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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit peed off with dh disappearing upstairs all the time?

97 replies

Orangeanddemons · 02/11/2015 20:05

To read his book. Dd has just come in from a friends, she's in for 2 mins and he's off upstairs to read his book. This is happening more and more often, as if he's trying to escape from us.

He spent about 3 hours up there yesterday.

OP posts:

hackedoffnow · 02/11/2015 23:06

witch please stop I can't take any more! The visuals are just not shifting and I'm about to go to bed.

WitchWay · 02/11/2015 23:08

Please accept some brain carpet cleaner bleach

Griphook · 02/11/2015 23:14

Dp does this sometimes, you'd wonder where he was and he'd be upstairs. Used to really annoy me, if I pissed off upstairs he'd be up looking for me asking what I was doing and when I was coming down.
So that's what I started doing, if it's OK for him to sod off upstairs then it's ok for me too... Tbh I can see the appeal of doing what you want, since I started doing it and pointing
out that it's exactly the same as him doing it he does it a lot less.

justgoandgetalife · 02/11/2015 23:26

Mine goes upstairs to 'do a sudoku' shit and sits up there for up to an hour. I don't know how he actually does it. If I sit up there for more than 10 minutes, my feet go numb. He weighs about 6st more than I do, so how does he do it without his feet actually dropping off due to lack of blood flow??

At least he's stopped having regular 3.5 hour baths, so I can't complain just get pissed off about the replacement activity

GruntledOne · 02/11/2015 23:37

Don't cook for him, tell him you were too busy reading.

2rebecca · 03/11/2015 00:19

Age 9 i didnt expect my parents to entertain me. My dad generally got on with dad stuff or helped my mum when home.
Kids that can't entertain themselves are very wearing. Leaving you to do it all and escaping isnt on but maybe encourage your daughter to read her own book

VenusRising · 03/11/2015 01:24

I hate to say it but it sounds like he's checked out of being a parent, being part of the family and being married. I think it's absolutely disgraceful he laughs off his own daughter's needs and yours.

I'd get a clipboard and time him when he's off on his "discretionary" time. Records like this will be handy for later.

If you want him more involved you need to talk. Get a mediator. You're being a push over at the moment. You need to dig in and fight for what you want.
If he doesn't change send him packing.

GreatFuckability · 03/11/2015 01:59

witch he SHIT ON THE CARPET?????

MuggerBe · 03/11/2015 06:27

A grown man wandering around with his pants off Shitting on the floor. Please god get out.

Senpai · 03/11/2015 06:44

If you're not getting the same amount of alone time, it's definitely not fair. I was expecting to hear you say you had a toddler, not a 9 year old. That's about the age you can start including them in your hobbies.

Surely they can both read their own books in the same room or he can do some of his hobbies with her.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/11/2015 06:59

Witchway hours? In the loo? Shitting is literally his hobby. How can you stand it?

WitchWay · 03/11/2015 07:02

I can't stand it Obsidian. DS & I call the loo his "office"

BoboChic · 03/11/2015 07:07

Parents reading quietly to themselves is a terrific role model for DC.

Every1KnowsJeffTheJerkOlantern · 03/11/2015 07:09

Parents reading quietly to themselves is a terrific role model for DC...

Shitting on the carpet? Not so much

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 07:11

Another who has an ex who did these things, he is his ow's problem now. no skids to clean and the dc know who he is, they have nothing to do with hum and no intention ever to again.

2rebecca · 03/11/2015 07:18

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man whose hobby was sitting on the toilet. Some of these blokes sound lazy and disgusting.
Occasionally going up to a room to read is fine. Never engaging with anyone else and using the bathroom as an office or refuge isn't.

BoboChic · 03/11/2015 07:25

Loads of men spend hours sitting on the loo. My DP, DSS1 and DSS2 all love to do this. DD and I are as to why it gives them so much pleasure (we are both in and out of there like a flash) but we aren't in the business of regimenting their down time. Do so at your peril...

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 03/11/2015 07:25

Witch you need your own thread so we can help you get rid of your dirty bastard DH and make him a STBXH. Fucking hell I cannot imagine my partner taking a crap on the carpet upstairs. Horrendous.

Ragwort · 03/11/2015 07:38

I would hate to be 'policed' all the time, what is wrong with reading a book? , A nine year old child shouldn't need constant entertaining, I would hate the thought of having to watch the same tv programme that my child chose - DH and I rarely spend time together - we are always busy doing something whether it is reading, paperwork, mumsnetting, browsing the internet etc.

But seriously, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who spent so much time in the toilet.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/11/2015 07:49

If he was sat reading downstairs with the family but still making himself available then there wouldn't be a problem, it's the fact he is sloping upstairs.

Does he pull his weight around the house? Does he help plan what needs doing next to help the house run smoothly etc?

00100001 · 03/11/2015 07:50

There's nothing wrong with reading a book ragwort and yes a 8 year shouldn't need constant entertainment.

But, there's something wrong with choosing to spend 3 hours each evening alone, when you have a wife and a child living with you.

Why is he 'allowed' to read for three hours when there are things to be done, like dinner, washing, housework etc? Why should one parent be expected to o all these things and the other just participate in hobbies for most of the evening?

Surely, if the husband was coming home at (let's say) 6 - having a chat with the family, helping tidy up whilst dinner is made, have dinner together maybe watching a TV program all together - and then going to read for an hour or so - that would be more reasonable, he's seen his family, helped with the house and had a bit of 'alone' time.

As it is, it sounds quite selfish.

FartemisOwl · 03/11/2015 08:04

I'd be saying something pretty blunt if DH disappeared for hours and blatantly wasn't bothering with me or DD. On another note, mine can also spend ages in the loo, though not so much since his boss rang and I told him he'd been on the loo so long I wondered if he'd fallen down it and ended up in Australia

2rebecca · 03/11/2015 08:09

We just have 1 toilet in the main bathroom. I think that's a good thing with all these tales of endless toilet time.

howtorebuild · 03/11/2015 09:45

Lots of Men cheat in the loo, using phones.

noeffingidea · 03/11/2015 11:01

This is really common among men. They don't want, or can't really engage in family life. My dad used to do the sitting on the loo thing as well as having various interests outside the home. My friends ex husband used to spend most of the time in his garage working on his cars. She once asked me to babysit so she could go out. He was in - he just didn't want to not indulge in his hobby for a few hours.
It's as if there's a lack of emotional connection, as if they're just there physically. I can understand everyone needs a bit of alone time, I definitely do, but this is really taking it too far. Not sure what you can do about it ,OP.

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