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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding present thank yous

98 replies

saltlakecity · 27/10/2015 11:03

I went to a friend's wedding in July. Aibu to think she/they would have sent thank you notes for presents by now. She asked for money so I gave £50 which to me is a lot.

Fwiw her wedding cost me around £200 with gift, new outfit (nothing older fit me), drinks etc. I couldn't go to the hen do as I was away but that would have been an additional £150 (not relevant I know as I didn't go).

I just think a thank you isn't too much to ask. I've not even had a text off her. Nothing. Aibu?

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 27/10/2015 19:33

I got married in July, I still haven't sent mine... Though only because I would feel like complete shite not sending thank you's to the ones who didn't even get us a card.

I've given it some though, and got so worked up about it, now I feel I've been given a kick up the arse, and I'll get me and DHs done this weekend.
I feel I've kind of got an excuse though... Most people who came to our wedding treated it like it was a mini break and pissed me off quite a bit, seeing as we paid for food, drinks and hotel for our lot.

TeaAndBisquits · 27/10/2015 19:43

We got married 5 months ago and we've still got ours to do! I'm so rubbish and unorganised at things like this though. New house, new job, children starting school (not very valid excuses I know!)

It's better to send them late than not at all though right?

StrumpersPlunkett · 27/10/2015 19:47

Euripedesralph, that always tends to be the reply of someone who doesn't send thank you's
Not big cheese for everyone, but also not a bad thing for people to know that others get a little offended if they aren't thanked.

StrumpersPlunkett · 27/10/2015 19:48

Tea I wouldn't mind at all if it was later than average the fact you have thought about it would be lovely

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 19:49

Anyone who has time to unwrap the gift or deposit/spend a gift of money has the 5 minutes it takes (if that) to write a brief note of thanks, locate a stamp and post it. A week or two delay is perhaps understandable if the gift arrives in the midst of wedding/honeymoon activities, but beyond that, it's laziness.

As others have said, work etc. is no excuse -- most people who write thank-you notes in a timely fashion have work, children, ill in-laws etc. It's a matter of prioritizing. I have to admit I do revise downward my opinion of those who have failed to take those five minutes to complete the ritual, after I've spend considerably more than five minutes pondering and shopping for the perfect gift to celebrate their milestone.

IndridCold · 27/10/2015 19:56

You don't think this is really quite petty? My belief was we give gifts to celebrate or make someone happy ..... Not to receive gratitude or thanks?

Petty? No!

A lot of people these days expect an awful lot from their wedding guests, not only for the day itself (give us this, don't give us that, travel halfway across the country and stay the night but leave your children at home, come to the service and the evening do, but not to the midday meal etc etc) but sometimes for the hen/stag dos as well.

It's surely not too much to ask to expect a quick thank you note after all that!

StealthPolarBear · 27/10/2015 19:57

I did wedding g thank yous back in the day when the photographers didn't do personalised card. I agree they're polite but...
There's a bit of competitive thank you card writing on this thread. I'm waiting for someone to say they wrote theirs on the way back down the aisle.
Plus if you asked for no gift and received them anyway I can understand why the 'gift' you'd want is the non necessity to send personalised messages in pretty cards.

Borninthe60s · 27/10/2015 20:38

We once received a thank you nine months after the event....and it was a handwritten note! Not sure if it took them that long to realise who the card and money was from (old neighbours, we didn't go to the wedding)!

Faye12345 · 27/10/2015 20:39

Yanbu we sent ours as soon as we returned from honeymoon!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2015 20:41

I still haven't sent mine... Though only because I would feel like complete shite not sending thank you's to the ones who didn't even get us a card

Surely there's no need to feel bad about that? After all you're thanking guests for gifts, etc, and if they didn't send anything ...

I'm waiting for someone to say they wrote theirs on the way back down the aisle

A bit late, don't you think? After all there's a perfectly good flat surface available when you sign the register Wink Grin

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 20:45

I don't think it's petty. Our social relationships involve ritual and mutual communication and if someone drops her end of the communication it leaves an awkward gap. I hold myself to fairly high standards in terms of graciously giving and receiving hospitality, gifts etc. and I enjoy interacting with people who understand and employ these symbolic gestures.

Sure, a text might say the same thing as a note. And handing someone a damp used bath towel at the dinner table, to use as a serviette/napkin, would get the job done as well as would a pretty ironed serviette. But there is a world of difference between the effort and aesthetics involved in those approaches to achieving the same end.

Reducing everything in life to the lowest common denominator because it's "easier" and we are "so busy" is not my goal in life. I enjoy friends who, like me, make an effort.

SilverShadows · 27/10/2015 20:47

I got married 2nd Oct, and put thank you cards in with xmas cards. Saved on the postage!

Onthepigsback · 27/10/2015 20:47

Wedding etiquette is that you have a year to send your thank you notes for gifts. Honestly there is no way I could have gotten mine out in less than 6 months. Firstly I had to get back from honeymoon 3 weeks after the wedding. Then I had to get the photos from the photographer and choose one to print as a thank you card. Then had to wait for them to arrive and write them to approximately 100 people/couples, putting a personal note in each, this took quite a bit of time. Finally, I got pregnant on honeymoon and didn't stop vomiting for 5 months so could barely shower or go to the loo for 5 months so that held things up too.

So YABU. But if you still dont have a thank you by July next year, then you can complain I think.

SilverShadows · 27/10/2015 20:48

6 years ago, not 3 weeks ago!

Unreasonablebetty · 27/10/2015 21:12

As this is being discussed, is a handwritten note on posh stationery ok? My hand writing is appalling, and changes from paragraph to paragraph, but to me, the fact that it's a hand written letter would signify that it's more of a heartfelt gesture. It's a bit of a minefield as I don't want to seem as though we haven't given due thought or attention.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2015 21:31

is a handwritten note on posh stationery ok?

Personally I'd say a handwritten note would be lovely Smile Your handwriting isn't important - it's the fact you'll have bothered which matters most and I'm sure your guests will love the gesture

LeaLeander · 27/10/2015 21:34

No, no. Wedding etiquette absolutely does not give recipients a YEAR to get out thank-you notes. A few weeks, at most. That fallacy is merely wishful thinking on the part of people who don't want to make thanking their friends and family a priority over umpteen other activities.

Traditional etiquette gives well-wishers a year to GIVE gifts to the bridal couple. That harks back to olden days when communication was not as swift as it is now and you might not hear about a wedding for some time, or might have to send a parcel via a slow method.

I have collected 20th century and 21st century etiquette books for more than 30 years and I assure you that every etiquette authority says notes should go out in weeks, not months or years. By return post if at all possible, before the gift is used, displayed or spent. Photos can be sent later.

Euripidesralph · 27/10/2015 21:41

I am really genuinely shocked if anyone who came to my wedding saw it as such a huge burden honestly I'd much rather they hadnt come , what a disturbing view, there was no gift expectation nor large travel distance or dress code, so why exactly were my guests so harshly our upon?

I did send thank yous but honestly if this is how they are viewed as a societal obligation that people were counting the days until I really wish we hadn't now

I thought the point of attending a wedding was to celebrate the happiness of the parties?

Whilst I agree that our society runs on customs and processes , they tend to be more relevant in terms of economy development and progressive and cultural morays that ensure the safety of the vulnerable and the protection from aggression, not because you felt forced togo a wedding and then expect tangible proof of the self sacrifice

I'm genuinely gobsmacked at this attitude, met people I know would rather these Attitudes stayed at home rather than attend their weddings.

I suspect I'd better bow out now but it's certainly with a horrible taste in the mouth.

19lottie82 · 27/10/2015 22:35

The day after our wedding we left for honeymoon @ 430pm. I sat and wrote out 45 ish than you cards and posted them all before we left. I wouldn't have been able to relax on holiday if I hadn't!

WizardOfToss · 27/10/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tacky · 27/10/2015 22:39

I can't bring myself to send thank you cards to those that didn't send us thank you cards. Petty .. probably but it suits the lazier side of me.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/10/2015 22:59

Oh, calm down, Euripides Hmm

Nobody was 'counting the days' until they received your thankyou cards. People are just making the point that most wedding guests do go to some effort that is above and beyond, say, turning up for a back yard barbecue. It is not a huge sacrifice on their part, but then again, nor is writing a quick note to thank them for coming.

NotCitrus · 27/10/2015 23:10

I got married over 10 years ago and still feel guilty about not sending most people thank-you letters.
I was pretty ill at the time, not sure I'd be able to stand for the whole 20-min ceremony, and with that and huge amounts of stress, ended up sleeping for most of the honeymoon and the next few months were all struggling to work then crashing as soon as I got home. And I can't hold a pen to write more than a signature most of the time.
MrNC is severely dyslexic and can't handwrite anything legible.

We managed a note to my grandfather (my only relative other than parents), he phoned his family, and our friends just got to see photos and various online thanks, and I've repeatedly said that I still love using my crockery set that over 30 people contributed to (a plate or bowl or teacup each).

Being friends, they as far as I know are fine with that. Though I have various ex-friends and arsy distant family who think anyone can write a 'quick note' - I did one for my grandpa's 80th and spent the next two months in agony, so not doing that again!

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