Ex FiL issues. WWYD?

[missinconspicuous]

My ex's dad visits once a week to see 1 year old dd. He's a strange man and barely speaks a word. The problem is he's a heavy smoker and although he doesn't smoke while he's here, he absolutely stinks of it and I hate it. I also think that once a week is too often considering that's how often her own dad sees her too. AIBU?

I suppose you could ask that he doesn't smoke on his way over either.

Surely it's nice that he is making the effort to still have a relationship with his granddaughter?

I doubt he smokes on his way over but he and MIL (who doesn't bother with dd) chainsmoke and so their clothes and everything in their house smells so strongly of smoke.

It is nice that he still bothers but I just find that every week is a bit much.

OP you need to tell him that once a week is too much. Really it's up to her father to arrange access to grandparents in his time. Is there a compromise that would work for you?

It's up to your ex to sort access for his parents not you. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man but I wouldn't want to see my ex's parents on my own once a week. You don't have to do that anymore.

Your rd is really lucky to have someone love her mine had no interested GP's. Is it possible that dislike of your ex is colouring your attitude?

A different perspective from me, as I've kept in reasonably close contact with dd's grandparents on her dad's side- we arrange visits directly and have managed to have a good relationship. I think that's been good for my DD. Therefore I don't wholly agree that OP should just leave this to her ex. He's not just xFiL, but also dd's grandfather.

I'd hate the smoking issue but at 1yo, it won't be long before she starts pointing it out!!

Would you be able to meet him outside, somewhere to negate the smoke smell? I would imagine having him in your house is very difficult if you don't feel relaxed around him.

Is it a same day same time sort of thing?

I think its lovely that he visits and unusual. Couldn't you arrange sometimes to meet somewhere like a park - especially as dd gets older. That way she could run around and the smoke smell would dissipate. Also try and imagine years on and you have a ds who marries, has a dd and divorces and you were not a welcome visitor. Be kind op - children can't have too many people who care about them and that gives them such a foundation for self confidence. Maybe there's also a back story here of how he wished he'd had a loving gp and didn't

Florentina - X post

It can be difficult to talk to one year olds because they can't say much back. He might become more comfortable as DD grows.

I agree - meet in a playground or a cafe then it won't pollute your home and hopefully be less awkward and weird. You could say you are worried about her developing asthma and could he not smoke before he sees her\around her? I have asthma triggered by this type of thing, developed when I was a child. It's good to be careful at her young age with exposure to tobacco particles, I would say outside or in a cafe would fix it.

Maybe suggest once a month? Does he come to you because he doesn't get on with his son and can't see your dd there?

How about having an arrangement whereby your xFIL visits once a fortnight with you/at your house and the other week he sees his GDD whilst she is with your x. Then you only have to deal with it once a fortnight.

Also what Bourdic said. It is a good thing to keep up in the long run just awkward for you right now as she is small and doesn't entertain or communication with your xFIL much.