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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell this friend to leave me alone?

20 replies

Sisterelephant · 29/10/2015 11:57

How many flake outs before you say enough and write the person off?

I have a friend who I met through a mutual friend, we hit it off straight away and turns out we live quite close to each other. We have met up about 2/3 times in the past year and had fun with the kids or been out for dinner, we have lots in common and I really like her. However, in that past year, there have been at least 7-10 occasions that she has flaked out on me, usually at the last minute. I used to initiate these meet ups at first as I am fairly new to the area and don't have many friends here, but after the 2/3 cancellations in a row I felt she just wasn't interested in a friendship with me and stopped asking. As we live so close, I occasionally bump into her and she'd initiate us meeting up, or she'd text and ask for a date for us to meet 'because it's been ages' and then still cancel at the last minute. Maybe it's me? that's fine but this flakeyness is getting really annoying.

So WIBU to tell her I'm always busy from now on so can't meet up EVER?

OP posts:

icouldjusteatacroissant · 29/10/2015 12:00

Next time you bump into her, say hi and carry on walking

spanky2 · 29/10/2015 12:03

If she has depression or anxiety that might explain the last minute cancellations. Does she have a sick relative? Ask her, there might be a reasonable explanation . I've had to cancel friends today as I've got a migraine . Maybe her house is a tip and she's embarrassed. I'm sure it's not because of you, there's something going on with her.

Scarletforya · 29/10/2015 12:04

I would have blanked her long ago! Yanbu

howabout · 29/10/2015 12:08

YANBU
I have a friend like this. I don't blank her but I don't put myself out or wait around for her either. If we happen to meet in the street or she pops round and I have time I do still go for coffee with her and we always have fun, so maybe this would work for you.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 29/10/2015 12:09

I had a very similar experience. I was new to the area too, met a friendly woman at the local baby group and we got on great, met up with and without the kids, had a laugh together, all great. Then when we went back to work after mat leave, she started cancelling plans at the last minute and I got the distinct impression that now that she didn't have long days at home to fill up anymore, she wasn't that interested anymore.
I was a bit hurt at first but then I just thought it's one of those things. After the last cancelled meet up I left it to her to get in touch and she never did.

We're still "friends" on FB and comment on each other's family pics etc. If I run into her we have a friendly chat. But that's it.

Sorry I realise there is no advice for you in there but I guess if you're doing all the work and she's constantly unreliable then the friendship doesn't really bring you anything, so maybe just let it gently go?

ragged · 29/10/2015 12:15

Keep it civil but don't make any plans that depend on her.

cranberryx · 29/10/2015 13:36

I have cut contact with a person like this. Best friend throughout school and then suddenly started flaking on plans - think 'Can you pick me up at 6pm from my house?' I drive there only to see she sent a text 2 minutes to 6 to say that she's gone out with her mum, random friend, gone to the cinema, not feeling well etc and asking to re-arrange.

I told her after 5 times that I was clearly not a priority, she was very rude and if she clearly didn't want to see me that I would no longer be able to be friends with her.

2 years later she found out about my pregnancy, called to meet up and I thought she might have changed. 3 failed attempts later, I realised why she was in the past. There was always a better offer.

Don't make plans with this person, they will only disappoint you, it sounds like a good time to move on.

redexpat · 29/10/2015 15:45

I had one of these friends at uni. In the end i accepted her invitations but never invited her to anything. Sounds harsh but worked for us.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/10/2015 15:51

If you are going to cut contact with her, why not be honest with her - the next time she wants to arrange a meet-up, say that you are not keen because of the number of times she has cancelled at the last moment. Say it nicely, so if there is a good reason (depression, chronic illness, whatever), she can tell you - and if there is a reason, you can decide whether you want to go on with the friendship.

Original poster

Sisterelephant · 29/10/2015 17:31

I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first, but her excuses are rubbish, mostly she just forgot about another plan she made, even though we would text the night before to confirm.

I know sometimes things come up but personally I would make an extra effort to see someone if I've had to cancel on them a couple times.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sisterelephant · 29/10/2015 17:33

How do I brush her off gently?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2015 17:39

If you see her in the street just say hello and make civil chat. Don't arrange to meet up, and if she text just ignore them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/10/2015 18:01

I would, as I said, be direct.

"I don't want to arrange to meet up with you, because I am so sick of you cancelling on me at no notice".

She needs to know that her behaviour is not acceptable and that it pisses people off - and if you don't want to be her friend any more, why not tell her the truth?

manandbeast · 29/10/2015 18:09

Tell her - she might appreciate it.
And I say this as a reformed flake.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/10/2015 18:29

Just be direct... Don't let her down gently...!

These people need to know that their behaviour is unacceptable!

Be factual :

Of the last 15 times we've agreed to meet - none of these have happened... Most of them you have cancelled at 5 minutes notice... I do enjoy your company but I'm unwilling to spend yet more time being in inconvenienced just for you not to turn up.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 29/10/2015 18:39

I have a couple of friends who became really flakey, particularly after having children. I gave them the benefit of the doubt for ages, but I also have children and a full time job to juggle and I just cba any more. I've wasted too many weekends thinking I was seeing them only to be cancelled at late notice with some shitty excuse.

pinotblush · 29/10/2015 19:04

I have a friend like this, Ive known her 7 years now and she does have a bit of value still as she makes me laugh.

These people are not "flakey" they are simply selfish and believe their time is more important.

Just agree when she suggests it again and carry on as if it hasn't been said.

wizzywig · 29/10/2015 19:07

Or make plans but dont turn up

avocadoghost · 29/10/2015 19:20

Ugh I can't deal with flakes.

I had a friend like this. I just stopped trying to arrange to meet up. She messaged me a few months back saying we should go for a drink. I replied saying "yep, let me know when you're free". I haven't heard from her since. It seems to be a good tactic to use - leave it up to them and they'll never arrange anything!

maggiethemagpie · 29/10/2015 19:50

I had one of these friends. She flaked out on me regularly, there was always the better offer. After doing it four times in a row I ditched her, and haven't missed her one iota!

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