Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how many tantrums a day your kids throw?

79 replies

hairbrushbedhair · 24/10/2015 23:10

DS is 3.1

I could be a really shit parent. (I hope not, I'm trying very hard!)

Or it could be so totally normal?

He has thrown at least 6 wobblys that resulted in glares from passers by today.

DH is hyper sensetive and can't stand any form of attention drawn and is now suggesting we simply stop taking him out in public Confused but I do get that he is at the end of his patience. I've come home in tears myself before now with the tantrums.

He has no diagnosis. I do have concerns about his development behaviourally and have another thread in sn children but iv done m-chat and he comes out low risk, so whatever's happening I don't think we can say it's likely to be explained by an ASD

On top of these 6+ incidents there have been several at home.

Are some kids just like this? Should I just tell DH we just need to suck it up?

It's not like we give in to the tantrums. I have tried giving in to stop a tantrum but he tantrums the other way anyhow eg today he didn't want to go in a shop - starts loudly crying that he doesn't want to and trying to push me away from the shop, so I said ok fine we'll wait outside then (for DH) in the hope he'd calm down but then he's screaming he wants to go in the shop... (It wasn't a shopping trip, he wasn't tired, it was a 2 min dash to get an essential)

DH keeps pointing out we don't see other kids his age behaving like it very often in the street...

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:11

Not going to activities later that day
Not getting a treat

I wouldn't use either of those tbh - they definitely wouldn't be effective with my 5 year old and probably much less a three year old.

Not going somewhere later that day isn't immediate enough and not getting a treat that's not even materialised yet isn't really losing something iyswim?

IMO probably weird opinion, managing a tantrumming child is similar to training a puppy. You need to give a child an immediate metaphorical 'tap on the nose' for them to link their actions with the consequences.

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:12

I don't scream at him, but I do use a stern deeper louder voice when telling him things

I certainly don't use a tinkly or pleading voice etc,

If anything iv been told by relatives im too strict... But whichever way I go it doesn't work as one found out when they undermined me and bought him an ice cream anyway - he tantrummed because he then didn't want it!

OP posts:
Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:15

What would you use? In a public situation? When you can't get home for at least 30 mins? (Non driver)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:18

'managing a tantrumming child is similar to training a puppy'

I must be weird too and was thinking the same and would have used a short firm no (with eye contact if possible) if the ignoring wasn't working.

It probably didn't work either, I seem to have blocked the results section of the experience out alongside the general distress such loud emotional outbursts cause Grin

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:22

Bloody hell it's stressful isn't it??

Why? Why do we do it??

And then have more!

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:26

Grinyes I really want DC2 to materialise someday though after today I think DH is seriously questioning his ability to cope with any more. DS was a dream though as a baby, we could take him anywhere until he was about 1. Even a posh restaurant, he'd have just smiled and charmed everyone and been totally inoffensive!

Now I question if it would be fair to subject him to diners in McD's!

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:30

Things I've used before (and still now).

If we've been at a park/party and it is possible to leave, then the threat of leaving - and doing so.

If we're out walking (town or country) and he starts, he inevitably stops moving or slows down. I've told him that he has one minute to stop and keep walking or he will hold my hand until we get all the way to X (suitably far distance). He hates holding hands, he wants to be treated like a big boy like ds1 (age 7) so it's a fairly scary threat for him. Once, about a year ago, the threat of holding hands didn't work so my next sanction was to threaten to carry him all the way to X, which for ds1 would be akin to be given a dummy and nappy lol. He pretty much called my bluff and I carried him kicking and screaming for 10 minutes until we'd gotten the distance I threatened. It nearly broke my back, but that's probably the best example of a sanction that's worked instantly and long term. Sometimes when out now I need to carry out the holding his hand threat - but although I've told him what's coming next, never has he pushed it far enough to make me carry him again. I know this is unlikely to work with a dc who doesn't mind being carried though!

If we're in a shop with dh and ds1 then I would use the 'we will wait outside until you've stopped' and stand outside the shop with him, not engaging at all. I don't see this as ignoring the tantrum as such as the standing outside the shop is part of the sanction itself iyswim?

The main thing I've learnt the hard way is that you cannot be cowed by other peoples dirty looks or shitty comments. If ds2 senses i'm getting flustered or embarrassed it's like a red rag to a bull and he escalates on purpose. Fuck them all. Meet their eye and give them your best death stare until they look away (they will, they always do!)

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:35

If you choose to eat in at McDs rather than using the drive by you fucking deserve an ear bashing! (I always found that looking at them when they're peacefully asleep and as though butter wouldn't melt helps 'reconnect' to them as the beautiful amazing beings that they are helps if it's all getting a bit too much).

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:35

Yeah... He wants to hold my hand and wants to be carried or pushed in his buggy. He's regressed massively since turning 3 and starting nursery as he used to not want to do those things but now he even asks me to hold his hand at home to go grab a toy sometimes!!

OP posts:
Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:38

I don't generally eat in McD's (it was theoretical) but I'd look really odd in a drive by Grin I don't drive

OP posts:
Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:40

He is adorable when he's nice

A bit like that kids story. Matilda? Charlie and choc factory?

'When he's nice he's really really nice but when he's bad he's a nightmare'

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:41

Has it got worse since he started nursery? Wondering whether it's unsettled him a bit maybe?

I know DD2 (who's 5 now) got a bit clingy when she first started, and such a bit change is going to be a bit freaky if you're unused to it. She soon settled down though.

SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:43

The reverse might work. If you're happy to push him in his buggy, or carry him and he starts, tell him you're not going to carry on pushing/carrying him if he can't behave nicely and put him down or make him get out and walk. Give him a distance as a set sanction 'You have one minute to stop that or I will put you down and you will need to walk all the way to X'. It might take a while (!) but may have the same effect as long as you have the patience to see it through.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:43

Although she's never really thrown tantrums, so like others have said just because one has it doesn't mean your next one will too.

SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:44

And the time to see it through! Probably not a tactic to use if you're rushing!

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:47

He has got worse but he was already in another previously so used to being left.

The teachers keep insisting he's settling fine, making friends, no tantrums there, even uses the toilet there!

He says otherwise, says he has no friends and doesn't like it (on the way there) but always says he had a good day and talks about activities and other children (on the way home)

It's a nursery with a great reputation, staff have been there for years and well known in community so no reason not to believe them

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:47

I agree Agent - ds1 is 7 and I can't even really remember any tantrums he's had. He just doesn't. He's so laid back he's practically horizontal, he's calm and quiet and mature and would be mortified at the thought of causing a scene.

Ds2 is completely the opposite. He's loud, he's like a bouncy puppy and very prone to general whinging/shouting/strops and tantrums. It was a bit of a culture shock after ds1 being so calm!

SummerNights1986 · 25/10/2015 01:51

I think very often the child that goes to school is a different one to the one at home!

Ds2 has had nothing but glowing reports from school. When we had his first reception parents evening I tentatively asked how his behaviour was and if he'd had any tantrums/if they were dealing with his behaviour OK. The teacher looked at me like i'd lost the plot Confused. I don't think ds2 has ever tantrummed in school, i'm constantly told how sunny and helpful and well behaved he is!

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:54

I don't know if I am happy about using the buggy. Just draws even more attention as he's tall and another thing people are judgey over if he's tantrumming.

Got told I was a lazy parent and it was purely for my convenience by one miserable bitch old woman the other day. (Damn right it was for my convenience! I didn't want to carry my tall heavy child whilst he was tantrumming)

But since has made me super concious about him using it when not sleeping or in the evening

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:55

It's always a good sign (as well as bloody typical) if they're behaving for everyone else and not for you. You should count that as a parenting success!

Now I've thought about it more I think the answer is that there isn't An Answer (same as all the problems you come across whatever their age) and (at the same time as trying to be consistent, HA!) you have to try different things to find what works for you and then just prey plug away at it.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:58

'I think very often the child that goes to school is a different one to the one at home!'

So true.

And it really fucks their head when the two contexts come together at parents evening Grin

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:01

Yep. I guess.

I'm still uncertain if this is just normal for some kids (this frequency) or if there's something more going on.

But yes he does behave for other people, unless they know him well, he would tantrum with any extended family member or close family friend but would behave for nursery teachers or crèche staff iyswim

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:03

I got told off for not putting socks/shoes on DD2, when she was in the pushchair...it was a hot summer day...and she wasn't even old enough to bloody walk!

Practice your Hmm face and use with a scatter gun approach.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2015 01:04

Give yourself a set time, say 3 or 6 months, and then reassess.

If you're really worried talk to your HV, I'm sure they'll be able to reassure you.

Original poster
hairbrushbedhair · 25/10/2015 01:10

lol I know

I do need thicker skin when it comes to judgey people we encounter. DH is far far less able to shrug it off than me even though and gets really upset. Today he asked why we have a problem child and it broke my heart that he feels so embarrassed by DS in public. He adores DS, and spends a lot of quality time with him and it would be gutting for them both if he really can't handle taking him to public places on his own

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread