Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder whether I should let my mum do some childcare

26 replies

NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/10/2015 20:39

My baby is due in 8 weeks. At 8 months we'll be needing 2 days a week childcare. We've been looking online at nurseries and found a few we want to look at. My mum told me this week that she'd love to do a day for us. DH and I are really in 2 minds. (Him more so than me, he finds her very odd as he hasn't had 33 years to get used to her as I have)

Pros: she would love him
It would benefit her, she says she's getting bored and lazy in retirement
She's a young 65 and still has lots of energy
Would save money
My nephews both adore her so I'm sure our boy would too.

Cons: she's a bit odd with children, quite suffocating, doesn't like letting them explore their independence. I can imagine her wanting to spoonfeed him if we do BLW for example. I'm not sure how much that'll matter as its only one day.
She can be quite nasty at times, usually aimed at me though. She definitely favours boys and I think she'd be better with him than she would if we were having a girl.
I have heard her using emotional blackmail with nephews (if you do that nanny won't love you type shit)
I wonder if one day a week at nursery might be harder to settle into and less consistent

WWYD?

OP posts:
Madratlady · 30/10/2015 20:42

The emotional blackmail would be enough on its own for me to not leave my child with her.

SaucyJack · 30/10/2015 20:42

I'd give it a wiiide birth matey.

If she can be nasty at times, the last thing you wanna do is give her something to wield over you.

VimFuego101 · 30/10/2015 20:43

I think that what you think are small problems now will quickly become huge annoyances once you're actually dealing with the frustrations of the things you mention in your cons list. Unless you think you'll really be able to smile, nod, and ignore those things, I wouldn't do it.

icklekid · 30/10/2015 20:46

I think all your cons definitely add up to a no- totally agree about taking longer to settle at nursery if only 1 day a week but some babies are fine.

We don't use family which means my mil always happy to have ds the odd extra day I need to work or for dh and I to have a day to ourselves - never resents it because it is a treat not a regular commitment

MillionToOneChances · 30/10/2015 20:47

Sounds like your relationship with her isn't great and like she wouldn't interact with him in a healthy way (suffocating, emotional blackmail). I would politely decline.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 20:48

I have a vague memory that a lot of nurseries have a minimum of 2 days, so it might not even be possible.

Hassled · 30/10/2015 20:51

If you have these doubts now, before the baby's actually here, they will be much greater once you've got to know your baby - that emotional blackmail stuff will be a massive deal. I think you should politely decline. Certainly don't agree for her sake - her boredom in retirement is not your issue in this respect.

Pico2 · 30/10/2015 20:52

No, bad idea. She sounds at least a little toxic.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 30/10/2015 20:54

Definite no from me for regular contact. Anyone you could describe as nasty shouldn't be looking after your son. BUT there's plenty of times in the first year especially that they aren't well enough for nursery or you need an emergency pickup because you're late and perhaps she could be your backstop?

IMHO you should never use a childcarer that you can't expect to look after your child in the way you want.

Also, would she really be happy to take holidays only when you do? Lots of nurseries will only accept 2 days as a minimum so kids settle.

Fluffy24 · 30/10/2015 20:58

I wouldn't do it, and if you start and find it really not working it's hard to back away from it without causing offence.

The emotional blackmail thing would be a deal breaker for me.

Not only might DS not be at nursery enough to settle there, he might not settle that well with your DM either if that's just a day - he could end up with two quite stressful days.

We had an issue where initially we thought it was better for DS to be looked after a day by my DSis but actually he got quite unsettled - he was far better in the familiar surroundings and people at nursery.

trilbydoll · 30/10/2015 21:02

I've used my Mum and PIL loads without a regular arrangement:

  • DD poorly but I need to work so my parents come round and I work from home
  • last minute conference calls so I nip into work and they go to the park / soft play
  • getting totally overwhelmed with housework so Mum comes on my day off and helps me get sorted
  • don't feel at all guilty asking for PIL to have dc while we go clothes shopping on a weekend or out for dinner, whereas if they did regular childcare I would feel I couldn't ask for more.

And tbh, nursery is an easy childcare option (if you find the right one). They're fed 300 times a day, you don't have to prepare packed lunches or try and give them breakfast in the morning, they're open 51 weeks a year - your Mum could get sick or want holidays and I just couldn't face the hassle!

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/10/2015 21:03

Thanks, you have all strengthened my resolve to say no to her. The two day nursery minimum might just be our get out without upsetting her.

Hassled: you're quite right that I would be agreeing for her sake not ours.

She's upset me quite a few times during this pregnancy so she's not really my favourite person right now, although she does mean well.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 30/10/2015 21:09

You'd have to do better than 'mean well' to get one of my DC for a day a week!

Thighbrow · 30/10/2015 21:14

I get how you feel and I agree nursery would be a better option. My mum seemed to want to deliberately go against any specific wishes I had (giving a bottle to ebf baby, feeding choc buttons at 8 months so she 'could be the first to give him chocolate',) just 2 examples of things I did she didn't agree with!

At least you know nursery will respect your wishes.

pinotblush · 30/10/2015 21:18

Im with the others here. She's not odd she's abusive.

yorkshapudding · 30/10/2015 21:43

"if you do that nanny won't love you" Shock
To be honest, anyone who says this kind of shit wouldn't be having contact with my child at all, let alone looking after them unsupervised.

You're definitely doing the right thing by saying no and the Nursery two day minimum thing does sounds like a good excuse but is there then a risk that she'll say "never mind, I'll have him both days then to save you the money"?

Mmmmcake123 · 30/10/2015 21:51

As York said the two day nursery idea might back fire so I would be ready with reasons like you want DS to socialise in a familiar group as early as possible to enhance development.

Roseformeplease · 30/10/2015 21:58

Can you tell her that you want her to be involved but perhaps helping you out on other days and be vague.

redcaryellowcar · 30/10/2015 22:02

I think if use the excuse that the baby will settle better if not only at nursery once a week and as others say avoid the situation. I know of quite a few people who use parents or pils as childcare and it often gets quite complex, you are predicting it won't be plain sailing, it probably won't.
I also think you have to respect your dhs reservations, as I doubt you'd want to be in a situation where he decided something related to your child against your will?

CurlyBlueberry · 30/10/2015 22:51

My mum provides some childcare for us so I was all ready to say "yes, let her" but after reading your post NO. If you have reservations you shouldn't do it and tbh they sound like quite big things.

SummerNights1986 · 31/10/2015 00:53

she's a bit odd with children, quite suffocating, doesn't like letting them explore their independence. I can imagine her wanting to spoonfeed him if we do BLW for example

For one day a week - I don't think this would matter a huge amount. I could grit my teeth through it.

She can be quite nasty at times, usually aimed at me though

As long as it wasn't open nastiness towards me in front of the dc - yes, I could deal with this.

I have heard her using emotional blackmail with nephews (if you do that nanny won't love you type shit)

THIS would be the dealbreaker for me. I hate this type of talk and I couldn't put up with it. Not for an hour a week, much less a day.

nameinlights · 31/10/2015 01:13

I would stick to nursery based on what you said. Also most nurseries will want your child to be there minimum 2 days a week and won't take a child for just a day a week so you've got your get out clause right there.

Littlef00t · 31/10/2015 09:32

Def say nursery want 2 days a week, but would appreciate back up when LO is ill and ad hoc days. It can be a real struggle with illness foe the first few months back so having back up will be valuable.

coconutpie · 31/10/2015 09:39

Definitely no to your mum looking after your baby - too many reasons not to give her care of your DC from what you've said in your OP.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/10/2015 12:08

Ok I've told her the 2 day rule. She seems fine with it. I'm sure she'll be telling my bro and SIL that I'm denying her her rights to her grandson but I can live with that.

OP posts: