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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should they speak my language?

68 replies

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 18:59

Please tell me if IABU! I'm unsure whether I need to just suck it up or say something.

I live in a houseshare (London) with dp and another couple. Dp and other couple are from a different European country and of course share the same first language (which I am trying to learn).

All day we have been in the house together sharing the communal spaces. All day there has been their programmes on the television in their language and they have been speaking in their language.

So basically I have been sat in a room with three people speaking in a language I cannot understand and background television on which I also can't understand. Every now and again dp will translate a part of the conversation to ask my opinion or give me the jist.

To be honest I'm now pissed off and watching television in our room with a glass of wine working out if I should say something or not.

So come on AIBU? Should I point out how bloody boring isolated and rude it feels when everyone is capable of speaking the same language but not?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 24/10/2015 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HackerFucker22 · 24/10/2015 19:04

Used to happen with my friend and her ex. She lived with him and several housemates who used to converse solely in their first language. She sadly didn't see this as a warning sign her DP was a selfish arsehole who couldn't care less about my friends happiness and wellbeing

I'd personally say something. I assume they all speak a bit of English? It's just rude and exclusionary....

VocationalGoat · 24/10/2015 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elelfrance · 24/10/2015 19:11

i've been in this situation years ago, but from the other side : living with other English speakers in another country, and one of our flatmates had a girlfriend from that country who didn't speak english.

its very unnatural to speak a foreign language to people who are native speakers of your language, and as a PP has said, very tiring after a day of working/studying in a foreign language to have to keep up that level of concentration durong evenings and weekends.

however, your DP should care enough about you to make sure you're not left out : he should translate if needs be, or whatever. Its him that should be making the effort, i don't think you can expect much of the others.

PollysHoliday · 24/10/2015 19:12

I don't think yabu. You can't dictate what the other couple do but your DH should certainly be more thoughtful. If the other couple converse with him in their home language in front of you I think that he should respond in English. He should start conversations in your presence in English. Around half of the TV time should be in English. Obviously if you're not there they can all speak in their home language to their hearts' content.

winchester1 · 24/10/2015 19:13

Do you speak and make conversation in English? Maybe they forget that you ca t join in.
I live abroad and don't speak the language well and its annoying sometimes to feel left out. I either just switch the telly over or start a conversation in English with my oh. Nowadays I can do a simple one to one with someone in the local language so its getting easier so do work on your speaking of your oh language.

catfordbetty · 24/10/2015 19:14

Change the TV Channel and/or the dp.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 19:14

I understand it can be tiring for them to constantly be speaking English and I understand this is their home and they want to relax, but they all have a good grasp of the language.

I don't know today it has just been pissing me off. Sat there with a conversation I can't join and television I can't understand.

Just spoke to dp about it. (He came upstairs to find out what's wrong) we both don't know if IABU

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2015 19:19

He should be translating everything. Or at least swapping.

What language is it? [nosy]

Aposey · 24/10/2015 19:20

You have my sympathies, I am often in a very similar situation. YANBU but you need to find a compromise quickly, maybe that every other day they will switch between their language and yours? So you know that even if you spend a day feeling like a bit of an outcast from your own home (that could be me projecting!) then at least you'll know you will all be speaking the same language tomorrow.

My DP is Dutch, and I love him and his family, but within about 3 days around them I am about ready to kill them all since it is so isolating to be the only one who doesnt understand anything that is going on! They don't even understand that I get pissed when I hear my name and I know they are talking about me in a language I cant understand FFS!

Learning a language is hard work, depending on how fluent your DP is in English then he should know and be keen to give you a break and help you learn without feeling excluded!

Good luck, and I really hope you do a better job than me, Ive been with DP for over 5 years and because I really struggle with Dutch (its hard! And DP wont even help me learn!) Im accused of driving a wedge between him and his family!

Sorry, that has turned into a rant about my own situation.

TLDR: Speak to your dp about it soon and I hope you find a solution!

yeOldeTrout · 24/10/2015 19:21

learn some really funny phrases in their language, like
"You're so ugly you make onions cry"
and interject them at random intervals.

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2015 19:24

YANBU OP. I have lived with many peopel of many different nationalities in jobs of various strees levels.

It's rude. And I'd have probably wandered off by midday pub, newspapers

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2015 19:26

Despite what the above looks like, I am a native English speaker.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 19:26

To be fair if I speak in English the other couple will respond.

This is a short AIBU as dp and I have just spoken to them and they have agreed to watch an English speaking movie after tea.

Also dp made a point just now of saying 'English please, my name is here'.

I must just be in a bad mood today!

OP posts:

winchester1 · 24/10/2015 19:29

Sounds like a good compromise.

Booyaka · 24/10/2015 19:30

I would suggest if you can move out to be just the two of you do that. Otherwise try and make spaces in the house where you can spend more time alone. Is you room big enough for seats or a small dining room & a TV.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 19:31

aposey that made me laugh as one language I do know is Dutch! Sorry and thank you for the sympathy!

mrsTerryPratchett it's Spanish but I have a speach defect which makes it hard for me to grasp their language! My tongue won't do what it's told!

We have Bluetooth speakers and the other day I was using it with google translate to spew out all sorts of random phrases!

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 24/10/2015 19:31

Would suit me as I wouldn't want to socialise, so would be a good excuse not to.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2015 19:33

How come he can't see that's unreasonable? It would make me want to go off and live with people who did speak my own language.

Allalonenow · 24/10/2015 19:33

YANBU
Your DP should be makng more of an effort to include you in the conversations, and you should be able to watch TV in the communal part of the house in English when you want to.

You need to discuss how you feel with your DP and ask for his support, how he responds will tell you a lot about him.
You should speed up on learning his language, keep asking them what they are saying, work hard at learning.
As an aside, watching TV (especially news) is often recomended as a way to help with a new language, as it is at conversation speed with a wide vocabulary.

sweetvparsley · 24/10/2015 19:37

I would recommend putting up with it as much as you can because it will shorten the time that it takes for you to learn the language. I sympathise though as I have spent a frustrating couple of holidays with my husband's family when I felt (unintentionally) excluded.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 19:37

aposey

Sorry I just read your post again, driving a wedge between him and his family?!? That's pathetic! Your dh should help you learn or speak up for you!

Dps family don't speak any English and it's very hard when we visit, but I always do make the effort! As far as I am concerned as long as I have the very basic and my manners I'm doing okay!

OP posts:

Mistigri · 24/10/2015 19:41

I'd see this as an opportunity to learn your DP's language :)

But I would expect him to attempt to involve you in the conversation too.

We are a bilingual household and choice of language is not always easy especially where there are speakers of two or more languages.

Also if your DP and friends are speaking english all day it is probably a relief to be able to speak in their native language at home.

ipsos · 24/10/2015 19:48

How about if you and dp watched tv and talking in your language together in your room? It sounds as if you are putting effort into the group relationship at the expense of your relationship with dp.

combined02 · 24/10/2015 19:55

Your dp sounds sweet! I'd probably want him to talk in English in the group setting (to you and to the other 2) but I wouldn't mind about the other 2, though hopefully if your dp is speaking English they will a bit too. It is great learning another language, and so definitely get onto duolingo!

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