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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should they speak my language?

68 replies

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 18:59

Please tell me if IABU! I'm unsure whether I need to just suck it up or say something.

I live in a houseshare (London) with dp and another couple. Dp and other couple are from a different European country and of course share the same first language (which I am trying to learn).

All day we have been in the house together sharing the communal spaces. All day there has been their programmes on the television in their language and they have been speaking in their language.

So basically I have been sat in a room with three people speaking in a language I cannot understand and background television on which I also can't understand. Every now and again dp will translate a part of the conversation to ask my opinion or give me the jist.

To be honest I'm now pissed off and watching television in our room with a glass of wine working out if I should say something or not.

So come on AIBU? Should I point out how bloody boring isolated and rude it feels when everyone is capable of speaking the same language but not?

OP posts:

Axekick · 24/10/2015 19:58

Yanbu. Me and the kids speak Spanish. If you are in the company of someone who doesn't speak your language you should make an effort to include them. It's not like you are demanding they only speak English, ever, and you are trying to learn theirs.

It's a bit of compromise on all sides, is what's needed. Having conversation in Spanish will be helpful when you get more of a grasp of it (assuming you will) but still it would be nice for everyone to make an effort. It's sounds like you are.

Aposey · 24/10/2015 20:02

DeverellWoman, You already speak Dutch and English and now starting on Spanish? Im very jealous, Ive been learning Dutch for more than 5 years and I still cant string a sentence together that will "pass" without being criticized.

Im glad you found a solution so quickly, and your DP understands. I think my problem was that we never found a solution because I still can barely understand Dutch and although his family speak English they only speak it when speaking directly to me. Neither DP or his family understand why this upsets me. The wedge conversation came after half his huge family came to visit and I had a meltdown after spending most of a week feeling like my home was no longer mine, unable to even watch tv as they would talk very very loudly over the top of it.

Haha they all must think Im a horrible cow as Im always so grumpy when I see them!

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 20:03

I am trying to learn the language and they are patient with me but as tiring as it is for them with a good grasp of English is just as tiring for me with a poor grasp of Spanish.

All is well, dp and I have had a chat and he was really upset that I hadn't said anything sooner. We have both spoken to the other couple and we are all happy to make more of an effort with each other.

I have no issue with there being a different language within the house, I honestly want the other couple and dp to feel relaxed and at home.

I will also say that even before today dp and I have spoken about future children and to bring them up bilingual. I have parents of two nationalities but was never taught my mothers native tongue.

OP posts:

Axekick · 24/10/2015 20:04

I don't know why I included 'me and the kids speak Spanish' without explaining. I totally forgot the next bit which should have said

We wouldn't spend all day talking in Spanish if dh was here, although we do speak Spanish if he isn't, so the kids can practice.

BoboChic · 24/10/2015 20:05

It is insular and narrow minded to expect other people to converse between themselves in a language that is not their own for the sake if a third party.

Marynary · 24/10/2015 20:07

I think it is inevitable that they will talk in their native language and I don't blame them. If you are already bilingual I expect that you are good at languages and will learn enough Spanish to know what is going on soon. If you aren't likely to learn their language fairly quickly though, I would move out though as you will always feel excluded.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2015 20:10

Having done the bilingual thing myself, don't worry about learning to speak as much. It is quite easy and comfortable to get along with everyone talking their native languages and understanding in the non-native one. IYSWIM. That's what I do with Italian and French friends.

Axekick · 24/10/2015 20:10

Move out? And narrow minded to expect to be included in conversation sometimes?

Really

Marynary · 24/10/2015 20:10

Im glad you found a solution so quickly, and your DP understands. smile I think my problem was that we never found a solution because I still can barely understand Dutch and although his family speak English they only speak it when speaking directly to me. Neither DP or his family understand why this upsets me.

I know how you feel. DH and his family always speak to each other in their native language and I must admit that I don't bother his family nowadays because of it. It doesn't upset me but it makes me feel excluded and bored.

Marynary · 24/10/2015 20:12

I meant to say I don't bother to visit his family nowadays

Solina · 24/10/2015 20:15

Its bs that its tiring to speak english if it isnt your first language. It is also bs that it is weird to speak in english to people from your own country. I should know as I am not native English speaker and havr friends here in the UK from the same country. If there people who only speak english such as my OH we speak in English and it doesnt take any effort. It is mean to do this to a person especially if it goes on all day.
They are being selfish and YANBU.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 24/10/2015 20:22

OP glad you've found a solution.

I do think English speakers can be jaw droopingly arrogant with this - if three English speaking ex-pats lived in a flat share in Paris with one the French boy or girlfriend of one of them, you can bet the three English speakers would mostly speak English to one another and watch English language films and TV if available, even if the French man or woman wasn't fluent - they wouldn't spend all their leisure time talking in French just in case the French person walked into the room.

My DH's parents don't speak English - his brother does and uses it at work sometimes but I don't expect him to speak English for my benefit!

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2015 20:22

Its bs that its tiring to speak english if it isnt your first language. Maybe for you. I find it easier to talk English than Italian, even when I was relatively fluent. My Italian friends and I used to speak a hodge-podge with me mainly talking English and them mainly talking Italian.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 20:22

Hold on here! No one is moving out! I love my dp. I have stated I am just in a pissy mood today. I have no issue with the people within the house speaking their language. I was just feeling left out/bored/fed up/pissy. The conversation which broke me today was because it was about furniture within the communal space and I was just given the low down when all was settled and sorted. So I felt like I wasn't given a chance to air my opinion.

A solution has been found and now we can move on!

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 20:24

aposey let me point out my Dutch isn't great! Every time I have used it I have been responded to in English. Oh the irony!

OP posts:

QuintShhhhhh · 24/10/2015 20:29

He is rude and inconsiderate.

Maybe he should find himself a Spanish girlfriend, or live in Spain if he must have everything around him in Spanish.

no73 · 24/10/2015 20:30

I'd see this a s a great way to be immersed in another language without actually having to go to that country. I would be very happy if I lived with people that spoke another language constantly so that I could learn that language.

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 20:34

Okay he is a amazing partner and I just feel he switches between languages so easily he doesn't realise.

Let's not turn this into a leave the bastard. We have found a solution and ATM we are all eating toffee cake I made earlier, chatting about children's names of all things.

OP posts:

Liara · 24/10/2015 20:40

Someone is going to have to make an effort and be tired speaking a language that is not their MT. It would be unfair for it to always be you, OP, but similarly it would be unfair for it to be them all the time.

You do need to pull your socks up a bit, though, OP. Spanish is probably the easiest European language to learn (not perfectly, but with a decent understanding), so that even if you cannot answer in Spanish you should be able to understand what they are saying within the first few months.

Try memrise or duolingo, both are free and good for building up vocabulary. The grammar can come later, once you understand enough of the words just being around spanish speakers will do it (it's much more logical than English!)

Aposey · 24/10/2015 20:41

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter Out of curiosity, do you speak any of your DHs language? Are you expected to sit in silence for hours while their family chats happily, including discussing you without you understanding a word of it? All while knowing they are completely capable of speaking English to you. As thats what happens to me and I really find it rude.

I would like to think Im not completely selfish- I have stayed with DP while in another country with a fantastic mix of housemates, who all spoke different languages. One spoke German and French and English, one German and English and my DP who speaks Dutch, German and English. They could have all just spoken English, but instead there was an interesting compromise with alternate days being allocated German, French and English, and though my German and French is rubbish (though my French then was better than my Dutch!) I didnt mind as that was the compromise and I could just about keep up since everybody had to try hard to be easily understood since there was always someone who would have difficulty understanding the conversation.

DeverellWoman That doesnt mean your Dutch isnt good, I think unless you had a completely Dutch accent that will often happen! Its partly why my Dutch is still rubbish, my DP just cant bear to talk Dutch to me. I know that sounds ridiculous but its true!

Liara · 24/10/2015 20:42

Oh, good luck with the children's names. Finding a name which is pronounceable without being mangled in both English and Spanish (and isn't Max or Alex, which one mixed couple in two seems to use) is trickier than you might think.

Bloomsberry · 24/10/2015 20:53

I say this every time this topic comes up, but it's jawdroppingly odd to 'artificially' speak to friends in a language you never use together. I speak fluent French, but have one particular set of French friends I have known since university in this country, and we always spoke English together because of where we met and because of mutual friends with no French. To this day, almost 20 years on, it takes a big effort for us to speak French together, though obviously we make an effort when they have non-English speaking friends or family around.

It's great that you found a satisfactory compromise, OP, and you all do sound a nice, reasonable set of people.

I do agree with a pp that English speakers do tend towards a certain entitlement on this issue. There is such an odd culture of 'other languages are weird and difficult, and it I unreasonable to expect me to learn them' in this country, which is odd when BME people are routinely polyglot...

Littlef00t · 24/10/2015 21:03

Yes, it's rude to talk through an issue that affects you in a different language when there is a common one that could be used. Hopefully they realise and won't do it again.

Katarzyna79 · 24/10/2015 21:24

I remember doing Spanish for GCSE I might be lynched here for saying it but I don't think its a difficult language to speak and if I had the opportunity to live there for a year or more I'm sure id be fluent. I think it is isolating you the housemates all speaking their Language, but I would see it as a positive. People often go to the country of their choice to live there and be immersed in the language, that way they are forced to learn quicker right?

If the housemates are always speaking Spanish it will only speed up your learning process. Why cant you do Spanglish? I do my language and bits of English all the time it comes naturally I cant help it lol

Original poster

TheDeverellWoman · 24/10/2015 22:03

The issues with their language is my own I have a speech defect which effects me with my c, s and z. I'm a clumsy English speaker so it becomes laughably funny when I try other languages. For some reason German and Dutch can work but French or Spanish...well I get tongue tied. I can't explain it, it's just a part of me. In the same way I avoid some English words.

But...the situation in itself has been resolved. So thank you all for your input.

OP posts:

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