 or more pounds on celebrating a birthday, or hundreds and hundreds to attend a wedding, whilst hosts who don't have to worry about a hundred pounds here or there happily expect others to cough up that amount without it occurring to them that that might put the guests in a very difficult position.

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2015 14:42

I think there is a lot of middle ground between only doing things you can fund totally and a £50 a head party reni2 As you'll see from the thread many of us don't mind chipping in or paying our own way (meal/pub/cinema/bike hire/night at the dogs/comedy club tickets) in order to actually go out and celebrate occasionally.

But I have nice friends who don't get mortally offended if one of us can't make it.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/11/2015 14:42

Try being invited to a big do like that and being told you still have to pay the full amount even though you won't be able to eat anything being served due to Coeliac Disease. Offered to pay a reduced amount to cover the guest of honour's meal but was told that the party was planned around 'everyone paying the same amount'.

Just politely decline; "Oh that sounds lovely, but I'm afraid I won't be able to attend". You aren't obliged to offer an excuse or a reason.

welliesandleaves · 03/11/2015 14:43

Barbarian, give over. If you can't afford to host a party in a fancy restaurant don't do so.

In my world, a few friends will often offer to take a friend out for a meal for her birthday. That is completely different to the birthday person issuing invitations to a restaurant of her choice, often an expensive one, and putting people in an awkward situation.

lorelei9 · 03/11/2015 14:46

Bertrand, I think your niece's wedding sounds fine and I hate weddings.

I don't think it's a valid comparison for a £50 dinner though.

anothernamechange1 · 03/11/2015 14:47

im so glad my mates are poor,stops alot of this nonsense

chrome100 · 03/11/2015 14:51

I think it depends. In my social circle, we'll quite often go for dinner for our birthdays and all pay for ourselves. But we just go to the local curry place and the working men's club so it's never pricey.

shebird · 03/11/2015 14:54

I feel for you OP. I hate these situations and I am not good at saying no for fear of causing upset.

A family member has arranged a hen do which will cost approx £200 for overnight hotel stay and a dinner. That's before the spending money so it will be a very expensive event just before the very expensive wedding.

flyhigh · 03/11/2015 14:56

I'm still with the view that if you can't afford to put on even a basic spread at a party them don't have one!!!
Then it just becomes a party to get presents (or money/vouchers that were actually requested).

Flutterbutterfly · 03/11/2015 14:57

I love bring a dish. You get to sample lots of different food. It's very normal in our world and saves hassle ( for hostess) more than money.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 14:59

Bertrand your niece's wedding sounds awesome.

HesterShaw · 03/11/2015 15:04

Totally with BarbarianMum - so glad I don't have the type of "friends" who are offended by everything.

Why should birthday do's be limited to people who can afford to treat 20 people?

For my 40th I had 18 friends/family to a restaurant which which was nice but not expensive. We bought the wine and birthday cake/dessert and everyone bought their own starters/mains. The restaurant owners had been consulted beforehand and everyone had chosen their food in advance and at the end got up and paid for what they had eaten. Not. An. Issue. I haven't had a birthday do since I was 21 so I thought it would be nice, and if people didn't want to come, then they wouldn't have come. They all said afterwards what a nice time they'd had.

In some MNers' world though, the whole evening was the height of entitled vulgarity Why can't they accept that different people do things differently?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread