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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding present thank yous

98 replies

saltlakecity · 27/10/2015 11:03

I went to a friend's wedding in July. Aibu to think she/they would have sent thank you notes for presents by now. She asked for money so I gave £50 which to me is a lot.

Fwiw her wedding cost me around £200 with gift, new outfit (nothing older fit me), drinks etc. I couldn't go to the hen do as I was away but that would have been an additional £150 (not relevant I know as I didn't go).

I just think a thank you isn't too much to ask. I've not even had a text off her. Nothing. Aibu?

OP posts:

MrsCaecilius · 27/10/2015 12:08

I remember one wedding I went to where the couple asked for cash (which I have an issue with, but that's another thread...), which I duly did.

Their 'thank you' was a round robin Facebook message to everyone who'd been at the wedding saying 'cheers guys, thanks for the money!'

They won't be getting any more presents from me.

PrimeraVez · 27/10/2015 12:09

I went to 4 weddings this summer. All 4 involved me flying back to the UK from overseas (I'm an expat), buying train tickets or hiring a car and buying a gift. For 3 of the 4, I also had to pay for overnight accommodation. Oh, and I am also pregnant. Only one of the four has sent a (very lovely) thank you letter. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it but it has honestly changed the way I see some people and the way I will view our friendship in the future.

FWIW, I sent all of our thank you letters out less than a fortnight after the wedding. An afternoon sat at the kitchen table was all it took and it was actually quite enjoyable reminiscing about the day and remembering how kind our friends and family had been.

Imogenlasting · 27/10/2015 12:10

I think, in some cases, it's yet another sign of how self indulgent some weddings have become. The guests are expected to bend over backwards to facilitate the bride and groom; travelling long distances, taking several days leave from work, attending ever more extravagant hen and stag parties, handing over cash donations for luxury honeymoons and so on, but the bride and groom have no reciprocal duty to actually thank the guests for their gifts. Because it's all about THEM.

PrimeraVez · 27/10/2015 12:10

PS We did a photocard but had expressly asked the photographer to prioritise sending us one nice shot of us both that we could use.

LauraChant · 27/10/2015 12:14

(as an aside, who takes a year to give a wedding present!!)

Me. The couple wanted cash, fair enough as they live in a different country to the one they got married in. I took a cheque in a card but forgot to give it to them on the day. I posted it but they had moved without telling me and were unable to retrieve it. I then tried to transfer it to their account but it wouldn't go through. In the end, by the time I had got a viable account number from them and got round to transferring the money, almost a year had passed....

DisappointedOne · 27/10/2015 12:18

Yanbu I am saddened by the current trend believing that thank your are unnecessary

Me too. I am fastidious about saying thank you.

Although I got my head bitten off last week when I thanked a school child's grandparent for making and donating cakes for a school event.

Emjones88 · 27/10/2015 12:18

Definitely YANBU. We sat down and opened everything, making a list of what was from who, the Monday after our wedding and sent the thank you's before honeymoon. It's not hard.

ZanyMobster · 27/10/2015 12:20

I was thinking the same, my SIL got married last Xmas and we received a thank you about 5 months later and it was a generic one they had printed and just wrote our names on the top, if you're going to take 5 months then at least write a personal message!

Another close friend got married early August, I spent over £500 on attending her hen do but couldn't attend the wedding as we had already booked a holiday when she told us the date of the wedding. I sent money (it was only £30 so maybe a bit tight but they gave us a tenner so I thought it was ok) and I have not even had a text to say thanks

iwantgin · 27/10/2015 12:23

I am still waiting on a thank you from almost 3 years ago (£150 to a family member) and a friend of DH this summer (£50 and champers).

I guess it's too late now.

Even a text or an email would have been fine, but nothing.

Jackiebrambles · 27/10/2015 12:34

I agree it's really crap not to say thank you. I'd give them a couple of months though as they might be doing personalized cards.

I was unable to attend a friends wedding as it was the same day as a family wedding and i sent a gift worth £50 - a lot for me as I was quite young at the time she not earning much. Never got a thank you card and tbh was really shocked.

It was 10 years ago and they are divorced now but I still hold a small grudge!

Gatehouse77 · 27/10/2015 12:42

I wrote my on honeymoon too.

However, an awkward situation arose last year. We'd been to a wedding, picked a gift from the bespoke website/gift list and hung on to the confirmation email to be on the safe side.

A while after the wedding, at least 3 months, DH asked the couple if they had received the gift so I could delete the email. Indignant reply from the bride that thank you letters had been sent out. Turned out that a bunch of them had been lost in the post and she was mortified to realise that people thought she'd not sent them.

Babelange · 27/10/2015 12:47

Astonishing! I don't get the appropriation of marriage traditions (sending invitations out, RSVP-ing, speeches, a gift-list etc) and then NOT sending thank yous - surely this is part of it too??? I certainly sent personalised letters AND when DM passed away suddenly a few years ago, all the people who gave to the charity we suggested ALSO got personalised letters. (Sorry that wasn't really related, but you get my drift).

My DF gave her niece £1000 cheque for their wedding - and NOTHING - not even a thank you in person (or on Fbk)!

DH's nephew got married a few years ago - we had to take time off work and 2 night's in a hotel with 2 children (buying them new garb) - they thanked us in person for coming but we never received a letter afterwards. I was irritated especially as it was from their gift list, I would have expected this to be acknowledged and we brought along DH's aged DM who would have appreciated it. As an aside we didn't go to other nephew's wedding as this ended up being a 'word of mouth' invitation which never reached us - apparently (and it was themed - gawd).

Ludoole · 27/10/2015 12:51

We didnt but then we also said we didnt want gifts. Dh is ill and im still working and we just havent had time. Its been 3 months since we married.
Im really hoping nobody is offended

Pinkhousealreadyinuse · 27/10/2015 12:56

Might be a bit strange but I absolutely hate RECEIVING thank you cards. They are pointless, waste of paper which you'll keep for about a month or so before flinging in the bin. Would be pleased not to receive one. In saying that, I write them because I feel the pressure to do so but I wish everyone was a bit like me so there's no stress to give or receive silly bits of paper. I don't give a gift to receive a thank you.

middlings · 27/10/2015 12:56

Laura that's a bit different as you did try to give the gift - sounds like you tried very hard!

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 27/10/2015 12:59

I don't think that you need to do thank you notes on honeymoon but I sent mine out within 6-8 weeks, I think. I had maybe 80 to write and was doing a very demanding job at the time. One of my closest friends took almost a year to send her thank you notes out which is strange as she is the kind of person who writes lovely thank you notes when she's just come to my house for lunch. I think she just got overwhelmed! I teased her about it a lot!

Tomatoesareyum · 27/10/2015 13:16

In my opinion it's utterly unacceptable not to write thank you notes and beyond rude. Yes, it's dull and boring but it's the right thing to do.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/10/2015 13:17

'I don't give a gift to receive a thank you' completely misses the point.

I don't give gifts to receive a thank you, either. I don't help people pick up dropped items to receive a thank you, or bring in takeaway coffees for my coworkers to receive a thank you, or let someone go before me in the supermarket to receive a thank you.

That doesn't mean it's not bloody rude of them if they don't bother saying it!

MatildaTheCat · 27/10/2015 13:18

The trouble is that yes, people do notice and remember if they aren't thanked for gifts (any gifts). It's just basic manners. Ludoodle, sorry to hear your dh is ill. Could he perhaps do some thank yous while resting? It's not too late quite.

OP YANBU.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/10/2015 13:21

Yeah, the 'busy working' excuse doesn't really wash. We're all busy, it's a matter of priorities.

The notes don't have to be elaborate, fgs. A pack of pretty cards, thanks for coming and for the lovely gift, bam. Done.

Needaninsight · 27/10/2015 13:22

Incredibly rude not to send out thank you cards imo.

I sent out 70 thank you cards, all handwritten, personalised etc within 3 weeks of our wedding. No excuse at all given we had a baby at the time too (and was pg with the second!)

Also rude not to say thank you for new baby gifts and cards.

TeamScoutRifle · 27/10/2015 13:30

Still waiting for mine from quite a few weddings...
I sent mine in the week following my wedding...my mum made sure I did it quickly.

PurpleTreeFrog · 27/10/2015 13:36

Yeah, the 'busy working' excuse doesn't really wash

Agreed, if you had time to plan a wedding (even a small, simple one) and invite guests, you've got time to write a note.

circlelake · 27/10/2015 13:57

I just did almost 70 for DC3s baby gifts. (I learned this time and kept a list of who and what)

I'm a bit annoyed tbh that my mum and MIL were exclusively hassling me to find out if gifts had arrived (in other words subtly hinting about getting the cards out) whereas DH didn't care. He doesn't seem to have been raised to write thank yous, but MIL was clearly expecting them. My mum always got me to do them.

How come it's one of those crappy tasks that women often end up with?

I've been getting my oldest to do a simple one now they can write and some of their friends do them too.

Emjones88 · 27/10/2015 13:59

Slightly taking a side road, a pp wrote,
they were greedy enough to ask for money
I don't think it's greedy at all, most couples live together before marriage so have everything. Surely money towards a desired, too expensive for one person to buy item or honeymoon is better than gift that match what they already have? Really don't see it as greedy. Also generally it's put that the couple aren't asking for money but that they have all they need. Ours did and others I've attended said something similar.

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