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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be considering this as a punishment

101 replies

Redbookworm · 24/10/2015 10:26

Last night my 11year old son broke his bed by messing about and jumping on it after being told to stop. He has snapped the side of his wooden bed and will need a new one. ( I have already had to buy a new tumble dryer and dishwasher this week as they both have given up working!)
I have told him he will need to pay to replace it but he doesn't have the money. I have said to him that we may cancel his party ( his birthday is in December) to pay for a new bed or he won't get a new bike for his birthday to pay for it.
We haven't decided yet on what consequence but I wonder if I am being too harsh and if so what is a suitable punishment.
I'm sure you wise women can help me!

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 24/10/2015 11:03

My son did the same to his bed (years ago). I took the broken bit of wood to a local joiner, he made me a new one complete with drill holes for £10.

BertieBotts · 24/10/2015 11:04

Mattresses on the floor don't get damp unless you live outside

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 24/10/2015 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 11:06

Mattresses on the floor are very uncomfortable - try it sometime. He'd be better on the couch than on a mattress but OP has said she can afford to replace the bed so it's more about making a point to the boy,

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 24/10/2015 11:06

If the invites haven't gone out then I would downgrade the party - so instead of 10 friends or something, tell him you know only have the money to entertain 4 friends. That gets the point over, potentially saves you some cash but also doesn't ruin his birthday. I wouldn't down grade the bike as if it's not right he might not use it at all which kind of defeats the purpose.

Epilepsyhelp · 24/10/2015 11:08

Now you've told him that I think you do have to do it, but I do think it's hard lines for jumping on the bed which all kids do. Like other posters have said, that sounds very fixable. People are too quick to throw away things these days when a bit of diy is all it needs.

Leavingsosoon · 24/10/2015 11:10

I don't see that at all epilepsy - I think it's far more valuable for children to see their parents consider something, decide it wasn't fitting and say they were wrong (in general, I don't mean OP.)

I have never understood 'you have threatened them with X so must follow through' mentality.

BertrandRussell · 24/10/2015 11:11

Mattress on the floor. Then an immediate punishment for not doing what he was told.

Did you say "don't jump on the bed, you'll break it" or "don't jump on the bed"?

Bettercallsaul1 · 24/10/2015 11:13

Good suggestion, Rhonda!

Seriously, though, unless it's a matter of strict financial necessity, I would not reduce birthday/Christmas presents and parties as a consequence for a child's behaviour. To me, they are sacrosanct and kind of symbolic, and should not be affected. Would definitely agree with reducing everyday treats and outings for a while to pay towards cost of repair/new bed, though.

NumbBlaseCold · 24/10/2015 11:19

I think he is old enough to know better and now you have given those as punishments you should see it through and he should understand the consequences.

I would personally cancel the party and if you are worried to not be too harsh (which some think it is) I would let him have a couple of close friends over for a sleepover or something instead.

Nothing big like he wanted but still acknowledging.

Put the mattress on the floor, put a plastic tarp or something underneath so no risk of damp (though shouldn't be any), keeps the mattress from getting to cold from the floor too, especially if wooden.

Do you know any carpenters who could repair?

RhiWrites · 24/10/2015 11:22

Yes I could just put the mattress on the floor but surely he should have some consequences for what he has done??

Sleeping on a mattress is a consequence. This is an excellent illustration of how parents say 'consequence' when they mean 'punishment'.

DarkNavyBlue · 24/10/2015 11:25

Cancelling a party or christmas present cos he's jumped on his bed when told not to???

Yes, too harsh, because that's a punishment that won't happen for another 2 months for something that was pretty minor.

Youarentkiddingme · 24/10/2015 11:28

I agree jumping on bed is something an exited child may do. But if you carry on when asked to stop you are deliberately making the decision to misbehave.

Therefore I agree with a consequence.

I'm not keen on the wait 5/6 weeks for it. I think let him sleep on mattress whilst you investigate options of cost to replace. Ask him how he thinks he can pay for it? He may decide to sort his room of old toys he no longer plays with and eBay them. He may suggest earning it. He may suggest using party money. But learning the rptrue value of money is learning what your actions have cost lifestyle wise not just that £100 is worth £100 iyswim?

Let him learn for himself what his actions have actually cost. That way he's less likely to think "I'll do it anyway" in future.

Nicknamegrief · 24/10/2015 11:28

I think that it depends on whether a warning was given beforehand.

My son smashed his iPod screen. 10mins before it happened he was told to put it back in the cover because this was likely to happen (taking pictures on the trampoline). He is 9 and old enough to figure it out. The result was we paid for the repair as part of his birthday present. We did give him various options to choose from in order to get it repaired and this was his choice.

December is a long way off, does he have savings that could pay for a replacement?

mommy2ash · 24/10/2015 11:29

I would punish him now for not listening to you so by grounding taking away privileges. I wouldn't use a birthday two months away as part of a punishment.

QueenPotato · 24/10/2015 11:32

Yes mattress on floor and new bed when he can afford to pay or contribute. You can look at cheap options and ways of finding the money together. It's a good opportunity to learn about how things cost money and should be looked after.

I also think he probably wasn't expecting it to break so he wasn't being deliberately destructive IYSWIM, just silly and disobedient. So simply not having a bed any more is a reasonable consequence. I wouldn't cancel the party, but looking at using some of the present money as payment is one option.

MrsDeVere · 24/10/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendaFlange · 24/10/2015 11:36

What BertrandRussell said.

Georgethesecond · 24/10/2015 11:43

The natural consequence for this is that he sleeps for a while on a mattress on the floor, until his bed is replaced, probably by a second hand one (try British Heart foundation). The consequence really isn't related to his birthday or his party, I don't think. A mattress on the floor will be neither damp nor uncomfortable, why would it be?

FFSYourself · 24/10/2015 11:44

I think it's hard to say without knowing how your son normally behaves. If this was a once off then I think your punishment is way too harsh. I'd scale down the party, lecture him and give him an immediate punishment such as no screen time, chores or grounding or whatever. I'd make him pay something towards the cost but not the whole thing.
I don't see anything wrong with admitting you overreacted and have changed your mind.

If your son is generally a good lad then I would scale back the punishment a lot.

WyrdByrd · 24/10/2015 11:49

If he's having a 'big' party, i.e. outside the home/venue/activity, I would scale it down to having a few friends round after school for pizza and DVD to fund the new bed.

Assuming there are no SEN at 11 yo (presumably nearly 12), he's plenty old enough to understand cause and effect and to do as he's told when asked to stop.

nameschangerer · 24/10/2015 12:02

I think the op is looking for suitable punishment advice here not a solution to fixing the bed. The amount of people suggesting that she can get it fixed for 10-25 quid is amazing.

I would ask him which one he's going to sacrifice op. So he understands the consequences, then maybe in a couple of weeks you can tell him he can earn his bike or party back with extra chores?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 24/10/2015 12:04

Mattress on the floor until his birthday (at least)

Birthday tea with a couple of friends instead of a big party and then xmas as usual.

I think at 11 he's old enough to understand that money is a finite substance and has to come from somewhere.

neonrainbow · 24/10/2015 12:08

No wonder some kids are running amok if some posters above think the boy should get off without any real consequence - losing pocket money, really?! of course there should be a consequence - last thing you need is to be finding money to buy a bed to replace one which was perfectly fine before he decided to jump on it, right before christmas! It wont kill him to sacrifice either bike or party, I would let him choose which one he loses.

BoffinMum · 24/10/2015 12:11

Mattress on floor until you get a new one on Freecycle?

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