Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be considering this as a punishment

101 replies

Redbookworm · 24/10/2015 10:26

Last night my 11year old son broke his bed by messing about and jumping on it after being told to stop. He has snapped the side of his wooden bed and will need a new one. ( I have already had to buy a new tumble dryer and dishwasher this week as they both have given up working!)
I have told him he will need to pay to replace it but he doesn't have the money. I have said to him that we may cancel his party ( his birthday is in December) to pay for a new bed or he won't get a new bike for his birthday to pay for it.
We haven't decided yet on what consequence but I wonder if I am being too harsh and if so what is a suitable punishment.
I'm sure you wise women can help me!

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 24/10/2015 14:05

I agree that your response needs to be about not listening rather than breaking the bed. A child's bed needs to be able to withstand being jumped on!

Sedona123 · 24/10/2015 14:07

What Wyrdbird and Raptor said.

I don't think you are being harsh at all. Eleven is definitely old enough to learn that money doesn't grow on trees, and that there are consequences in life when you don't listen and damage things.

Verbena37 · 24/10/2015 14:09

We are quite strict about our two knowing that if they break something in the house that's bricks and mortar or furniture etc, then their piggy bank savings pay for some or all of the damage.

The OPs son, if not taught his lesson, could potentially do the exact same thing the week after his new bed arrives.

I think he needs to give up some of his own money or something he places value on and that saves you money (bike or party) in order to learn he needs to listen and behave with stuff that costs you a lot of money.

If it were me, I'd probably say no bike until you've saved up enough to pay for a new bed and put his mattress on the floor until then.

mrdaddypig · 24/10/2015 14:16

i think its harsh at 11 their still children you can buy a cheap new bedframe in most places even if its a temp option for a few months b&m £30 bedframe

Purplepixiedust · 24/10/2015 14:25

I think cancelling birthday/Christmas parties/presents outright is to much. He was mucking about not being deliberately destructive.

Get a second had bed frame and dock his pocket money to pay for it.

Purplepixiedust · 24/10/2015 14:26

If you can get a new one for £30 you could do that. Costs a lot more for a bike or party. The punishment would be excessive.

MeeWhoo · 24/10/2015 14:26

I would start by explain to him that as he broke the bed, he needs to find a solution as to how to replace it quickly because the mattress cannot stay on the floor. See whether he has some suggestions as to where the money can come from that would be acceptable to you.

onecurrantbun1 · 24/10/2015 14:28

I would make him help you find a cheap new bed frame e.g. look on eBay together. I would also downgrade to a smaller party or second hand bike, not remove one altogether.

I understand you're angry now but a December punishment alone won't cut it - waaay too far off. An hour spent boringly trawling the web / shops for an inexpensive new bed, followed by a day boringly entertaining himself or helping build the bed is likely to be more effective

claraschu · 24/10/2015 14:30

We have had a super king size mattress on the floor for 15 years (great for co-sleeping) and it is not damp or musty smelling. We have pine floors and it is upstairs, which might help.

Brioche201 · 24/10/2015 15:15

Oh all kids jump on the beds!As others have said just replace or reinforce the broken rail, and move on.

LeafyLafae · 24/10/2015 15:17

Just putting his mattress on the floor as a "consequence" teaches him nothing - it just shows him that bed frames are totally unnecessary anyway & he won't see what all the fuss is about.
He's old enough to learn that actions have impacts (used that word to avoid the punishment connertation that consequence seems to have earned) - explain to him how much a repair/new bed will cost. Put it into perspective - tell him how much other things cost, such as the party. At that age, kids tend to think things like parties 'just happen' and have no realisation about the cost.
However, if it was me - if he was sorry about disobeying your instructions to stop jumping, then a light punishment, such as extra chores for a couple of weeks should be sufficient. If he deliberately ignored you and didn't care, then find a punishment more severe and fitting as he will just do the same to the new bed and not care and cancelling the party in lieu of the bed could be the way to go.

Just remember that he isn't meant to understand how buying other new appliances this month have cost you a lot too: is it possible that had they not needed replacing, this wouldn't be such a big deal?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 24/10/2015 16:02

I would ditch the party. He has the 'embarrassment' of telling his friends.

A bike will be more 'use' in the future. Keeping fit and wearing him out so he doesn't need to jump on his bed

The bike is a longer term investment. Party is optional! I don't think anybody has died from not having a party?

Also, he might need a bike if they offer 'bike it' at school?

Original poster
Redbookworm · 24/10/2015 16:57

Thank you all for your responses.

He was told to stop mucking about before he broke the bed. He is very defiant and often does not listen.

I did not get angry or shout at him.

We have talked to him about not listening to us.

A friend has sold us a second hand bed frame for £30 and he will pay back with his birthday money. So he will still get his party and bike.

I feel this is the best solution to him understanding that if does not listen and breaks something then he will have to pay or help to replace it.

Thank you again for all your advice

OP posts:
QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 17:03

Well handled OP! Flowers

ILiveAtTheBeach · 24/10/2015 17:44

You're being WAY WAY too harsh. Kids have accidents. Tell him off, sure, but I think your punishments are horrible. I have 2 kids, age 18 & 17, and we have a wonderful relationship, and I wouldn't have been this mean to them, no way.

QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 17:52

OP is not cancelling the birthday or bike and has dealt with it in a calm and measured way.

FFSYourself · 24/10/2015 18:04

That seems reasonable considering that he can be very defiant - it would be different if it was a one off.

Youarentkiddingme · 24/10/2015 18:30

Well handled.

And will people please stop saying it was an accident. He was told to stop jumping on the bed and carried on. Breaking the bed was a consequence of his choice to continue breaking the rules.

Fast forward a few years and these kids become adults. They are told not to speed their car, they continue because it's high jinx and what teen boys do. They run someone over. Yes it's an accident - but the choice to speed was a conscious decision.

That's why I agree with natural consequences - teach them now actions have consequences.

MrsDeVere · 24/10/2015 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nonnainglese · 24/10/2015 18:46

Horrible sick memories of my mother 'cancelling' my birthday, Christmas or Easter at various times for some perceived misdemeanours.

Then her telling every Tom, Dick and Harry why i had no presents (my sisters had them instead and as well as their own). Even took them to Spain for 2 weeks, leaving me with my grandmother who clearly didn't like me either.

I'm relieved OP has decided otherwise.

LottieDoubtie · 24/10/2015 19:18

That seems really sensible OP, a consequence that he will understand but doesn't go over the top.

NumbBlaseCold · 24/10/2015 19:31

Nonnainglese That sounds like you were scape-goated and your sisters were the favoured children.

I am glad you have sorted it out, hopefully he will learn that these things cost money.

NumbBlaseCold · 24/10/2015 19:32

I am glad you have sorted it out, hopefully he will learn that these things cost money.

Should be to the OP

Jux · 24/10/2015 22:16

I wouldn't cancel the party or the bike.

Have the mattress on the floor. Isn't it enough that he now knows that jumping on furniture as an 11 yo is likely to end in breakages? OK, punish him for not stopping when you had told him to, for disobedience, but the bed breaking is just an unfortunate consequence. It's not as if he intended to break it.

longestlurkerever · 25/10/2015 07:30

Glad you didn't cancel the party or bike. I think ott punishments are counterproductive as the child just feels aggrieved rather than contrite. Also the "you've said it so you must follow through" is more appropriate when you've said "if you do x then y will happen" and then thru do x; not when you've angrily said "right, that's it, Christmas is cancelled!" and then felt ott when you've calmed down (which happens to the best of us)