Should they speak my language?

[TheDeverellWoman]

Please tell me if IABU! I'm unsure whether I need to just suck it up or say something.

I live in a houseshare (London) with dp and another couple. Dp and other couple are from a different European country and of course share the same first language (which I am trying to learn).

All day we have been in the house together sharing the communal spaces. All day there has been their programmes on the television in their language and they have been speaking in their language.

So basically I have been sat in a room with three people speaking in a language I cannot understand and background television on which I also can't understand. Every now and again dp will translate a part of the conversation to ask my opinion or give me the jist.

To be honest I'm now pissed off and watching television in our room with a glass of wine working out if I should say something or not.

So come on AIBU? Should I point out how bloody boring isolated and rude it feels when everyone is capable of speaking the same language but not?

You do need to pull your socks up a bit, though, OP. Spanish is probably the easiest European language to learn (not perfectly, but with a decent understanding), so that even if you cannot answer in Spanish you should be able to understand what they are saying within the first few months.

I find this kind of comment so arrogant and irritating. You might not find it hard to learn languages but for some people (e.g. me) it is incredibly difficult and time consuming and really not worth the effort if you don't intend to live in the country.

Spanish speakers are the absolute worst at remembering to include non-Spanish speakers when they are in a group. It's the same with English speakers, a mindset where they almost don't believe that someone just doesn't understand a word of their language.

I find it quite funny when I'm around Spanish speakers as they are so oblivious to the non- Spanish speaking world. It is rude but it means it's easier to learn the language as you're always immersed.

In general, however, it's considered rude to exclude someone who doesn't speak your language and I would find it hard to deal with it non-stop in my home. I bet you'll be fluent pretty soon though!

I would say "either we speak so everyone can understand or I get to see TV in English - which you can all understand anyway but at least I'm not excluded from both TV and conversation."

I had the opposite situation to you OP. I once lived in a houseshare where everyone bar me was Italian. They were all so nice they would speak in English whenever I was around. I ended up feeling so guilty that they couldn't just have a relaxing chat in their native language that I relegated myself to my bedroom most of the time.

Yikes, that would drive me mad.

Try and find a compromise.

In your shoes I would tell your dp how you feel and find some way for you to feel more comfortable in your own home.

Your dp chose to move to a country where they don't speak his first language, and to be with someone who did not speak his first language, and you chose to someone whose first language you did not speak and to move into a home with two other people who speak a language you do not speak. Maybe you did not realise that they would be speaking another language quite so often.

I think it's rude to expect someone to speak English instead of their native tongue, in any circumstances.

Want to understand what someone else is saying? Learn their language.

Only Anglophone monoglots think everyone should speak English because it's a 'common language' that absolves them of the effort of learning other languages.

Compared with German or Greek, Spanish is very easy. Stop moaning and enjoy the opportunity to practise.

Can you try learning his language?

If multiple nationalities are in a room, they need to speak the language that everyone understands. Otherwise they're deliberately excluding you.

I would talk to DP about it, ask to be included.

they need to speak the language that everyone understands
This is actually MUCH harder than most monoglots realise.

Otherwise they're deliberately excluding you.
Bullshit (see above).

This is actually MUCH harder than most monoglots realise.

I speak spanish, albeit not well, but I can hold a conversation. I would not speak in english if I knew someone there could not and would be excluded from the gorup. I have bilingual friends who are actually fluent who share the same sentiments we almost always speak in english because my spanish makes them cringe, but that's a story for a different day. It can be mentally exhausting to speak a different language, yes. But if only one person can't speak your language, then you switch over. It really is that simple.

They can wait until OP leaves or at the very least help her out if she's learning. It's not like they're actually in Spain/Mexico/whereever. They chose to live in an English speaking country, they can speak the language. I'm sure they do it all the time for work and day to day interactions. It's fine between the couple. But when you have three people who are speaking it with one person who cannot when you are capable of speaking in their language it is deliberate exclusion.

I've had this...

It's boring, isolating... I've had whole days with my in-laws where I've understood sweet FA...

I've also had the experience of being 'given a decision', as if I have no opinion unless I can speak fluent dialect.

I speak English/French and German... Partner is German....

His family speak a very dialectical form of German... Even native German speakers find it difficult to understand

Some of our younger family members make the effort to speak Hochdeutsch when I'm there so at least I can join in....
Most don't....

I feel I've done my bit (speak good German), but the dialect is impenetrable...

I think there is a wider issue of most brits being monoglots...
Other European countries are exposed to much more English in their native country... Eg films, music etc. It seems they grow up with English around them.

There is also often an assumption that if you speak their language, you should be happy for them to continually practise their English on you! They have so many more situations to practise!

I like the fact you talked to him and he was upset that you were upset because it hadn't occurred to him there was a problem.
I'd keep doing that, both of you. Keep using your words to explain what's wrong and it will go much better than silence, withdrawing and leaving a bewildered and grumpy silence between you.

OP if you could improve your Spanish comprehensio, the compromise might involve listening to them talk in Spanish but speaking in English yourself :)

Multilingual people are usually comfortable with swapping between languages. I recently had a Spanish student here, and she and my daughter communicated variously in Spanish, French and english, sometimes in the same conversation and even in the same sentence!

IMO they should make a bit more of an effort to speak English. After all they are in England. If you were in their country it would be another matter.

YANBU at all.

I sit week after week at my inlaws in silence because they speak their native language and I don't. They will also randomly switch to complain about me or say something they don't want me to know. All UK born. It is seriously rude.

Aposy when I first met (now) DH I didn't speak his language, and when I first met his parents I didn't. I went on a course when we moved in together because you can't just make no attempt to understand the mother tongue of the person you want to spend your life with and have bilingual kids with. Language is so important, it is so much a part of who you are and how you think. If you don't know at least a bit of somebody's language and how its different to yours its a barrier to knowing them and a source of misunderstanding even if they speak your language fluently, especially if words are important to either of you. :o It was a short course as I was in the middle of teacher training and then NQT year at the time and I didn't really have the head space. On visits to his parents we managed "by hand and foot" mostly, and after a few glasses of wine I'd try to speak their language.

Now I live in his country, my kids are fully bilingual and do the unconscious code switching among themselves but speak English to me and the community language outside the home. I have no talent for languages so my accent is dreadful and my grammar flakey, but I have just started another course to help with the grammar.

15 years ago when DH and I first met I didn't speak his language and I felt rude expecting people to speak mine.

Now I do speak his language day in day out its a relief to be able to come home and speak English to my DH and kids. I know in my first years here it would totally wipe me out to go on mums nights outs and have to speak German all evening - it is exhausting to try to speak in a group for hours on end unless you are properly bilingual - if you just have "a good grasp" it is totally draining after an hour or two.

OP you and your DP sound so reasonable though - the discussion isn't about you now, you sound great! We had the name conundrum too... DC1 & 2 have international names but they still get pronounced differently in the local dialect! DC3 ended up with a classic "English" name which is the only one everyone pronounces the same way!

tywin there's more going on there than the language then isn't there? If they switch languages to complain about you or say something they don't want you to know they are not very nice people and even if you all shared only one language, or you spoke theirs, then presumably they'd be saying those things behind your back. The language makes it easier for them but isn't the root of your in-law problem!

Where people have good intentions (as my in-laws had) the atmosphere can still be pleasant even if you don't share a language, because people smile and mime and hand you wine

Adjustable I don't think it's rude to prefer that people who are fluent in English, who have chosen to live in England, should speak English in front of a English person. Especially when one of them is in a relationship with the English person.

The op has said she is learning Spanish but there's a big gap between 'my name is...', 'where is the town hall?', 'one beer please', and coping with a three way conversation between native speakers.

I think if the op was fluent in Spanish, had chosen to live in Spain with Spanish people there wouldn't be an AIBU.

I always think it's harsh to blame native English speakers for not being able to speak other languages. Much of the rest of the world chooses English as a second language. I've been in France and seen Japanese tourists and French hoteliers using English to communicate with each other. Which single second language could the English learn that would work well in Japan as well as in France?

Yanbu it is very rude, to be taking over the communal tv is not on! I would put my foot down regarding the tv and insist that I watch a few of my favourite programmes a day.