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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be considering this as a punishment

101 replies

Redbookworm · 24/10/2015 10:26

Last night my 11year old son broke his bed by messing about and jumping on it after being told to stop. He has snapped the side of his wooden bed and will need a new one. ( I have already had to buy a new tumble dryer and dishwasher this week as they both have given up working!)
I have told him he will need to pay to replace it but he doesn't have the money. I have said to him that we may cancel his party ( his birthday is in December) to pay for a new bed or he won't get a new bike for his birthday to pay for it.
We haven't decided yet on what consequence but I wonder if I am being too harsh and if so what is a suitable punishment.
I'm sure you wise women can help me!

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 24/10/2015 12:17

Don't most children jump on beds at some point? It's not like he did it on purpose to break it.

It's very harsh to lose his birthday present or party two months away.

Ricardian · 24/10/2015 12:17

I repaired an Ikea double bed that had broken one of the big rails. Piece of wood the right size, a few dowels from Screwfix (although Wickes will have them as well), then drove in a big self-tapping bolt to reinforce it. Seven feet of roughly the right wood is less that seven quid:

www.wickes.co.uk/Wickes-Whitewood-PSE-18x119x2400mm-Single/p/107145

Whole job will take an hour and cost a tenner.

RiverTam · 24/10/2015 12:21

We've slept on a mattress on the floor for years. Not damp, not uncomfortable.

Consequence is sleeping in the floor. Punishment is extra chores. Party has nothing to do with it.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 24/10/2015 12:27

It sounds like an accident, he wasn't trying to break the bed, just being a bit daft... I'd just fix the bed and move on tbh.
(I broke our bed playing with the dc, its easy done)

Fatmomma99 · 24/10/2015 12:33

Mattress on the floor until you are able to replace bed seems like a reasonable consequence to me.

If you had to miss either the party or the bike, I would sacrifice the party because an 11 yr old, is going to need a bike to get around and prob to and from school.

FWIW, I think it's quite a harsh punishment, but I also think there's a good lesson there about "only a certain amount of money to spare"

HeteronormativeHaybales · 24/10/2015 12:34

yy to this being a use of 'consequence' when 'punishment' is meant.

Losing party/bike far too harsh for impulsive childhood silliness (11 may seem old but honestly, they're still babies in a lot of ways). Agree with him helping to work out how bed can be paid for - selling old toys, birthday/pocket money, etc (but he shouldn't have to cover whole cost; think going halves is fair). He can take on some of the 'legwork' too - research second-hand beds online under supervision, work out which is the best bargain, go along to collect, help dismantle the old one and set up the new. That illustrates that when something gets broken there is an impact in terms of time, hassle and money = natural consequence of carelessness.

I couldln't agree more strongly with the poster who objects to the philossophy of following through at all costs that many parents seem to believe is essential to parenting. Much better a parent models how to reflect on their own behaviour (a too-harsh sanction imposed in anger) and sort it out,

KatharineClifton · 24/10/2015 12:35

Just ask on Freebay or the equiv on Facebook for a divan base. Job done.

He didn't deliberately break the bed so punishment in the realms you are thinking of seem completely ott.

Namechangenell · 24/10/2015 12:36

I think YABU. He might have been messing about, but I doubt he set out to break the bed. Also, the bed frame can't have been such good quality if it broke so easily. I think your anger is misdirected.

ForChina · 24/10/2015 12:46

He made a mistake. He did the wrong thing. Don't we all? Punishing him in 2 months time by taking away something special and TOTALLY unrelated to the action is ridiculous and very harsh.

Remember, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, not about venting your anger.

PitilessYank · 24/10/2015 12:48

I agree with Leaving and Haybales-I think it is healthy for a child to witness a parent thoughtfully reconsidering a decision and changing his/her mind.

In my household, we have never been ones for "punishment", especially around errors that involve exuberant behavior, and it has worked for us so far.

But you have to do what feels right for your family, and whatever fits with your own parenting style/philosophy.

TheBoysMamma · 24/10/2015 12:49

I agree with putting the mattress on the floor as a natural consequence. I wouldn't be cancelling the party or presents. But generally I prefer natural consequences to punishments

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 24/10/2015 12:49

ForChina, exactly. We all make mistakes.

I broke some mugs recently by trying to carry too many in one go, if DH said I had to forfeit a birthday gift to replace them he'd be living in the shed!

Pranmasghost · 24/10/2015 12:52

Depends if it was deliberate defiance as in "I'll do what I want or just high spirits. If the former then bike or party goes, if the latter then mattress on floor for 6 months.

AndNowItsSeven · 24/10/2015 12:55

I often wonder hope threads like this are a wind up. If not then op you are being way to harsh. Cancelling a child's birthday party for an accident even if it was done whilst partying about about is cruel.
How are you going to discipline him when he does something deliberately to disobey you?

GnomeDePlume · 24/10/2015 13:05

I like the idea of Peppa Pig bed of shame.

Make sure that you tell him that his party guests will be invited up to look at it!

claraschu · 24/10/2015 13:10

I would just get a free or cheap second hand bed, or let him sleep on the floor. We have had a mattress on the floor for years, and it is not damp. I would let him know I am upset by his nonchalance, but if he felt bad, I would not punish. (I don't really do punishments though, not really the way we operate, so maybe my opinion isn't very helpful.)

I think people grow out of breaking things by jumping on them. You want to teach him to be considerate and take care of things; I think this is accomplished over time by learning from parents' attitudes, not by punishments.

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2015 13:18

Why not get him find a new bed on freecycle, and help collect it and put it together. Then he'll learn something too.

nippiesweetie · 24/10/2015 13:19

A mattress on the floor will get damp is what I was told when I moved into my first flat and had to wait for a bed frame to be delivered. The damp would supposedly come from sweat percolating through the mattress because there was no air circulation underneath.

Did I really spend six week propping my mattress against the wall during the day when I didn't need to?

QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 13:21

DD has a big mattress on the floor, partly because it's an attic room with a sloping ceiling and it fits in better. Has been there 4 years and no damp problems.

SummerNights1986 · 24/10/2015 13:23

He made a mistake. He did the wrong thing. Don't we all? Punishing him in 2 months time by taking away something special and TOTALLY unrelated to the action is ridiculous and very harsh. Remember, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, not about venting your anger

This pretty much sums it up for me. YABU. Stop his pocket money until it's paid for, or give him a list of regular extra chores around the house to make it up in time - but not his birthday party or gift. You're just asking for him to resent you if you do that.

LottieDoubtie · 24/10/2015 13:41

I agree with those erring on the side of actual consequence as opposed to punishment.

I definitely wouldn't countenance him losing the bike over this. The natural consequence of that would be twofold 1) he'll get less exercise, 2) he'll be under your feet in the house more, still with too much energy.

That would be really cutting off your nose to spite your face and bad for everybody involved.

Quornmakesmefart · 24/10/2015 13:43

I think it's too harsh - sorry...

Can't you get a replacement bed frame from a second hand furniture shop, Barnardos, etc? You could probably get one for about £25. The punishment could be that he spends the day bring dragged around charity shops helping you to find one Grin

If you have to you could make him put a couple of weeks pocket money towards it, but no more IMO. He didnt mean to break it, did he? I break things all the time - wouldn't want to get punishments every time!

novemberchild · 24/10/2015 13:50

Adding to the votes for the 'too harsh' camp. I would have given a stern bollocking, but that's it.

Sighing · 24/10/2015 13:51

It definitely 'fits' as a punishment to not wade in and buy a new bed. He needs to be looking for cheap options and making decisions (freecycle vs repair), he's old enough to help put furniture together (and get room ready, take apart old furniture, hrlp with a run to the tip. All of those are the consequences. Punishment needs to be for not listening.

Jw35 · 24/10/2015 13:57

Tricky one! Definately needs a consequence. I think birthdays and xmas are the sort of thing I wouldn't use for discipline myself.

I'd probably go down the extra chore line. 11 is still very young