To be a bit peed off with dh disappearing upstairs all the time?

[Orangeanddemons]

To read his book. Dd has just come in from a friends, she's in for 2 mins and he's off upstairs to read his book. This is happening more and more often, as if he's trying to escape from us.

He spent about 3 hours up there yesterday.

You were asked to babysit while the child's father was still in the house?!

Having read all the way through this thread I can't believe I'm the first to ask if he perhaps has mild depression or is suffering in some other way? Reading can be a way to escape reality and avoid confronting your emotions for a while. Is anything stressing him out at work that he feels the need to switch off immediately when he gets home?

If not and he is simply being selfish, can you suggest a routine that factors in his need to read. Maybe say that you don't mind how much he reads as long as he does it after the evening meal (when he can be fully available for dd to chat to/family conversation time) and downstairs (you and dd could perhaps read too, or watch telly or do craft stuff etc), so you are together as a family but still persueing your own interests. Is he pulling his weight with cooking/washing up etc?

Re the pooing thing (other pp) my Dh is a go-in-there-for-hours type, too. It can be wearing but I think it is normal ish. We all have different needs when it comes to pooing!

Fucking hell witch I can't tell if you're really bothered by that or not! Sorry for the if not.
What do you & dc do when he walks around with his tackle out?? Or has that just become normal?

These kinda threads do seem to appear regularly, often seems to be a pattern of the wife taking over/being left to do all the child rearing and probably chores too and couple years down the line are on theses boards with "aibu useless dh who cant see dirt etc"

I do wonder if people are actually sitting down and actually talking about how much time each parent need to be investing in the children and family. We have friends also with a toddler who have moved and he has plans on sorting his dedicated room/mancave out. He may prove me wrong but bet in couple years times his wife will be doing the lions share of parenting and housekeeping.

dumbass it has become normal unfortunately - not a pretty sight that's for sure! DS 17 thinks it's awful. The poo on the carpet incident was a one off unless it was just one of several that happened to go unnoticed & I did say then I was not prepared to look after him if he became an incontinent old man & would put him in a home!

I have a recent thread in Relationships about his other less-than-appealing qualities.

imperial he was in the garage at the bottom of the garden. The youngest was 4 so she brought her over to my house.

I think howtorewind has a point as well, especially if it starts suddenly. It's as if they check out emotionally so they feel less guilty.

All the phone and even more extreme lengthy pooing took hold as the affair did.

I was naive, now I realise because his parents pointed out he had a teenage porn habbit and that's linked to cheating, I am sure the long toilet breaks are for wanking and texting ow, not pooing.

How about she reads too while sat next to him?

Or could she suggest a game of monopoly to him. Something where he has to interact

We have had words. He got defensive and I told him bluntly he was opting out. He still maintains he can't read sitting up and has to lie down, which sounds like a right pile of shite to me. But it has been addressed!

He can lie down on the sofa?

My friend has a dh like this - he shuts himself away in their 4th bedroom office for hours at a time. The children are not allowed to interrupt him. He just doesn't seem to want to know about family life, and can't stand anything that isn't total peace and quiet.

I don't see why couples have to live in each other's pockets. I love solitary activities like reading and having a long bath, and that will never change. Some people just have more of a need for time alone, and introverts recharge by being alone.

However, I think its totally fair that you get to do the same - if you're not into doing things alone, then you should get to go out an equivalent number of evenings with friends without him moaning at you.

Some people just find being joined at the hip to be tiring, even if they love their partner. I agree with the previous poster who said that reading is a good example to children - they need to learn how to amuse themselves, and bringing them up to be happy with their own company (obviously not all the time!) is a gift to them for later life.

If he wants time alone and you become naggy about it, it'll just make him want even more time alone.

Why doesn't he read his book after DD has gone to bed?

Yes, some people like lots of alone time, but in choosing to have kids you're accepting that that will be limited while you're spending time with them and bringing them up. The OP might be one of these people for all we know, and just never gets the chance because he jumps if first and she is not so selfish as to leave their DD sitting alone all the time and thinking her parents don't want her around. Plus all of us read a lot in our family, but amazingly we often manage to do so in the same room as one another . We even read sitting up! Unless he has a long standing back problem, I'm dubious about this excuse - and as howto said, he could lie on the sofa! I hope things improve for you OP.

I love lots of alone time! I am very very introverted and find conversation/social stuff wearing and difficult. However, I chose to have a child. I therefore interact with her for all the time that she is at home and awake and wants interaction because she's 9, and, yes we read books at the same time but when you are 9 it is OK to actually need quite a lot of input from other people. It's not a toddler level of input but a 9 year old is still quite a young child! DD is actually fairly introverted too, I think. But a 9 yr old high level of introversion looks very different from a forty year old one!

DH, OTOH, is actually a massive extrovert but still chose to opt out of family life with his phone/PC (because he gets a lot of social needs met from the industry he is in) until I just told him it wasn't OK and I'd kick him out if he carried on.

My DH goes intot he loo with his IPAD and wont' come out until he has done at least one jigsaw!!

He is forbidden to do this in our ensuite though and has to go down the landing to the other loo.

I genuinely do not get why you are all allowing your husbands to spend hours doing really crappy things on tablets and phones in the loo. Can you not just say 'this is not OK. Stop it.'?

I don't remember my dad spending hours alone in the loo and I bet none of you do either. Smartphones. It is not OK to replace your family with a bunch of pixels.

It's crazy isn't it Indole it's like the men are allowed all this extra free time to do bugger all with, bless.

Seriously, Stop. Putting. Up.With. This. Shit.

I also like time alone and an opportunity to read in peace and quiet but have never felt that I can regularly get in from work, eat and that's me done for the day.

I have a teen and pre-teen who don't need need much looking after, who help out but they do still require parents to be mentally around and aware of what is going on in the house. Reminders to do homework, read, have they put clothes in the wash, tidy up after their snack, switch the laptop off in time for bed, get to bed, no they cant watch Game of Thrones, shout reminder to switch off their light, share a joke. Even watch TV together, it could be a documentary or a comedy. I bond with my teen over the Walking Dead, we laugh if we both jump, discuss special effects, talk about what we would do in a situation.

If both parents are around then yes they both should get some checking out time if required. I have no problem going to bed early to read, going out for the day on my own but would never claim all time for myself and leave all those little niggling parental duties to the other parent.